The one thing that people often overlook, when they are trying to improve communication with their spouse, is some critical but necessary self-reflection. You see, when you are lacking in communication skills with your spouse, often times, its because the communication patterns, that were useful at one point in your life, are now outdated and just don’t flow well in your everyday life.

So, it’s important for you to explore your own history of communication patterns that you were exposed to as a child, and then reflect on how those same patterns are either helping or hurting your marriage today.

The communication patterns, that were useful at one point in your life, are now outdated and just don’t flow well in your everyday life.

For example, I want you to think back to when you were a child.   Just take a moment to recall how your parents, caregivers, and people in authority spoke to you. This may bring up several emotions from uncomfortable, angry, embarrassed, even sadness or empowered.

No matter what comes up for you, it is important that you pay attention to those feelings, and take a deeper look in how you communicate with your spouse as well as your children, friends, co-workers, and other people who you communicate with on a daily basis.

Now, hopefully, you’ve taken a minute to reflect on this and you may start to see that the way you were spoken to as a child or a teenager has had a major impact on the way you talk your spouse today.

For instance, if you felt you were dismissed, unheard or had no value to the conversations at your home, you may either become overly passive in your conversations, by not speaking up.  Or, you may be overly aggressive, and always trying to be right or prove your point.

However, no matter what your communication style is, it has benefited you on some level. But when it comes to improving communication with your spouse, you may have to let go of some of that old baggage, and create and implement new communication patterns that aren’t based on parental caregiver dynamics. 

Start With Yourself.

This week, I want you to focus on how you speak to people in several areas of your life, your motives for bringing up a conversation, and how your state of mind has impacted your conversations in the past. This exercise will help you become more aware of your speaking patterns with your spouse compared to everyone else in your life, and to also reflect on some of the hidden motives behind your conversations with your spouse.

Another thing that you can do is to record a conversation between you and your spouse and play it back. What could you improve or do to help the conversation go more smoothly? What words or triggers did you react to and how did you react physically or emotionally?  How would you like to handle your conversations differently in the future?

The above exercises should help you become more aware of your speaking patterns with your spouse and to help you to make adjustments where needed. Remember, you are only truly able to recognize what you do when you examine yourself. So if you want to improve the communication in your marriage, a great place to start is with yourself.

BMWK – Has that way that you were spoken to as a child had an impact on how you speak to your spouse and and your children today?  How so?

Emma J. Wallace is a licensed therapist and certified life coach that specializes in inner personal communication and mindset growth. She is trained in clinical hypnosis and neural linguistic programming, which is the study of powerful communication techniques to help you increase your goals and effectively influence others. And she’s also a certified relationship coach.  And over the past seven years, she’s worked one-on-one with hundreds of couples, the military, and have even trained small businesses on improving their communication patterns, so they can decrease frustration at home and in the workplace, improve emotional intelligence, and take their inner personal relationships to the next level. You can reach Emma via her website: https://askemmaj.com/