by Aja Dorsey Jackson
By now you’ve no doubt heard stories, posts and complaints about the many men that don’t attend church with their wives on Sunday mornings. My husband is one of those men.
While we were dating and engaged he attended church with me relatively often, maybe a couple of times a month. Those visits decreased sharply after we got married to the point where other than the couple times a year that I drag him out of the house kicking and screaming convince him to go. I am in church while he is at home watching the game, fixing stuff in the house or just hanging around kicking rocks.
It’s been this way for long enough that I no longer approach the topic with him anymore so it ceases to be an issue between us, at least verbally. But it remains an issue in my own mind.
Part of the reason for my annoyance at his lack of church attendance is purely practical. I think it is important for my kids to attend church but my two-year-old son is active and it’s difficult for me to keep him still and quiet through an entire church service alone. In those moments when he starts to get a little too rowdy and needs to be taken out, it would just be a lot easier to have another pair of hands.
I leave my son at home with my husband sometimes because of this, but take my daughter. However, I don’t want my son to start getting the impression that church is for girls. I also know the day is coming that he’ll ask why Daddy gets to stay home, and it makes me wish that he would be more of a presence.
But my reasons extend beyond the practical ones. To me, being able to attend church together would have a positive impact on our marriage. Each week I learn things that I think would help to strengthen us as a couple and as a family, but he’s not hearing them with me. Sometimes I come home and try to relay the message, but it’s not the same.
I think it would be easier for me to understand if he had a real reason for not going, but he doesn’t, at least not one that he’s communicated to me. For now, I’ve decided to let the issue rest and accept that he is only going to attend on Easter, Mother’s Day, and the occasional other Sunday. Still I would like to know why it is that like so many other wives I’m in church alone on Sunday morning.
Help me out men! Why are so many husbands staying home from church Sunday mornings? Wives, are you going to church alone? Is it important for couples to attend church together?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.
I think most men especially black men don’t trust the black church. As a black man I view the black church as more of a social event with slick preachers who pray on black women. I know that’s not the case with all churches but it’s too much to try and decipher which ones are and which ones are not.
Let’s assume your premise on church is on point, then what does that say about men who would allow church to prey on our women. Wow, that’s not a good look. You then go on to say” it’s too much to try and decipher which ones are and which ones are not.” No disespect bruh, just keepin it real,” with a disposition like that it ain’t no wonder so many black women’s view of black men are what they are. At the core of anything we have a God given responsibility to protect or wives and women from bogus preachers and predators on the corner, but you said and 4 people agree, that its too hard. Wow.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
Let’s assume your premise on church is on point, then what does that say about men who would allow church to prey on our women. Wow, that’s not a good look. You then go on to say” it’s too much to try and decipher which ones are and which ones are not.” No disespect bruh, just keepin it real,” with a disposition like that it ain’t no wonder so many black women’s view of black men are what they are. At the core of anything we have a God given responsibility to protect or wives and women from bogus preachers and predators on the corner, but you said and 4 people agree, that its too hard. Wow.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
I agree with you to an extent, but let’s clear some facts. There is no such thing as a black church. You’re either in church or not. Jesus never proclaimed church to be separated by denominations or even races. The idea of churches being separated by race is simply a carnal concept that is not biblical.
I digress. I agree with your premise that black men don’t trust church. It seems as ‘church’ has been made to pray on the emotional side of women. Preachers teach these women that Jesus can replace a husband/boyfriend etc. etc. It is true that Jesus can replace them, but not in the same context as being a romantic confidant. He is our Lord and Savior simple as that. He calls us friend, but he never said he is going to be a husband/boyfriend to women. That is fictitious. Instead of preaching the true unadulterated word and instead of giving flowery prosperity sermons, it is rare to see a church preach the word of God. Jesus was much more than a healer and a comforter. He was a real man in every sense of the word, but rarely do you ever hear the entire truth about who he is. I can go on, but the point being, is most ‘churches’ have been made into a profit driven business than to save souls.
I agree with you to an extent, but let’s clear some facts. There is no such thing as a black church. You’re either in church or not. Jesus never proclaimed church to be separated by denominations or even races. The idea of churches being separated by race is simply a carnal concept that is not biblical.
I digress. I agree with your premise that black men don’t trust church. It seems as ‘church’ has been made to pray on the emotional side of women. Preachers teach these women that Jesus can replace a husband/boyfriend etc. etc. It is true that Jesus can replace them, but not in the same context as being a romantic confidant. He is our Lord and Savior simple as that. He calls us friend, but he never said he is going to be a husband/boyfriend to women. That is fictitious. Instead of preaching the true unadulterated word and instead of giving flowery prosperity sermons, it is rare to see a church preach the word of God. Jesus was much more than a healer and a comforter. He was a real man in every sense of the word, but rarely do you ever hear the entire truth about who he is. I can go on, but the point being, is most ‘churches’ have been made into a profit driven business than to save souls.
