by Briana Myricks (www.20andengaged.com)
On May 20, 2011, I defied a few odds. After three years of teenage dating, ten months of cohabiting, and six months of engagement, I married my high school sweetheart. At the age of 20, I went from girlfriend, to fiancé, to wife. I did this with a high school diploma, no baby, and a guy who’s the same age and race as me: 20 and black. I became a rare breed. What I didn’t realize was that I had opened up an entirely new can of worms. I had even more statistics to face. My battle had just begun.
The past couple of years, the media has bombarded me with this idea that black women are undesirable. I was unaware. With a community of Beyonce lovers and Halle Berry worshipers, I didn’t have the slightest clue where this sudden explosion of coverage came from. Suddenly, my fellow black women weren’t good enough. We had to take what was given to us. We were being coaxed into thinking like a man, considering interracial dating, or God forbid finding a bisexual man who would be bothered with us. Depending on who you asked, we were to blame. Depending on which black woman you asked, we didn’t have many options. I was perplexed.
I didn’t understand because I had a young black man who was interested in me, and I never thought I was in the ranks of the beautiful celebrities I listed. I wasn’t rich, I wasn’t famous, I wasn’t light skinned (that’s a completely different conversation in its own right). I was a hardworking, intelligent young lady who was attractive to some. But women just like me were being told they were never going to get married. But I did. He’s not white, he’s never been in jail, he’s heterosexual, and he has no kids. It made me think, “Is the media just trippin’ or did I just hit the jackpot?”
I did a bit of research to see what exactly I was up against and what I should prepare for.
- 60% of marriages for couples between the ages of 20 and 25 end in divorce. (National Center for Health Statistics)
- Research indicates that people who live together prior to getting married are more likely to have marriages that end in divorce. (The Boston Herald)
- Children of divorce have a higher risk of divorce when they marry. (Journal of Marriage and the Family)
Well, let’s see. We’re both turning 21 soon, we moved in together while we were still dating, and both of my parents’ marriages ended. The odds look like they’ve turned against me. So I did some further digging to see if there was a way these odds could potentially be decreased.
These statistics are from “The State of Our Unions – Marriage in America 2010” Report by The University of Virginia.
- If you earn over $50,000 annually, you decrease your risk of divorce by 30%
- If you graduated from college, you decrease your risk of divorce by 25%
- If you have a baby 7 months into your marriage, 24%
- If you marry over 25 years old, 24%
- If your parents are still together, 14%
- If you have a religious affiliation, 14%
We’ve both hit periods of unemployment recently; so long $50,000. We haven’t graduated yet. We don’t plan on getting pregnant in the first year of our marriage and we’re under 25. But my husband’s parents are still together, and we both have a religious affiliation. We have 28% more hope. I’m sure the statistics are even more alarming if you just survey the black community.
My point is, as a young black wife, the odds are most certainly against me. The statistics insist that my marriage to my husband simply won’t last. I’m committed to defying those odds like I did before. I actively read blogs like this one, as well as marriage books. I consult my Bible and learn from other couples along the way. I refuse to be a statistic in those kinds of studies. I rather be included in a new one: young black marriages that survive.
How old were you when you got married? What advice would you give a young newlywed couple like Briana and her husband?
Briana is a freelance writer, blogger and newlywed. Check out her adventures in matrimony at 20andengaged.com
Great Post! So many statistics can make one’s head spin! I got married at 24 to my high school sweetheart and although we didn’t co habitate, we did get pregnant nine months into the marriage. I honestly think that all of those “factors” don’t really mean much, and hard work is the most important part of marriage. Regardless of circumstances (and they can be tough! Especially unemployment!) if both partners are working hard in sustaining the marriage, I think they will be alright.
Im 27 as is my husband. We have been together for 7 years. We lived together for 4 years before we got married this past June. My husband has his masters and I am working toward mine. His parents are still together while my mom is on her 7th husband. The odds are always against us, but we know that God as a 100% success rate if included in the marriage.
