Now before you head straight to the comments section to each give me a “You tell ’em, girl!” or a “Women be tripping,” hear me out for a minute.
I’ve noticed that when our sex life is purring, our house is cleaner. We divide much more of the housework evenly. My husband kicks me out of the house so I can have “me time.” I’m less frustrated and stressed. We don’t bicker as much. In short, when our bedroom activities are on point, so is our marriage.
But see, it’s a Catch-22. Because in order for me to really feel like my best sexual self, I need to feel good about our marriage and my husband’s appreciation of my role in it. I need to see him loading the dishwasher or asking me if I need anything before he heads to the store. I need him to give me a back massage just ’cause, not with the intention of getting me in the mood. In short, I need our marriage to be on point so our bedroom activities can be on point.
So I ask – what comes first: regular sex or a husband who is tuned into my needs? Is he tuned into my needs because HIS needs are getting met? Even though I don’t think physical touch is one of my main love languages…maybe it really is? We’ve all heard that men can be turned on by the sight of anything, whereas women need to be in the mood for a lil’ loving before a lil’ loving can happen.
As I approach five years in this marriage, I’m amazed by all the lessons I’m learning about how to keep our twosome tight. And by far, the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that if we’re cranky and pissy with each other, it’s probably because we haven’t been having enough sex. There’s something about physical connectedness that gives our relationship a boost. If we’ve gone a week without cuddling in bed, without holding hands as we drive somewhere, without giving each other a hug after work, then it shows in how we treat each other. So we have to build in those opportunities for touching in all our interactions if we want to keep the peace and continue to grow with each other.
Let’s hear what you have to say, BMWK family. What comes first – a great sex life or a loving marriage? Can you have one without the other?
I can’t get my husband to understand how much more having a stable physical relationship can help our marriage. We’ve gone 6 months sometimes without so much as an intimate touch. We’ve been married for 6 yrs, together for 9. How do you help a man understand that a touch can make a HUGE difference, and it doesn’t always have to lead to sex?
First prayer. Then keep talking to him. Find different ways of explaining your point. Sometimes different examples may help. I’ve had to use all the above and more to explain the same to my ribDonor, as Physical Touch is the last thing on his Love Languages, but in the top of mine. And remember it takes time. We’re about 11 years in, and we’re still working on being consistent in communicating to each other in ways that are meaningful to the recipient, not just the “speaker”.
Excellent feedback Mochazina
Sometimes you have to take the lead. Put your head on his shoulder as you sit on the couch together. Grab his hand when you’re out and about. Give him a back rub unexpectedly. And yes, have lots and lots of sex. I find when we haven’t been having a lot of sex, he’s more likely to try to get any little touch from me to lead to sex.
What man wouldn’t want his woman?
No offense but are you overweight?
Maybe increasing your physical activity out of the bedroom will improve things inside the bedroom.
Assuming that she is overweight is quite a big assumption. Possible, but it really could be a LOT of other things too.
And everyone isn’t turned off by overweight bodies.. Some people like it!
I agree. As wives we can be quickly taken for granted, especially if we aren’t taking care of our bodies and minds first. A wife and mother that takes care of herself physically and mentally will constantly turn her husband on. No touch for 6months or even a month for that matter is unhealthy in a marriage. Red flag.
This is so true.
There’s no such thing as which comes first. A wife should do what she does out of love and so should the husband. I know easy said than done but it can be done. When one continues to do what their suppose to do regardless of the actions of the other, God will reward you and help your spouse see the need and possess the love to give you that extra you’re asking for.
@Tameca – I always approach my husband out of love, but like I said in the article, I like to feel appreciated/supported before I truly feel sexy. And that is just a fact. Compromise is wonderful in a marriage, but both parties need to be able to speak their truth before you can reach it.
As a man let me tell you things go a whole lot better in my marriage when the sex is regular and if you ask most men they will tell you the same thing.
What do you do when the woman wants it more than he does?
You thank God!
Agree with article 100%…
Care to elaborate, Steve? 🙂
The Book of Broadnax states that communication is the foundation to every relationship. In subscribing to that philosophy (in order to make a husband act right), we must understand that every couple does not have the same communication style or love language. Bringing them into frequency-the bitchassness, the brow beating communicating only creates static interference. We must be willing to genuinely listen, provide authentic feedback, and because we say we love, be willing to compromise or sacrifice. It is in those acts that your partner creates a willingness to accommodate you. Great husbands are made not born.
Great sex is only achieved through great communication. When a man recognizes that he must first please to be please, he will understand his position in the relationship. Meaning, men must be aware of their partners communication style and once that is achieved, he will understand and witness that his partner is turned on before entering the bedroom. For when men realize that washing her car will lead to a great dinner, washing the dishes will lead to a great massage, and great cunnilingus leads to great felicio you then can achieve a great marriage.