I believe that most men are only doing enough to get by. So if Aja is not requiring her husband to attend he will do what he wants. Most men don’t want to hear how they should be living better because they think they know it all and got it all together.
As you say some brothers are going to church doing enough just to get by – you’re right. But there is a rack of brothers dedicated disciples do what’s righteous and I personally know a bunch – from Mass to Cali and in the UK and on the Island. Black men in church and dedicated to their family. So let’s stop that talk about most, b/c real talk there are a whole lot of sisters who are dead weight in church.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
thank u brother amen
Speaking from a man’s perspective ,man’s position about attending church doesn’t have a high priority in their lives. The perspective of having it all together works on both sides(female and male). Also alot of the black church’s premise speaks to the emotional side whereas it plays into woman being more emotional.
My husband does not go to church with me except for New Year’s Eve which I insist on my entire household/family attending, Friends & Family Day, My birthday when it falls on a Sunday. He wants his Sundays to relax, ride his motorcycle, watch the games, etc. I would prefer for him to attend more often but I know that would make him miserable, it will only serve as a distraction for me and that is not happening. Church is my refueling, recharging station so I go and have the best time ever.
My husband is the grandson of a retired pastor and spent his entire childhood in church. When he became a working teen he only went 1 of the 2 Sundays he was off a month. Initially we went to church regularly(for him that was 2x a month) together and the other Sundays I went with just the children. As time has gone on and our family grew he goes less and less. I personally have not been going anywhere as much as I should(last time was a little after school started in late August) and we went as a family. He has explained to me that he just is not the type to go to church every Sunday and I accept that…however he counts his church attendance on going to the Men’s Fellowship as well so he will then only attend 1 more time with us.
It does bother me that he is not as active in church as he should be, the family that prays together stays together, but I am picking and chosing my battles.
My husband is the grandson of a retired pastor and spent his entire childhood in church. When he became a working teen he only went 1 of the 2 Sundays he was off a month. Initially we went to church regularly(for him that was 2x a month) together and the other Sundays I went with just the children. As time has gone on and our family grew he goes less and less. I personally have not been going anywhere as much as I should(last time was a little after school started in late August) and we went as a family. He has explained to me that he just is not the type to go to church every Sunday and I accept that…however he counts his church attendance on going to the Men’s Fellowship as well so he will then only attend 1 more time with us.
It does bother me that he is not as active in church as he should be, the family that prays together stays together, but I am picking and chosing my battles.
Plain and simple…they don’t want to hear it. Church is not a warm fuzzy feeling. It’s a spiritual check up on how your life is going. My husband and I go to church because it is what God encourages us to do. Hebrews 10:25. We believe that it is to our benefit that we come to church and learn the word of God. We also believe that if we train our son up in the way he should go, he will not depart from it. It is very important that my husband and I show a united front in all aspects of life. I believe that as a community our men let us down in this aspect because of their own sin and selfishness. We can do whatever we think we need to but at the end of the day, if our husbands don’t desire God, there is nothing we can do about it. Church won’t help them desire God anymore than going to a game would. My husbands walk with God is his personal choice. I don’t ask him to go to church and he doesn’t ask me. We both get up cause we want to.
I’ve had this conversation with my husband but he reminded me that the relationship with the church and GOD was personal. After thinking this over I have to agree. I will ask him to take our daughter on the Sunday she has to usher if I can’t make it because I want my children to know GOD and fellowship but when they become adults its will be their choice. So why not let it be his. My only requirement, where faith was concerned, when choosing my mate was that he believed in the same GOD I serve and could pray with and for his family and my husband has no problem with that.
I’ve had this conversation with my husband but he reminded me that the relationship with the church and GOD was personal. After thinking this over I have to agree. I will ask him to take our daughter on the Sunday she has to usher if I can’t make it because I want my children to know GOD and fellowship but when they become adults its will be their choice. So why not let it be his. My only requirement, where faith was concerned, when choosing my mate was that he believed in the same GOD I serve and could pray with and for his family and my husband has no problem with that.
