by Ronnie Tyler
Ants can carry 50 times their body weight. I was reminded of this on Friday night, during my church’s monthly Marriage Made Easy service. My pastor was explaining to the wives how important it is that they acknowledge their husbands…. tell them that they are doing a great job…..thank them for taking care of the family….provide them with that much needed affirmation. A man needs to be appreciated and there’s no greater feeling than when the praise comes from his wife.
During our marriage services, couples can go to the mics and ask questions and provide input. A man and his wife came to the mic on Friday. The husband was 6’5” and the wife was 5’2”, she was able to stand directly in front of him while he leaned over to speak into the mic. He stood up to share with us that what our pastor said was soo true. He said that there was no way that his wife could physically overcome him (due to his size as he was not only tall..but he was a very big guy…). However, when his wife acknowledged him and when she encouraged him…he said her words lifted him to new heights… far beyond her physical capabilities….. (like the little ant.) That testimony was so powerful….he really demonstrated that there is strength in our words and that as wives we have the power to uplift our men. (I also believe that through our words, we can tear our men down…but that’s another post.)
Our pastor said he could see the expressions on some of our faces that said: “shoot I am not acknowledging him for something he should be doing anyway!” However, we need to uplift our husbands even when they are not fulfilling everything that they should do…and you will see that you will get far more from them in return. If you don’t like the ant analogy, then how about this: you can catch more bees with honey . ( I guess this spring weather has be thinking about the birds and the bees 🙂 )
Our pastor gave us a homework assignment. He said when you get into the car, ask your husband if he feels appreciated enough…if you are acknowledging him enough? Lamar looked over at me and smiled as if he could not wait to get into the car. But I already knew the answer… I knew I needed to do more. In the car, Lamar told me that he could definitely see that I was making an effort to appreciate him and he told me how much that it meant to him. He could see a big difference from when we first got married (when I probably had the attitude where I am not acknowledging you for something that you should be doing anyway….shooooot I work too) to now (when I understand that my husband likes to be acknowledged and that it makes him want to work harder for our marriage and for our family.)
BMWK Family – I’d like to hear from you. Wives do you acknowledge your husbands enough?
Fred says
Kim and I wrote about this subject on our blog. Men need to feel encouraged and respected by their wives. When Kim does this for me, I feel as if I can conquer the world.
.-= Fred´s last blog ..Respect is a Key Ingredient in Marriage =-.
PYT says
I completely agree with this article. I have only been married for about six months, but I have already learned the value of building my husband up with encouragement and compliments. When I tell him how handsome he is or how proud I am of him, he walks with a pep in his step, smiles more, and speaks more forcefully to everyone, and I appreciate this enhanced confidence in him.
I also learned something else that makes him feel special. I used to go shopping some weekends, and come back with items for myself, but nothing for my husband. (Don’t judge me.) I thought that if he wanted something, he would tell me or he would go to the mall himself. After some wise words from my mother, I have decided to bring a special token back for him each time I go shopping for me, such as a dress shirt for work, DVD, comic book, or new pair of jeans. I can tell that this means a lot to him because he is very grateful for the presents, and is even kinder and more loving with me.
Anonymous says
WOW! I Like that you cared enough make a change! Keep working in your marriage.
Ronnie says
Thanks for sharing Fred…I read your post and Kim and you are so right… Men need to be respected and encouraged.
During our marriage service, there were several men that came to testify that their wife’s encouragement meant a great deal to them. One man even said, that it made him feel ashamed when he was falling short in certain areas…it made him want to do better!!!
.-= Ronnie´s last blog ..There Is Strength In Words =-.
Ronnie says
@PYT – I was just like you …I used to shop for my kids and for me…but I thought he wanted to pick out his own things. But you are right…he likes when I bring him things back too.
.-= Ronnie´s last blog ..There Is Strength In Words =-.
Tiya says
Thank you Ronnie for this article, because I know I could always be doing so much more. As we get busy with raising children, keeping the household in order and working too, we tend to forget about what’s important. And my husband holds us down everyday, to where we really don’t have a care in the world and I will make sure I tell him that tonight! Thanks Ronnie!
Chandra Davis says
Thank you for reminding me to TELL my husband how much I appreciate him. Sometimes I forget how important it is to let him HEAR the words. I usually try to show him. I have been a SAHM for a year and a half because of our daughters’ health issues. He is the only one working and financially supporting us. I make sure he has a filling snack after work before going to football/off season practice, dinner, clean house, and even help with homework when he’s tired. But none of these actions replace saying I love you, I support you, I encourage you. As of this day, I will, I must do better!
