“I want painful and devastating love!” Yup she said it and we all heard it! Thursday night on another exciting episode of Scandal, Kerry Washington, aka Olivia Pope, told her fiancé in wait, as she bowed out of their engagement that she didn’t want their “simple” love she wanted “painful and devastating love!” For those of you who haven’t seen the show you should know that the “painful and devastating” love she is speaking about comes in the form of the hot and steamy love affair that she is having with the President (Fitz) of the United States. Okay I won’t go into too much detail about the show, but I write this article to address a few bigger issues. Let me preface this by saying that in no way am I condemning the show because I actually enjoy the show and I realize it is only television. The issues I want to address are the ones that I see play out in real life every day; I am just choosing the show Scandal to use as a metaphor of sorts so just follow me!
I often hear people say “well if you aren’t fighting then your relationship isn’t real,” or “arguing just comes with the territory,” and the classic “relationships are supposed to be hard.” Don’t get me wrong I understand these concepts, but I am afraid that too many times they are being taken out of context. You see it is my belief that “disagreeing” is normal, but fighting all the time is dysfunctional. Arguing doesn’t “come with the territory,” having a disagreements and compromising to come to a conclusion is what comes with the territory. Relationships aren’t hard, relationships just take effort. I believe it’s important to define these concepts because normalizing dysfunction in relationships manifest itself in people staying in dysfunctional relationships way too long and as a consequence ending up permanently damaged. Relationships aren’t perfect, but we must begin to understand when they are not healthy. Love shouldn’t be breaking you down it should be building you up. Love shouldn’t be chaotic it should be your place of peace. Pain shouldn’t be the EXPECTATION, pain should be the EXCEPTION.
The second thing I would like to address is this glorification of having exciting affairs. NEWS FLASH…the sheer fact that it is an affair spells exciting. The fact that it’s new and fresh and “forbidden” makes it appealing. The issue I see though is that many people tend to want to compare the idea of an affair to their actual marriage. Olivia said she didn’t want “simple” love and that’s understandable, but does that mean you can only get exciting love out of an affair? Only out of something reckless? Does that mean you can’t have excitement within your marriage or relationship with the person you care about the most? When did marriage and boredom become synonymous? My point is that you can’t compare extracurricular activity to what goes on within your relationship because committing to someone comes with a higher level of responsibility and also more normalcy. Do you think that if Olivia Pope ended up actually being married to the President (Fitz) that after a few years of living with him daily and dealing with him and his issues that things would be nearly as “intense” or “exciting?” The point is put the effort into making your own relationship exciting instead of comparing and searching for the excitement in the affair!
Finally let’s talk about how the episode ended. The episode ended with Fitz telling Olivia (the mistress) that he was ending the affair and going back to his wife. Surprise, surprise!! More times than not these situations play out the same in real like. The cheater almost always stays with their spouse, and the mistress. Or the mister, for lack of a better term, ends up heartbroken and wondering “WHY!?” Well I can tell you why…it’s because once the excitement wears off then we all want to go back to our comfortable place. The place where we are genuinely loved and where our heart truly lies is usually where we revert back to. It’s easy to take someone’s flesh and body, but taking their heart from the person they’ve committed to in life and in love is no easy feat.
So, you ask, what is my point? My point is very simple: we need to change the expectation when it comes to what healthy relationships should look like. Dysfunction is not normal and shouldn’t just “come with the territory.” Secondly please understand that marriage doesn’t have to be synonymous with simplicity or boredom. Marriage can still be exciting and healthy at the same time, but searching for excitement in affairs will usually lead you down a road of destruction and heartache. If you want to know how the story usually ends just ask Olivia Pope, or the hundreds of thousands real life versions.
BMWK — Get involved in the conversation. What are your thoughts about dysfunctional relationships and affairs?
art brown says
time and time again we hear and often talk about the man cheating on his wife, well, what about the wife cheating on her husband? do people think it’s no less of a matter? well speaking from experience, it is just as devastating, if not more (especially if the man is LOYAL, COMMITTED, and is in head-over-heels in LOVE with his wife) we no longer see our wives as “pure/exclusive/innocent” and somehow, we must do what wives have been doing all this time, “how the hell can I still love on this person, after she broke my heart?” It takes more than forgiveness….
