It’s almost like you can’t open an internet browser without stumbling over a natural hair care blog. From Curly Nikki to Afrobella, black women are leaving the chemicals behind in droves and rocking what God gave ’em.
I started transitioning to a natural hair style in 2007 after I found out I was pregnant with my son. I didn’t want to get a relaxer while I was pregnant, and when I really stopped to think about it, why not just go natural altogether? I didn’t even remember what my natural hair texture looked or felt like, so why not give it a shot?
I did the Big Chop a month after my son was born, tired of trying to blend the two textures””the bone straight permed ends and the curly fro underneath, dying to be free. I chopped all but three inches of my hair off while my husband was at work. He came home and studied my new ‘do.
Admittedly, he told me in the beginning of our relationship that he preferred long hair on women. Now I was standing in front of him with a small halo of curls where my shoulder-length hair used to be.
He smiled and said he liked it. But that was it. In the malls, in the stores, in the park, black women came up to me and gave me compliments. But my husband didn’t really say anything else to me one way or the other. I wondered if he really liked the hairstyle or he was just trying to spare my feelings.
So when I read a recent article about natural hair and black men, you know it had my attention. The writer notes:
I’ve watched [my girlfriends] go through as many hairdos as they’ve gone through cars, boyfriends, and addresses, and individually make the transition to natural hair. They wear it in different but fabulous ways: big, wild “˜fros, short and curly cuts, coils and two-strand twists. Creativity with their locks has also been somewhat of sociocultural experiment. My friends feel like they don’t get as much male attention as they did before they grew their relaxers out, and if they do, it ain’t by men who look like them. So it begs the question: are black dudes biased against natural hair?
I can’t front like my husband’s opinion of my hair doesn’t matter. I admit that I liked the big grins he would give me when I’d come home fresh from the salon, hair blowdried and flat-ironed into submission. That’s how I looked when he met me and fell in love with me, and so a drastic change like that probably wasn’t expected.
A couple of my friends who’ve transitioned to natural hair have also had to have the “hair talk” with their spouse/boyfriend because they felt the compliments stopped coming or they weren’t sure if their spouse liked their new look.
But if your spouse can openly say they don’t like it for whatever reason, what happens next? If it’s a boyfriend it’s easier to say, “Deuces,” and move on to another guy, but with your spouse? Your “til death do us part” partner? Do you change it? Let me know your thoughts.
I actually have stories on both ends of this. I transitioned from straight to natural with my high school/college boyfriend and he was NOT a fan. He was also a different race and less understanding. For many reasons (not just hair) we ended that relationship so in my adulthood any man I met, met Aisha wish natural hair and quite frankly, most of the men I dated had an attraction for that particular type of women. Some of the boyfriend ghosts of the past actually have married women with locs and naturals too (trust me, there is a contingency of men that ONLY want natural hair). My current met me with a fro. I remember the first time he saw me with straightened hair he was like – eh, I like that but I like you more the other way, but do whatever you want. I love you either way. *Keeper*. I would have a hard time with someone who was firmly opposed to my hair in any way, short, long, straight, natural. I think love is unconditional (or should be) but I cannot deny that people do have a preference for appearance. If my mate who I was already in love with and committed too didn’t like my natural hair I would try to teach them, work with them, straighten sometimes to eventually get them to come around. I know people might say – dump the dude but I wouldn’t be so quick to do that unless it was a new relationship. There is an opportunity there to educate and dig deeper. So glad I don’t have to!!!
what should it matter really? the ideal man will love what is best for your hair. and also, the great thing about being black is….we can change styles all the time. so today you can rock your fro’. tomorrow rock braids and give him the ‘long’ look he likes. next day rock cornrows and give your hair a rest. etc etc
I totally agree with you!
We’re not talking a boyfriend here, we’re talking a husband. Ideal man doesn’t exist, that’s why he is an idea. I think the lines of communication with your spouse really need to be opened. I also think before you did the cut, you should have had a conversation with him so it wasn’t a surprise, but that’s water under the bridge. It doesn’t have to be a breaking point, but if it is a normal action for you to make major changes to those things he finds comforting without a conversation, it could become a major issue.