You will notice that we didnt say regular sex because regular sex will leave you like Celie off the Color Purple who engaged in regular sex with mister. Regular sex is as fulfilling as masturbation, stop Im sorry, regular sex is a fulfilling as…no not that either regular sex is a job and is not fulfilling at all. Woman find your mans communication style and help him find yours, so that you may have a husband that understands your wants and desires and great sex will follow.
I LOVE YOUR RESPONSE! On point!
First I must say I’ve never read these articles before and I must say its quite a pleasant read. In practice numerous times when couples (married or in relationships) come to see me, they both struggle with communicating with each other. As you put in the article love languages. I find that numerous times both lack knowledge of their own languages of communication, which ultimately leads to the confusion within the relationship communication patterns. Husbands can’t respond to thirty wives request because wives are not communicating to their husbands in his language. This occurs when husbands don’t teach their wives their language and vice versa. So when you ask which comes first I tend to believe they both happen at the same time, as they both are learning and teaching each other how to connect their words, thoughts, and feelings.
I appreciate the article and will continue to review and chime in. Thank you
This is so on point! This article is perfect & I also have to say they both happen at the same time because they go hand in hand.
We’ve been married for ten years. We have a 24 year old son (his step) and 11 and 4 year old daughters. Our sex life is almost non-exsistant! So I posed this question: “When we first got together, we we’re two freaky nymphos. So what happened?” His reply: “Well, we’ve done pretty much everything.” My rebuttal: “Yeah, but I still wanna do them!” His reply: “I guess I’m just content.” So my question is, is being “content” a good enough explanation for lack of sex? Should I stay horny and sexually frustrated and just be “content”? Sex is not the most important part of a marriage, but it is a big part. I’m well aware that if a marriage lasts long enough, the day will come when sex may not be possible for medical or physical reasons, but I wanna keep having it until that day! I’m only 44, I’m not ready to throw in the towel on sex!
Hi Kim,
I haven’t been married long & everything is Fantastic but I have certainly wondered what marriage looks like after 20 years. My heart goes out to you as I couldn’t imagine being in that position at such a young age. I’ve read that regular vacations, shared interest and physical fitness help keep the spark alive. That’s assuming prayer is already an active part of your relationship. We pray for the covenant of marriage regularly. Know that yours has been added to our prayer list.
Kim – my prayers go out to you. My best recommendation is if it is possible, get some alone time. If you can – get all the kids out of the house or better yet, plan an overnight adventure for the two of you. A change of scenery can do wonders to spark a fire. My husband and I don’t have the demands of children but we recognize that getting away brings us closer together and usually results in some pretty racy intimate time. Best wishes to you my sister.
Kimberly, I’m in the same boat. I’ve been married for 6 years but together for 15. I too asked the same questions and received the same reply. We have children but all are grown and gone. So we should be running around the house blessing every room like newly weds, but instead we have wham, bam, thank you maam! I’m still praying and faithful…been 2 years.
You shouldn’t have to “throw in the towel” at 44. In fact, for women, it’s REALLY on and poppin then! You are right that sex is ONLY a part of a marriage, but men and women prioritize it differently as we get older for differnet reasons. Being aware of those reasons and “going with the flow” is what can keep us ahead of the game and prepared for what is ahead. You may have to do weekend getaways with kids at home and mommy and daddy in the honeymoon suite swinging from chandaliers to get your groove back!!Get it in while you can still fit it in because by the time your 4 yr old is old enough to be away at college, you will be 60 and faced with a whole new set of circumstances as a “seasoned” woman. Pick that towel up, smack your hubby across the butt with it, pull him in and work him like the Mc Freakity freak with special sauce!!
The key to success in a relationship/marriage or any bond with one of the opposite sex, for that matter, is to accept that we ARE different in some ways. Sex and how we look at it in our lifestyles is a major difference for us. We fight it and get frustrated when things don’t go our way, but the bottom line is that estrogen and testosterone make us view sex and react to it much differently and ironically, each gender would love for the other to take a long look at how they view it and stay on that side of the fence for the duration. I took a peek and quite honestly, it’s not as bad as women might think and men that I have interviewed that have “given in to their yin” have revealed that how we deal with sex is not a bad deal either! So, if we strive for yin/yang balance, then we should be prepared with the necessary tools to achieve a healthy sexual relationship as long as we don’t fall back into “hormonal selfishness”. If however, we get too caught up in either of our hormonal ways, we will forever be like the polarities on a magnet that never click! Good luck with THAT!! We were born and blessed with the desires for it and it is that desire that not only conencts us to God, but new creations come about as a result of it…children! What a blessing! So, I say again…embrace your horniness!!! Love it and have fun with it with your man! There is no better feeling than having a compatible person you can be totally FREE with verbally, emotionally and yes…SEXUALLY!!! So if your surroundings or dynamics of your household has changed, change with it! Get a room and be the nymphs with each other you were meant to be! Live in the now and enjoy your man!!! Rock his world at 44 and give him even more to look forward to at 64!!!
