By Edward C. Lee
A few months ago, while researching an upcoming project of every marriage in the Bible, I wrote about “The Affected Spouse.” The idea was that decisions and actions of one spouse often adversely impact their husband or wife. It was based on the biblical story of David (the David that killed Goliath the giant) and Bathsheba’s adulterous affair and the ultimate price that her husband Uriah paid for her adultery with David.
In short, David had Uriah killed to conceal the adultery and the child conceived as a result of it. And that was the point of the whole story. Uriah was faithful to both his wife and David the king, yet because of their decisions and actions – he was killed.
Recently, another story about an adversely affected spouse came to light. Her name is Patricia Kirtley, the ex-wife of the now famous formerly homeless man Ted Williams in Ohio. Patricia is a partially blind woman that for the last 23 years has raised four daughters and her ex-husband’s son from a previous relationship. For those 23 years her ex-husband got swallowed up in a life of drug and alcohol addiction that eventually led to his homelessness, while she held down raising their kids. It is fair to say, her husband’s decisions and troubles affected her life in a major way.
Her ex-husband, Ted, was recently made world famous by the YouTube video displaying what he calls his “God given” gift – his voice. After a decade on the streets, separated from his family and spending the last two years determined to stay sober, Ted displayed his tremendous “radio” voice for a Columbus, Ohio, news reporter on camera. It is a great story – one day he’s homeless, the next day he had more job offers than one man could handle.
Behind the great story, which is inspiring to us all, Patricia’s story is told as just part of the introduction a side note to the seemingly more inspirational story of Ted. But as I think about Patricia’s story and the millions of “affected” spouses and families living in the shadows of a family members struggles, it provokes a broader range of “pondering.” How do the actions, behaviors, personality quirks and troubles of a husband or wife affect their spouse?
Not just the big things like Ted Williams’ drugs and alcohol. But even the smaller, more intangible aspects of one spouse tend to rub off on their family. If a couple is bickering and snipping at each other at home, how does it impact their work performance and the carrying out of life’s other responsibilities? How does a father’s habit of being late or legacy of broken promises give shape to the life of his children? What is the product of long hours in the office and short time for family time? Family, marriage and relationships are “contact sports” and our interactions rub off on those close to us.
This past week my wife has been out of town and I have taken a week off to take care of my son. In that time with my son I realize he needs more contact with daddy. He needs more of me to rub off on him. As I see how my personal situation lines up with the Ted Williams and Patricia Kirtley story I have become more determined to look more closely this year at how I rub off on my wife and family and how can I address my own weaknesses to make them stronger.
So how about you, BMWK, what parts of you need to rub off on your spouse and children in a positive way?
Edward is an Ordained Minister, Bible College Professor, Pastoral Marriage Counselor, and Author of two first-of-their-kind marriage books, Husbands, Wives, God: Introducing the Marriages of the Bible to Your Marriage and the soon to be released, Husbands, Wives, God – Weekly Devotions: 52 Weeks of Relationship Enriching Devotions. To learn more about Edward and Husbands, Wives, God go to edwardclee.com or follow on Facebook at Husbands, Wives, God.
Reggie Williams says
Ed, relationships and marriage are a “contact sport.” I love that. Great post.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
David Amos says
Interesting… I will take a look at my role and how I’m rubbing off on my family, also my associates.
Keeshab2002 says
My “just do it” attitude. If I start something, I finish it. My children cannot drop in and out of activities, so it makes them think twice before they tell me what they want to “join”(they know they will be stuck for the whole term). I follow things through to completion, and do not procrastinate. I think ahead, and prepare for upcoming situations, conversations, and events. I do the best that I can, always…whether its something minor like cleaning and cooking, or a major project. One day when I put dinner on the table, my daughter said “mommy, this looks so good, like a chef made it!”. I told her that it was my best, that it doesn’t matter WHAT you do or for WHO…do your best!……..I’m SO FAR from perfect, but I am very thoughtful….
EPayne says
I am constantly cognizant of how I am “rubbing off” on those around me. You have to be, especially when it comes to the little things “you” may not deem important. What is little in your mind might be huge in the mind of those closest to you.
EPayne says
I am constantly cognizant of how I am “rubbing off” on those around me. You have to be, especially when it comes to the little things “you” may not deem important. What is little in your mind might be huge in the mind of those closest to you.
Ephrem says
I am quite sure, at least hopeful, that his new found success will rub off on his ex-wife as well as his children.
Anonymous says
@EPayne you are absolutely right about how we deem something important or insignificant. I like to
say that I’m marriage you can be right & still be wrong. Whether I agree or not is irrelevant if it hurts my wife than I need to pay heed to it , even if I am right that it should not be a big deal, if it bothers her it bothers me.
Thanks for the comment
Anonymous says
Unfortunately he has had to check himself into rehab. But idi hope he gets it together.
Sistergirl says
So true! The two become one and instead of going separates way..which is the easy things to do. More and more couples need to stick together and work things through.
sunshine says
I am a fan of Ted. He has been seperated from his family for decades, not just his kids but his mom. New Star Fame can’t be easy. I wish him the best and I do love his voice. Yes, I know he was seperated from his family by his own choice, did any of his family know where is was, try to find him? I do think that Dr. Phil exploited him, for his own ratings/gain.
Dkrchrichardson says
I AGREE WITH THE LAST POST, DR. PHIL DID EXPLOIT HIM FOR HIS OWN RATINGS, I PRAY HE DOES GET THE RIGHT TEAM AROUND HIM SO THAT HE CAN BE LIKE ANYONE ELSE W/NEW FOUND RICHES, IT TAKES TIME & PATIENCE FOR CHANGE, LOOK @ OUR PRESIDENT WHAT HE HAS TO GO THRU JUST BECAUSE OF THE COLOR OF HIS SKIN, STAY STRONG MR. TED WILLIAMS, I BELIEVE AS HE HAS MANY TIMES CONFESSED PUBLICLY, GOD WILL BE DONE IN HIS LIFE ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN & THAT IS MY PRAYER FOR OUR PRESIDENT ALSO. AMEN…