Do you ever feel like you’re dating a wishy washy man? One day you’re in a relationship. The next day he isn’t ready to commit. One day he loves you. The next day he wants to take it slow.
Why won’t he just seal the deal and commit? And what should you do when you find yourself in this situation?
I want to take you into the mind of men and share how they think about commitment. Of course not all men think alike, but after interviewing men over the last 4 years, I’ve watched them open up and share their man secrets. They tell me things they’d never share with you.
For example, the other day the cashier at the grocery store asked me what I did for a living.
As soon as he heard I was a matchmaker, he opened up his heart right there in the 12 Items or Less Express line, and told me about his latest fight with his girlfriend.
“I’ve been married twice and I’m dating someone now. She wants to get married which is understandable since she’s getting older. I’m just unsure… “
His commitment issues have caused them to break up several times. You can tell he loved her and he even tried couples counseling to work on their relationship. But he’s still hasn’t put a ring on it.
The truth is, many men are relationship-minded and want marriage, so when they hesitate to commit, there’s a deeper reason.
Here are the top 4 reasons that I’ve discovered from my interviews with men:
1) He’s afraid of making the wrong decision.
He understands how serious marriage is and doesn’t want to enter in to it lightly. Even if he’s never been married before, he may hesitate because he wants to be sure he’s making the right choice.
2) He hasn’t gotten over the last person who broke his heart.
If there’s one thing I know for sure, men hate rejection. Fear of rejection is just one reason why a man might not commit fully to you, especially if he’s been through bad breakups in the past.
3) He likes you, but he thinks he “might” be able to find someone he likes better.
Online dating has created this illusion of endless options for singles (even though you and I both know online dating is tough!) So even if a man likes you, he may think there’s someone a little bit better around the corner.
4) He likes things the way they are.
If you’ve been waiting for a ring for three years or more, chances are your man is comfortable with your relationship the way it is. Because you haven’t left, he assumes you are happy too!
If you’re dating someone who won’t commit the issue isn’t with you. It’s all about what’s going on in his head and heart. You can be the best girlfriend–nurturing, attentive, loving, and supportive–but it won’t matter.He may know logically that you’re a great catch, but in his heart he’s unsure.
When the head and heart conflict, the heart always wins!
What to do when he won’t commit:
1. Some of the reasons men won’t commit can be overcome with patience. You may be ready for marriage after a year of dating but he needs a little more time.
2. Other times you may need to create a little distance in the relationship so he realizes what he’ll miss if he doesn’t commit to you. For example, he shouldn’t get exclusive access to your time if he’s not going to commit to dating you exclusively.
3. Finally, if a committed relationship is what you want, don’t be afraid to ask for it. If he’s serious about you, he shouldn’t be surprised when you have “The Talk,” and he’ll step up. If he doesn’t, then it’s a sign that it’s time for you to move on.
BMWK, I want to hear from you! How long do you date before you ask for commitment?
crazyinlove says
This was right on time. I was dating someone for 8 months. I met his parents, friends and it was really going well. We took a vacation together. We don’t live in the same city but made sure to see each other twice a month or more. Everything was great until he decided we didn’t want the same thing. I’m in love and so confused. I never asked for a commitment but we did have an understanding of exclusivity. This helped but I’m still lost.
Aesha Roberts says
I’m so sorry to hear that! The answer is simple. He didn’t love you like you thought he did, which means he wasn’t The One. It’s hard to hear, but it can help you heal and move on. Your true love will love you unconditionally.
T.T. says
I’ve been dating a guy for two months now and I really like him a lot. The thing is that we already talked about dating other people after a few weeks of dating each other. We agreed that we would date each other exclusively and if anything changed and we wanted to date other people we would let the other person know and have a conversation. I felt good about that arrangement at first but now that we are four weeks after that decision I am already thinking about asking to be boyfriend and girlfriend. I’m not sure if there is even a difference so I guess that’s why I’m itching to ask. However, at the same time he recently divorced his ex-wife 12 months ago and he told me he wanted to wait at least a year before getting into another relationship. That year is just a few weeks away. I guess my dilemma is if I should ask about a relationship now or wait a few more weeks until he brings it up. I just want to be careful not to get too attached to him but I feel that he really cares for me too. What should I do?