I was trying to think of a snappy title, something more enticing but the simplicity of that statement (“Sometimes marriage is hard”) is something that a lot of people don’t quite understand.
They don’t understand why marriage is hard at times, what to do when those hard times come, and how to move past the hard times when everything is good again.
I’ve been having some issues offline in my marriage. Nothing too major but just those minor aches and pains that you have when you’re still (even 8 years in) learning each other as part of a couple. Our biggest problem has always been communication. He’s not a talker and I am. As a writer, I love being able to sit down on the couch and just…talk. Throw in some food and that, to me, is a great date night. To my husband, that’s torture. (Well, he’ll enjoy the food.)
But lately, his effort to have meaningful conversations with me just wasn’t enough. I wanted more. But I didn’t know how to say that. So I did my usual beat around the bush approach, to which he stared at me blankly. So I had to be blunt.
“I need you to make more of an effort to respond when I try to have a conversation with you,” I said. “I don’t like when you give me one-word answers, when I feel like I’m pulling sentences out of you, or when you act like you’d rather be anywhere else than having a conversation with me. How does that sound?”
“I’ll work on it,” he said.
Now here’s the hard part: believing that this change will come. I don’t know if I’ve ever been this blunt before, but trust me, it isn’t the first time he’s heard it. We’ve talked about this at length before – trying to communicate through email, through texts, through in-person convos during the first 20 minutes after the kids fall asleep, but somehow none of that seemed to stick. He’s just a quiet guy by nature.
I would let it go, but we’re a family. Communication is key, or so everyone tells me. If we can’t communicate effectively, I don’t even want to know what we’ll look like in 10 years.
So believing that this will happen, that he will work with me on this issue, that my needs will get met—it’s hard for me. Sometimes you don’t feel like showing patience toward your spouse. Sometimes you don’t feel like being nice all the time, considering their feelings, working toward a resolution. Sometimes you just want to be mad because, well, those are your feelings and you have a right to express them.
What I’m learning is that I can choose to be better. I can choose to be patient even when I don’t want to be. I can choose to show kindness to my husband through my words rather than run my mouth (my first instinct). I can leave the room when I feel a verbal explosion coming on. I can choose to take those hard moments and act in a way that shows my husband that I am willing to grow as well when I ask him to grow with me.
How have you grown in your marriage when it comes to the hard periods?
Hmmmm…going through the same issues except the problem is giving compliments. I’ve tried to discuss, I’ve tried to lead by example, but the problem still exist. Well it does get better for a couple of weeks, & then it dissapates. A girl needs what a girl needs……when is enough truly enough. An emotional connection is so important to me. I’m craving it & really at my wits end. This is not a short problem, this is years of emotional letdowns. Marriage is hard.
I feel your pain. We’ve been working on our communication for eight years and it’s a slow crawl to a place where we’re both happy. I try to make sure I acknowledge when he’s trying to meet my need – when he asks, “How was your day?” without me first asking about his, or during those rare moments when he gives me more than a five-word answer. And I savor those moments. Like, really, really savor them. He bought me a card a couple years ago and wrote a couple sentences about how he appreciated me. Do you know I keep that card on the mantel so I can look at it when I’m feeling kind of needy??! LOL.
Me too going same like this , so what can one do now. I have try everything a woman can do to fix the problem. He just wont try.
OMG…this same thing is going on my marriage. My husband refuses to communicate or come up with any type of solution to our problems. It’s driving me insane and I am sick and tired of his childish behavior. Oh… and when we argue, he’s constantly yelling “I’m a grown a– man!” Really?!
Sometimes communication doesn’t have to always be verbal, or long talks. He’s gotten through life so far just fine with his current communications methods, is it fair to ask him to change that just for you?
Except “just for you” is “just for his wife.” If your wife/husband expresses a need, do you not try to meet that need or do you say, “This is just how I am”? As I stated in the article, I’ve suggested other methods of communication like emailing and texting and they didn’t work. I’m unhappy with the current state of our communication – so what do I do? Not talk to him about it? Just learn to talk to my friends about matters of importance to me? Doesn’t seem fair to me, him, or our marriage. Compromise is the word I’m looking for here. I know he’ll never be a chatty guy, but all I ask we find some middle ground.
So I can’t ask him to comprise for a moment but he can continue his nonverbal communication as usual? Compromise has no meaning, huh?!
