Do you ever wonder why you only attract the wrong men in your life? Why does it seem like the only men interested in you are players, commitment-phobes, emotionally unavailable, or just not ready for anything serious? There’s a surprising reason why and once you understand it, you’ll change your dating experience for good.
Let me begin with a little story. Imagine that there was a little girl who went through some trauma and abuse. She never told anyone what happened to her because she thought it was her fault.
She grew up thinking she was a “bad girl” and did everything in her power to prove she wasn’t. She tried to be perfect at school and at home but she could never shake the feelings of shame and worthlessness deep inside her.
Once boys finally became interested in her, she loved the attention. But when they started treating her badly, instead of walking away, she held on tighter because she was afraid of being alone.
Even though she really wanted to be treated like a princess, deep down she didn’t believe she deserved it. So, each relationship began and ended the same way: with lies and heartbreak.
When she learned to forgive the people who hurt her, reject the lies that she was never good enough, and receive the truth about who she truly was, she finally met the man of her dreams who did treat her like a princess.
I was that little girl.
I share this story with you because it explains why so many of us sabotage ourselves. In other words, we say we want something—a better career, a better relationship, a better life—but, deep down, we don’t believe we deserve it.
We have deeply held beliefs that we aren’t good enough, or smart enough, or pretty enough.
Or, we’ve had experiences where someone or something told us we were a failure and we would never amount to anything. These are toxic beliefs that prevent us from experiencing the love we really want.
The result? We attract into our lives what we believe we deserve. But that’s not the real problem. The reason why you get stuck with the wrong men is that you choose them and then stay too blasted long!
Here’s why: Ken Page, a pyschotherapist who specializes in understanding attraction and intimacy said,
“All of us have unresolved childhood hurts due to betrayal, anger, manipulation, or abuse. Unconsciously, we seek healing through our partner. And we try to achieve this healing by bonding with someone we sense might hurt us in similar ways to how we were hurt as children, in the hope that we can then convince him or her to finally love and accept us.”
In other words, we tend to be intensely attracted to people who confirm the deep toxic beliefs we have about ourselves. We hope that they’ll finally accept us instead of abandoning us, but 9 times out of 10, they don’t.
If you can trace a pattern of relationships with men who mistreat you, abuse you, lie to you, or leave you, chances are there is something deep within you that believes you don’t deserve to be treated better. We only go after what we believe we can have.
My advice to you is to do some soul searching to get to the heart of the matter. Writing in a journal is a great way to start. Ask yourself questions like:
• What do all my relationships—past and present—have in common?
• What thoughts do I have about myself ? Sit quietly and write down the thoughts that run through your mind. For example, I used to tell myself—“you’re such a loser” every time I made a mistake, no matter how big or small, but I didn’t even realize I was saying it until I wrote it down.
• When was the last time I thought this about myself? What triggered these thoughts?
• When was the first time I thought this about myself?
You may need to have support from someone else while you go through these exercises, someone like a spiritual leader, therapist, or a coach so that they can walk alongside you, point out your blind spots, and cheer you on when you feel like giving in to your patterns.
The first step is to figure out what you believe about yourself. Once you change your beliefs, you will begin to change how you choose the people you give your heart to.
BMWK, let’s discuss! What patterns do you see in the kinds of men you’ve attracted?
I give in because you wrote this article for me. For 20 years, I was quite sexually active with different guys because I was lost and unsaved. Now that I am saved and strongly believe in Jesus, I still attract those types of men you mentioned above. What’s really going on here???
Thanks for sharing sis. You have to release the baggage of the past (it’s still there in your soul which is your memories, thinking & mindset/feelings) & create a whole new identity. Kind of like detoxing. It’s what I take my clients through BEFORE I teach them
How to date to attract a mate. Connect with me if you’d like help with that!
amen
Matthew 11:28-30
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
God offers a way to release the pain but we have to give it to Him
And lets not always limit hurts to women it continues to support the barriers that keep men from getting help always thinking they have to handle it
” BE A MAN”
thats continues the stigmas that has males doing stupid and foolish things OUT OF PAST HURTS trying to prove they are men
This article speaks to domestic violence
but is just one area where things are so out of balanced
https://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/men.htm
“…Men as Victims of Domestic Violence
For too long, domestic violence has been framed and understood exclusively as a women’s issue. While most attention is given to women who are abused by men, men are often overlooked victims of domestic violence. According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, men account for approximately 15% of the victims of reported intimate partner violence (February 2003).
Women who abuse men are not much different than their male counterparts who abuse women. Men can be hit, kicked, punched, pushed, or bitten by women abusers. Women can also use weapons, such as knives, guns, or any object that can be used to strike.
Abused men are not necessarily smaller or physically weaker than the women who abuse them. Abused men often do not use their greater size or strength to hurt their abusive partners even when they are being hurt.
Think about domestic violence and you think of women, battered by their husband, boyfriend, or a man they used to involved with. Now, think again. Every year in the U.S., about 3.2 million men are the victims of an assault by an intimate partner. Most assaults are of a relatively minor nature such as pushing, shoving, slapping or hitting, though many are more serious – and some end in homicide.
Why Men Don’t Report Physical Abuse
Men often suffer physical abuse in silence because they are afraid that no one will believe them or take them seriously. In fact, some men who do try to get help find that they are mocked and ridiculed. No one would even think of telling a battered woman that getting beaten by her husband wasn’t a big deal, but people often don’t think twice about saying that to a battered man. Many men are too embarrassed to admit that they are being abused.
Traditional gender roles also confuse the matter. A “real man” is expected to be able to “control” his wife. Aside from the embarrassment over admitting abuse, abused men may feel that they are somehow less of a man for “allowing” themselves to be abused. But just like abused women are told when they suffer physical violence, abuse is never the victim’s fault. This is no less true just because the victim happens to be male….”
Again the solution or the one i suggest is taking them to God
female or male
Trusting in Him is a deliverance that is availbe to all all this said and coming from one who speaks 1st hand
Thanking God no longer subject to the abuse !!