Shoot we haven’t been married 2 years yet and we are already there. Now what? Forever is a long time to be like this…
I have been married 18 years, together, 25. We still have sex a couple of times a week or more. My husband is 50. My first question is how old is your husband? Is it possible that he has some medical issues that need to be addressed? You know our men in general don’t get medical attention unless you force them. Also, remember that men like to be romanced and flattered. Go the extra mile, plan a romantic outing and figure out what it takes to get him in the mood.
Usually the two go together – but he must be acting right first. I am open to sex all the time, anytime, but my desire is impacted by his behavior – mostly his moods. If he is moody for no reason – it is an impediment….but if he initiates, i am still down. But when he is being kind and attentive – desire increases and so does the sex usually. If we go longer than a week – somebody is sick or something. We try to have super sex weekends where we spend one weekend day just making love as often as we feel like it in 24 hours. Usually makes up for any lost time during the work week.
A “super sex weekend”? *jots that idea down* I love it!
Bartering the sex or using it as a reward or bargaining chip based on good behavior is not the move. However, quite frankly, it is not cool to give of oneself sexually out of obligation – reagardless of how our mate treats us or the relationship. Period
If he is more mature, acting right comes first. If she is more mature, regular sex comes first.
I guess it depends on who is defining a husband who “acts right” and by what motives.
If the definition of “acts right” means he falls in line with what she wants, is bent to her will, then that’s a recipe for failure and resentment.
But if acts right means he’s following God’s plan for marriage and family (notice I said God’s plan, not some whacked interpretation) and she is offering him the measure of grace and love she would also like to get from him when she falls short, then I think you can build something.
Seems there is too much, “I gotta train/civilize my man” and too little praying that he becomes the man that God wants him to be and that his wife becomes the worthy vessel God would have her be.
Having been married 8 yrs and now 9 mos pregnant w/baby number 5, (the third daughter), I can honestly say, that sexual intimacy is not the only thing that a husband needs. He needs to feel honored and respected and desired by his wife at all times. It just so happens that physical intimacy is one of the loudest languages that he hears that in. Though I have had to let God repair my heart and soul so that I can love my husband as a true man of God and bless him, it was worth it to consider his challenge that I in fact did not initiate sexual intimacy as often as he did, though I desired it just as much. Learning how to open the door for sexual intimacy w/my husband more often has made us more playful and our relationship more youthful. Also, my pregnancy is super-healthy. I Praise God because in all of this my husband has become the greatest minister in my life, next to my Father God, and he puts up the food w/o my asking, fixes things, and shows me much love. Long story short, what I’m saying is that a “wife” who acts right comes first before regular sex. Sex can’t be predicated upon whether or not the husband does dishes or washes clothes. It’s intimacy, like worship is unto God, and it is due benevolence, that comes from the heart of the partners. If the wife’s heart is tender and patient, willing to serve, and she has a husband who has a general intention to love her and not “dog” her, then her love will be reciprocated. If both are ministers, don’t fear “defiling” your spouse with too much sex. My husband and I are both ministers and when he feels loved, respected, honored, and desired by me my husband is more intentional to enter into the presence of God, as God’s love is shown to him even through me. After he prays, he gets up, and he cleans up our home without me ever having to ask him. Christ does the work in his heart as I allow Christ to do the work in mine.
Precious…I can relate to you 100%, I am at the beggining stages of the “Though I have had to let God repair my heart and soul so that I can love my husband as a true man of God and bless him.” I thank you for your post. I actually have seen a rescue light approach my small island. I am not alone. God Bless you!
I see no difference, I was cheated on in my marriage, at first I was bitter but now it was over a year ago. She has now found a new respect for me, the sex is there but I have become immune to it. I continue to provide be a diligent dedicated father and move forward in day to day activity.
As a 16 year marriage veteran, I can say that both regular sex and EACH partner being on point in the relationship is vital. I say this because of my recent experience. My marriage was going through a storm that was leading to a divorce, but my wife and I caught ourselves, we asked if the problem we were facing was actually the problem. We sought out a therapist and realized that regular sex WAS an issue, but we had stopped because EACH of us was not meeting other relationship needs (other than sex) that were important to the other. What made it even worse was we never talked about those needs, so lack of communication lead to resentment. Resentment lead to apathy. But once we got to the root of the problem, we made a commitment not to neglect each others relationship needs. After that, our sex-life was rekindled. So. . .
I came across the article, not on my own, but my wife left it up. I can definitely agree with alot of which is being said. Me and my wife both work different schedules, (I work days, she works nights), and with one kid already in the house and another on the way….a lot of the intimacy we shared has not been around. Granted, I have my own faults in regards to that – one of them being due to a bit of insecurity on my part (I’ve always been somewhat shy when it comes to the intimate/sexual side of things and I hate the idea of not being able to simply please her…which leads to me hating myself but that’s a therapy session for another day) and even though I would kiss her every morning before i left work, I feel that it has become more routine than it is “intimate” or showing how much she really means to me. I’m hoping that once we go into a situation with her being at home with the kids and me working, we are able to get on the right path and be less cranky that we’ve been lately.