I’m so glad you wrote this…what my husband and I are going thru right now I like to call our we don’t like each other much right now phase…for my husband and I we’ve been together since we were thirteen we’re in our thirties now and what I found is we both just got tired/complacent and didn’t anticipate that over time we would change and didn’t know how to express it or fix it. Because my marriage means so much to me I took the initiative to seek help and what I’ve done had put things right again. Keep expressing how you feel without beating a dead horse because he can’t fix what he doesn’t know is wrong and because he loves you he will so his best to make sure your needs are taken care of. Again thank you for this article can’t tell you how much you’ve helped just by sharing you’re personal experience.
I definitely understand. Marriage is hard! Ive been married for 19 years and we are finally getting it together. It took a very painful situation which almost resulted in us divorcing to realize that we really love each other and want to make it work. Communication has been a mjor problem in our relationship. Im a talker and my husband used to be the one word more passive type person. We have learned to communicate by listening to each other and talking out our problems regardless to the situation, regardless if we like what each other have to say, and regardless to our feelings. At the end of the day we walk away from a situation with it resolved Marriage is hard work. Its constant change, along with patience, (a whole lot of patience), and a whole lot of understanding. One book that has really helped me is a book called fascinating womanhood by Helen Andelin. It helps me to understand my role as a wife and my husband.
Marriage is hard work and can be a trip too. We have been married nearly thirty years and we still have a communication problem at times. He does not really hear or understand what I say and it gets taken the wrong way. Hmmmm.
Have you tried prayer? I know that’s often the last thing people want to hear when they want an immediate outcome to an issue. Bottomline, we can’t change others. We can’t even change ourselves. God, on the other hand, has all the power to change those He created but you have to be willing to allow Him to. The changes that you mentioned will be much easier to make if you seek God in helping you make them. In situations like this, communication changes when you change. You don’t know when, where or how. That’s just God’s way but I’ve discovered that He changes us a lot and changes the way we see others whether they change or not. It’s amazing. Thank you for being so candid and transparent in this post.
I just feel like what it took to get her (long talks, long hugs, passionate kisses) is everything that is needed to sustain the relationship! Its like the wooing is gone after you got the catch! That is like like buying a pretty gold ring and finding out that it is fake! SMH!
Yesssssss!
I hear this so often from my female friends but with me it’s the exact opposite. My husband is the communicator and I’m the one who just shuts down. I’ve found myself over and over again pleading with my husband that I would soon change but it wasn’t until recently when I really saw how much it hurts him that I have made strong efforts to communicate with him.
I am learning everyday to choose my battles wisely and that just because something may bother me it doesn’t always need to be expressed. I am truly blessed with a wonderful husband and do not take him for granted but thank God for second chances!
Just wanted share and let you ladies know it’s not always the men who don’t communicate…
Blessings!!!
I sugest that all married couples read a book called
Love and Respect
By Dr. Ermerson Eggerichs
This book really changed my views on how men are made up.. in Christ words. It is based on several scriptures out of the bible and it gives wonderful clarity on how to be communicators that MEN understand. He refers it to the pink and blue glasses and hearing aids. If we say.. “I don’t have anything to wear”.. that means what ladies? We have nothing new to wear. Take that exact same statement and what does it mean for a man? He has nothing clean to wear. SO he speaks on affective communication and give tools on how to get the affection, love, respect, and all the things that we as women crave from our husbands. Now I will say this. I think it’s most important that you get your husband to read this book also. I’ts a very easy read and if he’s just not interested they have DVD’s. I have read this book and my husband has not. We struggle daily with out marriage. Personally this book has been great for me, it has given me so much insite into what I should be receiving from my husband as well as what I should be giving him. The problem is that we are unequally yolked and my husband has so many other issues that this book just can’t address. But for those who feel as though there is some fight still left in the both of you. I totally think this is the way to go!
Yes, it is a wonderful book. I suggest that every woman and every man read it. I still pray for silence. But my problems were a mystery to me until I saw a Facebook post about the book. All the lights came on. Talk about an epiphany. Ran out and bought it the same day. It was amazing. I will be buying it for my daughters so they can get a good start in relationships.
I sugest that all married couples read a book called
Love and Respect
By Dr. Ermerson Eggerichs
This book really changed my views on how men are made up.. in Christ words. It is based on several scriptures out of the bible and it gives wonderful clarity on how to be communicators that MEN understand. He refers it to the pink and blue glasses and hearing aids. If we say.. “I don’t have anything to wear”.. that means what ladies? We have nothing new to wear. Take that exact same statement and what does it mean for a man? He has nothing clean to wear. SO he speaks on affective communication and give tools on how to get the affection, love, respect, and all the things that we as women crave from our husbands. Now I will say this. I think it’s most important that you get your husband to read this book also. I’ts a very easy read and if he’s just not interested they have DVD’s. I have read this book and my husband has not. We struggle daily with out marriage. Personally this book has been great for me, it has given me so much insite into what I should be receiving from my husband as well as what I should be giving him. The problem is that we are unequally yolked and my husband has so many other issues that this book just can’t address. But for those who feel as though there is some fight still left in the both of you. I totally think this is the way to go!