Avery says
I know this may be an unpopular opinion, but here it is anyway. As a man, I feel enbarrassed when my girlfriend heaps unnecessary praise upon me. I may still be in the phase of “I’m supposed to do it anyway, why should I be praised?”. I guess I can classify it as a bit patrionizing. For instance, if I take her SUV to the car wash and get it detailed, she would tell me how much she appreciated it and how nice the car smells. To me, all I did was give the guys at the car wash a few buck and sat in the lobby watching SportsCenter. I didn’t actually do anything noteworthy. Actually, it allowed me to get out of the house.
I understand the point of the piece and it is well received, but I think there should be a balance. I think both the wife and the husband should be more mindful of the actions of the other, but not bestow holiness upon every action.
Staycee2 says
Ronnie, Ronnie, Ronnie I just luv this post!!!!!!!!! My mother was a single mom and I never knew how important it was to build up your man. But since being married for 4 years, I have learned a great deal about how to show appreciation for your husband. My sister in-law (my husband’s sister) told me a long time ago that my husband likes to feel appreciated. Well I had being doing it all the time, but I make it even more of a habit to tell him, how much I appreicate how hard he works and how happy I am that married such an ambitous man! I remind him of how happy it makes me feel to see our son ride his bike with such enjoyment in ever peddle n how we don’t have to dodge a bullet to enjoy our neighborhood. I too have been guilty of only shopping for the kids n not thinking twice about picking him something up from the store. But I did this past weekend n he lit up like a xmas tree and said you thought about me while shopping and I said I couldn’t shop if it wasn’t for you! IJUSLUVMESUMHIM and he knows it!
Harriet says
When I got married, I had two mantras that I stated almost daily:
1) You ain’t my daddy!!!
2) What? You want a cookie for what you’re SUPPOSED to be doing?
Umm…yeah. That didn’t go over too well with my husband. I had to realize exactly what your pastor was talking about, Ronnie. I had to learn how to appreciate those consistencies, because truthfully, he could be the type of man that didn’t do them! Then I would REALLY be upset! LOL
I’ve written about being my husband’s biggest fan, and I think if a spouse is in their marriage to win it, it’s important to cheer them on and be sincere about it. No one likes to be taken for granted, and these little words invested create huge dividends and assets for the future.
GREAT article, Ronnie!!!!!
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Take Off The Mask! =-.
Erica says
My husband and I have been married for one week today. It might be because we’re in the newlywed phase, but he says that I do this for him consistently. Great article! I’ll save it for when the rose-colored glasses fall off. LOL!
.-= Erica´s last blog ..Been a LONG time coming: How I became Mrs. Day, Part 3 =-.
Ronnie says
Thanks for your feed back Avery. You are right we should not patronize our husbands and treat them like kids. But I am talking about true appreciation, encouragement and respect for taking on all that they do.
But I also think that communication is key here. Husbands should tell wives if they need more feedback or whatever their needs are….perhaps yours will be different when you are married. My husband told me what he needed and I appreciate him for that because it allowed me to make changes that are making our marriage stronger.
Regarding your comment on balance, I think Fred said it best in his post about respect in marriage today:
” Of course husbands must show their wives the same level of respect. I work hard to ensure that I never humiliate, degrade, or insult my wife. I must build her up in order for her to build me up.
And when she builds me up, I feel as if I can conquer the world.”
See Fred’s comments above for a link to his post.
@Chandra – you are right…i get so busy trying to show my appreciation that I sometimes forget to actually tell him.
@Staycee – I grew up around married couples that did not show a level of respect and appreciation for each other…so like you I never knew how important it was to build up a man. I am learning this now that I am married.
@Harriet – don’t laugh…but when we first got married…I used to say “You ain’t the boss of me” all the time. Lamar is going to laugh when he reads that.
@Congrats Erica!!
I better get back to work 🙂
Jonesie says
I totally agree with your pastor and this article. While women need to feel the affection and support men need to hear it. I try to constantly affirm my husband that I know I made the right choice for a husband for me and a father for our son. He especially lights up when it comes out of no where :-), and a jerk chicken dinner to boot lol. We’re young in this thing (he’s 25 and I just turned 25 also), so we still have some bumps to get over but we’re getting there. Thanks for the article.
