From the moment a black girl is born we are subconsciously told we are not “good enough”. Our hair is not straight enough, our lips are too full, our butts are too big we simply are not good enough to be loved. Our parents try their best to teach us differently, but the influence of society is too great on us and they stay fighting a losing battle. For years I struggled with this type of self hate. It was like a powerful drug that I was addicted to despite me knowing better. I talked myself out of great opportunities because I never felt like I deserved them. I stayed in relationships that were toxic because I needed validation by a man. By the time I entered college, I was a broken person.
Still in college I took on a different persona, I went years trying to always change something about myself. I stayed in the hair & nail salons making sure I was perfect because I did not want to give anyone ammunition to tell me I was not “up to par”. I wanted to be that “it” girl. After college I had a series of epiphanies that made me realize that not only was I good enough but I was better than good, I was great.
READ PART I: VH1 HATES BLACK WOMEN
You see I had this revelation before I self destructed from many of the social ills us black women suffer from: bad men, bad relationships or low self esteem. Unfortunately many of us black women never do get an epiphany and we spend our entire lives hating ourselves””just like many of the women we see weekly on reality television.
Last week I wrote an article ,”VH1 Hates Black Women“ that has drawn a lot of discussion on how the media views us. However, the one thing I kept hearing was that the networks were not to blame but we were””black women. You see we as black women hate ourselves that’s why we allow our image to be degraded, belittled and not valued by society without putting up a fight. Let me put it in plain English. We practice one of the oldest forms of drugs, self hatred.
Before you get upset think about this. When people hate themselves what do they usually do? They usually overcompensate in some other aspect in their life. Some of us will go overboard with our physical appearance; some will go overboard in their relationships with me while others will become aggressive to others.
Now think about the usual reality villains on television and answer these questions.
1. What woman openly decides to destruct a family by sleeping with a married man? A woman who hates herself enough who wants to seem powerful enough to break apart another women’s family.
2. What woman stays with a cheating man despite being blatantly disrespected? A woman who hates herself enough that her self esteem is non existent.
3. What woman allows a man to throw a drink on her but she still leaves in the same car with him that night? A woman who puts more value on her man being able to buy her another fur despite her losing her dignity.
4. What woman bullies another woman to the point that she takes her purse and refuses to return it? A woman whose so insecure about herself that she harasses innocent people to make herself feel better.
5. What women will sacrifice her own independence, dignity and well being to be with a man whose only value is that he’s famous? A woman who holds no value in herself.
6. What woman goes on social media (Twitter, Facebook, YouTube) and posts naked pictures of herself for attention? Someone is so broken that they only feel love when people are giving them attention.
These scenarios are the images that are displayed on reality television every week. These are the images our daughters and sons look at and attempt to emulate because society has told them it’s acceptable. These are the images that show the self hatred many of us have””for ourselves.
For the past ten years I’ve worked in public education, and I can’t tell you how many young girls look up to the women on these shows. Instead of talking out differences they fight””until blood is drawn just to prove that “they’re about that life” in the words of reality show criminal, Evelyn Lozada. Do you know how many times, I’ve had to counsel two young girls willing to date the same boy because they “love” him? Then there are the girls that I see on a daily basis who are willing to lose all their dignity just to be accepted in school? Contrary to most people’s thoughts, there are adult women whose goal in life is to be like these women. They are willing to live the life as a “baller” or a disgruntled wife, just to be connected to a celebrity so they can live the good life.
As I looked through my timeline on Twitter, it was ever so apparent that there were people who felt the opposite of me. They loved the show, the characters and even tweeted their support of the mistress or sympathized with staying with a man who cheated because they wanted to be a “ride or die” chick.
To go even further there are executives, writers, and producers on these shows who know the imagery they are displaying are horrible but they are willing to “sell their souls” for a profit or for the promise to advance their careers. They have no shame pimping this image for all our young girls to see.
READ PART I: VH1 HATES BLACK WOMEN
In the end, the only way we can stop self hate is to educate ourselves and our youth. We have to turn off the television and show our children that what they see on reality television is not real. However what is real is their mother’s struggle to make it in corporate America as a black woman. We have to let our daughter’s know that while beauty is important it will never make you a good person.
In addition, we have to continue to make these studios accountable and let them know that these stereotypes are not acceptable. Take a moment and boycott these shows, stop tweeting about this ratchetness, write letters to the advertisers demanding their ads be pulled. Push until we have a guarantee that reality shows that ONLY depict black women as violent, self absorbed “hotties” do not have a place on television. Demand that studios show more positive story lines for women of color. If we don’t we will have a whole generation of young, black girls who hate themselves.
Self hate is one powerful drug.
Veer powerful words and I can agree with you to some extent on everything that was said. You see a lot of people in the world will put their own emotion and the way they act out when faced with certain situations, on others. Not every woman who sleeps with a married man, has intentions on breaking up his family. Some dont even care enough about others to take the time to think that far ahead and give the family of the man they are sleeping with any thought at all. Some women will take a glass of liquor in the face and try to move forward with their husband because they believe so strongly in the vow ‘until death do us part’ that they are willing to put up with the ‘better and worse’ that is bound to afflict even the ‘happiest’ of married couples. I can sit here and try to explain a lot of other reasons that women will behave the way they do without hating themselves in the least… But instead I will say this, it is a very sad day indeed when the very people claiming to want to improve upon a certain situation begin to ‘constructively criticize’ using negativity, judgment, and condescending under current to do so. These women may have some adjustments or improvements that they may or may not need to make in their lives, but that is for them to decide and that is for them to do. In my whole time working in psychology I can tell you one very true fact, you never help by judging.