I’ve had this conversation with my husband but he reminded me that the relationship with the church and GOD was personal. After thinking this over I have to agree. I will ask him to take our daughter on the Sunday she has to usher if I can’t make it because I want my children to know GOD and fellowship but when they become adults its will be their choice. So why not let it be his. My only requirement, where faith was concerned, when choosing my mate was that he believed in the same GOD I serve and could pray with and for his family and my husband has no problem with that.
From a single lady’s perspective, this is why it’s important for me to be with a man who has a strong relationship with God and views not just church attendance, but church participation, as important aspects of his life BEFORE he meets me. I don’t want to have to persuade a man that it is to his personal benefit as man, husband, and father to participate in a community of faith that gives him the information he needs to grow spiritually and handle life’s very diffucult minefields. He needs to already believe that and live it on his own. If something is important to people, they do it. Period.
From a single lady’s perspective, this is why it’s important for me to be with a man who has a strong relationship with God and views not just church attendance, but church participation, as important aspects of his life BEFORE he meets me. I don’t want to have to persuade a man that it is to his personal benefit as man, husband, and father to participate in a community of faith that gives him the information he needs to grow spiritually and handle life’s very diffucult minefields. He needs to already believe that and live it on his own. If something is important to people, they do it. Period.
From a single lady’s perspective, this is why it’s important for me to be with a man who has a strong relationship with God and views not just church attendance, but church participation, as important aspects of his life BEFORE he meets me. I don’t want to have to persuade a man that it is to his personal benefit as man, husband, and father to participate in a community of faith that gives him the information he needs to grow spiritually and handle life’s very diffucult minefields. He needs to already believe that and live it on his own. If something is important to people, they do it. Period.
I highly recommend that when we as wives look for churches, we make sure that church has something that will interest their men. Does the church have a strong men’s fellowship? Are men serving in various areas of the church? Do they have jazz cafes? How does the church socialize? My husband is a drummer, and he enjoys playing for the worship team. He’s usually up before me to go to church! As mothers, we look at how the church will engage our children. We have to do the same in terms of our husbands.
The funny thing about this is that I thought I was doing that. I found a church that was “man friendly” meaning there are a lot of other young couples that attend regularly, very active mens ministries, short services on Sundays so that he can get home to watch the game-lol. But in all of that I don’t believe in our case that it is this particular church that he doesn’t want to attend, I think it’s church period.
You and your husband are considered to be unequally yoked at the moment. Since you discussing church attendance draws tension between you two, the best thing for you to do is to pray for him. PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. Pray and fast. Touch and agree with someone in the church that your husband will begin attending church with you. Have others intercede for you and your husband. He is the head of your household, so by him not attending church, it could be detrimental to your marriage. Try to share scriptures with him that point that God looks to the man if the marriage is not as it should. He took on that role when he married you. Also, remind him that God should be the head of your marriage. If he doesn’t attend church on Sunday, how is he giving God praise? Does he have a personal worship service at home on Sundays or any other day? Does he regularly study the bible on his own time at home? These are all things to try to get him to look at, but most importantly, pray for your husband.
We really have to look at the history that our men have with church, “church people”, (yes, I said that term), religion vs. relationship. Praying for him, (God’s will and not your own) is the best way to communicate with God concerning any issue. But really, we as people have our fears and reluctancies about church and religion. Men don’t want to just go through the religious motions. They need to get something from it. Another thing is, when they see men from church behaving and living no differently than men who aren’t “churched,” they see no point in going. Ask him (them) to dig deep and share the truth.
This is very sound and biblical counsel…
I’ve had a preacher tell me recently that if he wasn’t a pastor, he wouldn’t go to church to see his wife screaming and getting excited over seeing some man every week. The man feels (and is) the spiritual head of the household, so I can understand how it could be difficult for us to attend church when we lose our position on Sundays with the good Rev’n.
If a man claims to be the spiritual head of his household and feels like he lost his position because he when to church (1) he ain’t the head or at least he ain’t acted like it and (2) I submit that’s a male and not a man.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
what about the men that are in the church every Sunday from the habit or routine but are living a double life. That does not edify nor is it healthy for a marriage. I think it may have a lot to do with the catch. In order to have her he knew he had to be that guy. She saw in him what she wanted to see, and he did what he knew she needed to see in order for him to get what he wanted. WE as women do that A LOT. We let the man feed us what we have decided was best for us and never concerned about what he would naturally do.
The church I attend has many men in attendance who actively participate in church activities. According to my husband, this is because the pastor is actively involved in the lives of the men. He regularly has meetings with the men, and from my understanding, they keep things real. It’s not about bringing the men to shame for what they are not doing, but it is more about encouraging them in their walk with the Lord. Men share their testimonies from being released from prison to being womanizers and everything in the middle. They openly talk about things in their lives that have not worked for them. The bottom line is men are being mentored to become the priest, provider, and protectors for their families. It does not happen over night. It is a process, a learning process that evolves as men sit under teaching that does less condemning and more mentoring and encouraging. Even a righteous man falls seven times, but it is the ones who get back up and get back in line who get the victory.
