Let’s call her Tara. Tara emailed me in response to an article I wrote entitled, 3 Keys to Rebuilding Trust After It’s Been Broken. Her man broke her trust (she didn’t go into details). She’s upset because he’s trying to make her hurry up and ‘get over it’. She also suspects he will get tired of the uphill climb out the doghouse and will just move on to the next one. She is trying to figure out whether to stay and work through it, or do a preemptive strike and leave.
Before you are quick to say ‘LEAVE HIM!!!’, let’s understand that emotionally, the feelings of losing a relationship are sometimes worse that staying in a bad one. So I’m not always quick to tell a woman that she should leave her man who’s not treating her right — like some judgmental parties standing a-far-off like to do.
I agree with their outrage. And agree that the woman’s need to assert/preserve her self-respect and dignity. But I also understand people. Everybody has a different — what I call — ‘drama quotient’. That is, the amount of drama one can withstand in a relationship. See…depending on how much drama Tara experienced in her childhood…or went through in past relationships, she might be able to withstand an 8 level of drama (on a drama scale from 1 to 10; 1 = no drama and 10 = physical abuse). But you might only be able to handle a level 6 before you start looking for your purse.
In fact, some people who grew up in a family with a level 10 drama quotient don’t feel comfortable in a relationship where everything is cruising comfortably along at a level 5. A woman once told me, ‘something is wrong if there’s nothing jumping-off in my relationship’. So she would start some drama just to normalize her environment. Crazy right? But that’s her reality. I suggested therapy.
But back to Ms. Tara. Here are four questions she should ask herself – and anybody else in a similar situation – to help her determine whether to stay or leave.
1. How Are You Gonna Handle It?
Let’s put this in proper context. This decision is not about what he did, or how he’s responding to what he did. It’s about how you handle what he did. You can’t control his actions. But you can control yours. So don’t put the focus on him. Because, whatever he does…whether considerate or inconsiderate…you have control over how you respond. You are completely and totally in control of the boundaries, parameters and acceptable behaviors that are permissible in your relationship. Do not yield the power of making a decision about the conditions of your relationship over to him.
2. Are You That Chick?
With that said, the real question is: what kind of woman are you? Are you that chick with a high drama quotient who can withstand a high level of drama? Are you that chick who would rather be in a bad relationship than no relationship at all? Or are you that chick who is no-nonsense and ‘ain’t got time for that’? I’m not judging you. Nor am I setting a drama level at which you should leave. Because the real truth is, you are going to reside at whatever drama level your devotion to that man…or to the idea of being with a man…will permit you to reside. My job, at this point, is to get you to take the focus off of him and focus on determining what kind of woman you are. Because it’s that woman who has to make the decision to stay or leave. So which chick are you?
3. Is He Maturing?
After you figure out which chick you are, then you have to make a judgment call on whether he’s worth staying with or not. This is your call…not his. Answering this question will help you make this tough decision:
How empathetic are his decision making and interactions with you?
Empathy is having the emotional capacity to understand other people’s feelings or perspectives. Harvard developmental psychologists, Kegan & Lahey (1984), suggest that…how a person understands a situation/event is based on their level of developmental maturity. They cite three levels of development people go through to get to maturity:
- Lower Level — little empathy shown for other people’s perspectives or feelings when making decisions and interacting with others; self centeredness.
- Middle Level — decisions and interactions are based on the type of relationship you have with the other person; they are conditional.
- Maturity Level — decisions and interactions are based on principles of fairness and trust; integrity.
No one is perfect. And development happens over time. But everyone should be developing…maturing…as time goes along. Gauge your mates maturity by considering whether his decision making — over the last 12 months — has grown more empathetic towards your perspectives and feelings, or more self-centered and conditionally-based on how he feels about you at the time. Can their interactions with you be described as fair and trusting, or unfair and shady?
London's Mom says
This was a GREAT article. My boyfriend and I have been through something similar and the empathy has definitely increased within the relationship since we started dating in 2010. If you see a future with your partner and the feeling is mutual, everything in this article is definitely worth a try.
Heath Wiggins says
Yeaaaa! Glad to hear it. I love when people are able to work through difficult situations. That’s largely why I wrote that piece…to give people a roadmap on how to get through trick situations like this. Thanks for sharing. If you would, please like my FB page His Leadership Her Trust. Thanks.
