by Rene Syler (www.goodenoughmother.com)
I’m going to tear a page right out of the playbook of my life to use as today’s GEM debate and I’ll bet it’s one parents have pretty strong opinions about. My baby girl, Casey (I should stop calling her my “baby girl” seein’ as I’m now looking up at her) made the volleyball team at her high school. As a former high school athlete and someone who thinks team sports are good for kids, this made me very proud.
This whole concept of having to “make the team” was new to Casey; in the 8th grade, everyone who went out, got to suit up. But high school is a whole different animal. During tryouts, I asked Casey about her chances and she told me she thought they were very good. I didn’t ask many more questions and now, I’m glad I didn’t. I would have been much more nervous if I knew then what I do now; 25 girls tried out for just 14 spots on the roster. Casey was right; her chances were good and she got on. Not so for a couple of her good friends.
Later that night at sports orientation, I ran into a couple other moms and the topic of conversation turned to the cuts on the volleyball team. One mother said she thought they should have allowed everyone on the team; after all, it was only fair that way. The other mother was non-committal. You want to know what I said? You already know, don’t you?
NO! No, putting everyone on the team is NOT fair. It’s not fair to ask the kids who are really good and belong there, to carry the weight of those who are not and do not. And it’s not fair to lie to those who aren’t good enough to earn a spot but are there anyway.
Our job as parents is not to protect our kids from disappointment; it’s to give them the tools with which to deal with it. What are they going to do when they apply for that first, big job? What happens if they get to the reception area and there are 30 people there? What if there’s someone better than them and they don’t get the job? That’s life. That’s how it works (most of the time) in the real world and that should not be a less on they are learning for the first time, at age 26.
No, the right way for us as parents to handle this is to teach our kids that they have to do their best ALL THE TIME but that even then, sometimes THEIR best is not THE best. Then we comfort, hug, dry tears and move on. We don’t call the school to berate the coach or beg for another shot. We don’t demand to see how the other athletes stacked up. We don’t offer to buy 11 more jerseys so everyone can be on the team. We teach our kids that this is life.
For Casey, making the team is just the first part of it, now she has to get good enough to EARN playing time. I’ll work hard with her to help bring out her best but if there are girls better than her and the coach chooses to play them, you know what kind of conversation we’re going to have.
Okay so let’s talk about this. What’s your take on “Everybody Gets A Trophy” that seems to permeate group sports nowadays? Do you think that’s a good idea or a bad idea? If you think it’s okay, until what age? And what do you tell your kids when they are good but not good enough to make the team? Lemme hear ya!
After two decades as a television news anchor, including 4 years on CBS’s The Early Show, Syler decided it was time for a change. Tired of reading from a teleprompter, René was determined to find her own voice and inspire women like herself ““ juggling busy lives, raising children and trying to live up to impossible parenting ideals. The result René’s missive on modern motherhood, Good Enough Mother: The Perfectly Imperfect Book of Parenting and its subsequent website www.goodenoughmother.com
in real life it doesnt work that way, so it shouldnt in sports also regardless of the age.
currently my 8 year old daughter is on a losing team for soccer; their record is 0-3; on saturday the coach got mad but then he calmed down; i dont think anyones self esteem was damaged. its all part of life the ups and the downs. its our job as parents to let children know everything wont always work in their favor, but so what, you’ll be better for it; and to always give your best, enjoy yourself and never give up. every kid does not get a trophy.
I agree. I think not making the team is a great motivator for you to work harder to get better for the next year (and to save the embarrassment of not making the team). When you see another team get that championship trophy it makes your team want to be better so you can win it the next year. The everyone is a winner stance is weak.
Growing up, we didn’t have that. It wasn’t until I was almost done with cheer and dance that I noticed “everyone’s a winner”. I thought it was odd even back then. A trophy regardless of if we placed didn’t make me feel good if I was a loser or if I was a winner. Why compete your best if you’re going to get a trophy regardless? Same with trying out for sports. You’ll have to work twice as hard, even if you do get a jersey, just to get some playing time. We shouldn’t condition kids to expect this type of treatment, in sports or in life. It may be seen as tough love, but it’s going to help their transition into the real world, when like you said, they may be competing for a job that someone else is more qualified for.
No ma’am!!! I think the everyone wins mentality is what is wrong with ssome of our
students now!! Feeling entitled when they haven’t worked for anything. Parents should teach them before they get grown that NO ONE is going to hand them anything. They have to put in the work