Thanks Briana for such an awesome post. The statistics are very discouraging and if I listened to them and applied them to myself…I would not be in the happy marriage that I am in today.
I agree with Mrs. C.G. Love – God will give you a 100% chance of having a successful marriage….if you both follow his plan of loving and respecting each other….your odds of succeeding are even greater. I have watched you on-line over the last few months…and you are being very intentional about ensuring that your marriage succeeds …..that’s what it takes to succeed!!!
Thanks for the opportunity Ronnie! I appreciate all the support you, Lamar, and the whole Black & Married with Kids community has given me!
I asked my aunt & uncle who have been married for over 30 years, what was their secret? He replied, STAY MARRIED, and that was it. I understand that to mean do whatever it takes to stay together; if you plan to be together forever, you’ll do what it takes to get to forever… People underestimate embracing peace of mind, but I have found it to bring more happiness in marriage, because I’m doing my part to be peaceful and helping him understand and embrace it too… Embrace & the positive whatever it might be & you’ll see growth in goodness. Stay Hopeful and let no man turn your annoited union asunder or apart… Blessings!
I got married when I was 24 and he was 25. we didn’t live together beforehand.We got pregnant with our first on our honeymoon. She is now 6.5yrs old. We also have a 4yr old and a 1yr old. Don’t pay any attention to those statistics. Keep family and friends out of your marriage. Keep God in the center. Keep a list of all the things you love about your husband right now, down the road when he’s getting on your nerves, pull that list out. Don’t stop flirting with each other. Remember your vows often. Love unconditionally.
I love this Darcel!! I’m 24 got married last year and I have a 9 week baby. I broke the usual laws about marrying nearer you age. My husband is 14 years older than me, but unfortunately for everyone else it doesn’t matter to us! I love what you said about keeping family and friends out. I learned that lesson the hard way. It’s people like you and this site that continues to inspire me to achieve greatness in marriage along with God being the main thread. I’ve had sooooo many challenges this year that many times I lost hope. But I remain faithful to God that he never gives more that we can handle.
Stay blessed.
Enjoy your marriage and your husband, don’t allow those stats to change your perception or reality of your marriage. I celebrate you and your husband, many you have 60 plus years of marital bliss! God bless you!!!
My husband and I have been together since he was 19 and I was 18. I brought a baby into the relationship that we have raised together, along with our other two children. We have been married since he was 22 and I was 21. We have truly beaten every odd and statistic, and most days I have no idea how. He came from a single-parent home, but I’ve been blessed to come from a long line of marriage on both sides.
I was 24 and my hubby was 26 when we got married. We were college sweethearts, so we married with degrees. He’s never been to jail, neither of us have no outside children. We had our first daughter 18 months after we got married and I’d like to report we’ll be celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary next week. My advice to you is to ignore the stat’s, and KEEP GOD FIRST!! When things get rough (we’ve been through it all, unemployment, housing issues, career changes, me now being home for 8 years to raise decent children, etc.), your love for the Lord, and dedication to your promise will get you through. COMMUNICATE, and revisit personal and family goals at least once a year to keep your ship moving in the right direction. Respect private time, and you both need to respect your spouse’s other roles (uncle/aunt, daughter/son, friend, niece/nephew, brother/sister), and understand the requirements these roles demand as well. You all will be just fine!! Good luck!!
This is a great blog and congrats on your marriage – such a wonderful and blessed institution. I was 27 when I got married and my husband was actually 37. I loved your post because it enlightened me? Why? I always assume that if you as a woman get married young that your spouse is probably older because men have commitment issues before a certain period of time and while women are physically and mentally ready, men ten to sow oats more. I am so happy and proud to see that there are young black men and women willing to make this commitment and enjoy the love. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you Aisha. Yes, I was surprised to see that he was ready for marriage too haha. I would ask so many times before hand. “Are you sure? You ready? Positive?” It probably annoyed him but I didn’t want him to think I was forcing the issue at all.