~Jonesie
Ruby Griffin says
When i read this article,i couldn’t do nothing but laugh,i’m soooo related to that,I wrote a chapter about that in my book…I call it” MY 50% Bonus”,when i notice i was giving my husband some extra dose of attention,I start receive reward…a night out on the town,some suprise gift, he focus more on my feeling and needs,a stronge women that stand by her men,and believe in him,trust him,uplift him,appreciate him and love him,that soooo powerful,you showing him that you honor you’ll vows,that you’re his wife,and that you are the backbone,of the gathering of you’ll family…
Mrs. W says
im struggling with this. as avery said, why sing a song for somethng you’re supposed to do anyway? for instance, my husband insisted we have more kids so my daughter wasnt an only child. reality set in and he needed another job because he insisted i NOT work. sooooo, you got what you asked for. im not going to jump up and down for that. i was cool with 1 kid. i was cool with working. i will look at fred’s article, but off top, reciprocity is key for me. not trying to be mean, but i know for a fact that my husband could never do what i do. NEVER! i stay at home with 3 kids, teach them everything they know, and take care of the house, cook, clean & laundry, shop & dress everyone, stay on top of everyone’s health (including his) and at the end of the day,EVERYONE likes to be acknowleged. simply put, i dont subscribe to that “man” crap. “oh, men need to FEEL appreciated, etc….” who says women don’t? thats half the problem now, imo. women have been strapping so much on their backs for generations, raising the children alone, working like dogs, doing it all…with no thanks. and they’ve done it because its their DUTY. so at the end of the day. i give credit where credit is due, but i could care less about a “feeling.”
Lamar says
@Mrs. W- I would never feel proud stating that I could care less about a “feeling” when it comes to my marriage. That one statement says a lot whether you realize it or not. I encourage you to check out a movie called Fireproof, it just may touch you.
Harriet says
@ mrs. w.
you sound so overwhelmed. wow…i can definitely relate to your comments. i’ve been there, done that (except i don’t have three kids…girl, i salute you).
i just watched a video from B Intentional.com. they were talking about how if you want to get a certain behavior from your spouse, you’ve got to model it. the one with the insight and revelation has to use it to benefit both in the relationship.
in my mere five years of being married, i’ve learned that the law of reciprocity is NO JOKE, and in a vicious cycle like the one you described, SOMEONE has to take the moral high ground to put an end to the negativity and create an environment of peace, love and affirmation. there have been seasons where i was that person. there have been seasons where my husband was. but the bottom line is that we’ve learned that feeding into negativity is so detrimental to our marriage and the well being of our children.
so yes, i feel you. i pray for your encouragement. i know disenchantment can set into our psyche as women, but change comes through that if we allow it to. be blessed!
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Take Off The Mask! =-.
Serena says
I agree with what you pastor said. I have been married for over 1o years and at first it was easy to tell him what he wasn’t do was right. But as you said you can catch more bees with honey, which is so true. I found when I noticed and responded to the great things he did, he did even more. Now after years of encouraging each other we found that our marrieage is stronger and that we are a team. Don’t get me wrong we do tell each other when we are doing wrong, but the good out weighs the bad.
Keep noticing the good things, it helps get through the hard times.
Mrs. W says
@ lamar, thanx for the assumption that i havent seen that movie…i actually have 😉
but let me clarify my statement, “feelings” do not always reflect fact or reality. do you realize how many “feelings” people can hide behind or use to get what THEY want, regardless of how it affects others? what if i “feel” like i need to shop every day to make me “feel” better about myself? or what if he “feels” like i should call him “Mista” a la the color purple as a sign of respect, but its demeaning to me? should i just do it to support that “feeling”? im glad youre more in tune to feelings & could size me up from a web comment, but do not assume that because i said that, that i mean i dont care about my marriage as a whole. so heres a suggestion for you…”quiet times for couples” norm wright. theres a lesson that speaks about how futile our thoughts are and how up and down emotions run so we shouldn’t live according to them because they change all the time. how i “feel” today isn’t necessarily how i’ll “feel” tomorrow or i could “feel” a way that may not even be healthy or productive…so i will not base decisions off of such. but 2 snaps for you, you would never say what i said, i guess thats why im me
Mrs. W says
@ harriet, thanx for the encouragement and not being a know-it-all. everyones journey is different so any inspiration is helpful 😉 overwhelmed? thats an understatement, lol…ive got a 3 year old and 11 month old twins so yeah, its “interesting” to say the least up in here-ha ha ha!