On the surface, it is simple a discussion of hair, but if there are other underlying happenings, it could become much more… let him know you want to talk, let him let you know when he is ready for that talk, talk, let him think, then talk some more… I would like to believe that a person should love you no matter what the physical appearance, but hair in the African American culture is so very tied to our identity that what should be nothing major can become a boiling point. Character decisions are made about black women based on how they wear their hair (which is idiocy, but society is as society does)
Love this reply Kimberly. A dose of reality and a realistic expectation: The ‘ideal’ man doesn’t exist – And our unrealistic expectation of men, who are human, keeps many of us lonely and alone. Why would anyone expect our men to prefer (or even like, for that matter) natural hair when 75% of *us* either perm or front a texture that we weren’t born with via weave or wig? Our men internalize the same standards of beauty through the media that we do – those images that make blogs, discussion and even this article about ‘natural’ hair even necessary. Patience, education, rockin’ that natural doo in the more sexy and attractive way possible, as you describe, can perhaps shift his paradigm and aesthetic toward that of our inherent, unique beauty.
When I was growing up I liked curly hair more than straightened hair. All the women in my family put in relaxers but I was always attracted to curls or anything different from straight. I have dated women of many races and I even preferred the white women I dated to have curly hair. I have always hated weaves(I feel this is physical lying) and wigs (unless you doing some role playing) of any sort. After reading “From the Browder Files” by Anthony Browder in college I really started having dialogues with black women about their hair. Now going to an HBCU this was a touchy subject. I read some other books on black women and their hair issues to improve my understanding. The psychological, emotional, and financial factors are all important to look at. I have always had the stance that you should be happy the way the creator made you. I believe in enhancing but altering what you were given because of what others think doesn’t make much sense to me. When all is said and done, a person’s hair is just that, their hair. Whatever they want to do with it is their choice. The only thing I ask of my wife is that she keeps her hair healthy. I let her know that I prefer it curly and I don’t mind her straightening it, as long as it is not done chemically. This goes back to everything I read and the movie Good Hair.
Sounds like you did a lot of homework on the subject and I appreciate your efforts and candor with you mates. However, I must say that I totally disagree with the weave statement. “Physical lying,” what is that about? Not sure where you live or where you may have been for the past decade or so but weaves are like clothes, it’s a way to change your appearance while resting your own hair. Now back in the day some, probably most, women weren’t totally honest about their weaves. Now, it’s as common as changing you purse or your shoes. So which would you prefer, chewed off, greasy, straggly long but damaged hair or a nice well kept weave? I don’t get why so many black men, in particular, are down on black women for their hair. Don’t y’all know that white woman on your arm has clip in extensions? Or full sew ins? But it’s okay because they are supposed to have long hair. It’s rather ridiculous to me.
It is physical lying. People can rationalize how they want but you are trying to attract a mate based off of something that you don’t have. As a man if I walked around with a fake chest and six pack would that be okay? What if I was stuffing my pants to make a certain body part of mine look bigger? None of these would be okay. Why does the hair have to be chewed off, greasy, or damaged? My first question is why did it get that way? Were you doing anything unnatural in the first place? I honestly would rather see a women with a low cut than weave. It doesn’t matter the race either. If you got fake anything that’s not cool with me. I am only speaking for myself. I hate weaves, contact lenses, booty pop, fake breast, etc.
I can honestly see where you are coming from. I have never been a fan of weaves or wigs for my own reasons. However, this comment makes it sound as if you think that everything a woman does to her appearance is for a man’s attention. I am sure that is true for some but I don’t think that is the woman a man would really want anyway. I’ve gone through many style changes….hair, clothing, make-up, etc….but those changes were an expression of myself and my personality. If a person, man or woman, does things solely to attract the opposite sex, they still have some growing and soul-searching to do. Even as a married woman, I still re-invent my style and look the best that I can every day. I do that for no one but myself. Thank you for sharing from a male perspective and stay blessed.