Deema says
I’m sorry but this comes down to knowing your worth. I’m not quick to say leave but I’m real quick to ask do you love yourself? No matter your family background you have to know it’s not ok to damage your soul. If he wants her to hurry up & heal there’s no maturity there. Maturity would be recognizing he hurt her, she’s in a state of lack of trust & loving her through it. I was once Tara & it came from low self esteem & not believing I’d get someone else who’d treat me like a queen. Once I got into my Bible & saw what God said about me it was a no brainer.
Heath Wiggins says
Deema, I’m glad you sought direction from God on what he said about you. As far as I’m concerned, that is the right source to find your self worth. There are some women, unfortunately, that haven’t read that book, chapter, and verse yet. And their self worth reflect that lack of understanding – as once did yours. Their current self worth might be sculpted out of what their father didn’t affirm in them, the struggle they witnessed their mother go through to make ends-meet, what their social circles required in order to be accepted and popular, what they had to do to acquire status symbols, money, or financial security, and what they had to do in order to get and keep a man. (these same factors shape both men and women; but I’m just talking about women right now)
All these life experiences color the lens of what loving yourself looks like. I agree with you, it’s not ok to damage your soul. But sometimes people do soul-damaging things, like unknowingly enter into soul-damaging relationships – under the guise of finding love. And for those that are in them, the spirit enlightening thing to do is to get out. And that’s what I hope this post helps some figure out if they should do that or not.
Thanks for your comments. And if you would, please like my FB page https://www.facebook.com/hisleadershiphertrust. Have a great weekend.
Deema says
I can agree with you there! My hope is that all women can turn to that book & it’ll answer the question for them. I do understand some people aren’t Christian as well so they don’t even know where to go for guidance. I think sometimes ladies are looking for confirmation to stay & just seeing the question to stay or go can keep them in it.
supawonderwoman says
Been there..right there…exactly there..gave it a year n a half..without steady positive outcomes..so I left..kids pregnant n all to another state…best decision I could have made..I’m happier now..my children are too..I knew we deserved better n now we are better!
BB says
Dear Editor,
I have been married for six years,and have 3 kids for my husband but the problem here is my husband cheats on me, seeks the opinion of his family(ie mum and siblings)before any decision is taken in our marriage,when discussing about property he uses the word my instead of our (eg.my car,my house,my chair etc.)he embarrasses me before his family and even before my maids and at times hits me. Pls advice me on what to do, do I stay or leave?
Heath Wiggins says
Hello, you are living in a very toxic environment. I suspect your culture is a highly male-dominant. In highly male-dominant cultures, the wife primarily is there to perform domestic duties, like cooking, cleaning, and caring for the children, and to be available for sex. That’s probably why he does not consider your opinion before making decisions. He seeks input from the people he respects. And his interactions with you (embarrassing and hitting you) shows you exactly how he feels and thinks about you. He has absolutely no empathy for you in his interactions and decision making. I would say that your drama quotient on a scale of 1-10 is a 15.
I not telling you to leave, but you need to talk about that with someone that is professionally trained to help you make that decision. Your situation is unique, in that your culture has a huge influence on what is appropriate interactions for a husband and wife. A therapist will be the best thing for you at this point to help you sort all this out. I wish you all the best. Please like my FB page so I can keep in touch with you https://www.facebook.com/hisleadershiphertrust
Talib says
A friend of mine stated that within the black community, we are bereft of forgiveness. I have found that to be true because even I was guilty of being in alignment with placing conditions on the individuals I used to deal with. It took some time, but I later began to not have my significant other to date my coping/defense mechanisms. Too many people go into relationships with expectations, and the instant 1 of those expectations aren’t met, then the other person wishes to discontinue involvement with the other based off their disappointment of their expectation not being met. It is called GOAL digging. Chasing after goals instead of dating the real person are what contributes to the lack of forgiveness. As well as that person who supplies their coping/defense mechanism as a relationship partner versus being themselves. If you are guilty of doing something your significant other had done, then more empathy and forgiveness should be provided and displayed instead of being so gung ho about chastising them. If the spotlight is on you, would you not want to be shown some leniency if you know that the other has done the same. If so, then consider that before delegating out punishment. If we aren’t allowed to be human in relationships, then the downward spiral of the few black relationships that still exist will dwindle down to an even smaller number. The percentage of dual parent homes is too low within the black community and and that is a condition no child should suffer from simply due to someone’s ego. It takes a low level of maturity to not recognize your chid’s psychological health is more important than your expectations!