We were married at 23, still in college, with a 2yr old…we have been through it ALL! But by the grace of God, we have been married 8yrs!
Amen and congratulations! God bless your family.
I was engaged at 22 and I got married to my soul mate at 23. I had our first son right after that…we never really lived together but all of 2 months before we were married. My parents have been married for 36 yrs…but his aren’t even together. We both believe in Jesus and have relationships with Him. Yes I think its a little difficult but I don’t believe God has brought us this far to leave us. We REFUSE TO BE ANOTHER BLACK STATISTIC OR ANY OTHER ONE…POINT BLANK PERIOD.
Amen! With a relationship with God and faith in your marriage, you’ll reach the same milestone your parents reached.
My husband and I met in college at 19 (me) and 20 (him) years old. We got married at 21 & 22 after living together for 11 months. We had our first child at 24 and 25. I finished college (due in large to his support mentally, academically, finaicially and emotionally) at 25. He’ll finish next year due to taking a class at a time at 30 y/o. Both our parents are divorced & remarried. We defied the odds and have sustained a happy and successful marriage and developed careers for the past 9 years we’ve been together and 7 years of marriage. It can happen on with God’s Divine Intervention and seeking His Wisdom daily! When both parties are whole heartedly devoted to each other and the success of the marriage and have God’s path as their focus the world’s statistics mean absolutely nothing at all! Seek Him and stay devoted to your husband and those statistics will be meaningless, as is everything else the mass media decides to lie about our culture without understanding it!
LOVE THIS! I was 22 when I got married. (My parents weren’t married, I’ve never met my father, and they had me out of wedlock) My husband was 23 (His parents got married upon finding out they were pregnant and faced some time of separation but have remained married) and we got married the day after we graduated college. We met in October 2005, started dating in March 2006, got engaged December 2006, and got married May 2007. So we dated in total 9 months before getting engaged and MY, were the odds against us. Being a young black couple where we’re taught that you have to date someone for an eternity before discovering if you’re meant to be and THEN after THAT be engaged for another 5 years. We faced a lot of adversity and gossip. People just knew for SURE we were secretly pregnant hence why we were getting married so “soon.” It’s hard to explain to non-spiritual people that divine intervention exists. It’s hard to make fly by night believers (those who believe God when it’s convenient for them) BELIEVE that God has created someone for each of us. It’s hard to explain to people who don’t have a foundation to their relationship that the beginning to every storybook marriage begins with God. People claim God, they claim to be spiritual but I’ve learned and witnessed that CLAIM is in every area of their lives except love. We’ve been married 4 years, both completed our Masters, we’ve had 2 houses in that time, and we JUST had a son June 2011. God defies the odds. God breaks down strong holds. God ends generational curses. God buries all statistics that society tries to bind us as black women, black men, and black couples in. So my advice to you is to keep your eyes on what HE says in his word about marriages. Follow HIS lead and as long as you are doing that an eternity of marital bliss await you!
http://www.removethemakeup.blogspot.com
Congratulations! You guys are doing great and definitely an inspiration. I love it when you said God buries all statistics. I’ll keep my faith in Him and Him alone.
Great post!
WOW…. this is wow…. wow… thats all I can say..
God bless ur union and he will continue to wax ur love for each other and ur marriage stronger each day….
I love this post. Congrats and I am praying for all to get back on your feet working. It is great to see young black love in the midst of all these depressing stats about lonely single sisters. I am often told by my circle that I too hit the jackpot finding a young black professional heterosexual man. Me and my husband met at 26 and married at 28. I had a short engagement because we could not wait to be husband and wife. To my amazement I got side eye, looks, and even a close friend asked me was I pregnant. As if 2 young black couples could not be eager to be married. After a year of marriage we are looking at our friends and family still single around us wondering what is wrong with them. Don’t they realize the benefits of marriage.
That’s so sad for people to just assume you’re pregnant when you just want to be husband and wife. I wish people would wish the best instead of the worst. Thank you and God bless your marriage!
