Jealousy, anger, complacency, revenge and fatigue are just a few of the actions that creep into our homes, take over our bodies and prevent our ability to connect physically. These actions also prevent our marriages from producing the joy that they should.
All of these behaviors may make for a great mini-series on Lifetime television, but not one of these has any right to dwell in a marriage.
Jealousy, which can show up in a couple of different ways, cripples a relationship. It can appear when we’re jealous of another person getting our spouse’s attention, or when we’re envious of our spouse’s success. Sometimes we don’t realize how to handle the emotions that surface. When they do appear they show up in the form of disagreements, ineffective communication or no communication at all; which all directly affect our desire to be intimate. If our focus is on worrying about whom else might draw our spouse’s attention, then our spouse is no longer our primary focus. We must bring our concentration back to making the marriage the absolute best it can be. Trusting in the fact that our spouse chose us for a reason is critical.
Anger is damaging whether it shows up in a marriage or in other parts of our lives. Those who hold on to anger and use it to hurt other people are sabotaging their own joy and peace of mind. Of course, when we are angry, the very last thing we want to do is be touched or held by our mates. We won’t pretend or even suggest that we never get angry. It isn’t realistic. But what if we controlled the anger instead of allowing it to control us. First, determine what made us so angry and why it did, then address it with our partner. We’re going to get angry, but we must have solutions in place so that we aren’t holding on to it and letting it destroy what we’ve built.
Complacency is one of the most common reasons we miss opportunities to physically love on our spouses. Couples get comfortable with one another and for some odd reason think we no longer have to try as hard. This is FALSE. We have to work even harder; we can’t allow complacency to prevent us from putting effort into creating a happy, healthy partnership. Keep the results in mind. You get back what you put in.
Revenge is a big no-no in marriage. Some of us are using sex as a weapon or as a power tool to get what we want or get even. I am urging anyone who does that to stop it, and stop it now. Our intimate connections are for both partners enjoyment, not to be held over the head of the other.
Fatigue is the most legit reason our intimacy suffers. Work and family life will both definitely play a role in how we physically feel. In order to not feel so overwhelmed, we must delegate and ask for help when we need it. Sharing with our spouse that we need help in certain areas creates an honesty, and an open line of communication, resulting in a greater connection in the end.
The above are just a few of the things that affect our relationships. We have to make love and loving on our spouse a number one priority. The more connected we are the better we feel, and our marriages deserve the best from us.
BMWK, what do you feel affects a couple’s intimacy and what can we do about it?
Another great article Tiya! I think that as a couple “age” or progress in life, they may find that fatigue & complacency are the main factors. I also think that jealousy, anger and revenge may be reasons that affect a younger couple’s frequency.
Great point! Thank you.
Safety. Physical intimacy is an overflow or expression of intact emotional and mental intimacy. People can only keep up the farce for so long. Women normally cave in this area first. If a wife is truly using sex as a weapon in her arsenol then her husband is using something as well. They are probably in a heated war or cold war depending on the length of their marriage. Neither of them is going to put down their tools first, if so they would have done it and there would be no need for this article or website for that matter. I don’t believe that most husbands really want their wives to just engage in sexual activity as if to be a semen receptacle. He probably not only wants the act but, to be persued and desired. Most women have had it drilled into their heads the importance of sex in their marriage relationship and the devastating effects of the lack of it. I would hope that married women are not truly foolish enough to think that they can pick up a red hot coal to toss at their spouse and not end up with some higher degree burns in the process. If sex was the only problem then why is it when a married person has an extramarital affair does the new person who must have met their initial sexual needs not stand the test of time, or the next one, or the one after the divorce it final, or even the new spouse for that matter. I would venture to believe it is because that person carried THEMSELVES into the new relationship and started the cycle of destruction all over again! It is important to relay that simply having more sex to ‘fix’ a lack of sex problem is a kin to taking Tylenol to ‘fix’ the elevated temp related to an appendicitis. It may decrease the fever for a while but without getting to the source of the problem and fixing it first and allowing that healing to naturally take care of the fever, the appendics will get worse and worse until it ruptures and then you’re dead just like in a marriage. Let’s try to be careful not to oversimplify this deep problem with a quick fix. (no pun intended) Rebuttles, responses, non-violent objections please? 🙂
I agree, husbands do want to be pursued and desired; as they should be. Everyone should feel wanted. It is my hope that we examine these behaviors, discuss them and see if and how they are showing up and affecting our marriages and take immediate action. Intimacy is about more than just sex.
Great article again, and I do believe all the points you stressed are very valid. I do believe in some and not all the sex is used as a weapon, by not just wives….(well most of the time) bbut husbands as well. Anger does bring on a sense of not being intimate and it’s usually because of ineffective or non communication. The slightest disagreement can lead to a month long of non intimacy, which shouldn’t happen. Each person is entitled to their own opinion, however if that opinion is not mutual, that doesn’t mean that resentiment and anger should creep in. All in all, I feel that intimacy between couples should be a great experience, however having sex just to have sex to satisfy your spouse is the worst sex to have.
Thank you Jaye! I completely agree, sex just to please your partner never pays off in the long run. It will definitely do more harm than good. Great point!
When your hurt, hurt people like to hurt people, be it intentionally or unintentionally
Then it becomes a tug of war because they can’t get past the hurt so they pull back taking any kind of intimacy with them saying they just need time to process or work it out all the while division and seperation creeps in ready to devour a marriage, so communication is key and counseling.
True! I’m just so worn out by the end of the day and so busy with kids and school and work…it’s hard to not pass out! I wish I had a solution.
One thing I have learned is never hold out on your partner/ spouse because of a disagreement/or argument, that stays outside the bedroom, in fact being able to make love/or have sex could be a advantage to either one of you, the reason this is a pluse in the marriage/ relationship is because you both are more ceptable to opening up and listen to each other it allows you to get closer and more understandable to what ever your disagreement/ issue/ problem / decision was prior to making love. Truth be told love making is a beautiful yet skill art which allows a lot of benefits in the marriage/ relationship, no lie it has been very benefital for both of us. I have held back and wen we made up and I allowed the intimacy to come forwarded it made me realize how in error I was and how stressful and hurtful it made him, I have learned my lesson, I have even taught a few myself the true lesson of love making is not hold out by using intimacy as a weapon but applying it as part of true love Thur the good and the bad. God did say in genesis 50:20 he would take a bad thing and make it good, boye was he right. Marriage principles is base on intimacy alone with other things. People don’t marry or sign up for curity nor for punishment, so be wise and keep those blessings going/ coming make time. You won’t regret it, in fact at my /our meanest angerest times that’s when we needed intimacy the most it changed our atmosphere it was all worth it. I hope others people/ readers will apply this to their life’s, everyone wants to be desired/ appreciate and needed. God bless! Cassandra Nelson