Lamar says
And after all of those snaps, and cracks, pops and locks LOL and whatever else I still care about how my wife “feels” whether that changes from day to day or not and I think everyone should. I guess that’s why I’m me too know-it-all and everything. Some of yall crack me up.
And since you’ve seen the movie how did you feel about the husband doing those things even though he felt the way he did about his wife and that he wasn’t receiving fair treatment in return?
Yeah thank you Harriet, you know what I always tell you.
Mrs. W says
well, you are not an authority in my marriage so i dont have to answer to you. and yes, i snapped and popped because of your unnecessary “popping” in response to my first comment. nonetheless, im glad you’re being cracked up. if youd come down off of your husband high horse, maybe you could be inspiring instead of a smart mouth. my first statement was that i was struggling with this. but you chose to judge, assume and condemn after i admitted something difficult-THANX! whatever little inside thing you say to harriet, well, perhaps you should take note from her. her response was a stark contrast to yours and when someone is admitting difficulty with something, comments like yours are tacky and classless. i responded to the article, but you honed in on me…so let the duel begin bro!
also, you do not know what goes on in my life and i did NOT say i didnt do the things previously discussed. again, high horse removed…maybe you would have been able to see that i said i do not do them because of feelings. what i do, i do because it is right, not because of how someone feels so…I AM THAT HUSBAND in fireproof, hence the struggle. i will not go any further in explaining myself or what i do to you of all ppl because you are rude. typical…now i remember why i stopped coming to this site…know it all, sarcastic & uppity negroes like you. and yeah, i’m being rude back so…good day! red “x”, here i come!
Harriet says
Whoa, whoa, wait!
*Putting up the time out sign*
@ mrs. w.
woo-sah, sis! it’s ok, i promise! this exchange really speaks to the fact that we cannot hear one another’s tone of voice and observe the other non-verbal signals that don’t come with commentary on a website.
yes, i honed in on the fact that your first statement was that you struggle with this. we’re both women, wives and mothers, and although our journeys may be different, in many respects, what makes us “tick” (or gets us angry) is similar. i can feel that, and i learned a lot of hard lessons as a result of it. so that’s the place my comments came from. that’s also the place a lot of my own articles for this website have come from, and i’m very transparent about it. that’s the inside “scoop” between lamar and i.
i’m not going to speak for lamar and what i think he meant, because he’s not my child or my husband. but i will say i know his character, and although he is no nonsense, he is also full of compassion for marriages. hence the documentaries he and his wife (the author of this particular article), and even this website (which he and ronnie created) full of great tools to equip husbands and wives of every hue.
we’re all trying to get to the same goal, which is making our marriages thrive and prosper. we just have different ways of expressing it.
*the peacemaker is dropping the mic now* LOL
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Take Off The Mask! =-.
Harriet says
i meant, *hence the documentaries he and his wife (the author of this particular article) produced…
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Take Off The Mask! =-.
Lamar says
You made a strong comment and expected for people to A) not respond or B) co-sign. I responded with what I felt, that you should care about how your spouse feels. That’s why we call this the comment section. What was rude and classless was all the neck rolling and 2-snapping in your response but it’s cool it comes with the territory of running a blog. I didn’t say anything about your marriage in particular because I don’t know you and will never meet you.You could have the best marriage in the world, your husband could feel more than appreciated or you could be making everything above up, it’s the web and you never know but regardless we wish the best for you as we do all marriages.