BRAVO – Right on point. Men don’t want to know how much you know about God until the first know that you care about them. As a former Men’s Ministry director I never tried to shove church or the ministry down a brother’s throat. But I always engaged the brother to see how he was doing, what was happening in his life and how his family was doing. We talked about the game or whatever. Whenever that brother had a problem he would call me. I’d walk with him through that problem and he’d be appreciative. And then all of a sudden, without any provacation, the very next ministry meeting that dude come walking in the door. Then he feel the love of authentic brothers and in no time you see a brother go from come to church once in a while to many activitely engaged. Your husband is on point and your reflection of him is what marriage should be.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
wow “Its not about bringing the men to shame for twhat they are not doing but more about encouraging them in their walk wiht the Lord.” Love that, very powerful statement!
I have to admit, I am one of those black men that does not always go to church with my wife and young son. Aja’s article sounds like something my wife could have written; she has voiced similar concerns.
Over the years, I could never understand why my wife had a problem with me not wanting to go to church with her. After all, I am active in our life together, we openly share our faith with each other (have daily prayer, etc..), and she has always said that she is very happy with her life with me- she just wants (needs) me to go to church.
From my perspective, God is the center of Worship, so I could not imagine going to church, to make my wife happy or to meet her social religious need of having us together in the church. Like many men, the church is distracting to me and the only people who seem to be obessed with “going to church” are women. The church functions in a way that meets the needs of women and turns men off. For instance, men love to do things- not sit and lesson for hours…this goes against our nature.
I am actively involved with running a church mentor program- that seems more meaningful to me. We mentors (many of the guys in my group don’t go to church every week) have conflict resolution workshops with the young black boys that we mentor.
Over time, my wife was surprised to see that I found a mid-day Worship service to attend near my job. I go to this service alone. The Worship service is simple (no church announcements, church drama, ect.). I met with other people who engaged in a brief Worship service (prayer, praise, brief sermon). This service last for 30 min. I notice that I attend this service much more than I would a church service, because God seem central to this service- not my wife’s religious needs or the demands and needs of the broader Christian community.
I do not think that we men are anti-God. Many of us believe and our lives are impacted by our faith. The problem that we have is the church people and the women in our lives want us to make our faith in God acceptable to them…asking us to focus on God’s creation instead of God during Worship invites our rebellion. And yes, I love my wife, I love my son, and I love people. Just not the way others want me to.
@Walker, thanks so much for your response. Everything that you’re saying makes sense. I don’t want my husband just going with me for appearances sake. I would only want him to go to benefit himself and our marriage. I think it is true that the way you worship doesn’t have to match the way someone else sees you doing it. The issue for me is that many people say that they don’t need a formal worship service to have a relationship with God, but also don’t take the initiative to do anything that works for them on their own. To me it then just becomes more of an excuse to do nothing than anything else.
The reason many men don’t go to church, it that it is full of hypocrites. Some people commenting on this topic have been judgemental of someone who doesn’t think or do like they think or do…..You know the typical black community model. Either you are with me or you are against me. This is pure hypocrisy. Judge not, lest ye be judged.
I do not suffer fools lightly, nor do I have patience for people who talk one way, but walk another.
This is simple people. God is internal, this is how the holy spirit is omniscient and omnipotent. Most men I know are practical. Most men I know are spiritual. We speak to and commune regularly with the spirit within us. This is enough for me…….
The reason many men don’t go to church, it that it is full of hypocrites. Some people commenting on this topic have been judgemental of someone who doesn’t think or do like they think or do…..You know the typical black community model. Either you are with me or you are against me. This is pure hypocrisy. Judge not, lest ye be judged.
I do not suffer fools lightly, nor do I have patience for people who talk one way, but walk another.
This is simple people. God is internal, this is how the holy spirit is omniscient and omnipotent. Most men I know are practical. Most men I know are spiritual. We speak to and commune regularly with the spirit within us. This is enough for me…….