Heath Wiggins says
Talib, i like you concept of ‘goal-digging’. Sometimes, however, unmet expectations are just cause to end a relationship. I don’t know if you read the precursor to this article https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2013/09/3-keys-to-rebuilding-trust-after-its-been-broken/, but I talked about ‘expectations’ in it…in relationship to building trust. You made another great point about present you defense mechanism as a persona> Thus one’s mate enters into a relationship with a persona, not a person. I appreciate your feedback. Good food for though. Thanks for your comment. And if you would, please like my FB page so I can keep in touch https://www.facebook.com/hisleadershiphertrust
Donelle says
Unfortunately I think I found your site too late, to utilize it to save my 30yr marriage, but good & accurate information nonetheless! My husband has repeatedly showed me in no uncertain terms that he has zero desire to work on issues in our marriage. Despite repeated RESPECTFULLY DELIVERED requests, he has not once acknowledged HIS part in the marital dysfunction. EMPATHY, is non-existent! The decades of verbal & emotional abuse has definitely impacted my ability to express ANY feelings HONESTLY. I am often described by HIM, as distant, & uninvolved. I agree that I am both, and recognize its my coping technique, to numb out all feelings, good & bad. It’s how I have dealt with my one sided marriage for decades. It is how I tried to diminish the constant chaos, criticism, blame, chastisement and constant blame for everything that is wrong. The final straw was him , having what I KNOW for sure is/was an emotional affair, about 2 years ago. (perhaps even a sexual affair , but I have no proof) . I forgave him & her and asked him point blank if he wanted out of the marriage or wanted to work it out. In hinds items realize, he cried for the first time ever, and said he did not want to be “pushed away” ,but never really acknowledged his wrong, nor apologized or asked for forgiveness. I grasped onto his tearful plea, as finally being a breakthrough , and perhaps once & for all opening up REAL dialogue to begin to repai our marriage. Yet as time has passed, NOTHING has changed, and he still interacts daily with this woman, who happens to one of his employees and has even gone to the extreme, of throwing her affections for her in my face, by constantly praising her work ethic, hugging her, in my presence, helping her & her 3 children above & beyond work, giving them things, all under the disguise of just being grateful for her hard work. I do not believe these actions are BAD all by themselves, but when they are done to be intentionally hurtful to me, the actions are not sincere or wholesome, they are manipulative & misguided. I know this because he has had several employees with similar work ethics, including myself & our 3 children and not oly are we NOT praised AT ALL, but are often ridiculed, and criticisized to theorist that all 3 children left the business when they became adults. I have remained for the past 4 years as co-owner, although I also maintain a full time job on top of my 20 hours a week I workat the business. Yet I get daily & weekly ridicule, blame, for NOT doing enough for our business, not being SUPPORTIVE enough, etc.
Having said all that , I still want to learn as much as possible about interpersonal relationships, as I can, I have no plans for immediatly looking for a new relationship or marriage once we separate. But just relationships In general need the same tools, to be recognized & mastered.
Liese says
I have been at a crossroads with whether I should stay or go. After three years of marriage ( eleven years altogether) and three children, not much has changed in my husband’s maturity or responsibility levels. He does not keep a job and he looks to me to work and take care of our financial, family, and home obligations. At one point, I was working three jobs to take care of our family, while he did nothing. Thankfully, I resigned from two of the jobs and started re-prioritizing and budgeting. But, I have learned from this to take care of myself and my children and leave him to do whatever he has purposed to do. I cannot control or waste time worrying about him and what he will or will not do. But, I can keep seeking God and doing what I need to do to move forward. Thanks for sharing this article. It was much needed!
Heath Wiggins says
Liese, it so disheartens me to hear examples of men who are anemic in their relationships. They take everything and give little-to-nothing. Being married to one leaves you in a tricky situation. The needs of the family sometimes necessitate women to stay in those relationships because of the children. Those type of relationships take on very weird structure and family dynamics. I’ve seen this too often.
I’m not telling you to leave. However, one of the challenges you will face down the road is your children learning what a marriage is from you and your husband. If you have boys, their father’s ineptness might say to them that this is right…because that’s what mom and dad did. If you have girls, you might be teaching them that women have to do everything because men don’t do anything. This will have significant effect on their perspectives of what are appropriate roles and responsibilities for men and women in their future relationships. I understand that you might not be able to do anything about it right now, but I just wanted to put that bug in your ear so you…at least…can somehow try to use your relationship to teach your kids the appropriate roles and responsibilities for men and women in a marriage. I wish you all the best. I pray for you and your family. And if you would, please like my FB page so I can stay in touch with you https://www.facebook.com/hisleadershiphertrust.