Now that you remembered why you stopped coming here I guess you won’t get a chance to read this but I wanted to float it out here just in case. And I do take note from Harriet, she’s great that’s why we made her a part of the site because her insight on faith, marriage and parenting is much needed here. (Kudos to you Harriet again, you know we appreciate you)
-Uppity Negro signing off. Over and Out
Jonesi says
I agree with this post, but just from my very brief experience as a wife, I hate advice regarding what I deem “babyfying a man”. Not that this necessarily fits that mode entirely because we all need and deserve encouragement and positive affirmations…BUT, I seriously never realized how much emphasis is placed on stroking a man’s ego – and maybe I have this mindset because I come from a family of single women (and yes, I do realize they were all probably single for a reason). But I was listening to a podcast last nite concerning men and their responsibility to be keepers, maintainers, tone-setters, do-ers (etc.) and I just wonder if this a “modern” ideal that men use their partner’s (perceived) lack of positive persuasion as an excuse not to be omnipresent physically, emotionally and mentially. *shrugging shoulders* Just a thought rooted in personal frustration but I don’t remember my grandmother showering my grandfather with flowery words but he was an exceptional man that took care of business because he had to and made all of us feel amazing in the process. It was like he strived to be the mirror of love consistently – not just when someone made him feel good or reminded him that he was a good man. If things got rocky, he took it upon himself to fix it. And those were the lessons I took away from his as a child of what a man was. I’m sure they had their issues behind closed doors but they were solid. I don’t think I will ever get it, nor be able to adapt to feeling that I have to utilize reverse psychology to get what I deserve…but who knows, I have so much life left to live and lessons to learn. I’m just not interested in manipulating and strategically building up a man who is essentially supposed to be keeping everything together in the first place – no doubt I am here to support and help maintain (the any and everythings of life), but it just seems odd for a women to the primary establisher of peace, prosperity and all things productive in a marriage. These are just my thoughts based on convos I’ve been having with friends going though things and my journey to rediscover myself as a wife. But I reiterate, I do however see the benefits of the wisdom shared in this post….but I don’t want the success, confidence and productivity of my spouse nor the harmony within my home to soley depend of my daily praise reports.
Jonesi says
And wow, maybe it’s because I feel that I know Lamar that this lashing seems so uncalled for and way off base. But whatever, just one of the plights of computer-mediated communication. 🙁
Gisselle says
I agree with the article however I would love to acknowledge my husband….I would LOVE to tell him that he is doing a great job…..thank him for taking care of the family….provide him with that much needed affirmation. The only problem is he is NOT. I love my husband and I would be the first to tell any woman when you have a good man acknowledge him and thank him for all he is doing. However my husband has been dealing with an angry ex who has him in child support court for the last TWO YEARS, in the beginning I paid the legal fees and carried every single bill in the house on my own. I continued to do so even after being laid-off. However I am tired and finanically drained. I am the one that is carrying this family and taking care of everything on my own and while I have been trying my best to be supportive it is hard. I cry at night because the bills have become overwhelming for me. We live in an upper middle class community with a mortgage, two children in private school, two cars and my student loans from graduate school not including the credit card debt we incurred going through my lay-off and his on-going legal battle. This isnt my fault I worked hard for everything I have and I didnt get married to have to find myself struggling. It is hard to thank someone who isnt doing anything.
Ronnie says
I have been looking at the responses to this topic on this site, on our Essence blog and on the facebook fan page and I am not really shocked by the number of women that are saying things like: “this post is so one sided …what about me…i do work too…i am not going to build you up for something that you are supposed to do anyway”.
But why not? I see posts and articles all of the time that talk about how men should appreciate their wives more or how women should be appreciated for all that they do..and I see women complaining about all of the work that they do all of the time on the internet. But what if men came out of the wood works saying… “it’s what you are supposed to do…do you want a cookie.” Those men would immediately get a tongue lashing.
If I wrote a post today, stating that I feel overwhelmed and under-appreciated and if I said that all I needed from my husband was a little appreciation to know that all my work is not being taken for granted. I would get a whole bunch of people saying …gurrrrrrrrl… i feel ya… i am in the same boat ….i just want to know that I am not laboring in vein…and yada yada yada…””
I know as a woman, I want to be appreciated for all that I do. But this post was not about me..it was about remembering to appreciate our men and about how this can strengthen our relationships…and we actually have a problem with that…I am like wow!!!
You mean to tell you have a good man (not a perfect man) that is holding it down, going to work, taking care of the family and the best you can come up with is…you are supposed to be doing that anyway. Where is the appreciation…where is the respect? And what if your husband is not perfect ..what if he needs a lot of work… you are not willing to do what it takes to build this man up?
I like what Harriet says above…because I truly believe the change in your relationships will start with you!! Meaning if you want more respect..then start giving respect…if you want more love..then start being loving. If you want a happy marriage, then YOU do something to make it happy.
So many men stood up during our service and said my wife’s respect and encouragement makes me feel like I can do anything…makes me feel like stepping up even more. Real life testimonies from men that say yes this means something to me. I think we need to put our pride aside and start listening.
Thes are just some thoughts that I had ..that are not pointed to anyone in particular.
@Jonesi – I will say that my grandparents were together until they died…and my grandfather held it down too…..and they had 10 kids…and I never saw my grandmother shower my grandfather with any positive words..and I never saw them be affectionate to each other or hug or kiss. It was just like that’s grandma and grandpa..here they come… But that is one part of their marriage that I don’t want to copy. I want it all… i want my kids and my grandkids to see us hugging and kissing and being friends and appreciating each other…and working hard… I can’t imagine being married for 60+ years and not having a person say how much they appreciate me and love me etc. I know that there are couples out there like that..but no thanks.