God works with a willing heart, and as long as our husbands aren’t adamant AGAINST going to church, there is hope. There is something powerful about worshipping together, and even if husbands aren’t making Sunday services, I strongly suggest attending a thriving, lively, marriage ministry that “keeps it real”. We were VERY active at our church for the past 5 years, but it was wearing him out (I could tell). The services were tooooo long and members were way too demanding (when he participated). He would grin and bear it, but I saw his light going out. So I did as someone above suggested. I visited around and found a WONDERFUL church, that is full of life, and not as traditional as we were used to. We can go dressed casually (WHICH IS BIG FOR SOME MEN), and the services are two hours long…in-and-out! Guess what? He is so excited we joined this past Sunday and he actually can’t wait to get involved with the men’s ministry! It’s in his heart, and he loves the Lord, and understands he has to give the Lord his reasonable service. I do believe we have to find a good “fit” for our families, however….
Keeshab2002, I am glad that you found a church where your husband is happy and actively engaged in the services. The only problem I have with your testimony is that you were the who felt the need to go out and find a church where your husband could be happy. If he was the unhappy one, why did he not take the initiative to find a church?! Nonetheless, I am glad that he is glad that he found a church where he can get is church “fix” taken care of in two, count ’em, two hours. Most of us work eight hours on jobs five or more days a week, yet we only go to church one day a week (two at the most) and we complain about church being more than two hours. Church is the most important place we will attend all week long and we complain that two hours is too long. We don’t say that about watching sports or television or sitting in front of the computer or having sex–when it comes to these type of secular activities, the longer the better is the way we think! It is a good thing God doesn’t get bored and walk away from us the way we get bored with Him!
God works with a willing heart, and as long as our husbands aren’t adamant AGAINST going to church, there is hope. There is something powerful about worshipping together, and even if husbands aren’t making Sunday services, I strongly suggest attending a thriving, lively, marriage ministry that “keeps it real”. We were VERY active at our church for the past 5 years, but it was wearing him out (I could tell). The services were tooooo long and members were way too demanding (when he participated). He would grin and bear it, but I saw his light going out. So I did as someone above suggested. I visited around and found a WONDERFUL church, that is full of life, and not as traditional as we were used to. We can go dressed casually (WHICH IS BIG FOR SOME MEN), and the services are two hours long…in-and-out! Guess what? He is so excited we joined this past Sunday and he actually can’t wait to get involved with the men’s ministry! It’s in his heart, and he loves the Lord, and understands he has to give the Lord his reasonable service. I do believe we have to find a good “fit” for our families, however….
Pretty simple, if you are not a Disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ, then no matter what your sex is church will have no appeal.
“X”
This is an interesting discussion. I too am blessed with a church home that my husband finds engaging. He goes with or without me. I think it’s similar to the qualities that Kholm mentioned, the pastor holds men’s bible study regularly. We have basketball ministries that reach out the the area youth using our male members as coaches/refs. They even put the football games on the big screen after service so no one has to worry about missing the Bears (until next season anyway). And our pastor talks much mess during bid-wis (sp???) games at fellowship get-togethers. All this creates an environment that celebrates & honors men. I do think too many churches are femininize (to make up word). If my husband/children were not growing or engaged in our current church home, I would have to quickly find a place that addressed all of our needs – especially my husbands. This is too serious a topic to be self-centered (i.e. comfortable with worship for myself).
Great piece, Aja. I think there are a number of reasons that our churches have relatively few men in attendance. Our country in general is becoming less religious. I also think that some men feel theyve got everything together and dont need someone (a pastor) holding them accountable for the quality of their spiritual life. I also believe that some of things that it takes to truly follow Christ (e.g. obedience and submission) are contrary to societal norms related to masculinity. I think that there are some churches that are more “guy-friendly†than others but ultimately the goal should be a personal relationship with God. At this point, however, I believe the best options are prayer and continuing to be a living witness.
As Jacquiemdc said, this is why it is critical that Christian singles be honest with themselves when considering a potential partners faith walk while dating. “Missionary dating†is not a good look, in my opinion. If our relationship with God is a priority, then our dating decisions need to reflect that.
@Delano- Great thoughts, as always.
Great piece, Aja. I think there are a number of reasons that our churches have relatively few men in attendance. Our country in general is becoming less religious. I also think that some men feel theyve got everything together and dont need someone (a pastor) holding them accountable for the quality of their spiritual life. I also believe that some of things that it takes to truly follow Christ (e.g. obedience and submission) are contrary to societal norms related to masculinity. I think that there are some churches that are more “guy-friendly†than others but ultimately the goal should be a personal relationship with God. At this point, however, I believe the best options are prayer and continuing to be a living witness.
As Jacquiemdc said, this is why it is critical that Christian singles be honest with themselves when considering a potential partners faith walk while dating. “Missionary dating†is not a good look, in my opinion. If our relationship with God is a priority, then our dating decisions need to reflect that.
