by Harriet Hairston
I just finished reading “Loving Solutions,” a powerful book by Gary Chapman (author of acclaimed book, “The Five Love Languages”) over the weekend. It was about getting beyond what society thinks are “impossibilities” and “irreconcilable differences” in a marriage.
The thing I loved about this book was his comparison of divorce to homicide and suicide in its damaging scope on family, childrens’ well being and society as a whole. Just think: thousands of people fall victim to murder and suicide, but divorce has affects hundreds of thousands of people each year! Reading his research about the damaging effects divorce has had on individuals over the course of 15 years was definitely a clarion call for married couples to want to stay together forever:
- Most who divorce hope for new love and better circumstances.
- Life is almost always more arduous and complicated than expected [after divorce].
- No evidence was found that time diminishes feelings or memories
- Children of divorce feel like their childhood is lost forever and carry the pain of divorce for a lifetime.
He discussed healthy loving ways to save your marriage from depression, irresponsibility, alcoholism, sexual abuse, infidelity, and a host of other issues that take couples from marital bliss to divorce court.
However, the root of this book was steeped in what he called “Reality Living.” In order to understand what Reality Living is, please allow me to explain what it is NOT.
There were four myths he talked about that many people in marriage fall for just before hitting divorce court:
MYTH #1: My state of mind is determined by my environment.
This mindset renders a person helpless and hopeless in a hostile environment. It often leads to depression. It is accompanied by the thought, “My life is miserable and my only hope is death (me or my spouse) or divorce.”
The environment may influence, but it need not dictate–nor destroy–your marriage and your life.”
MYTH #2: People can’t change.
This is a belief that once people reach adulthood, personality and behavior patterns are set in stone. It leads to feelings of futility and hopelessness. One thing I know about my own marriage is that CHANGE characterizes it! Mr. Incredible has grown leaps and bounds holistically, and I marvel at the man he is developing into.
MYTH #3: When in a bad marriage, there are only two options: live a life of misery or get a divorce.
These are two equally devastating and negative alternatives. This myth tries to get people to believe that we are prisoners of choice and not grown men and women who can make the choice to change their circumstances.
MYTH #4: Some situations are hopeless (…and my situation is one of them).
This myth causes people to be depressed and often leads to suicide if not checked.
Reality Living seeks to combat these myths with solid, tough, ADULT principles. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: marriage is for GROWN FOLKS, and living life based on these myths makes a person more of a ring bearer/flower girl than an adult.
I hate to admit it, but I have found myself stuck in all four myths at some time or another in my marriage (at one point, it was all four simultaneously). It took some serious prayer and soul searching for me to mature and make the choice to do whatever it took on my part to make it work.
I made that choice, and you can, too! This article was designed to help you identify the myth “kool-aid” you may have fallen for. Part 2 will outline six realities to combat these four myths.
BMWK, did you see your mindset within any of these four myths? How did you snap out of it?
God bless!
~ Harriet
LLC says
I love this article and agree wholeheartedly! , I must admit that I have been in many of these stages and I learned that if I didn’t snap out of them, I would end up divorce and lose my great husband! I had to take a step back …really examine what was important to me…and realize that I had it.
Lamar Tyler says
Great post Harriet. Lots of good comments on Facebook about this.
Dianne M Daniels says
Love this post, Harriet – and I love Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages”…I’ve seen many a relationship ruined by #2 – People can’t change.
You have to WANT to change…saying “I’ve always been this way” is just a cop-out. If you are not growing / changing, you’re moving backwards – and who wants that? I heard speaker Mark Gorman say during a presentation “Change! You have 5 minutes…” It’s just THAT easy…know what it is you need to change (that’s sometimes the toughest part) and then make positive forward steps to change it. Baby steps forward are still steps forward…but don’t think you’ll have forever to make the positive changes that you need to make. You may find that your spouse / significant other’s patience runs out before you are able to make significant changes if you don’t put your mind to it and put some effort behind it.
It takes 21 – 28 days to create a new, positive habit – with daily reinforcement, you can change a LOT of things in just one month, one quarter, one half of a year…to borrow the Nike slogan, JUST DO IT!
EPayne says
Fundamental attribution error implies that you blame your surroundings – other people, circumstances, your environment – for why people relate to you the way they do, why life is the way it is for you, etc. One rarely considers turning their eye inward to look at themselves, their actions and what role they might be playing in the “circumstances” of their lives. I’m reading one of Chapman’s books right now and he is great for keeping your focus where it needs to be: on you! And what’s more he provides really great tools for you to fix/address/remedy your circumstances.