by Aja Dorsey Jackson
Yesterday morning the Ricky Smiley morning show posed a question to listeners about marriage and whether it made sense to get married or whether it was better to just avoid all of the “drama” and shack up. At some point I had to stop listening because the conversation started to make me feel a little sad about the state of marriage in the Black community.It wasn’t the fact that there were people who didn’t believe that marriage was the right step for them to make. While I am a proponent of building strong marriages, I don’t believe that marriage is a step for everyone to take all of the time. My problem is with the actual reasons why people believed that building a family together without being married made sense.
For those who believed that it made more sense not to get married, the reason was mainly “what if it doesn’t work out?” Just so we are clear, we are not talking about childless couples who make the decision not to become legally wed. Instead, they are men and women believing that it makes more sense to become baby-daddies and baby-mommas than husbands and wives, because in the event that the relationship doesn’t work out, it is a lot easier to walk away than if you have the paperwork of a marriage to deal with.
This point really struck me. If you are bringing children into the world, why should you want it to be easy to walk away? Whether the family becomes broken because of a divorce or because it was never together to begin with, the children are being raised in a broken home nonetheless. Don’t we owe it to them to at least go into the decision to have them making an attempt to keep their family together?
Having had my daughter during a relationship, not a marriage, that didn’t work out, I can attest to the fact that drama comes with the dissolution of any relationship that involves children. You are not avoiding it by declining to say “I do”. While the decision to get married is a personal one, we have seen that the negative results of having an overwhelming number of Black children born to single mothers goes far beyond “to each his own”.
No one could offer me a guarantee when I walked down the aisle that my marriage would last a lifetime. As determined as I am for us to last forever, I can never know that tomorrow he won’t lose his mind and walk out the door. But making that commitment, to raise our son under one roof, for better or for worse, means something to me. Sure there is always a possibility of failure, but because it could fail does that mean that we shouldn’t even try?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and marketing consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. She can be reached at [email protected]
Preach!
I don’t think there’s much I can add to your article. I think you hit the nail on the head. People don’t value the commitment that comes with marriage. Some people (stay with me here) view marriage as a turtleneck – mad unconfortable, giving you the feeling that you are slowing being strangled. (I know it’s weird, but it’s the best analog I can come up with at not even 6 a.m.! LOL)
And I agree with you, marriage isn’t for everyone. But to hear people diss it so quickly…you’re right, it’s just sad.
.-= Tara´s last blog ..can you believe its almost been a year? =-.
*slowly being strangled. Dang it, I’m still tired. No excuses for typos!
.-= Tara´s last blog ..can you believe its almost been a year? =-.
Good Morning, first let me say that i love the expression that somes acorss on this site. It is uplifting and always informative. But clearly form the past articles we can see the ‘mind set’ of young black america. The mention of commiment or marriage to these brothers with children should not promote in them FEAR. Thats the problem! Rember your mothers and your mothers..mothers they were not scared. They had other more pressing things on deck such as Civil seperation/ Racist Society. Married households used to be the Back Bone of our culture…whats going wrong now ? True enough its very sad. Im a product of a scared society.
I think folks today value marriage and all the positives and struggles married couples encounter. They know that being in a serious relationship (especially when children are involved) is the best route…I just think people or plain flat-out too self-centered and/or too lazy to take on the task of moving into or staying in a marriage.
Think about it. Things are easy now, you don’t have to work REALLY hard at anything anymore…with the exception of marriage. So the idea of having to work at marriage (or anything for that matter) scares a great deal of people. To make matters worse, you could work hard at a marriage AND IT STILL MAY NOT WORK OUT scares people even more. But (here’s my issue) instead of owing up to the fact that “Hey, I don’t like marriage because I am lazy and don’t really want to work at it” they make up excuses as to why marriage in this day and age isn’t necessary.
.-= Brotha Tech´s last blog ..Eldrick Woods wouldve been better off WITHOUT technology! =-.
I love Brotha Tech’s response. I totally agree with him. Marriage is for the strong!
Lol @ Tara and the turtleneck. I might have to steal that one.
Brotha Tech I agree with you 100 percent.