That’s so sad for people to just assume you’re pregnant when you just want to be husband and wife. I wish people would wish the best instead of the worst. Thank you and God bless your marriage!
We were married at 20 and 21. Dated only 6 months and lived in two different parts of the country (we did not meet online not that matters). We are now 29 and 30, and still holding strong. As long as you both have a desire to remain married and do what it takes to make your marriage work stats really don’t matter. We now have 2 daughters, and have accomplished some amazing things together. Although life isn’t always easy, we relish on the fact that we have each other. You all will be just fine! Congratulations Newlyweds!
I married when I was 26 and I have been married for more than a decade. My advice would be that they support each other & each other’s goals more than anyone else they know… which includes parents, relatives & best friends. As long as your working to please each other you will have more happiness than heartache. Be forgiving, patient and understanding… pray for it daily… you’ll need it.
You will make it! You’re another statistic like me. I married my HS sweetheart at 20. And here we are still happily married and in love 24 years later!
Me and my husband were both 21 when we married and it was a union based on love and commitment and still is to this day. After five months of dating he proposed and we started our journey together. We both had our high school diplomas, he had already graduated from an information technology school and I was about to start college classes. I found out I was pregnant a week before my wedding and we were both so excited to welcome the new addition to our new family unit. I realized in the beginning that I was one of the few black females, especially in my circle at the time. that was actually married before having kids. So many of my high school friends and associates already had children but no real relationships it was like a trend and still is among a lot of young black women. It’s like it’s expected of us to have kids but no relationship with the baby father and no healthy relationships with other men, and it’s sad to see that most young black females fall into that category. My husband and I have been happily married for 3 yrs. and I can truly say that communication, honesty, and putting God first in your marriage is the key to a successful marriage. Like T.D. Jakes said: “Even a soul mate can test you.”
Always remember what God has for you is for you and nobody or nothing can seperate a union God has created…but he will let the devil take you for a test drive like he did with Job you just have to be strong and dewell in the Lord
Always remember what God has for you is for you and nobody or nothing can seperate a union God has created…but he will let the devil take you for a test drive like he did with Job you just have to be strong and dewell in the Lord
Great post! My wishes to you for a happy and successful marriage!
Great post! My wishes to you for a happy and successful marriage!
…Jheeeze this blog has got me thinking…am not in the marriage realm yet – neither am I engaged. However you have inspired for whenever my time is to fight against all statistics. all the best with your marriage – I have no doubt for you have the best man watching over your family….:)
My husband and I were high school sweethearts, married at 18& 19.I worked to put him through Grad school. He now works in education and I get to go to school free of charge. We were married almost 8 years before we had our first child, with the second to follow two years later. We celebrated our 16th annivesary last March and will renew our vows in 3 years. Our secret? Divorce is not an option, keep our love and respect for each other as away to balance our actions. Meaning we always ask…if I go (or continue) down this path…how will it effect us? If it will cause a problem or hurt the other…stop and go the other way. We are not…and I do mean WE not just me…afriad to simply say baby..I’m sorry how can I make it right. I married my best friend and if given the chance to go back and do it again…I would still say I do.
We need to be friends. My husband and I are 21 and we got married at 19. (No babies yet) And you wanna know what kept us fighting for our relationship probably the hardest, knowing that ppl & statistics were against us, and our relationship! But by the Grace and Mercy of God, we made it though it all. AND I mean ALL. Just about every issue from cheating to parent not liking our choice. But By God alone we are still making it thought. My advice: the ONLY person that needs to be in your relationship is Jesus! Keep God in yall lives and it wont always be easy, but it will be rewarding!
Wonderful post! My husband and I were married young as well. We married exactly 5 months after we graduated from college. I was 21 and he was 23. Both of us are products of extra marital affairs and had all the odds stacked aganist us as well. We dated for 5 years and will be married for 15 years this October! We are both Black and very much in love. We remained childless for 8 years of our marriage which gave us time to learn what it means to be husband and wife. We took that opportunity to travel and have fun as adults. My advice to you is love God and listen! The biggest issue most couples have is that they don’t listen to one another. Regardless if he’s talking about the game or his job listen. Study to be quite and open. I would also suggest that you not allow finincial problems cause you more stress then necessary. Talk it out and it will work out!
