“The idea of marriage terrifies me” she exclaimed. When I asked her why she said, “Because men are so dominant and condescending. It’s like they strip a woman of herself for their benefit. I hear so many of my married friends complaining. None of them are happy.”

I was surprised at this sister’s comments because most of the women I work with are concerned about finding a man who believes in marriage. But then I realized that sisters are ambivalent about dating and relationships because they secretly fear they will lose their independence after they get married.

This fear leads to commitment issues and will sabotage your results with men if you don’t deal with it. Let me show you how in 3 simple steps.

 Deal with your negative beliefs about men

You get what you expect. If you have believe that all men are condescending and waiting to tear you down for their benefit, it will be hard to trust that you can meet someone who will respect, love and cherish you.  Instead you’ll avoid men at all costs and if you do meet a man who mistreats you, you’ll add it to the “all men are bad” pile of evidence you’ve been gathering over the years.

I know in your head you don’t believe all men are bad. But in your heart, you still carry the negative emotions from the last man who hurt you.  Deal with this leftover baggage so you can approach dating from a fresh place.

Change your circle of friends

Don’t take marriage advice from people who are bitter, angry and resentful! If all your friends complain about their husbands, then you are surrounded by the wrong friends! Get some new ones.

Spend time with couples who believe in marriage. Hang out with people who have walked through the fire and are still together (and who are still in love)! Ask them how they managed to stay together all these years. Seeing these examples of marriages that are happy and thriving will build your faith for your own future relationship.

Let go of outdated beliefs about gender roles

Let’s be clear. There are men out there who hold on to very traditional ideas about a woman’s role in a relationship. In fact, I had a young man in his 30s ask me how he could find a woman who will give him the last word all the time.

When I questioned him about this communication style, he cited the scripture that says wives should submit to their husbands! I told him he needed to back up and read the verse that says, “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”

Trying to guarantee that a woman would shut up and listen to him was a thinly veiled attempt to control her and not lead her.

Submitting to your husband does not mean you have to lose your independence. It does not mean that you become submissive, meaning that you change your personality, silence your voice and opinions and that you lose yourself in your marriage.

Instead, it means that you are willing to serve him, meet his needs, and respect and honor him, even when you disagree with him!

The key is to choose a husband who knows how to love you. Make sure you look for signs that he is controlling and that he’d require you to change who you are just to be with him.

When you are wise about who you choose to date and marry, you won’t have to worry about losing your independence after you get married. You can overcome your fears of commitment and look forward to the bliss of married life.

BMWK singles, do you have friends who are married? What have you learned from them?