And further, you talk about lying. What about the guy who buys a house or a car that he can’t afford just to look the part. Is that financial lying? Why is that okay but playing around with you hair is not? Why is it okay for white women to get boob jobs or collagen injections or butt implants or tans or dye their hair blonde? That is the ultimate physical lie. Nobody complains about that but let a black women sew some tracks in her hair, then all hell breaks loose. I’d be interested to know your position on these things.
I was wondering why I hadn’t seen any comments from men on this thread. Could they be afraid, knowing anything they say might generate this sort of response?
I hope that is not the reason. How can you ever expect to learn and grow if you don’t speak up? As long as no one is calling me out of name or cursing I can dialogue all day and night.
Although i commented about this in my last post I will reiterate what I said. No it is not okay for a guy to try and “stunt” on what he doesn’t have. That’s the reason their is so much debt, people trying to keep up with their neighbors or trying to attract a certain type of mate. I have always remembered the quote “whatever you do to get something, you will always have to do to keep it.” Who ever said that was okay behavior, needs to understand this. Again race is not a factor. Be you! Be who you were created to be. I get disgusted by seeing any women get surgery to enhance something, not to fix a deformity. I used to work in a surgical unit of a hospital and saw the different types of cosmetic surgery. It is pretty gross. I want a women that is happy with what she has. The bottom line is that men only love women who love themselves first. If you don’t love the way you look how can you expect me to? I would love to see the statistics on the fidelity of those relationships where a women is physically lying to her man.
Hmm…When I met my husband in 2006 I was already natural for 5 years, and that was one of the things that attracted him to me, so I have the opposite…Every blue moon that I straighten my hair and it’s long down my back and blowing in the wind he grins and says it’s pretty…After about a week, he’s ready for me to change it back, however.
In a perfect world, love should extend past one’s hairstyle choice…Truth be told men go through a lot of hair changes, too…What if I told my man (who’s slowing balding and so he’s decided to just wear it bald) that I want his hair AND hairline back? Sure that’s a little different, but the same in a lot of ways…something has changed on him…and whether I like it personally or not, I still love him and think he’s incredibly sexy and handsome…I’d hope he’d be the same way, too. I really don’t think it’s cause for a break up or anything…
Sad to say but over life I have been told and I believe men have just came to be really attracted the long flowing bone straight hair styles for women. My husband supported me while we were dating and even went with me to do the BC. Now that my hair is longer and he stills supports me wearing it naturally curly like 90% of the time. I do see that he enjoys the versatility when I do get it pressed out I catch him staring in awe. So the key to explaining and helping your spouse understand its healthier for you overall to leave the creamy crack alone and that you can always press it out at times if he likes that as well.
I had been debating whether I would go natural or not. I spoke to my spouse about it, and he said go for it. It still took me awhile. I have for the most part always worn the short hairstyles so my big chop wasn’t that big. He loves my natural hair, and I believe that he doesn’t expect me to go back to relaxers. I know that I do not forsee relaxing again. For me, being natural is very freeing.
I done the natural thing twice, done the big chop 11 yrs ago and one yr ago. I never had a problem with hair responses, I got complements for both natural and relaxed hair. I took care of my hair, or just made sure my hair was groomed/done. With every look I was complemented. I remember I was dating this guy in college and he has seen me do so many styles to my hair even when I was leading up to my chop with a short bob, to the halle berry then the shave. He had no complaints and he still stuck around. I had a white male tell me how pretty I looked when my hair was natural too. I guess the guys I attract or I am around see my personality then my hair. My husband, actually likes short hair, not weaves or anything, but he still respects what I choose to do with my hair. I was told by a women when I was recently natural (yes I went back to the cream lol) that black men don’t like that natural $**! that’s why they look to white women or find the next hot chick with long hair. I don’t know how she collected all her info but in the end that is not my concern, bc my hubby does not care about hair like that. Now that I am relaxed he has told me he likes my natural hair better but he supports what ever I choose to do.