Brandy says
Art I appreciate your honesty – often when we discuss infidelity we speak on the man – you have no idea how much your response has been a blessing to me. Thank you for sharing your experience.
art brown says
Thank You, Brandy, people need to know, cheating is NOT gender specific as the media portrays, and often men are left to suffer in silence, and believe it or not, the devastation, IMO, damages men, often permanently, especially when men give their hearts, unconditionally…
A says
Scandal is not just “television” Shows like that and books like 50 shades of grey are destroying lives and their audience doesnt even have a clue. Then people wonder why they act out,not recognozing the root of it. Its GIGO, garbage in, garbage out, its only a matter of time. We are all influenced by everything around us. The devil has the world so blinded and deceived. Guard your heart, guard your eyes, guard your ears.
stephanieb says
Amen!! I couldn’t have said it better myself. And the episode last night could almost be considered soft porn, particularly the beginning scenes. People don’t even know what garbage they are filling their minds with, and some probably know, but don’t care.
Gizzle says
Thanks for this. Although I like the show, Olivia Pope is nuts for that “I want devastating and painful love!” comment. And so she got it!
Dirk says
Art, I feel your pain. I’m in a very dysfunctional marriage myself and I’m in love with my wife. It’s sad because we both have done alot of damage to our marriage and at some point you have to put your situation in GOD’s hands because if you understand you can do everything like being loyal and committed it won’t change anything until she realizes her role in this. It does take more than forgiveness, it takes a man that knows his purpose and understands no one is perfect, yet he is capable of forgiving just as Jesus did for us. Love can be renewed and restored to even a higher level if the equation is GOD + Husband + Wife. Anything else added only equals more heartache…
art brown says
Well, I did forgive her, (on the spot) and not only that, (this may sound weird) but I fell back in love with her, because I knew that this was not her, and she needed me to love her again, and by the Grace of GOD, she came back around, because I showed her what the LORD has been showing us, all along, GRACE/MERCY/ & FORGIVENESS, but, not everyone, I’m afraid, can receive this for true reconciliation, and restoration….
Dirk says
Art, I’m happy for you! Your wisdom is a reflection of what a great marriage should be… You can be an inspiration and an example for other couples.
stephanieb says
Glad things worked out for you and your wife Art. It just shows that when we do things God’s way, things work out in the end for our good.
Yana says
I loves me some Scandal dag it!! But, yeah that comment Liv made was completely cookoo, and out of character too IMO. I actually root for Fitzgerald and Mellie, as I do for all husband and wife teams. Their marriage is complicated as are most. An outsider who comes in and tries to infiltrate a marriage is a fool to me. Most marriages have to many layers for an outsider to even think of getting involved with. He’s mad she’s mad, at the end of the day it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other….
Superwife says
Stupid is as stupid does. People lie to themselves about what it means to love passionately. This is why people chase drama. Truth is – you can have hot, steamy love and passion with your OWN spouse. Too bad too many don’t actually make the effort to do this. And remember, SCANDAL is just t.v.
Dirk says
You sound like my wife lol! I agree with your truth, but keep in mind it takes two people!
Troy Spry says
Troy Spry Thank you to all of you for reading my article and for your various opinions and comments. My goal was to speak on some even bigger issues that are far beyond just the plot in the show. The issues I addressed are ones that I see play out in real life everyday through the clients I coach and thus I hope that by putting them in perspective someone will be be able to change their mindset before anything bad happens. Thanks for the support and please “like” my facebook page at http://www.thefacebook.com/xklusivethoughts.
Troy Spry says
Art I hate that you had to go through that tough time in your relationship and I am so happy that you and your wife were able to overcome it. I do realize that women commit infidelity as well, thus my intent was not to devalue that fact, rather just to use the situation in the TV show to address a few other issues.
Nita says
So many people are drawn to the show scandal because of the occurrences and I must admit, it pulled me in. I, however, stopped watching the show because of the emotional roller coaster it projected and, due to similar experiences. My husband and I are in a wonderful place spiritually, mentally, physically and emotionally and I will not allow anything or anyone to knock us off course. If that means disconnecting from people, place or things, then that is what I will do. Hearing Olivia make that comment about a painful, devastating kinda love blew my mind yet, I know all too well about that crazy thinking. I praise God for my marriage, His love and my husbands unconditional love and will never do anything to jeopardize it. Scandals won’t be in my house! This was a great article.