Thanks for sharing this on your blog. I never looked at those type of shows for the very reasons you just stated. It is degrading to women period. The fact that these women want to make a buck, and that is what these shows are about; making money by selling
souls, should tell you what is wrong with our society as a whole. Somehere in the article it was about beauty being important, yes, it is, but please note that it is what kind of beauty that is important. A person being beauty should always be the hidden person of her heart, not her clothes, hair weave, and make-up, now that is priceless!
Great Post Fran!
I stated this comment on FB last time in regards to this topic, everyone has a choice, those women have a choice, the executives have a choice, those parent(s) who allow their children to watch that show have a choice. How is it selling your soul to produce what the public pays to see? Everything in life is about choices I refuse to blame a network for what my child sees and does, that is asinine, I understand when they are in someone elses home, I can’t help it then, but when their with me, stuff like that is a big no no. Parents need to stop blaming the world for their slacking behavior, and no I don’t have any children, but from what I see, a lot of parents let the TV raise their children, so if they would stop allowing the TV to stop raising their kids and step up and take initiative, they wouldn’t have these issue. Why I can say that and don’t have have any kids of my own? I am a loving Aunt that looks after her nieces and nephews, that cares enough about their well being and development to point out things and voice my concerns.
I think the title “VH1 Hates Black Women” is a bit of a stretch, but I see your overall point. Every network that profits from women (of any race) who showcase self hate on national tv is a problem, but sex and drama is what sells and they are in the BUSINESS of making money. However, that does not mean women have to be in the business of self-degradation!
I find it funny that there is more talk about BBW and Love & Hip-Hop than there is about Cedric The Entertainer’s or Tia & Tamera’s shows which show men and women of color in a very positive light. Maybe networks don’t think black women watch and mimic grown women with businesses, families and high self esteem huh?!?! Point blank, as long as there’s someone out there who doesn’t mind showing their assets or ratchet behavior for attention (whether on tv or the streets), there will always be an audience. Why young girls and grown women are drawn to that type of behavior is another topic. But when you grow up seeing things being done a certain way, it becomes a part of you (ie, Tami from BBW and her constant tirade about where she has come from, how she used to be, etc.). This is why we have to make sure our girls grow up seeing other, more positive images of women to emulate. I remember complaining there were no positive black charcters for my daughter to watch/relate to while growing up, other than Raven-Symone and Keke Palmer, and now she’s supposed to transition from that to watching women like Evelyn, Tami, Joseline and Mimi?? I THINK NOT!!!
But of course, that’s my job as a parent to make sure she understands the difference between real women with healthy self-esteem and entertainment whores that only exist to make a quick buck from their 15 minutes of fame!
I agree with you to the point that these reality shows do portray black woman horribly. But I dont think it is just VH1. I think that there is an entire system in place and VH1 is just a part of this system. However, the network has to take responsiblity for the content that it produces. And yes, these woman are not forced into the situation. That fact still does not negate the responsibility of the network. I dont think the author is trying to say that the women on the show are bad people, its just that all the negativity is not healthy. Its especially not healthy for young, impressionable minds, who think that this is ok. We have to ask ourselves this, what would a people that are native to america think about black people as a whole by viewing this type of material?
In this same vain, we must commend production companies such as “Good Clean Fun”, which produced shows like’s Run’s House, Daddy’s Little Girls, Tia and Tamera, etc. They demonstrate that it is not necessary to participate in this foolishness of stereotype perpetuation in order to make successful, relevant reality tv shows about black Americans.
Another case of defensiveness and lack of accountability………SMH.
Hi, You make some good points, however it is ulitimately up to parents to teach our children that what they see on tv is there for entertainment purposes. Our children should be taught at an early age that their heros and the people they emulate should not be tv characters. We as parents should have a presence so significant in our children life’s that even if they do watch these shows they know the difference in what is the proper way to behave and what is not. I do not think it is self hatred that these women display but that they are doing what brings ratings and money because it is a business that they are in. Although negativity is displayed on these shows if the research is shown all of these women are business woman who are involved in positive organizations outside of this television show. At the end of the day who are we to judge any of them because I am sure we have all fallen short of doing and displaying the proper behavior at some point in time. When emotions get in involved or take control anything can occur.
I loved the first part, and I love this one too.
I work in the field of mental health, and from my experience (and via research studies) much of many adult presenting problems (i.e. depression, anxiety, low self esteem/self efficacy) has much to do with feeling as though they’re lacking something and/or have missed a vital relationship during their childhood. Women react different than men, and the main way women react is via attachment issues. They’re willing to accept negativity and disrespect in order to feel that attachment, which was 99.9% not present during their childhood. That’s why it’s very imperative for children to receive the desired love, affection, and attention early on in order to prevent them from seeking for it as an adult.
What woman watches this tacky show with any hopes that “characters” won’t act bitchy? Don’t blame VH1 blame yourself for giving it time out of your day.