If my husband was adamant against me big chopping my hair, I wouldn’t have. I would have been a long-term transitioner. It’s just not cool to dramatically alter your appearance and think that your spouse should just go with the flow. That’s pretty unfair. I don’t even like when my husband grows his beard out and I let him know! And guess what he does? He keeps a clean shaven face because he respects my opinion.
Great point. I am going to transition back to my natural hair, and I will not do the big chop again, will grow out by using protective styles and just keeping my hair looking neat.
I totally agree with you. I wear a healthy relaxer, wish my husband loves. When I’m thinking about cutting my hair I’ll tell him, even show a picture of it so it won’t be a surprise, and I expect for him to keep a fresh face and cut also.
I totally agree with you. I wear a healthy relaxer, wish my husband loves. When I’m thinking about cutting my hair I’ll tell him, even show a picture of it so it won’t be a surprise, and I expect for him to keep a fresh face and cut also.
I do agree that she should of communicated with her husband, beforehand in reference to her hair , but hey there are way more problems going on in the world for me to feel bad because I wanted to surprise my husband and cut my chemical out in which is not my natural born hair..we put way too much energy and emphasis on our hair period in the black community, that as women we are afraid to show our true identity…most black men walk around with their natural hair so what is the big deal if she decides otherwise, its what god has blessed her with, and regardless of how anyone feel you cant permanently take that away…we are way too fixated on the world view on beauty instead of god like I stated in my early post…good thing about women is that we are creative and can change our hairstyle, which is all apart of fashion…some changes are for the better and can be an eyeopener for a history lesson…based off what she wrote I really dont think her husband feels disrepected I think he is in a state of shock and just needs his wife to make him aware and understand why she did something so spontaneous…
I do agree that she should of communicated with her husband, beforehand in reference to her hair , but hey there are way more problems going on in the world for me to feel bad because I wanted to surprise my husband and cut my chemical out in which is not my natural born hair..we put way too much energy and emphasis on our hair period in the black community, that as women we are afraid to show our true identity…most black men walk around with their natural hair so what is the big deal if she decides otherwise, its what god has blessed her with, and regardless of how anyone feel you cant permanently take that away…we are way too fixated on the world view on beauty instead of god like I stated in my early post…good thing about women is that we are creative and can change our hairstyle, which is all apart of fashion…some changes are for the better and can be an eyeopener for a history lesson…based off what she wrote I really dont think her husband feels disrepected I think he is in a state of shock and just needs his wife to make him aware and understand why she did something so spontaneous…
In a relationship we go through changes & differences, in which is normal…We are not going to look the same as we looked the first day we meet, as our lives progress with eachother, and people have to understand that…we grow in different areas, and even if your husband doesnt like your new look, he has to respect your decision and love you anyways because that is just hair, as you are still the same person he fell in love with for the most part..we have to take the good with the bad… you are on a different journey than you once was and you have to do what makes you happy and he has to be more understanding …I dont like some things my fiance does or even wear, but hey at the end of the day I love him for the person that he is and that comes with acceptance when I said “yes” to his proposal…say you go out and get a weave or perm your hair then hey he may or may not like it, but at the end of the day you are unhappy deeply…We cannot expect a person to like everything, and this is the time where you need to sit down with him and explain your new look & reasons why you cut your hair so he can accept it and understand your decision… When I chose to cut my bra strap length chemical, I mention length because my fiance is a hair man, in which I knew, but one thing he did say afterwards while rubbing my bald fade was, “its your hair and if you are happy then I am too, just dont wear a wig or weave babe”.. WELCOME and many blessings to come!!!!
