One piece of advice everyone gives is, “Don’t argue in front of the kids.”
And I stick to that. Most of the time.
The truth is, my husband and I don’t really argue in front of the kids. But until recently, they definitely saw my eye rolls or exaggerated sighs or my husband’s reluctance to answer me when I asked him a straightforward question. We might not have been yelling and screaming at each other, but I think those small little expressions still count.
I have to keep in mind that I’m teaching them how to love. Whatever I say or do and whatever my husband does, it gives them a blueprint.
“This is how a man/woman is supposed to talk to you.”
“This is how you act when you have a disagreement in your relationship.”
“This is what you do when you have big decisions to make.”
“This is what love looks like.”
I want them to leave my house with a good idea of what a loving, respectful relationship looks like. To miss some of the hard lessons I had to learn. To get them in a committed relationship (if that’s what they so choose) with the least amount of bruises and baggage possible. Is that unrealistic?
I’ve been working on myself and my marriage. Trying to eliminate some of those negative behaviors I find myself clinging to year after year. Not just for their sake, but my sake.
“Happily ever after” wasn’t easy for us after our first unplanned pregnancy. I had no idea how to be married. I fumbled my way through a lot of difficult situations.
I realize I enjoy having my husband on this ride. I like him a lot. I like being with him. I’m trying to be conscious of how I talk to him, interact with him, if I brush off his compliments or neglect him while I’m working. I’m much more aware of how I make my requests.
And you know what? We’re a work in progress. But what marriage isn’t? All I know is we’re doing the best we can to make this relationship work. We have disagreements like any other couple and we’ve come a long way in terms of 1) how long it takes us to resolve a conflict 2) how respectful we are toward each other while doing so and 3) not arguing about every little thing (picking our battles). I hope my kids see how much work goes into a marriage, but also how great the rewards are.
Do you feel confident about the relationship blueprint you’re leaving your kids?
Niambi says
Thank you for this post! I agree that you should not argue in front of the children. I grew up in a household in which there was domestic violence and as a child I learned that when you are angry you use “cuss words” to indicate the severity of my anger and this has followed me into adulthood. I had to be cleansed of this inappropriate language and through my relationship with Christ, I learned how it can be replaced with loving words and how to have forgiveness in my heart. That was not proper teaching that I received as a child and as a result, I will not cuss at my children. I will share with them that there are “intelligent” words to use when you would like to express how you are feeling and to also be mindful of the kind of words you use when talking with someone. As the saying goes, you get more bees with honey than with vinegar! lol
Niambi says
I just wanted to add that it is true when they say that children are like sponges. Even if you don’t use cuss words, they can pick up on your manerisms especially when the husband and wife are disrespectful to eachother. The parents must be the “bigger persons” and try their hardest to keep private conversations behind closed doors. I know it’s probably easier said than done but if the parents excuse themselves in front of the children to have a conversation in the bedroom or set aside time to discuss certain matters when the children are not around, it would be more beneficial to the enviornment in which you are raising your children
Ronnie_BMWK says
Great post Tara…and you are right..the kids are soaking it all in..even when you think they are not – – they are. They see your mannerisms and they can pick up on your mood or the tension in the air.
You provided a great reminder for us to be respectful to each other.
MrsJ. says
I have a different take. I think your children should see you argue, nothing excessive and nothing abusive of course, but you are their role models. Marriage isn’t perfect because we aren’t perfect. Your children learn by example. If you are in a healthy relationship, having a respectful argument in front of your children can teach them fairness, the willingness to listen to your spouse and the willingness to openly address issues as they come up…at least that’s what I got from my parents.
My mom used to tell me all the time that knowing we were in the next room or even in the same room kept her and daddy from having knock down drag outs and in essence taught them “how to fight fairly” because they were responsible for teaching us about the good, bad and the ugliness of life and they didn’t want the bad and ugly to outweigh the good. On more than one occasion I saw my parents go from simmer to almost boiling, check themselves, and get back to a low simmer discussion. My mom says that it taught her not to let anger and disrespect steal her words and that has always stuck with me.
Everyone learns how to argue or disagree differently but I feel that parents, if in healthy relationships, are our first teachers. You can’t learn how to do something the right way unless you see it being done and to me that includes arguing with your spouse.
Onedestiny777 says
@ MrsJ – Excellent perspective. I remember seeing my parents fight in unhealthy ways but then my grandparents argued in what I perceived to be healthy ways (in that I always felt things would be ok and safe even when they were disagreeing). To this day I still admire and take lessons from my grandparents marriage. I take lessons from my parents marriage too, but mainly take the things I don’t want to do in my marriage from what they did when they were young. Things got better for my parents, and they are still married today, but their unhealthy argument patterns were NOT a good foundation for me or my siblings… but God. I was blessed to see both sides of arguing in front of kids, and that is my perspective. My husband and I today have healthy ways of resolving arguments that do not include disrespect and certainly not violence. I thank God for that!!!
Gary Robinson says
I agree with the overall assertion that spouses should not argue in front of the kids. But… I would offer this slight change in the suggestion. Spouses should not disagree with each other in front of the kids, and more specifically as it relates to the kids.
Although I want my kids to have a positive view of marriage, I also want them to have a realistic view of it. I think both spouses should be aware of what they show their kids and consider the lessons they teach. If we argue about something minor, no big deal. That is real conversation sometimes. But it is also important for the kids to see how the issue is resolved as well.
Meccajm122 says
Your children should see some disagreements so they can learn conflict resolution. I think it is highly unrealistic to appear as if everything is fine all the time. Unfortunately, my husband and I did have a shouting match in front of our children but we apologized to them and they witnessed us apologize in front of one another. It is very important for them to see us handle things in a mature manner and agree to disagree in a respectful way. We are adamant about showing our children how you should respect your spouse and it is hard work because we never saw the healthy male – female dynamic growing up. Reason being, he comes from a family where mom had no say so and dad was controlling and I come from a line of single Black women who had no respect for their men and controlled everything. It is hard work but we know better and we are definitely doing so. Blessings to all!