by Aja Dorsey Jackson
My son didn’t sleep through the night until he was about nine months old. Before that, my husband and I spent many weary nights taking turns waking up every couple of hours to put him back to sleep. These nights produced a lot of tears (on my son’s part and mine) and often ended with him asleep in our bed, something that I once said that I would never allow. A lot changes when you are operating on about three hours of sleep every night that you’ve gotten in half hour segments.
Somewhere around the nine month mark the sleepless nights came abruptly to an end. Our son started going to bed at 8:30 every night and waking up no earlier than 7 am with very little variation. Hubby and I were relieved. We got our bed back and some of our alone time together without the baby quite literally coming between us.
Six months later and the late night crying sessions have started again. Because he is older now, I would feel a lot less guilty about just letting him cry himself back to sleep if I knew that his screams wouldn’t wake up our daughter. Since that isn’t the case, however, more and more I’m finding him back in our bed in the middle of the night, singing songs and shouting every word he knows at the top of his lungs. I was so excited when I realized that he could count to four at only fifteen months, but its really not cute at all at three o’clock in the morning.
As much as I love my children, it is times like these that I admit that the birth of our son has changed our relationship. Most of these changes have made our relationship stronger, but not all every change has been for the better. Our attempts at date nights, for instance, mostly just end with one or both of us passed out on the couch from sheer exhaustion. We both know that maintaining that connection with one another takes some effort, but it becomes hard to make that effort when you invest most of it in trying to keep your eyes open long enough to put a baby back to sleep.
For those of you that have or have had very young children, are you able to maintain the balance between parenting and your relationship with your spouse?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and marketing consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com.
I know a lot of people would say, “Girl, fight for it! Don’t give up on having a happy, healthy, THRIVING romance with your spouse while the kids are little.”
But I have to say that I found it difficult at best and downright frustrating to the point of tears at worst. Like I wrote in Monday’s post, it was just B-A-D those first two years. The romance definitely came in little spurts wherever we could get it. And I had to accept the fact that life wouldn’t be all roses and late night dates and suprise foot rubs and quickies whenever the mood struck. Most of the time it was “We’re out of diapers” and “Crap, did you pay the cable bill?” and feeling elated when my husband decided to load the dishwasher.
My youngest is 17 months now, and I see some semblance of our “old” lives returning. We’re doing the weekly date nights now, not because we can, but because WE HAVE TO. We missed each other and if we didn’t make an effort to have at least one night a week just for ourselves, we’d lose each other.
It’s still hard, say, for instance to sit on the couch and cuddle together, because inevitably, that’s the moment the big girl has to go to the bathroom and the little guy wants a banana.
I would just say to cherish the little moments you get with your spouse because the little ones do require a lot of time and ENERGY. Energy is the main point. If you can just hang out together for 20 minutes before you both pass out, then make those the best 20 minutes you can possibly have.
Annnnnnnnd, I’m done. One day I will learn to write a short comment. LOL.
.-= Tara @ The Young Mommy Life´s last blog ..scared straight =-.
Thanks Tara. I think I just have to stop focusing on wanting things to be how they used to be for a while and work with the little energy that I have right now!
Good one! I don’t have children, but my sister has two, ages 5 and 3. To say the least date night for my sis her bro-in-law are few and far between, which why (as the GREAT AUNTIE I am) I ask my sister if she’s free Friday/Saturday b/c I will watch the kids so her and hubby can have a date night. Like Tara mentioned, you need that date night =) and hopefully your sister helps out too 😉
@Terrific Eagle: I, too, am a proud auntie (and Godmother). The kiddies never seem to give me nearly as many problems as they do their parents — thank GOD. lol
.-= {Ms. P}´s last blog ..Krispy Kreme: Heart Doughnuts =-.
Applause to all the Aunites, for helping out your siblings with kids. Everybody needs a break. Congrats to any parent who can get their child(ren) in thier own bed before the age of two. I love watching “Super Nanny”, For Jo Jo not to have kids she sure knows what to do with them. Jo Jo has these poor tired parents repeately put the kids back in their own beds. It does work, we just have to be consistant. Most kids just want mommy or daddy to make sure there is not a monster under the bed or in the closet. To convince kids all is well some parents have a spray bottle with water in it and spray the monster from under the bed and the one in the closet. Too cute. Kids just want a sense of security.
@ Ms P, kids know how to bribe their parents, my bff would have to buy her (2) daughters DVDs, and pick up different take out , so she could drop them off at their granny’s to go on a date night with her hubby(their dad). The two girls with their list cost more than her date night out with her hubby, but date night is a necessary MUST. Just remember, kids do eventually grow up and it goes by fast. I don’t find it wrong to spend a little of the date night conversation talking about the kids. Hubby and I talk about the kids on our date night and the youngest is 20.
Oh gosh. Is this what I have to look forward to when my husband and I have kids next year? Because if so, I am milking this last year of alone {bed} time with him for all it’s worth!
{By the way, I wish I had advice for you! I agree with other sentiments for date nights and babysitters!}
.-= {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After´s last blog ..Two Blogs That Feed The Domestic Goddess In Me =-.
This will still depends if what type of partner you have. If you have an attention seeker partner then you will have a hard time balancing your time with your kid and your spouse.
All I could do was laugh out loud. All three of my chn were in our bed until at least 8 YES 8. There was just no getting sleep unless they hopped in the bed. My first born learned how to get out of her crib and come straight to our bed. Night lights didn’t work, keeping the TV on didn’t work. You just have to get through it. I’m on the third child. Hopefully she’ll stay in her own room soon. I wake up in the middle of the night and like clock work, THERE SHE IS!
I completely understand your challenge. Speaking as a Mom who has been through that process twice, I have come to realize that sometimes we put too much emphasis on “balance”. The truth is that when you have a new baby in the house, more time, energy and effort have to go towards that baby. That, unfortunately, does mean that we get less quality time with our spouses. We just have to get creative about how we spend time together. instead of a “date night”, maybe it would be more practical to have a “date afternoon” or maybe just a lunch. Instead of dinner AND a movie, it may be dinner one night and a movie on another night…Wishing you well with your baby and one thing I know is that it does get easier 🙂