I was 18 in 2001 and I married my H.S Sweetheart. I am also proud to say that we we’re both pure as we walked down that aisle. In a time when our peers would be sitting next to us in English class, ready to give birth at any second..I wore that virgin badge proudly!…lol. I refuse to be another black statistic.
And we will be celebrating our 10 year anniversary on the 29th of this month. It is by the grace of God that we made it this far. We are both black and still madly in love with one another.
Always keep God as the center of your relationship …keep everyone out…parents, etc. Keep the line of communication open and most of all.
10 years of marriage and 4 gorgeous children later…I still want to wake up every morning to his sweet face…
My husband and I(both 40 now) were together and lived togehter for 10 years before we got married, and we have been married for 8 years (First marriage for both of us). We each brought a child into the relationship and have raised them as ours together, we are now grandparents and enjoying the life we share. We are an mixed couple (I am white and he is black) and our kids are also mixed. Secret to our marriage? We love each other for who each other, strong family values, and we do not let the media nor others put us down. Stand tall and love your husband and always kiss each other good night, goodbye and hello no matter what. Also, I will graduate with a bachelors degree in December, I have been at my job for 21 years and he has been at his for 14 years. Both of our parents are divroced. Do not allow the stastics or media fog up your mind.
Thinking…this is not a topic OR website for scraper…SMDH
You hit the jackpot – for what you wanted for your life. Not all of us are as lucky. I will say that some of that relies in choice. At your age, I was getting an engineering degree and had no interest in getting married – neither did my peers. At 22, I thought that my college boyfriend and I might tie the knot. I knew as graduation came that he was not the one. Since then I have had an interesting career, attained a masters, survived a potential crippling illness and done a lot of things on bucket list. I would have loved to have had someone to share my life and have a family with, but I guess it was not to be. There were men who rejected me because I was little too smart, well paid, a bit too “nerdy”, and didn’t have any kids (I wanted to do it the right way – still smh on that one). I rejected two suitors because I wasn’t sure I would physically survive a union – but that is a completely different discussion. BTW, my parents have been married for 46 years; I know what a good marriage looks like.
Consider yourself blessed and ignore the media… The odds are only against you if you believe they are. Do me one favor…just don’t take the message spouted by the media out on your single sisters. There are many of us that would love to have a husband, respect marriage, and have NO interest in your man or anyone elses. I can’t tell how many times I’ve been disrespected by married people who think I’m a threat, usually while minding my own business. I have never been married and am now 45. Although the odds are low, I believe that eventually I will share my life with a nice man, black or otherwise. May your union be blessed and may you both prosper.
Congrats! Marriage is a blessing and I wish you the best and pray that you have a fruitful, happy, and productive marriage!
With that said… I was 27 when I married, but my husband was 24. We didn’t have a child until we had been married for almost two years. It was the right choice for us. I think my husband would agree that some of the key components to sustainability in marriage is faith in God, to be resolute in your decision to stay married to your spouse, and respect for one another. We decided before we got married that divorce was not an option for us and that decision has tried and tested a few times and we’ve only been married for a little over 6 years. Pray without ceasing and try to see your marriage as a growth opportunity. Because it will grow you and stretch you in ways you never thought it would. Be blessed!!
WOW.. having read all the posts here, I can truly hold my hands up and say I have been inspired (like so inspired). WOW.. ok enuff with the wow. lol.
