In a recent article on The Root, a man confessed that he hasn’t had a girlfriend in 16 years! “What people don’t understand is that my income isn’t as high as many would expect, and it makes me feel insecure about how women may view my current professional station in life,” he wrote.
At first I thought his insecurity was personal. He just needs to be more confident, I thought. Quit trying to date women who are out of his league and start focusing on the women who do want him, I suggested.
But then I realized that this brother is struggling with a big myth that says you have to get your life together BEFORE you can be worthy of love.
This cultural myth says you’re supposed to have all your money, career, and fitness goals checked off a list, and so should your partner.
- The Law of Attraction folks say you need to become who you want to attract.
- Your mama (or daddy) says you need to find a man you can respect.
- Your girlfriends say you shouldn’t have to take care of a man.
- Your pastor says God won’t bless you with a mate until you get your life together.
- You say you worked hard to lose weight, get out of debt, climb the corporate ladder or build a business, and you deserve a man who has big goals like you.
I mean, being on the same level is what makes a true partnership, right?
Wrong!
A true partnership is one where kindness, acceptance, wisdom, grace, and forgiveness exists. It is a safe place for each individual to grow and become all that God created them to be.
A true partnership is about who you are becoming, not what you are doing. However, there’s this pressure for men to have it all together before they should even think about marriage, and sadly, I believe many women have gotten caught up in spreading this message. Now trust me. I’m not saying you should date someone who is irresponsible, self-centered, immature or needy!
What I am saying is that we need to get back to the basics. A partnership is about growing together and creating something amazing together. That means the person you meet may not have it all together right now, but if he has the right heart, he may be the right man for you.
It’s not about choosing a partner based on potential, because that can be dangerous. You want to be sure you can live with the person you’re marrying even if he never changes!
What I’m speaking about is judging a person based on some checklist you’ve created in your head that holds people to an impossible standard of perfection. As Bishop TD Jakes once said: “We have a tendency to want the other person to be a finished product while we give ourselves the grace to evolve.”
Don’t miss out on a good partner because he doesn’t look like the person you’ve always imagined!
BMWK, would you date someone who doesn’t have his life together yet?
This is EXACTLY what I told my now husband when we started dating! He kept asking me “why him” when he was lacking a few things that a lot of women would have passed him by for not having. I told him that all the things he was concerned about could be changed if he put forth the effort. Long story short he’s doing what needs to be done and loves me for loving him as he is.
Good article. So true. I have been guilty of seeking a mate based on my checklist. I am currently dating someone that does not meet up to my checklist standards. I decided to go with the flow and enjoy the journey. He is attentive, kind, and supportive. Surprisingly, I am finding myself feeling a bit blissful. I would have missed out if I stuck to my checklist. Thanks again for sharing.
This story really resonated with me. I feel incredibly insecure when it comes to dating because I’m not where I want to be in my career. I do my best to cut spending, pay down debt, and save, but my income level is pitiful. I’ve heard that men are less concerned about women having it all together, but I want to be the type of woman who is an asset rather than a liability. I’m afraid the kind of man I want to attract (financially stable) won’t be able to get past my instability to see all the great qualities I do have that make me an asset. Setbacks and challenges shouldn’t keep us from having healthy, love-filled relationships, but we live in the real world where money problems, along with poor communication, often contribute to the breakdown of a marriage. What do you suggest I do?
So true!!
That’s exactly my issue too. I’m trying to get out of the industry I was in for 10 years. The pay is awful. I’ve been trying to get out for 5 years. I just quit my job in February. I have had some interviews for jobs in a similar, better-paying field, but no offers yet. So I feel the same, like, at least be financially stable, whatever level you’re at. It’s tough not being stable alone, I can’t imagine someone dating when one person is struggling. But, both sides will know how the other handles that situation, if it were on the other foot/in a marriage
VERY interesting. I keep thinking I can’t/won’t get the man of my dreams because I’m not where I want to be. It’s difficult being in the mid 30s and nowhere close to having a meaningful long-term relationship. At this age most of my friends are married, engaged, or divorced. I don’t think I have it in me to date someone for years. Hopefully when he comes into my life, I know immediately.
is good to find a man that is loving ,caring, respectable and like work , cause is not easy for a woman to do it all on her own, most man and woman fail ,because they chose the wrong man/woman , they look on the outside beauty of a woman/man and not on the inside
As a guy who worked multiple jobs full & part-time at the same time once out of school trying to find my way. Dating and looking for a soul mate wasn’t my priority due to how acceptable I felt with my finances. I’m far from an unattractive guy but when ya money low the motivation in dating is too unless you like being a sucker fish guy and that wasn’t me.
I just wanted to pay my bills and have fun when I could. I did start to focus on my career and once I got were I was semi comfortable I pursued woman in a different light mainly of the same caliber pretty, money motivated and driven etc so I thought.
What I found was most not all felt that they were more entitled and that didn’t sit well with me at all. See as a fly on the wall and with many friend girls of all walks for so many years you’d think I would have learned a thing or two but no not really.
Long story short I arrived at a different vantage point and that was find what I liked about me in a women. That may sound strange but in short it’s just genuine commonalities. Honest, hardworking, compassionate to others, minds my own business, not caught up in the world but broke trying trying and trying with good intentions.
I found just that we dated and strangely enough complimented eachother. I’m now married to her 4 years strong. The most gorgeous women who ironically has 90% of the same likes as I. We now go to church together, have a child together, bought/built a new home together and are perusing further education together. If all goes well we’ll both walk across the stage together.
We are not rich and have a perfect life we are not poor by any stretch but we are two poor kids from both sides of the country that came together and we continue to enrich our lives together.
I think we get caught up in what the world say what our lives should be instead of making our lives what we want it to be in a relistic manner and working on it from there.
Wish you much success!!!
That is awesome! Thanks for sharing! I wish the both of you a long, and happy life together!!
If you and your partner are trying have something in life. And Y’all are happy together Go for it!! I totally agree with this article about we need to get back to the basics. Who want to be with someone who is needy, insecure,and immature?
Definitely true. Especially if you are a man.