I dont even know what to say, I’m just SMH. One thing that was pressed in our pre-marital sessions was the we had to make it work, divorce was not an option, and our marriage was indeed until death. James and I joke and say that we’re “stuck” with each other, but when we decided to get married we both entered into that agreement that we were going to last forever. As you said, reality may be that one day that’s not the option. But I think we can’t live in fear that that is what’s going to happen. I don’t see how people can truly think that dealing with baby-momma/daddy drama is easier than TRYING to make a marriage work and have a good chance of that succeeding. Still just SMH.
well being married for 17 years, i do know its hard. very hard.
The weddings I attend today, are usually about the type of dress, how much spent on cake and food. the registry is outrageous. Do the newly married understand the cost spent on the one day that most usually forget who was there is a down payment on a house. Do they understand that marriage is more than the wedding day. lol. no i dont think so which is why most are separated or divorce before the 5th year.
I am someone with many brothers and the way the females throw themselves at them is also one reason why they are reluctant to committ. why, when they believe females are not faithful.
Tara, my coworker and I are cracking up about your turtleneck analogy, but it so sooooo true!! I have met people that act like they are going to break out in hives at the thought of marriage and they are the same people that are in relationships for 10 or more years and marriage is the furthest thing from their minds. My godsister has never been married and apparently has no plans to, after 3 kids (3 baby daddies), she says that marriage is not for her even though she has been with the last childs father for about 6 years or so. I think that she looks at her sisters marital situation as a reason why not to get married and so she hasn’t. Drama exists in relationships in general so avoiding marriage does not eliminate that by any means. My 1st anniversary is on Sunday, and I can honestly say, this first year has not been without trials and tribulations, but the good so outway the bad and I have no regrets about making the decision I made to become a wife.
You never know what life will bring, as much as you think you may know a person, do we REALLY know them totally? You could come home and he could have packed his bags and left you with nothing but a mattress and a loaf of bread. Life is about taking chances..
GREAT JOB AJA!!!
Amen! And to answer your question….absolutely not! What if we approach all life’s situations with this attitude? We’d all be jobless because we would be too afraid that we would get fired or carless because we would be afraid that our cars would break down or we would get into an accident. This is just lazy, ignorant, and cowardly thinking. Great post!
.-= joanofalltrades´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Pajama Day =-.
Okay, I’m back now that I can think straight. LOL
Judas made a good point. People worry too much about a “wedding” and don’t think about what comes after the “happily ever after.” People were amazed that I wasn’t freaking out about my wedding. I didn’t fuss over the dress or the location for the reception or anything. Whatever worked was cool with me. Because I had my husband. That’s all I wanted.
I think it’s very simple. The more you have single parent households and marriage no longer being the norm, then you program future generations to see marriage as “optional.” I’ve never viewed marriage that way, because I am the product of two people who have been dating since they were 15. They’re 50 now. I get commitment because I saw it everyday. If your grandma was single, your mom was single, your aunts never got married, then why would you think that marriage was something you “had” to do?
.-= Tara´s last blog ..tis the season! =-.
1 Corinthians 7:1-2
Marriage
1Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.[a] 2But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.
I personally wanted to be married. I didn’t want to start a family before there was a marriage. No offense to those who have, but that wasn’t for me. I agree that there is too much emphasis on the day and not the lifetime. Judas is right, all that money can be a down payment on the family home and not the wedding DAY. I didn’t catch that show but it sounds sad that so many people were not looking to be married.
The problem with most ppl who get married is they most likely should have never got married. The ppl seeing their marriage think they are the example of what marriage is., and it does put fear in others. I love the “turtleneck” reference, for those who are hesitant about marriage nobody wants to be strangled in a marriage or even a relationship. The main thing is that it’s too acceptable to just shack up with or without kids. Marriage may not be easy, but it’s not as hard as some make it. The way I feel about marriage is the way I think about having kids, both can be challenging but I could not imagine my life with out either.
Merry Christmas all:
Married 20 years in 2010. Been through tons of trials, heartbreak, and pain, and caused tons of trials, heartbreak and pain. Yet there is no greater comfort than knowing that my wife is my home. No matter where we are if she is there then …that’s home. Even among stress, and turmoil there is peace. From my perspective, before me and my wife married, there was always the uncertainty of if we were going to be able to make it, but once we dove in well, not making it was not an option, so believe it or not that removed a lot of the stress.
What always amazes me is that people don’t get married because they do not want to be committed to someone legally and yet will bring multiple children into this world with them, which in my mind is more of a commitment, because the two people are committing to a totally dependant third party LIFE! and that life must be tended to and , that is not optional.
