Dear Dr. Buckingham,
Hello. I have been reading your blogs and stumbled upon one about women marrying men in prison. I’m currently in a similar situation and would like your advice and view. I’m twenty-seven with one four year old child. About three years ago, I met and fell and love with a man online. We spent time together a few times and then he VANISHED! I moved on with my life dating on and off but still had feelings for this man who had disappeared.
About a year ago, I began receiving letters from Mr. Casper. He was incarcerated. He went on to explain that he was in a bad situation at the time and didn’t want to get me involved and blah blah. It wasn’t what I wanted to hear so I just threw the letters to the side.
Well about six months ago, I received a phone call from him and it went from there; old feelings came rushing back and we’ve been in contact ever since. Here’s the kicker – he’s about ten months from his release date and has been talking about marriage and children. I don’t know if it’s the smooth prison talk or if he is sincere.
I personally don’t want any more kids plus he has three from two previous women. (Also) marriage has never been a big issue with me.
What do I do? How do I know he won’t disappear again? And how can I get it into his head that I’m content the way I am right now? Should I Commit to a Man Who Has a History of Vanishing?
Confused in Love
Dear Confused in Love,
I hate to pre-judge people, but it appears that Mr. Casper is probably not a good investment of your time. He appears to have a problem with stability and being present. Protecting you from his troubled situation is honorable, but how he did it is not. Effective communication is a good sign of a healthy relationship.
Marriage is honorable and I highly encourage it. However, marriage is not solely about being in love. Marriage is about being able to:
- Support each other
- Comfort each other
- Being committed to each other
Before you entertain marriage, make sure that you are emotionally and mentally ready. Also, have conversations with your partner about his future plans for financial stability. Marriage talk should be discussed after he is capable of articulating and demonstrating his ability to provide for you and your son in a legal and prosperous manner.
You have to trust that he will be present. Unfortunately, his track record does not look good. You stated that he has children from two previous women. Do you plan to be the third woman? Don’t be fooled or won over by the smooth talk. Allow him to win your heart through his actions.
Everyone deserves a second chance at life and love. However, make sure that you can handle the potential consequences of dealing with a man who has the ability to transform into Casper the friendly ghost.
Make sure that you take care of your heart and mind. Make decisions that are not clouded by blind love. Nurture your mind and do not allow your heart to do what your mind cannot handle. Do not make any decisions without seeking professional guidance.
Also, please visit my website at www.drbuckingham.com and secure a copy of newest book, You Deserve More: A Single Woman’s Guide to Marriage. The book will help you select a lifetime partner with confidence, enhance your marriage investment skills, and get lifetime commitment from the right partner.
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to [email protected]
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.