He does not attend church because he is not in a relationshiop with God, so he does not want to fewllowship with God’s people. What do the two of you do in your home to worship God? Daily devlotions, prayer, bible reading and discussion? If none of this is done in the home why would he go. Just because a person believes God does not mean they have faith in God. Also I agree with Delano, men don’t want anyone in control of them, not even God.
He does not attend church because he is not in a relationshiop with God, so he does not want to fewllowship with God’s people. What do the two of you do in your home to worship God? Daily devlotions, prayer, bible reading and discussion? If none of this is done in the home why would he go. Just because a person believes God does not mean they have faith in God. Also I agree with Delano, men don’t want anyone in control of them, not even God.
Aja has started quite the discussion!!! I would really like to weigh in on this. Its long, so feel free to skip, haha.
1. I think we need a clear understanding of what we are talking about. I see people saying God, Religion, Christianity, Church, and Spirituality as if they are all the same thing. They are not. I say that because just because someone doesnt have Church doesnt mean they dont have God. Just because someone isnt Religious doesnt mean they arent spiritual. Just because someone isnt Christian doesnt mean they dont have God and so on and so forth. (Thats my opinion without trying to get into a longer discussion about religion/spirituality itself.) I stress this because you need to identify exactly where you fit in that and what you want/require because it may mean something different to the other person. No matter how specific it may sound, say it. Say that you need a Church going Christian that believes in worshipping in whatever particular way to require. Because you cant fault someone because you go to church and they dont if all you stated was that you needed someone that believed in God etc. Just an example, but I hope I got my point across. God doesnt equate Christ, Christ may equate God to Christians, but peoples views/beliefs/spirituality have expanded much, especially in this new day. I dont say that to offend, I just say to be clear with yourself and the other person initially to avoid certain issues later. I really want to stress being HONEST with what you want/require. If you need tradition or formality or if you strongly need the ritual of Church, then please state that because you may be faulting someone that actually does walk a righteous path and has a good relationship and spirituality because they arent ritualistic.
2. Everybodys relationship with a higher power is different and sometimes worshipping IS different for men, it can be different for anyone. That needs to be evaluated and understood. Just like some have already stated, some dont like the whole drama and production of church. Some just like the lesson or they like other aspects. Example: Im not Christian, Im not religious, but my wife is (long story, hahaha). My upbringing is Southern Virginia Baptist Church, so church often lasts well over three hours. I never liked it. I personally dont like Gospel music and dont care for everything thats always apart of ‘service, but I always loved the Word, the lesson, especially the rev I had, he was a teacher. I personally study spirituality/religion/philosophy (it will be my major) and that is how I felt connected; through my study, learning, meditation/prayer. My wife LOVES gospel music, she sings, so she actually communicates in that way also. I just say that to stress to know exactly what you want/require. If worshipping differently means your house is yoked unevenly, then dont get involved or reevaluate, but we cant place fault or blame on one person because they do things differently. Lord knows I know how difficult it is when involving children. It can look uneven or wrong, but if the differences are small, then cant we teach that people worship differently. I understand the benefit of being uniform, so if its THAT important, establish that requirement early.
3. Lastly, I guess this is from a religious POV, I also understand the importance of the man being the head or spiritual leader of the house. I went to a fathers day service last year and the preacher said that as man I have to lead, I need to be the one that gets everyone going for church. He said the man needs to represent God and the Priest in the house. So, if youre in a religious relationship like this, then the man may actually need to step up to his duties, if thats what you both believe. I also agree with it in some ways. I do feel I need to be knowledgeable and there to minster to my family (in my way). Its not for ego or to subject my wife or anything. For me, its a part of protection. Im in a very equal modern relationship, but as a man I WANT to and I have the need to protect and take care of my family in all ways. In my lowest moment my wife was the one that helped me spiritually through her example and I felt God used her as a vessel to save me and protect me in certain ways. My three year old daughter protects me and helps me. My point in this is that, still considering everything, I cant be deficient in this quality. So, I must step up.
Sorry about the length…Peace
Aja, great post. I think the best thing you can do is to be consistent with your own attendance and taking the kids even when though difficult. But also just pray and wait for your husband to get there. Life has a way of bringing people around in God’s time. It is not the sort of thing you can tell someone to do, they don’t appreciate it until their own life experience makes it clear that God is necessary.
I’ll piggy-back someone on the FB thread & Reggie above and say that if the man is dissatisfied, he should take the initiative and find a church that does satisfy him (and protects his woman from scum). And on the flip side, women need to allow their men to lead, even if that means following them to a different church besides the one you’ve been at for 25 years.