Ronnie says
@Gisselle – I was typing my response and did not see your response. But I after reading, it …I bet it probably is difficult to build someone up when you are going through the bad times. But that might be the time where they need you the most.
When you get a chance..check out the responses to this article on the facebook fan page…there are so many different opinions on this topic there: https://www.facebook.com/home.php?sk=lf#!/happilyeverafterthemovie?ref=ts
I really liked this comment:
I’ve read each and every response and all I can say is “WOW!” I can relate to the women who don’t feel appreciated and are asking “What about me?” For instance just last night I made my husband’s lunch for work, before I even ate dinner. He left it. Didn’t even acknowledge it. It hurted. But guess what, I’m gonna make it tomorrow as well. Why? My calling is to God, my assignment is my husband. ANd yes at times I feel he can do a lil more, say a lil more, and yeah he knows that should be done w/out me askin or praisin him but at the same time I want to be pleasin to God who assigned this man in my life. I truly believe and feel if I’m pleasin to him, he’ll in return make sure I am pleased. My husband was without work for over 9 mths. And it was hard yall. Hard to pay the bills and still encourage him. Hard to work all day yet still find time to play (with him, of course). Lets not even mention my kids (newborn at the time and 10; YIKES!!!) And yet even though at times I felt like I was being taken for granted its the lil things he does that makes me know its all worthwhile. SO to my sista’s who feel like what about me “Find the lil things that makes it worthwhile” and to my sista’s that got the article from the jump, Keep encouraging and when it gets hard trust & believe God’s Got Your Back!!!
Gisselle says
Thank you Ronnie I will check out the Facebook page. The comment you posted brought tears to my eyes because it can be so very hard especially when you want it to work because this is the person you want to grow old with but I feel like I will die before I get old of the stress and aggrevation it can be so hard but thank you for the comments and the great articles. This is a create site! I guess I too am an “uppity negro” (lol). Again, thank you 🙂
Jonesi says
@Ronnie – let me be clear that I don’t disagree with anything that you’ve stated. And I am one of the fortunate women to have a wonderful husband. To be honest, as much as I vent to Harriet, each day I realize how insignificant and trivial my issues are in the grand scheme of life. BUT, I was speaking from basic relational obervation of my own relationships with men (as partners, friends and relatives) and things going on in the lives women that I love…and this was all sparked from a conversation that I had Sunday with a 94yr old woman about life and marriage. She didn’t talk long but the few things she did share will stick with me forever:
In a nutshell it started because she asked me how was married life. I simply replied, “It’s fine. I can see why people say it takes work, but I didn’t have much of an expectation going in so I’m just learning as I go”. Then she asked, “Does he run the streets?” I said nope he works fulltime and is in school so there isn’t much time, but regardless there isn’t much he chooses to do, especially without me. Then she said in (in summary): That’s great. You don’t want a man that runs the street. Nothing good comes from that. I had a great marriage. We had struggles like anyone else, but there wasn’t a day he didn’t go out of his way to show his love for me no matter what I did. He was good to me and spoiled me, but at the end of the day we had love.
I felt that was profound because (while I did only sum up the conv0), it felt like she went out of her way to express how much work her husband put in to make sure they had a happy home and loving relationship. And no, I’m not saying her experience is the end all be all. Nor is it a platform for how I choose to judge my own marriage. And my commentary in regard to this post has nothing to do with me personally; but I’ve been listening to people of my generation long enough to feel like there has been a shift in the expectation of men these days. And this stems from great wisdom shared with me by older women during my engagement and my whole life. Matter of fact, I tried to talk to my grandmother about marriage back when I was engaged and she laughed, refused and said, “Anything I have to share no longer applies because it’s a new breed of men these days. I don’t know what to tell you but good luck”. I was mad at the time but it all made since when I received a personal letter from a family friend as a shower gift about her marriage of over 30yrs I think.
To sum this up, we ALL (men and women) need to learn how to do more to better ourselves and marriages! I guess I just have a misunderstanding of what role men are destined to play – especially as husbands, so I’m always confused by many things I experience and witness through others. I do realize the value and benefit of encouraging your husband, yet doing so shouldn’t override accountability. That’s all I was trying to say somewhere in all this mumbo jumbo lol.
