by Hayden Greene (https://nekkidmaninsuit.blogspot.com)
I love my wife and she loves me. When we go out into the public, that fact is pretty obvious. Also, because we have a similar sense of humor, we seems to enjoy each other’s company. My wife is pretty independent in the same way that I am so we also don’t have to be stuck up under each other at events either. Generally, you don’t get sick of us being all lovey dovey in public to prove that we’re happy together. We both are also business-minded people so we also rely on logic to run our household, which makes it seem efficient in people’s eyes.
Why am I saying all of this? Well, rest assured that I am not trying to toot my own horn. In fact, just the opposite! All of the aforementioned things have led people to dub our marriage as “perfect” and there are people who use my wife and I as the standard for what a good Black marriage/family should be. These are not my descriptors: we have been told this many times. It’s flattering and we are honored that people look at us in that fashion at all. We appreciate the love. But here’s the kicker: we not perfect…at all. We fight, I get on her nerves and she annoys the crap outta me as well. We disagree on a great many things. Sometimes we disagree amiably and then other times we’re childish. But in our eyes, that’s a real marriage. The good and the bad. We just do a really good job of not putting our business on “front street” (aside from this blog, of course).
That brings me to the “perfect marriage” moniker. That’s a heavy title to wear because there is a lot of pressure to not destroy people’s images. There are days that we are having a bad time and rather than expose people to that side of our love, we choose to stay home. Don’t get me wrong””we don’t sit around and say, “Can you act like a loving couple at this event? No? Alright, we’re staying home!” But it’s in the back of our mind. People are watching us, whether we like it or not and if we falter, there are ramifications.
My current marriage is my second. My fraternity brother and I separated from our respective wives within a year of each other for very different reasons. We have a third brother who is close to both of us and has told me that he is now afraid to get married because he watched the marriage of two couples, whom he thought were solid, dissolve in front of him. He is now watching my current marriage as proof as to whether it (marriages) can actually work for people like him and I. That’s a lot of pressure!
On the other hand, it’s a lot of incentive. The flip side of this is that keeping up with that image encourages us to be the best couple that we can be so that there are good images of Black marriages for people like our daughter to refer to. And not just Hollywood couples like Will and Jada or Ozzie and Ruby Dee who aren’t accessible to them but real folk down the block from them. I love the fact that the neighborhood kids love our family and greet us with, “Hi Mr. Greene, hi Mrs. Greene, hi Baby Clarke!” Its very Norman Rockwell and I think that’s important for kids to see as an option for their future. You can’t ascribe to something that you have never seen.
I guess the bottom line is that my family appreciates the love that we get from everyone and keep holding us to a high standard. It sets the bar for us to live up to and helps us to be excellent, even if some days my wife hates me for not taking out the garbage!
Hayden Greene is a photographer, educator, writer and self-proclaimed nerd. He blogs about his New York experiences and adventures in fatherhood. He is also the husband of Aisha Greene, who shared her thoughts on the “perfection perception” that plagues many happily married couples. Read her take on the subject here.
Loved the insight! My husband and I have the same moniker with a lot of our friends and family. I try to nip that preconcieved notion in the bud quick, fast and in a hurry. We have issues…but as you said, we do NOT air them in public. Some may think that is a facade, but I just think that our LOVE is stronger than any disagreement or issues we may have and it outshines them. Thanks so much for writing this!
Loved the insight! My husband and I have the same moniker with a lot of our friends and family. I try to nip that preconcieved notion in the bud quick, fast and in a hurry. We have issues…but as you said, we do NOT air them in public. Some may think that is a facade, but I just think that our LOVE is stronger than any disagreement or issues we may have and it outshines them. Thanks so much for writing this!
Great article! My wife and I get hit with that too. We joke that maybe we are not doing it right. We always hear about problems that family and friends have. Most of the time I can’t relate to anything that they are saying. Don’t get me wrong we didn’t just arrive here. We went through some significant growth but all this happened before we got married. We have disagreements here and there but nothing major. It’s just funny how people try and justify not doing something on the actions of others such as marriage and church. Do it because you want to or don’t because you don’t feel like it. Just own it. Wayne Gretzy said “He missed 100% of the shots he didn’t take.” I can’t live in fear and what ifs.
Great article! My wife and I get hit with that too. We joke that maybe we are not doing it right. We always hear about problems that family and friends have. Most of the time I can’t relate to anything that they are saying. Don’t get me wrong we didn’t just arrive here. We went through some significant growth but all this happened before we got married. We have disagreements here and there but nothing major. It’s just funny how people try and justify not doing something on the actions of others such as marriage and church. Do it because you want to or don’t because you don’t feel like it. Just own it. Wayne Gretzy said “He missed 100% of the shots he didn’t take.” I can’t live in fear and what ifs.
I just love my husband… that’s all *blows a kiss*
And I love you too! Jairo: I loved that phrase “significant growth”. That’s what relationships are: a growth process. Thanks for the love everyone!
Excellent Post! The problem with the whole perfect marriage thing is when the bottom falls out the couple has the tendency to want to keep it together longer than need be just to keep up appearances. The so called perfect couple likely does a lot of damage control to keep the truth from bursting at the seam, and it’s not always to protect the marriage per se, but to protect the image of the marriage. When how you seem becomes more important than how you are, you’ve officially reached the realm of being phony. By no means am I advising that couples put their business in the streets, but to a degree some couples need to be honest with themselves about how much of the image they are projecting to the world is really real and how much of it is just an attempt to appear like they have it together. Couples wear mask too. I’ve been with my husband for 17 years and I love him to peices, but to date marriage has been thee most humbling experience I’ve ever been through. By no means would I want to give anybody the impression of perfection, because that would be a lie. Perfect marriages do not exist. What we have is beautiful, it’s real and it’s blessed and I much rather be described that way because it keeps me humble and it allows for error. I don’t know, but there’s just something about the word perfect that lacks humility….
Yes yes yes…. In my article I mentioned that it does apply extra weight on not appearing to crumble. It also makes it difficult to have people to talk to because the thinking is – why are YOU coming for advice… aren’t you super married heroes? Well – no. We are people and our marriage needs nurturing just like everyone else.
Very great articles from you and your wife. I can totally relate to the pressures associated with living up to other peoples perceptions of your “perfect” marriage. Some days its overwhelming because I dont want to be the reason why my single girlfriends decide that marriage isnt a great option. Whew, the pressure, the pressure!
Thanks to you and Aisha for being transparent for a moment. 🙂
Our pleasure! I think we always thought we were transparent but probably not!
I luv it I JUST luv it!!!! Again, sounds like my husband & I!!! You guys ROCK!!!!! Continue to do YOU (as a couple)!!! Many blessings!
The pressure is definitely on but I’m so glad you and your wife are taking the responsibility anyways! It’s also good to see that sometimes the first marriage doesn’t work but the second one can!
It can sometimes be hard to be the second wife (that’s another article) but practice makes more perfect in this instance!