by Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
Who would you trust? In this journey we all have a calling on our life. In most of our churches we are required to use that calling to be a blessing to others. Since I have been attending my church for the past 5 years, I always felt confident in my desire to serve in the couple’s ministry. However, my Pastor had different ideas of where I could be the biggest blessing. And it was not in the couples’ area. When he would discuss couples and who would be the best to minister to other couples, he never mentioned my husband and me. To my surprise he suggested the couple, who we all felt had struggled the most in their marriage. My Pastor felt that they would be best because their marriage had survived and is continuing to survive so many challenges. As I reflected on his recommendation, it started to make some sense to me, although I still question it from time to time. It is understandable that a couple who had gone through difficulties would much rather hear from a couple who can totally relate. Someone who is experiencing infidelity wants to know how another couple survived it. One that has separated probably wants to talk to two that have rebuilt after a separation. What could someone offer who has absolutely no idea what that feels like? Actually, they could offer a lot.
In helping professions, most of the time the professional has not walked in the client’s shoes, but they are still qualified to help. For me, hearing from a successful couple who has been able to avoid most of the challenges that marriages fall victim to, is more beneficial. Of course we must take into account that we never truly know all that a couple may go through. But this speaks more for those who seem to consistently have a handle on what makes a marriage work. I would be curious to know what made their relationship so strong. Why were they unable to break? What tools, skills and exercises do they use to keep it all together? That is the lesson that is most important to me. Not what you did when the trouble came, but how you avoided the trouble altogether. Those are the makings of a couple we could all learn from. How were they able to steer away from temptations and angry emotions to keep peace in their marriage? Their sacrifice took more work than anything else. Having to deny their own selfish desires to consider their spouse and their marriage and always work toward that common goal is true commitment. In my opinion sacrifice is much harder to do. That is the couple I want to learn from.
BMWK, if needed, which couple would you rather hear from, the troubled couple or the successful couple and why?
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing and creator of The Black Wives’ Club. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
I’d rather hear from the successful couple. Every successful couple has overcome challenges so it’s not like they’d be oblivious to how to handle obstacles.
If I’m at work, I’d rather learn and be mentored by those who are the superstars, so why would it be different for marriage?
Good post and good question. I think both the troubled and successful couple have their points of value & weakness. But as leaders I would go with the stronger couple. When qualifying men for the pastorate and deacons in I Tim 3 one of the qualifications is being of good reputation. It may serve as a good model in this situation too. If the struggling couple distracts others from hearing the messesge because all people can hear when they are speaking are past and present rumors then that might he an issue.
Great question. I would rather talk to the strong, successful couple. “Not what you did when the trouble came, but how you avoided the trouble altogether.Not what you did when the trouble came, but how you avoided the trouble altogether.” Pretty much sums it up for me. I want to know how to stay out of the hole, not how to dig out of it.
Yes Yes YEs! I’m with you 1000% We are totally on the same page! I feel the same way I would seek advice from a strong successful couple. Excellent question by the way.
This is a great question, but honestly I would actually want to hear from both couples. Each couple can provide insights you may not have.
I’d want to hear from both couples. In the ideal world, only the words of the successful couple would be necessary. But realistically most marriages have some serious issues and need to hear from those in troubled marriages to learn how to still make things work.
I would want to her from both couples because it’s important to get both sides. Then couples would have the knowledge and power to be successful in their relationship
If I had to choose just one, it would be the troubled couple, but only if they had overcome their past troubles and NOT repeated the challenges. I believe I could learn from both couples, though. Someone who has never faced a challenge that I’m dealing with may not be able to give me the best advice – they have not ‘been there, done that’ – but might be able to help me avoid the challenges in the future. Someone who has overcome has a different perspective – and that is valuable as well.
Great point.
This is true Lise, great point.
I’d rather hear from the troubled couple who has over come their tribulations. IMO people who have been through mess are usually more understanding, less judgemental and open when they hear about your mess.
Hello BMWK! Here goes…..There’s so many degrees of each (relationship success vs. relationship struggle), that’s there’s opportunities for different styles and types of advice. I’ve been married for 15 years and the person that I’d need to hear from now is not necessarily the person I would’ve been receptive to, say, at the five and ten year marks. We all have a story and as far as professionals who want to help heal and encourage couples, the more the merrier. It’s a matter of opinion as to who’d be the most or better qualified, because couples are going through different struggles and generational issues. Just my thoughts…….Great topic Tiya!