I pray for every marriage and every couple that God blessings, anointing, increase, love, joy, mercy, forgiveness, riches, correction, guidance, favor, protection, upliftment, grace, faithfulness, good health, wealth, generosity, respect, obedience and many more good,lovely and rewarding qualities will forever be in your lives and your marriages. Against, all the storms of life, all marriages ordained by God with his foundation and the ones that are not will pass with flying colours, overcoming all challenges and inspiring both your children, your generation the ones now and yet to come. I pray God will continue to wax the bond of your marriage stronger and begin to use couples as inspiration not only to Christianhood but to other Non-Christians and non believers. I pray the love of marriage will live FOREVER and Ever because that is one of God’ key intention, for man to leave his family house and be joined with his wife…. He must have seen that two heads are better than one… God is awesome..
Thank u Lord for granting my prayer.
Bytheway, since my relationship with God, he has led me to pray for married couples and his purpose for each marriage. I am not married yet (but by his grace will be). I am glad that there are couples out there that are genuinely happy and that inspires me to continue to pray..
I met my loving wife when I was 19 and she was 20 in 1986. We dated and lived together before we got married in 1991. The premarital sex issues were very strong and it’s by God’s grace that we kept going on. We are both strong in our walk with the Lord. Letting the love of the Lord in every area of our live. God is the center of everything. This year we celebrated our 21 marriage anniversary with our 6 children.
Don’t look at stats, but look, reach and take the Lord’s help, because He will never leave or forsake you.
Reading everyone’s comments has been so inspirational!:)…what advice can you all give on the importance of building a friendship before a relationship?
I am right on board with you. My husband and I dated for 2y 7mo, were engaged for 14mo, and have been married for 6mo. At the time of the wedding, I was 22yo and had just graduated college 2 months before; he was 24yo and heading into his final semester of grad school.
My parents were never married – mother 16, father 18 at my birth. Since then, my father married. My mother has been divorced 3 times. My husband’s parents were initially married but divorced. Both were remarried. My mother-in-law became a widow and married again last year. Almost everyone in my family history who happened to get married, also divorced.
I am a new graduate student, while my husband is in his last semester. We make WELL under 50K. So far, we’ve decreased our risk by 39% (points for education and religion). If we get pregnant in the next 1 1/2 months, I suppose our risk will decrease another 24%. Statistics are hilarious! LOL
This is an amazing post! I always try to find marriage articles related to being young and married, and I never seem to find articles like this related to young black couples! I was 14 years old when I met my husband in 9th grade, we dated, broke up, were friends for 3 years, and got back together in 12th grade when I was 17 and he was 18. He asked me to marry him before we went to separate colleges at 18 and 19. We stayed together through two years of going to school 1 1/2 hours away from each other. He transferred to my college, and we got married the end of our sophomore year at the District Court when I was 19 and he was 20. We didn’t even live together until 3 months later. We don’t have children, but we’ve been raising our 5 month old puppy since he was 8 weeks and we are both seniors working on our bachelors degrees. We have defied so many odds already in the 1 1/2 year that we’ve been married, all the while in college. Neither of our parents were ever married (I’ve had 2 stepfathers and my biological father was in jail for 6 years of my early childhood.) We never really had models of successful and happy marriages, which proves unfortunate in some aspects of our marriage. However, we read the bible and attend church and bible school together, I read blogs like this (even though this is my first ever post LOL), and we pray for each other and our marriage. Our families also pray for us all the time! I knew about the statistics before we spontaneously got married, but we made an agreement that anything that happens, we’ll work through it together. I absolutely ADORE my husband and I am amazed that at 22 years old, a young black man is so committed to me and making our marriage work!! He already has his own business, he’s a manager at a men’s suit and apparel store, and he still goes to school, even if it’s part time. That’s a rare gem in our society, and although we have God at the center and I know He’s working miracles every day, I DEFINITELY know I hit JACKPOT! 🙂
I agree with the majority of the bloggers with God in your life wonders may never cease. As a fellow newlywed myself I say to Brianna just to ‘do you’, there will always be negative statistics to pull our women down. My husband is 47 I’m 37 and we know that till death us do part means exactly that! We are in it for the long haul. I applaud you on you article, you soon realise that you are not alone in your situation. God bless you and your marriage.