But as Walkerterrance noted, church should be about your vertical relationship, not about horizontal ones. As much as we want to use church to benefit our horizontal relationships, the primary purpose of it is NOT that. What happens is that as our vertical relationship is established, secured, and developed, it (not the means by which it is achieved) allows for a better establishment, securing, and developing of horizontal relationships. And sometimes we must realize that specific demands of “church attendance and involvement” hinder vertical relationship with horizontal static.
Ladies, shift your focus. Get concerned with his heart, his eternal soul, his salvation – AS ANOTHER HUMAN – and forget about the fact that he is/could be your husband. We have to learn to separate our roles so that we can get a better grasp on the higher truth: that his dynamic, 2-way relationship with GOD is the most important thing in his world. So if we’re not doing all we can to support that one fact, then we’re actually NOT being the helpmeet that we’re called to be.
And I must recall the other related BMWK discussion: https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2010/09/01/7-reasons-why-men-dont-attend-church/
I agree. It is important for couples to go to church together. There are two reasons.
First, more often than not, it is wives whose faith anchors the original commitment to attend church. Husbands should honor their wives by at least sharing a common value system based on a common faith. Attending church will strengthen the faith that both husband and wife need to establish a strong moral compass for their children.
But, secondly, attending church must be something more than a social event on Sunday. If it is not a confirmation of a shared belief of the married couple, then it is more honest of the husband to stay home than to display a hypocritical belief at church on Sunday.
More importantly, the question of church attendance has to be answered in terms of how the beliefs, principles, and practices taught in church (and the Bible) serve as the basis for the value system we present to our children within our families. What church attendance provides is a confirmation of our Christian belief system. This needs to be supported beyond the 2 hours on Sunday. Without some foundation, our children will become morally adrift, and we will find ourselves in arguments with our teenagers who will conclude that their “situation ethics” are just as good as your “old time religion.”
Yes, fathers, you will reap what you sow.
I agree. It is important for couples to go to church together. There are two reasons.
First, more often than not, it is wives whose faith anchors the original commitment to attend church. Husbands should honor their wives by at least sharing a common value system based on a common faith. Attending church will strengthen the faith that both husband and wife need to establish a strong moral compass for their children.
But, secondly, attending church must be something more than a social event on Sunday. If it is not a confirmation of a shared belief of the married couple, then it is more honest of the husband to stay home than to display a hypocritical belief at church on Sunday.
More importantly, the question of church attendance has to be answered in terms of how the beliefs, principles, and practices taught in church (and the Bible) serve as the basis for the value system we present to our children within our families. What church attendance provides is a confirmation of our Christian belief system. This needs to be supported beyond the 2 hours on Sunday. Without some foundation, our children will become morally adrift, and we will find ourselves in arguments with our teenagers who will conclude that their “situation ethics” are just as good as your “old time religion.”
Yes, fathers, you will reap what you sow.
Do you all think that men see/feel something that we dont? I have heard men say that church does not speak on ‘real issues’. its more about the pie in the sky; not how to be a good husband, father, son etc. Once I have been told that when they do attend church/men’s group everyone is perfect, perfect life, marriage, kids. The church needs to reach MEN especially where they are. My husband does not attend church w/ me and I am okay w/ that. We pray and read things together/discuss. Ppl dont have to go to church to learn about God, we need to learn to meet ppl where they are. it sounds like most want their husband to attend b/c it looks good (we are equally yoked); not b/c he is learning anything. When ppl say equally yoked what does that mean? Just b/c my husband does not attend church does not mean we are unequally yoked! That scripture is taken out of context in my opinion, reach your husband AJA where he is. Dont force him b/c that makes life harder and you are not unequally yoked. We cant make ppl do something against their will.
Do you all think that men see/feel something that we dont? I have heard men say that church does not speak on ‘real issues’. its more about the pie in the sky; not how to be a good husband, father, son etc. Once I have been told that when they do attend church/men’s group everyone is perfect, perfect life, marriage, kids. The church needs to reach MEN especially where they are. My husband does not attend church w/ me and I am okay w/ that. We pray and read things together/discuss. Ppl dont have to go to church to learn about God, we need to learn to meet ppl where they are. it sounds like most want their husband to attend b/c it looks good (we are equally yoked); not b/c he is learning anything. When ppl say equally yoked what does that mean? Just b/c my husband does not attend church does not mean we are unequally yoked! That scripture is taken out of context in my opinion, reach your husband AJA where he is. Dont force him b/c that makes life harder and you are not unequally yoked. We cant make ppl do something against their will.
