If you’re still single, childless, and over 40, the world can make you feel like something is wrong with you. Maybe it’s your physician pressuring you to freeze your eggs at every annual visit “just in case” you don’t meet the right man before your fertility expires. Perhaps you stumbled across gossip headlines like Media Takeout’s post which screamed “R&B Singer ASHANTI Is ALMOST 40 YEARS OLD …STILL NO MAN…And NO KIDS… What’s Wrong With Her????” Either way, it’s highly likely you’ve been battling feelings like doubt, shame, and fear, simply because you’re unmarried and childless.
First things first. There’s nothing wrong with you. Period.
Next, a woman’s fertility is a deeply personal and sensitive topic. It’s no one’s business why you have or haven’t had children, and you shouldn’t have to explain yourself to anyone. As Damona Hoffman made plain in her response to Media Takeout’s attempt to shame single women who are childless, some Black women aren’t married because of a shrinking marriage market.
Others made a personal decision to pursue their careers and thought love and marriage would just take care of itself. Sometimes, you’ve spent the best years of your life with a man who never put a ring on it, and now your window for having children is closing due to no fault of your own.
As an expert who has worked with many women who feel real pressure to hurry up and get married before their fertility clock expires, I’ve seen firsthand how these outside forces created inner pressure within the ladies that made them feel like their dreams were fading fast.
I’ve also coached women who were younger than 40, but had recently been diagnosed with PCOS, endometriosis, fibroids and other medical conditions that could affect their ability to have kids. Doctors gave them little hope. “Go have a baby now” was their only prescription. These sisters needed support with redefining their dreams around marriage and family if they were going to succeed with dating.
If you can relate, I want to share my top 3 coaching tips to help take the pressure off so you can enjoy your dating journey.
Tip #1 – Revise Your Vision Board
The woman you were at 20 is completely different from the woman you were when you first decided your dream was to get married and have a family. It may be time to upgrade your definition of family so that it allows you to explore dating a man with kids, adoption, surrogacy or even mentoring children together with your partner.
Tip #2 – Explore Holistic Health Treatment
If you still desire to give birth to children and you’re unsure of your current fertility, take charge of your health by exploring holistic health practitioners who specialize in womb wellness. I’ve referred clients to natural doctors and teachers who taught them how to properly use diet, anti-stress lifestyle changes and natural medicine to heal their fertility issues. Before you take drastic measures regarding your reproductive health, know all of your options.
Tip #3 – Don’t Waste Time
Finally, I encourage you to set an intention to not waste time in relationships that can’t give you what you want. For example, a client told me she was falling for a guy who was everything she was looking for in a man except for one crucial thing: he made a vow to never have any more kids. She needed to make a decision. If she was going to pursue the relationship, she’d have to let go of her dream of raising a family of her own. Any attempts to change his mind would just be a waste of time.
If you’re single and childless, there’s nothing wrong with you. Your original dream may have to change,but you still have the power to choose how you live your life right now.
BMWK, does your fertility clock influence who you choose to date?