I would have loved to be apart of your service. The question of the day for all of us is are we the type of wives that have husbands that can get up and share the same sentiments about us? Made me realize how much work I need and am willing to do…but you can’t work things out with a man that doesn’t want to be a man, no matter how much patting on the back you do 🙂 *I’m grateful for mine and encouraged*! THANKS RONNIE! *rolling up my sleeves* 🙂
Lamar says
@Jonesi- I’ll piggyback on your comment to say there’s been a change in the expectations of men and at the same time the requirements towards men held by women as well. It’s a two part problem.
For those that have already seen “You Saved Me” two parts come to mind. Tray Chaney saying that as an actor knowing that he has the support, love, appreciation of his wife makes him “go harder” when it comes to pursuing his career because he knows that she’s got his back. Also Reggie Williams who said the support of his wife is an amazing feeling after fighting the outside world everyday. He even compared it to the feeling of hitting the game winning shot and having 12 thousand people on their feet cheering for you! WOW. (You better get this movie if you haven’t yet. LOL https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003EB6I1C/) How do these men know that their wives feel this way? Because they express it, not because they do what they are supposed to do and they are sure their wives know it.
Speak life into your man and into your marriage, you may be surprised with the results. Husbands can do the same but that’s not the point of this article so I’m staying on point. That’s another post for another day.
.-= Lamar´s last blog ..Is Marriage Boring? =-.
Aiyana says
Wow….I love to see such passionate dialogue about an often ignored issue such as this. Ronnie, this was a great article. Let’s all remember this: No one has the monopoly on perspective. Period.
Aiyana says
Wow….I love to see such passionate dialogue about an often ignored issue such as this. Ronnie, this was a great article. Lets all remember this: No one has the monopoly on perspective. Period.
.-= Aiyana´s last blog ..My Way Or The Highway =-.
Thomas says
I chide myself for spending so much time online (like Ive done over the last hour or so)…but, this is one of my favorite blogs to visit—always a good read, insightful, and thought-provoking.
Ive read all the comments… (Ill leave it at that)
(My 2 cents, actually its more like a quarter)
Im in my second marriage; happily celebrated ten years this past December. Grew up in a dysfunctional family (I, know, who didnt?). I mention it only to point out, as a boy I didnt see healthy husband-wife relations…there were glimpses, but a lot of it was foul. So I had to learn what proper and real manhood was…by proper and real I mean how is a man suppose to treat his wife, beating her when hes drunk couldnt be the right answer.
First marriage, we were young, I had issues, she had more, and it didnt work out. After getting over my anger of a failed marriage (she left me for a drug dealer) I vowed to become the RIGHT man. I knew I needed to work on myself. I had to become better. My failed marriage was not just my ex-wifes failure, it was mine also. Somehow I understood if I worked on me, and God allowed, the RIGHT woman would enter my life.
I worked, God willed, and she entered…yes, it happened just like that!
I gave my back-story to make this point; because I was still a-work-in-progress my wife and I had to work as a team to get me to where I needed to be. Maybe, a brother that has proper manhood modeled before him as hes going up doesnt need the praise of his wife. Maybe he is solid enough to conquer the world without her words of encouragement. Maybe hes so confident in his abilities that his wifes opinion about his triumphs or failures has no meaning to him; maybe he can do without her hugs, kisses, lovemaking and friendship—maybe that guy is out there. Im not a world traveler, but Ive never met that guy.
I needed my wifes encouragement to help me keep doing the right things that make for a healthy marital relationship. Why? Because without those kind words from her I would have regressed to what I knew—which was foul living; because thats what I saw growing up.
Heres an example of what I mean:
Wifey: “Baby thank you for working hard and bringing home your paycheck to take care of our family and household. I appreciate that and love you even more for doing so.â€
Yes, its what Im supposed to do, but, my step-dad would sometimes drink away or gamble away his earnings. And my first wife would take my whole paycheck and blow it at the mall, and hide her purchases. So, my current wifes praise, encouragement, and acknowledgement helped me continue to do the right things. It also helped me to strive to do even more beyond the expected.
This isnt to say by any means that I dont praise and acknowledge my wife for the awesome things that she does EVERY DAY. When she cooks Sunday dinner I tell her “Thank you baby for cooking. I appreciate you.†And thats real because my first wife didnt cook (LOL)…cant get more real than that.