unequally yoked is not being on the same page..how can God bless your marriage when you go to church and your husband doesnt? its better if you guys go together so that you can learn and grow together…thats great that you read and pray together so whats so wrong about goin to church together? no you cant make him go but you can plant the seed and pray for him and ask God to make him more open and recpective to going to church…also for the comment about the hyprocrites in church i agree that there are alot of foul preachers and churches out here but thats not all of them you need to touch and agree and pray with your mate (or yourself if your single) about where God would have you go so that you can grow and learn his Word..God wants us to go to church it says in the Bible that we should “assemble together…” that means go to church…theres alot you can learn by studying “study to show thyself approved…” but theres nothing like hearing a good word from the man of God in a message that you know God has delivered to him/her…for those whose husbands arent going to church with them pray about it and believe that God will change your situation, lay your hands on your husband when he sleeps, have someone pray with you, whatever you need to do because it is important
Church was not made to bless your marriage. Church attendance and involvement does not mean that someone is “closer to God”. It is commonly agreed that hypocrisy is the most common malady of “church folk”, so why would we think that simply church attendance will be what our marriages need? We have to get to the root of WHY they’re not attending!
First let’s start off by stating it doesn’t even matter, if your husband goes to church or not, if his heart is not into it, then it won’t matter. Being a Christian is much more than getting up Sunday morning or going to some men’s meeting. First, as I stated earlier ‘church’ is not really church. Something that my wife and I have realized, is that people are going to church every Sunday, but are leading lives that may send them straight to Hades because these churches are so caught up in being worldly, glorifying people, or being judgmental. Because these are the last days, there are very few preachers that are giving an edify word. Without a true word, going to church every Sunday is nothing more than religion. But it is so much more, how does your husband live outside of church? Is his life lined up with the word? Does he read the Bible? We can’t even begin to talk about him going to church until he is serious about getting into and living the word. On top of that, what is your preacher talking about? Men get disengaged quickly because they don’t believe the word is relevant to them. There are some preachers that would rather you glorify them, put their name on everything, and give them all your money for them to spend, and sometimes men can see through this better than women. That’s not to say that these men are more ‘Christian’ than the women, but some people can just see when someone isn’t being real. I would ask these questions to the author, how is your church impacting you? Are you growing? Are you truly getting the word of God? Do you honestly believe that the preached word is edifying to both man or woman? Some of those questions may be difficult for you to answer, but your husband’s answer to them could be the source of the problem. If he doesn’t feel fulfilled then it’s either him or the church that’s the problem. Either way, if he’s not truly engaged in Christ then it won’t matter what church you attend. All you can do is pray that God changes his heart.
I am currently dating a minister and my story is on the flip side. He not only preaches when asked by the Pastor of the church (at the drop of a hat), he picks up and drops off those who attend church, he cleans the church (once a week), sets up and breaks down chairs, tables when the church is having a program, teaches bible study when the Pastor is not able, teaches Sunday school when the Pastor is not able, makes home/hospital visits to members of the church, if someone needs to talk he makes time to be a listener, pray for them, etc.
There have been very few times he has not attended church. Basically a one man show. There are a “handful” of men who also attend the church but he is the one doing all of these things. It is putting a strain in our relationship [lack of time] due to the things he does for the church not to mention total exhaustion from everything he does. In addition he works full-time and has a five year old and of course she comes first.
Irma,
Sounds like you are describing me before my bride and I were married. I was the one who was in the building cleaning/preparing for services. I was the one who locked up after rehearsals and special programs. It was fulfilling to me to be of service and in a lot of ways it kept focused. It didn’t continue into my marriage because one of the ministers pulled me aside, late one night, and told me that this would not be sustainable after I got married. It shocked, but after a lot of discussion with him I understood what he meant.
If you guys are seriously considering marriage than I would encourage him to talk with a leader that he respects about what his responsibilities as a husband mean for his time commitments at church.
Irma,
Sounds like you are describing me before my bride and I were married. I was the one who was in the building cleaning/preparing for services. I was the one who locked up after rehearsals and special programs. It was fulfilling to me to be of service and in a lot of ways it kept focused. It didn’t continue into my marriage because one of the ministers pulled me aside, late one night, and told me that this would not be sustainable after I got married. It shocked, but after a lot of discussion with him I understood what he meant.
If you guys are seriously considering marriage than I would encourage him to talk with a leader that he respects about what his responsibilities as a husband mean for his time commitments at church.
Thanks Gods_Man for your feedback and sharing your story. I will definitely share this with him. God Bless you both.