by Eric Payne
It’s rare that I testify. I usually save spiritual matters for conversations with close friends and family. But I have a testimony that I am compelled to share.
Every morning I wake up, no matter how tired, happy and blessed to be a father. There is no greater responsibility than to be in the position to care for and influence the ways of a couple of little ones. But being a husband doesn’t always feel like a privilege nor does it always merit the same results for me as being Dad does, but God help me, I try my best every day.
Why? Because God helps me.
I realized a few months back that being the best husband and father I can be has little to do with impressing others. Throughout most of last year I learned the hard way that no matter how hard you try, you can’t and shouldn’t seek out the approval of others, not family, not friends, not even your spouse. Besides, if your spouse doesn’t approve of you prior to marriage then you have a major a problem on your hands.
As a rule, your actions shouldn’t be dictated by what is currently going on in your life. Through good times and bad our children need consistency from us. We don’t have the luxury of being bad parents on our bad days. Our children will suffer needlessly. At work we would lose our jobs if we allowed our bad days or moods overtly influence our performance. In this same vein, we shouldn’t act as if we have the luxury to pick and choose what kind of spouse we are going to be based on the type of day we are having or based on our spouse’s behavior — good, bad or otherwise.
Pastors preach from the pulpit that we are to be God’s workmanship, the very best that he intends from us. Of course things will rise up to challenge this on a daily basis. All that’s wrong with the world would prefer that we all join in kumbaya style with the rest of the half-steppers currently making the world go nowhere.
Once this finally gelled for me early in January of this year I made the decision to be the best husband and father I can be for God because He is the one I should be answering to at the beginning of the day, all throughout it and at it’s end. This doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be accountable to my wife and kids. It just means I now choose to be accountable to God first. By doing so I strive daily through my words and actions to be the best man He would have me be. The beneficiaries of my actions, my wife and kids, will only stand to benefit from my best. The real challenge arises when my baby girl is the exact opposite of a princess, or when my son, the teenager, is being sullen and unappreciative, or when my wife simply doesn’t get me for one reason or another.
Serve God First
This “serve God first” mentality has made these challenges somewhat easy and very endurable. I rarely get angry these days and I never stay angry over the things that only months ago left me paralyzed with resentment. I’ve learned that actions motivated by anger only make things worse. I have evolved into a man of action. I do because I am supposed to, not because of the actions of others around me. There hasn’t been a week that passes that I don’t come home with some sort of gift that says “I love and appreciate you,” whether that individual is “deserving” or not. I’m quick to apologize when I’m wrong because in striving to be the husband and father God would have me be, it’s very easy to know when I’m out of line. I wake up now each day excited to accomplish new and great things to glorify God. I can find something good in each day, no matter how small it might be. I speak my mind calmly and fearlessly, because I do so on principle rather than seeking to make a point or be “right.” And maybe most importantly, I’m no longer concerned with approval ratings because I now know, after nearly twenty years of being an adult, who I’m working for. Occurring quite naturally from all of this is the fact that nowadays no one under my roof has any complaints, or at least they shouldn’t. But it doesn’t matter as this is no longer my concern.
By no means have my problems gone away. But I am able to get at my problems with a clear head. I came to this place in my life through constant prayer, frequent consult with the Bible and people who know more than me, and the belief that trial and tribulation could not and would not triumph over me. In short, faith has led me here. I’m only in the early stages of my journey, but I definitely feel I am on the right path.
My goal here is not to impose my beliefs upon you, but merely to share a personal experience from my life that has brought about a breakthrough for me. If reading this has been meaningful to you then I’m glad God brought you here to BMWK. If not, then I hope this was an interesting read.
This is my testimony. Do you have one? If so, please feel free to share in the comments.
Follow Eric on Facebook and Twitter. He has written the articles Investing In An Emotional Letdown and the now infamous, My Wife Is NOT My Friend (on Facebook). He keeps it candid about being a man, dad and husband on his blog, Makes Me Wanna Holler.com. In his “spare time” Eric reviews autos, tech products and writes relationship articles for Atlanta-based J’Adore Magazine.
E. Payne, this is so profound! Thank you for helping others (including myself…even as a woman) overcome through your words.
This is beautiful and tremendously profound! Thank you for sharing! God Bless.
Thank you for sharing…You know this is what we all are suppose to do.. By sharing our successes and failures, we may be able to help and encourage others. I have a testimony as well. Me and my husband of almost two years have been truly going “through a major rough patch” in our marriage to the point of us planning to separate. While planning to separate, I had been in prayer, Godly counsel with my supportive network of friends and family and reading my bible. During this time, I prayed for my marriage but I wasn’t focused on my husband and his short comings but how I could be a better child of God and becoming the best woman, mother, and wife I could be in according to God… I don’t know if it is a matter of getting older (soon to be 41) or what but I am tired…I desire peace within myself and God so much. And from that, I have been more calm and patient but also no longer tolerating confusion, chaos, problems, and drama to rule my life…I choose God!! And because I do, He will help me be the best me I can be…From this perspective, God has bless me and my husband to continue to fight for our marriage and we no longer are seeking separation…I am blessed by your testimony and this web site…Please continue God bless
And I’m blessed by your testimony as well. Thank you for being willing to share.