Some women may not like this fact, but the male ego is fragile…and yes, it needs to be stroked. Any woman that realizes this fact and works with it will have a man that will move mountains or clean stalls for her. Heres the flip side, if she doesnt he will encounter the woman that is willing to stroke his ego through words of praise and acknowledgement…and no matter how much he loves and cares for you that other woman will hold the trump cards.
Take heed single sisters, if this isnt your ball of wax, dont get married. Men are men, and this fact is not changing.
Great post. Great discussion. Keep it up!
Peace!
.-= Thomas´s last blog ..Are You a Grown Man or Not? =-.
Leslie says
Greetings Sisters and Brothers! I should be studying now but got drawn into this topic after looking for info on what God’s word says about establishing and maintaining a healthy marriage. So here I am blogging about this topic.
I’ve been married a year and a half and it has been one of thr toughest things I’ve ever done. So much so that I sometimes have visions of quitting. The Readers Digest c
version is that while there were times that I said the wrong thing to my husband (which I know once said cannot be retracted) I’ve also made strides and efforts to do more building. My husband however is so damaged by his childhood experiences that he cannot receive even the love and affection I try to give. I know the word of God suggest that we love unconditionally but it’s gets very frustrating when someone is constantly pushing you away and using negative tactics as a means of establishing control and power. There has to be a level of self-love that one can bring to a marriage in order that it has a fighting chance. Also there has to be a willingness to work collectively to reach common ground. I want counseling. He doesn’t. I want to talk and hash things out even if it proves that I’m at fault. He doesn’t. I even expressed to him that perhaps he doesn’t feel safe to share things with me and that I’m willing to do what it takes to get better. No response. It’s like hitting a brick wall. I’m realizing that no matter how much I do or say to show my appreciation for him and what he does, he has assume responsibility for his emotional, spiritual and psychological well-being.
I pray that God exposes the shortcomings in me that may contribut to the decline in my marriage, and he has exposed some ways in me that I am doing the work on. God gives us free will and is not forceful or demand that we accept him. I chat make my husband want to communicate and be affectionate and understand that just holdi g down a job is what keeps a marriage together. Because of the sins of man early on, God said that man would labor as punishment. What do we make such a big deal about this? From a Godly perspective our words are to build anyway. No matter if it’s your husband or a stranger on the street. We need to be careful not to take the world’s perspective on issues that enter the body of Christ and use His unadulterated word as a measuring stick for if we are missing the mark on not for every aspect of our lives. And let the truth be told, we have to encourage so much because we are just broken as a people.
What I am learning about my marriage is that it is essential for all newbies to first get counseling individually and deal with all of the mutigenerational curses that exist in our families. We have to be diligent in healing those past hurts, ornelse no matter how much someone encourages you (it will be a temporary fix) if you don’t know who you are and who’s you are it will be like placing a bandaid on cancer.
I pray for my husband and I beleive thr Lord can fix it. It’s just hard when you don’t have someone willing to do the work with you.
Leslie says
Please excuse the typos I’m responding from my IPhone! Oops!
Harriet says
I’m praying with you, Leslie! Reading what you wrote transported me to the first 18 months of my marriage, so I completely understand where you’re coming from!
I also have been a witness to how humility, counseling and God’s guidance can turn a man around for the better. If He could work something like that around in a man like my husband, He can do it for ANYONE.
Hang in there, keep praying and keep believing in your husband. It may not happen overnight, but make a concerted effort not to focus on the negatives. When you see a change…even the most minute one…build him up about it! You all can make it through this! I’m a living witness (not to get all religious). Be blessed!
Leslie says
Thank you Harriet! We newlyweds rarely get the real story about the first few years. Thanks for sharing your testimony. I will continue to work on speaking words that build and not breakdown! My husband is my ministry I know. And just as Christ suffered, I know that we are too. I believe the enemy is mad about my growing intimacy with the Lord and wants to use my husband to get to me. This means I really need to love him even more. Just so hard at times. Smile. Thanks for your prayers.
Draelee says
I know the saying is somewhat redundant, but truer words were never spoken. The effort here and there with my wife speaks leaps and bounds. its not as much as i would like, but when i do hear it im proud and want to do more for her. when i dont here it it almost becomes mundane and stale. i mean i know she does appreciate me, but hearing it is just that much sweeter.
Jay Kay says
Thats a tough one because sometimes you appreciate your spouse and you communicate it. However, some spouses can be so caught up with the compliments and they still dont do what needs to be done. How do you communicate your disappointment? After you have tried and the spouse still aint doing what they are supposed to?