Marriage is hard. We often times don’t think about that when we’re dating and the relationship is new and we’re looking at each other with stars in our eyes. A couple of years in we should have the basics down (honor, respect, etc.) Seven or eight years in do we constantly show that we have one foot and one foot out of the marriage or are we taking our vows seriously and truly committed to making this work? Do we think about this when our spouse says or does something we don’t like or if we feel that they’re not listening to us (do we have a failure to communicate?) Being committed means I might not like you today, but I love you and I’m committed to making this work because we stood before God and took vows and that means something to me. You mean something to me. It’s true we have to really pay attention to the needs of our spouse and not just think about our own all the time. It might mean more hugs, hearing I love and appreciate you more often. It might also mean thinking/saying baby I don’t know what you’re going thru, but I love you and I’m here to help you figure it out. The needs of men and women are certainly different and both should figure out a way to show consideration to one another without making the other fell “less than”. No one has the right to make you feel like that and it’s the most selfish trait in the world. The minute you put this attitude out there you’ve lost the whole point (and you may lose your marriage if you don’t change your thinking). Your marriage is not about you and what you want. Its about the both of you and what you both want and need.
Count your blessings….your husband could be EXTREMELY LONGWINDED like mine.
Bwwaaahhhhaaa too funny!
My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. He is quiet and always has been but only when it comes to me. He converses when he is in the mood to do so, not when I need him to. He gets distracted, seems uninterested, tries to multi-task all when I am talking. I feel it is disrespectful. He says he’s paying attention but shows me otherwise.
I am with @Prpallen…I think Prayer is the key to changing the way you communicate. I am a newlywed, but I can also see communication is key and we need to improve the way we do so with one another. I am currently reading a book called, “The Power of a Praying Wife” and I cannot tell you how much I have already seen an impact on our marriage,. and how it is helping us to start with a strong foundation. Thanks so much for this candid article. It allows newlyweds like us to be proactive about the hard work that marriage requires rather than reactive to what comes our way.
Marriage is hard. what kind of compliments do you ladies look for?? can you guys give me some examples??
Ben…glad u asked! Compliments vary from woman to woman BUT maybe compliment your wife on a good dinner she’s prepared, her outfit, tell her you love her legs in that dress, tell her what a great Mother she is to your children, tell her you appreciate her keeping the house clean, compliment her on her hair or tell her thanks baby for being a good listener etc etc. There are so many opportunities to pay a genuine compliment…but make sure its genuine. The mere fact that you’re inquiring means your heart is in the right place! You cant go wrong! Good luck!
I have been married almost twenty eight years and I dated my husband for 5 years before marrying him. When we first got together, we were inseparable and talked for hours on end when we were apart. After several affairs by him we have grown apart and lost interest in one another. I have left him numerous times but he always convinces me that he loves me and convinces me to come back to him, We have 4 kids together and I didnt want to raise them in a single parent home but now my kids are grown and gone from home.So I really dont have any incentive to stay. I am trapped in a sexless, loveless marriage. He has some dirty little secrets that I wont divulge on here. I worry about hurting my kids and my church family. He is also my pastor. Marriage is very hard right now for us and I dont know how to tell him that I am very unhappy because we basically dont talk!!! I basically have nothing to say to him because of the infidelity and have built up so much resentment towards him. I know that we need a lot of help but he is a person that wont talk to anybody about our business. So where do I go from here? Sick and tired of being sick and tired!!!!
Thanks – needed this today.
Thank you for this article. I also agree that prayer is the answer. I am learning that the prayer starts with you. Ask God to change you, not your husband. I’ve been reading The Power of the Praying Wife. And I find it very useful, yet difficult sometimes. But I’m believing God that he is working on my marriage,because I am praying.
Its a give and take kind of thing. My wife let me know her concerns just like I let her know mine. But we understand that we can’t control when one will have the willingness to work on it. I put my trust in God on the matter and keep it moving. I have learned that my marriage is not all about me and I have to accept more than I can change.
You have told my story today!! My question to all the ladies is… is marriage worth it? We are not married yet but are headed in that direction and before I say I do I’m wondering if it really is that miserable?? Am I setting myself up for a lifetime of disappointment and regret??
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