Thank you for being so candid and authentic with this post. I appreciate you for sharing your heart and applaud you for striving to ascend to higher heights in your relationship with the Lord. If there were a passage to counterpart the Proverbs 31 woman, this would we be it!
Eric your testimony is “The Key.” When I am aligned properly with God everything is in place – and as you stated this doesn’t mean that everything goes right, but that God’s provision gift me what is right to deal with it.
Glad that you were inspired to give that testimony and I encourage everyone, but especially husbands (head of household) to take heed to your word.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
Reggie, as always, we’re “right there”. Thanks for reading and giving the feedback that you do.
Love it!!!!!!!!
In reading your article, I got to some heavy thinking….I used to be a playboy and I never truly invested in my relationships in the past. I stayed angry and resented things that I did not like and resorted to threats of leaving the relationship in order to modify the behavior of my partner rather than explaining my issue and collaborating on a solution that is beneficial to both of us. I met a woman almost three years ago when we were in grad school and we were both adults. She was married and I was in a relationship. We both were very attracted to each other and we were very good friends; neither of us disrespected our respective relationships by flirting or even going out for meals together. However, we both felt a bond right from the start that said ‘he/she is meant for you’.
I am not religious by any stretch of the imagination and I have not set foot in a church in eons. I’ve read the Bible, Qu’ran and am well schooled in the lessons that are encapsulated in those books, but I never truly knew there was a God affecting my life until I professed my affinity to this woman AFTER our relationships came to an end a year and a half later. We had not spoken to each other for over a year, but something made me text her in the middle of the night asking how she was. Ever since then, we have been on the same wave length, teaching each other about our lives and sharing our disappointments and accomplishments…even arguing our past pain out in front of each other (we called it ‘team building’). I never felt such a way about a woman…it is the strangest feeling and in being with her, I decided to research marriage and debunk the myths, stereotypes and negative images associated with this institution, especially among our people. I walked away thinking that I had better move beyond the misconceptions and look deeper into how and why marriage is not something encouraged on a wider scale throughout our diaspora…AND play a role in defining a marriage with someone in our terms, so it works for us.
I am a product of a love-less marriage in my youth and I realize now, after having been with this amazing woman, that I carried the toxic behaviors learned in my home as a child into ALL of my relationships, not just with women. I question myself everyday wondering how and why this wonderful woman was sent to me and I know that marriage is a forgone conclusion to this feeling for her. I never thought I’d be so deep in love with someone and it is not that cheap, cheesy, Hollywood love…it is a feeling of admiration, respect and the will to positively affect someone’s life in order to bring value and make life for them all the more better. I can go on and on about this; if I could explain how much better my life has become because of her, I could sit here and type all night.
In essence, I want to have children with this woman and I’ve never felt that way about any woman in my 30+ years. This article pointed out that as a husband and father, I will have the ability to help raise a productive, healthy, loving individual who can be a part of the next wave of leaders for our people. I fully understand the undertaking and I accept the challenge because I know I will be married to a person who shares my same goals for herself, us and our unborn children. I know now that God has placed us together and put us through our experiences so we can be productive together and bring a new life into our world through pure love. I hope that everyone has the ability to feel the same connection with someone at a point in their life as it is view-altering….it used to be all about me, but now, the focus has shifted to the other two letter word, U-S. Thank you for the article, and I am looking forward to joining you in father-hood someday. Peace.
You’re very, very welcome! And thank you for being so transparent.
Bravo, my man! Bravo! Godspeed in your journey – wherever it takes you. If sites like these are still around when you get to your destination hopefully you’ll be able to share your wisdom with us.
You’re very, very welcome! And thank you for being so transparent.
Bravo, my man! Bravo! Godspeed in your journey – wherever it takes you. If sites like these are still around when you get to your destination hopefully you’ll be able to share your wisdom with us.
You’re very, very welcome! And thank you for being so transparent.
Bravo, my man! Bravo! Godspeed in your journey – wherever it takes you. If sites like these are still around when you get to your destination hopefully you’ll be able to share your wisdom with us.
My journey is similar, i concur that when a man’s focus is on god everything else falls into place. The passion that a man possessess for the things of god allows him to satisfy his family and all that god has place in his path.
GREAT article!
EPayne, Reggie, Lamar: I’m LOVING the male perspective ya’ll bring on this site. 🙂
Thanks, Mochazina!