Interesting topic, and this actually brings up a pet peeve of mine. I have been in the ministry been around ministry couples, been involved in counseling on both sides of the equation, having counseled and been counseled. I can say that when it comes to marriage counseling, I would vote for NEITHER couple, and instead would go to a licensed marriage counselor. I have seen some pretty graphic examples of couples being in the ministry and thought that that qualified them to play therapist. Time and time I have seen couples issues not truly being addressed because the “counselors†were not therapist and actually did that couple MUCH more harm than good. Now I will caveat this with, when it comes to counseling someone on a biblical standard then I think that anyone with a biblical base and convictions about scripture should be able to present and explain scriptures that will call the couple or person in question to that standard. However I get the feeling that this is not what we are talking about. I truly believe that, if a couple is having issues, be it infidelity, or sexual incompatibility, or verbal or physical or psychological abuse and everything in-between, then that couple would be best served to go into marriage therapy. It saved my marriage and taught me more about myself and my marriage then I could ever possibly imagine. I have no issues with getting advice from any couple, and friendships can and do have a place in couple relationships, but you have to know where to draw the line and humbly admit that there are a lot of couples out there who need professional help, and being a minister does not qualify ANYONE to give professional marriage therapy. Great topic, THANKS!
“Xâ€
I honestly believe both couples are successful. They are struggling but they haven’t given up…they are working it out! That’s success in my book. So many couples throw in the towel and just walk away. I believe both couples have wisdom to share. If I were the pastor I would have both couples lead the couple’s ministry so that those in need would benefit from having both perspectives. It’s great that the “successful” couple is doing so well, however in today’s society that’s not the norm. Yes, I would love to know how they navigated the waves of change but I would also like to hear from those whose story is most similar to mine.
Just because you have struggles doesn’t mean you are not successful…its overcoming those struggles that counts. The race is not given to the swift but to the one who endure to the end.
Troubled Couple or Successful Couple? In every marriage, isn’t it point where we are both troubled and successful? I think of my parents who will be celebrating their 56th wedding anniversary on Christmas. Now to me, that is true success or is it? During the course of my parents marriage, they raised 5 children one with mental health issues, infidelity of both parties, two separations, purchasing two homes, having 15 grandchildren, having two great careers, filing for divorce three times, 7 great-grandchildren, having one adult child to die and one who is very sickly. I say all this to say that every marriage will be troubled and successful in some area….How do you handle the successes and get through the trouble. I want someone who got longevity in the game who can show me how to have it too. Blessings…..
Successful couples tend to be former troubled couples. Most of them just don’t talk about it. You would be surprised to learn what “successful couples” have endured or overcomed. It is all about perspective guys. People don’t tell everything. My parents have been married for 45 years and we are still learning things about them and our grandparents that would make your mouth fly open. The point is they remained together through their journey in life. Every marriage will have some issues; how you resolve those issues is what matters. Success doesn’t mean you didn’t have problems, it means you have discovered a way to overcome those problems and move on through life together.
Successful couples tend to be former troubled couples. Most of them just don’t talk about it. You would be surprised to learn what “successful couples” have endured or overcomed. It is all about perspective guys. People don’t tell everything. My parents have been married for 45 years and we are still learning things about them and our grandparents that would make your mouth fly open. The point is they remained together through their journey in life. Every marriage will have some issues; how you resolve those issues is what matters. Success doesn’t mean you didn’t have problems, it means you have discovered a way to overcome those problems and move on through life together.
I agree with you 100%. In my opinion no marriage goes without struggles. So, there is no perfect marriage. It may look that way from the outside, but on the inside there is always something, whether it be finances, arguments on how to discipline kids, infidelity, or outside family. In my opinion, it is how you deal with the obstacles that makes your marriage great. By all means, some peoples obstacles are bigger than others. Because some are willing to deal with much more. I think I have a great, happy, and healthy marriage, my hubsand and I love each other dearly, no infidelity, have a great life together, but debt can cause issues. That being said, we still have some work to do, which I believe all marriages do, even if it is just, your husband want help around the house. We have alot couples that ask us for advice and right out say they envy our marriage. I strongly believe the key is to communicate, no matter how difficult the subject and be willing to compromise. So, I could definately see the Pastor’s prospective, because obstacles doesn’t make the marriage bad, it is how you deal with them and how often they are happening. If they are repeated offenses, that is a problem for me. lol
My hubsand is a pastor and I agree with you!! Go see a counselor, if you can afford it. I think it is great to get some spiritual guidance, prayer, and scripture. Although, the seminary school I go to does offer cousneling classes. So, some pastors are very much qualified. So, please don’t count them out. =-)
I agree. The “troubled” couple can often alert you to warning signs that you may be completely oblivious to in your own relationship. When a couple is secure enough in their relationship to be transparent it relieves you of the pressure to be perfect in your own.
I tend to think that any couple that is still together and working together on their marriage is a successful marriage.