Did you know that people are watching and listening to the things you say and actions you take regarding your marriage? Your children, other family members and friends all get their basic views of marriage from those they know that are married. There are already such negative viewpoints on marriage, especially in our communities. What insight will your actions give others about the type of marriage you have? Are you the type of spouse that frequently complains about what’s not working in your marriage to anyone who will listen? If so, I am going to ask you nicely to stop.
So marriages aren’t perfect, and things won’t always go the way we think they should. You may not be having the amount of sex you expected or asking your spouse to share in the household chores is becoming cumbersome. I get that. But let’s stop ratting out our marriages especially if we haven’t first had the necessary conversations with our spouses to improve the situation. In every other situation in our life (work, family and even in friendships) we experience disappointment. Yet, we continue to show up and expect the best in those situations; why not in our marriage? Even with our jobs, you’ll hear us complain, but then we quickly remember the reason we stay and highlight that to others by saying things like “but, the pay is good, or the hours aren’t bad, or at least I have cool co-workers.” But with marriage, there is normally only the complaint left as the lasting impression to the people we whine to.
When being honest about marriage, naturally it’s not all roses, but it certainly isn’t all thorns either. I’m suggesting sharing the good also. Even when you share the negative, be honest about your own contribution to improving your marriage. Take ownership of your half of the relationship. Consider the results of speaking ill about your marriage and the effects it has on those listening. Some will be completely turned off. Others will repeat what they’ve heard. The negative conversations on marriage can easily become someone’s expectation when they enter into the same situation and some will act based on those expectations ruining their marriage from the start.
Here is my challenge to married couples: wear your marriage well. Be proud to be married. Highlight the positives. When something great happens, share that with those watching you. Whenever you were able to successfully overcome a hurdle, explain how you did it. Allow others to hear positive stories about your marriage not just the negative. When there is that desire to vent, use a different approach. Explain that disagreements are normal in any relationship, but the way in which you handle them makes the difference. Avoid describing marriage as hard work. Rather, describe it as requiring love, commitment, time and positive energy, but the result that all of that brings is worth it.
Gozi says
Well said! thank you
Athelda Ensley says
We’ve learned this lesson over the past 19 years of marriage. I think the influence that a couple has on others is absolutely paramount. It’s true that we are outside-of-the-box in many areas, but trying to be “real” examples is important in a culture where many don’t see any.
Tiya says
Athelda, I totally agree. We have to show it more often.
Doubeu says
This is one if THE best articles i’ve read on this site!!! You sound like me!!!
Tiya says
Thank you!
Strongrelationships says
VERY WELL SAID! We always speak positively about our marriage and one another and this is good advice.
Tiya says
Thank you. I am happy to hear that.
Ronnie_BMWK says
Awesome article!!!
Tiya says
Thank you!
lovinglife says
Love this! I’ve only been married a year so I get a lot of couples that have been married longer say things like “oh you’re still in the honeymoon phase” when I say how much I love my hubby! I know it won’t always be ‘happy happy joy joy’ but I refuse to accept the negativity and will continue to praise God for my marriage and His purpose for our lives.
sharhonda epperson says
thanks i do that alot complain and i a going to work o thi smore, i have started working on it but i can try harder i guess! thanks again
Jacque Thomas says
thank you, very well said
Asti Plear says
Being the type to complain at percieved marital dissapointments, this outlook is very useful & applicable. Of course I’ve heard the “look on the bright side” & “stay optimistic” approaches, but this article has a more realistic perspective of marriage issues that I needed to hear today. Thanks for this helpful article & keep up the good work.
Tiya says
Thank you!
Briana Myricks says
Great points! I admit, I’ll complain about things that bother to me to others (mainly my mom and my best friend) before talking to my husband about it. I do it mostly for feedback, but that’s hindering an opportunity to communicate with my husband. Definitely a work in progress.
Awa2005a says
this is soooo true…..