I often wonder what people mean when they ask if someone is “happily married.” Most married people, I’d assume, would say they would like to be happy in their decision to be married to their spouse, but often times, that’s not what the question is getting at.
When people talk about being happily married, whether consciously or not, we’re thinking of what the spouse is doing. If you’re asking if a co-worker is happily married, you’re wondering if the wife is really taking care of the home or if the husband appreciates that he’s got a good thing.
But being happily married starts with us. Much of the frustration that I’ve encountered in my marriage is because I was somehow trying to direct our marriage by dictating how my husband should act. If only he’d ____, I’d think to myself, our marriage would be much better. But I missed the fundamental rule of marriage and of life: You can only control what you do.
So if you say you want a great marriage, you’ve got to put in the work. That means:
- Not letting your attitude overshadow your actions. You might be upset because of work, the kids getting on your nerves or your friends are bringing too much drama to your life. But don’t take your stress out on your spouse.
- Giving each other space.
- Setting aside a regular time to talk and “check in.” How do you know if things are running smoothly if you’re not making communication a priority?
- Recognizing that the only two opinions that matter are yours and your spouse’s.
- Praying and practicing true forgiveness.
- Treating your spouse BETTER than you’d like to be treated.
- Never forgetting that marriage is a choice. You chose to get married and you choose to stay married. Remember why you made that choice and keep it at the forefront.
- Working to ensure you learn your spouse’s love language and striving to keep their love tank at least 75% full.
- Making the daily effort to connect. Marriage, unfortunately, doesn’t work well on auto-pilot.
BMWK family, what are some other ways that you can work towards having a great marriage? Let us know what you do.
We have to be willing to put our money where our mouth is!!! If we say we want a happy marriage..then we have to be willing to invest in that happiness..that means work, time, energy..and some cases money.
I so agree! I say “Put your money where your love is!” Some couples need therapy but say it is too expensive. I’m not saying to go in total debt for therapy but I am saying that if is it at all possible, make a way to pay for it. Marriage is an investment…the greatest one we can make. So if you gotta spend to get some tools to make the marriage work, do so and cut back on other things.
I have learned to say I am faithfully married instead of happily married. Gotta stand the rain…(in my New Edition voice) not always happy but faithfully always
I absolutely agree with that..
At C. Walker, I love that thinking!!!
Spend quality time together and try listening to some old school jams together is great!
Ladies you have pointed out some great ways to reconnect and stay connected in a marriage. These are points I definiely needed to hear. We’ve struggled with consistantly setting time aside for ourselves and I believe this needds to become more of a priority. Thank you for your help.
I’m at a loss. But I really love this site and the inspiration it carries for Black families.
I feel like I have been saying the same thing as the title of this article to my wife for the 6 years that we’ve been together. There’s no way I can go into all of it but:
For most of the 6 years we’ve been together (married four with 3 year old daughter), I have worked to build a relationship with emotional and financial stability. Most of that time, my wife has had a very childlike approach. She wants what she wants right when she wants it. She wants to have “fun” ALL the time. The concept of working and sacrificing to get to where we agreed we wanted to go since the beginning of our relationship is all but completely beyond her. She wants all the physical and emotional gratification, but is unwilling to reciprocate.
I am in the army. I am at home and helping out when I’m not at work – hardly ever anywhere else.
Recently while I was away training, she decided to distance herself from me; refused to talk to me; told me I wasn’t the sort of person that she’d like to party with; that she was still young (she’s 35 and I’m 29) and that she wanted to party; all I want to do is work work work.
She gave her number out and went out on a few dates. She went partying, got stupid drunk, and had sex with some guy. But “it’s not her fault because she didn’t know what was going on. And no, it wasn’t rape.”
On Easter – a week after this incident – I’m finally home (she has been complaining that the root of all our problems is that I am not home). She tells me about her indiscretion. I don’t flip as she cries and pleads with me to forgive her. The next day, she leaves our daughter and me to go partying again. She gets drunk again, and has sex with another guy.
Months pass with her styling on me, dissing me, cussing me out, and telling me it wasn’t her fault etc etc. Then her family pretty much disown her. She then “realizes” that I’m the only one that’s truly been there for her. She’s sorry and she can’t believe how horrendously she’s treated me the last 6 months.
Slowly I’m starting to crumble at her sweet promises and the vision of finally having a peaceful and happy home.
She promises that she’ll learn how to be a good and respectful wife, and put aside her “no man can tell me what to do” mentality.
Two days ago, she goes grocery shopping, and accepts a ride from some guy home. She calls me at that time while I’m finishing a 14-hour long day, and tells me she’s going out with her girlfriend. About 6 hours later she calls me telling how she almost got raped. She hadn’t really gone out with the girlfriend. Instead, she had gone out and had had drinks with this guy. But “it was OK because she hadn’t intended on sleeping with him; she just wanted free drinks.” After they were both drunk, she had asked him to take her home. He drove more than 20min in the opposite direction. He parked and then tried to force himself on her. She managed to get out of the car screaming, with no pants on, and good Samaritans had called her an ambulance and some cops.
Now she was calling me from there, telling me that she had almost got raped.
I told her I have had enough of her disrespect. I have given and forgiven countless times, and I cannot do it any more.
I feel like I have done what it takes for a marriage; but she is a master at being the victim. She now says to me, “Don’t turn your back on me.”
Really?????
How far should a man go to fight to keep his family?
Only at times like this she admits that she is a total mess; she’s very immature, and she claims that she needs me.
I know I sound like an idiot for even asking, but HOW MANY TIMES AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THIS??????
@ Jay your situation sounds very complex, u need to pray without ceasing and make a move. Sometimes we become professional at venting our spouses issues and shortcomings because we don’t want to admit we made a mistake by ignoring the signs we saw before we took those vows. Another thing is the time we’ve invested in the marriage/relationship, but it’s only really time wasted. An investment brings a return for the better not the perpetual worst.
This is serious. Is your wife a Christian? You all need to seek ministerial counseling if you want to save your marriage.
Thank you for your feedback, yà ll. I did pray; for a long time. I must now take ownership of my part. I am leaving this marriage. I feel like such a failure. But, it is what it is. My only joy comes from the prospect of raising my daughter (she`s not “Ready to be a Mom.“).
Gosh Jay, I am really hear the pain in what you’ve described. It sounds like you feel disrespected, taken advantage of, hopeless among other things. I know this is many months after your original post. You are well within your right to seek a divorce on biblical principles. I would like to offer one more option. As you might know, Hosea was asked by GOD to stay with his wife Gomer. This woman was a full blown prostitute an she WAS NOT REPENTENT. There are couples intensives. One place that I am thinking of is the National Institute of Marriage. You could see if your insurance would pay for some of it, or if your church would help with the cost, or friends and family. It is truly a miracle that this place even exists! They have a greater than 90% success rate for couples even ten years out! If you are not yet divorced it is something to consider and if she has showed any signs of remorse if you are in fact divorced if could still be considered. I wish the best for you either way.
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