You transitioned for 9+ months and you all never talked about the next step…even in casual conversation? Going natural was a big decision for me b/c I knew that it would change how I have to care for and maintain my hair. I talked about it with my spouse because it was a big decision for me and we talk about things that are important to each other, not because I wanted to make sure that he was okay with it. Ofcourse he shared his opinion (which was to go for it…and he loves it) but his opinion would not have changed my decision. Your husband is entitled to a preference but aren’t you entitled to choose your own hairstyle? Also, unless you plan on keeping your hair at 3 inches, a temporary haircut (it will grow faster than you think) really shouldn’t be an issue in a healthy marriage. Be blessed and thank you for sharing.
I’m so thankful that my husband LOVES my natural hair. Yes, when we started dating I’d already transitioned(I’ve been natural since 2001), but even the talk of getting a relaxer is quickly hit down by HIM. He often says how he loves to see the true Godly beauty in all of me, and more black women should embrace what God gave them in their hair.
My husband loves my natural hair, he is very supportive and can’t keep his fingers out of it. But I am still struggling with it though. I don’t want to go back to relaxers..but I have not found my natural groove yet and a style that I can do ….my head is swimming from all of the products to choose from.
I will check back with yall in a year to let you know how I am doing…I am sure I will be in love with it by then.
When I met my husband my hair was permed, I am just over a year natural and he couldn’t be more pleased. Sometimes I think he takes more pride in my hair than I do. Just yesterday we were talking and he explained he loves my natural hair not only because of how it looks but it tells something about the way I think. Now we’re not slandering silky haired sistas, I do believe that all styles are nice, but my husband explained to me how he feels that my my natural hair expresses the fact that I’m not afraid to go against the grain and it exudes confidence. I can’t lie, I thought that was a pretty nice compliment. I think that for me natural is the way to go, my hair never really took to perms in the first place…two weeks later I’d look natural anyway 😉
I changed it back to relaxed hair but I’m so missing my natural locs. I plan on transitioning for a year instead of the drastic big chop…
I am natural and I had lock when I first met my husband…He gets a little sad whenever I say I want a new look(Thanks to wigs because I am not going to process my hair again),but I had dated guys who did NOT like naturals.I had one ex to tell me, “Well, I like lighter women with long hair.” I couldn’t give him to the skin color,so I gave him the hair and then I realized he was an asshole..The kicker part was when I found out his was was dark and natural…I think it is a mental issue with Black men in regards to hair…
Big chopped in Feb 2011, When I came home from the barber he told me to put my hat back on. I thought it was funny and the next week we had a huge argument over it. He later apologized and said he loves me for my beauty and personality. NOW HE HELPS ME MAKE DECISION ABOUT NATURAL STYLES WHEN I CAN’T make up my mind. I compromised, straight hairstyles he paid for it. Natural hairstyles he paid for it LOL!! so learn to compromise and reassure them that u can still get a weave or expensive superstar wig.
I became an accidental natural after having a baby. I forgot to get perms, yet kept getting trims, and 18 months later, I didn’t have any perm left. Ummmm, ok. Me and my husband realized that my hair was a lot healthier. He also watched Chris Rock’s movie, Good Hair, and decided that chemically altering my hair would be really harmful. But… he still prefers my hair straight. It has taken a while for him to get used to, and admittedly, I’m going to growing pains as I experiment with different styles. I think it just takes some people time to get used to your “new normal”. If your spouse thought you were beautiful and attractive before the natural, is a different hairstyle really that big of a deal? Put on a sexy outfit, and see how much he even notices your hair.
My wife went natural a few years back and it was the best thing that ever happened. No more screams of “Don’t get my hair wet!” if I want to have a water fight while washing the cars together.
I also think that it is a misconception that natural means curly or kinky or twist. Finding the right natural stylist like my wife did finally is the key. My wife wears her hair straight, curly, or twisted.
One of the biggest influences about what is good hair comes from our own entertainers. Men get the idea that your hair has to look like such and such to be beautiful. Well, tell him to pay for the artist that does that person’s hair every day and then you’ll be just that way. I think that will end a lot of conversations right there.
Natural is beautiful and it takes time. Any person that does not understand that needs some education.
We also need more famous sisters to go natural. There just are not enough.