I do believe as stated above that the decision not to marry is by and large anectodotal, as we tend to live according to the patterns that we have been displayed to us. I also believe the same holds true for the decision to be married.
I myself wonder what is truly at the heart of the decision not to marry? I wonder if its not the BBD (Bigger, Better, Deal) syndrome. The one that states if I am not married if someone else comes along that is the BBD, then I can just take off and go with that person. In the real world and in real marriage I am sure that there is a percentage of relationships which is actually subject to this and it destroys the marriage. I just think that there is also a percentage of people who spend years in a “exclusive, co-habitating, relationship” WITH KIDS, for which the BBD just never happens, so why not get married and make a true commitment to that person?
Anywho, it always seemed bass ackward to me that you need a license to get married, which can be obviated through annulment or divorce and yet any two humans who have the capacity to make a sperm an egg omelet, can have a baby, which requires a lifetime of commitment and care!!
Very good post Aja. And Tara really hit it when she said marriage as “optional”. It’s true, if you see everyone single and no one is married, why would I want to get married. its about the future generations.
Dee said, “Anywho, it always seemed bass ackward to me that you need a license to get married, which can be obviated through annulment or divorce and yet any two humans who have the capacity to make a sperm an egg omelet, can have a baby, which requires a lifetime of commitment and care!!”
***
My sentiments exactly.
.-= Harriet´s last blog ..Working…Dreaming…Working…Dreaming =-.
This is a great article, and two very good subjects that relate – marriage and children. I totally agree on the marriage topic – and the turtleneck analogy – very true. I grew up determined to not have a baby without being married (thanks to my mother I knew I had no other option) . I was 25 when I fell in love and got married, a year later our son was born, I thought I did everything right, we both had good jobs, education, home, cars…..4 rys later the marriage was over. So what I swore i would never be – I ended up being anyway – a single parent. Being married didn’t have anything to do with my ex-husband being a nut and it wouldn’t have been easier if were unwed, there was still a child in the midst of this dysfunction. My point is that we need to be mindful of what having a mature relationship is – we were not ready to be married nor take on the responsibility of being parents together, which unfortunately happens to a lot of people. People need to grow up and be responsible and communicate – you can have whatever relationship you want to have that’s pleasing to you – not others. But if you’re irresponsbile it hurts everyone, especially if a child is involved. We have to break the cycle of taking the easy way out, start thinking long-term, and have a goal that leads toward positive relationships.
shacking up, marriage, long term relationship it’s all the same. It requires commitment, fidelity, compromise and you must answer to someone else. @Tasha – your god sister is married, 6 years is the same thing.
So if one day he comes to her and says I want you to be my wife she’ll say ‘no’. I doubt it. She’ll say yes as well she should, she’s doing everything in her household that a wife would do.
The majority of women that say they aren’t into marriage haven’t been proposed to by the right man.
I think deep down inside people know that marriage is not for the selfish. And most folks these days are selfish – at least the reasons stated in the article above for not wanting to be married are selfish. When folks put themselves first problems arise. Also if they enter any relationship with the mindset of “what if it doesn’t” work out then it will be a self fulfilling prophecy.
I recently married (Aug. 3, 2009) after 8 (yes, I said it!)….. 8 years of living together. We share a 5 year old son and my husband brought a son to the relationship that has always lived with us. I used to be one of those people that said marriage didn’t matter. I believed that if 2 people wanted to be together that nothing else was needed. My husband would occasionally bring up marriage and I would brush the idea away. More recently we had been talking about marriage more seriously and the next Monday night we watched Black in America 2 on CNN. All the points made about marriage resonated with me and we got married the following Monday! I am the first to admit that I was dead wrong about marriage. Our relationship is stronger, the commitment is palpable, and our children are so excited. Marriage has been a wonderful change for us and a great testament to people around us about the strength of our family and commitment to each other. And even after all the years of living together, marriage definitely feels different….. BETTER!
DEAR B&Mw/KIDS:
WHAT I’D LIKE TO KNOW IS WHERE DID YOU FIND “THE RICKEY SMILEY MORNING SHOW”. I LIVE IN DC AND HAVE NEVER HEARD IT!
It comes on 92.3. Its a Baltimore radio station but I’m pretty sure you can hear it in DC.