We’re happy to share with you the follow up to the highly successful post that ran here a few moths back titled, Marriage Was Not Designed To Make You Happy! If you haven’t read that post start there first.
by Denise Anderson
After I wrote the piece, “Marriage Was Not Designed to Make You Happy,” I had a few people ask me, “Well, if my marriage isn’t supposed to make me happy, what is it supposed to do?” Admittedly, I sure did give a lot of suggestions for what you shouldn’t expect from your marriage, so it’s only fair that I outline some things that you can expect.
You can expect your marriage to:
Grow You Up ““ Yeah, I thought I was so mature before I got married. I thought I had this whole adulthood thing figured out. It took my marriage to teach me just how childish I could still be.
Children are naturally self-centered. They’re supposed to be. It’s nature’s way of instilling in them survival skills. If their own needs are paramount, then they can find ways verbalize their needs or otherwise elicit a response that meets their needs from their caretakers. A baby knows to cry when he’s hungry. A toddler knows to throw a tantrum when she’s frustrated. A child knows to ask for toys when he wants to play. This ensures that they have what they need when they need it since they’re yet unable to provide for themselves.
Adults, however, are (or should be) self-sustaining. Ideally, a person should have progressed beyond the practice of incessantly magnifying his or her own needs by the time they become an adult. At some point, a grown-up should seek to be of service to someone ““ a community, a spouse, a child, etc. This is a mark of true maturity.
Before I got married, I relished in the ability to pay my bills, hold down a job, and generally do what I had to do. I thought all these things made me “grown,” and indeed they did. But the missing piece of the puzzle was learning how to be an asset to others, and not until I got married did I learn what true service and selflessness was. That’s right, all the volunteering I did with my church and my sorority couldn’t hold a candle to the service that is marriage.
A person should expect to have their needs met in a marriage, but more than that, they should be prepared to meet some needs. I would fuss, cuss, stomp, and shout when I felt my darling wasn’t meeting my needs the way I wanted him to. But eventually I had to learn that he’s only human and as such cannot meet every single one of my needs at all times. Moreover, the only one in this marriage I can control is me, and whatever he’s supposedly failing to do does not absolve me from my role in the marriage. I still have to be his wife ““ whole-heartedly. My blogger friend and Essence magazine relationships editor Charli Penn recently mused on her own blog that marriages aren’t always 50/50, and realistically they are not. Sometimes you’re going to put in more than half, and sometimes your partner will. Adults concern themselves with the job at hand, no matter how much work they have to do to get it done.
Teach You More About Yourself Than Ever Before ““ It sounds antithetical to conventional logic. How in the world can you learn more about yourself by being with someone than you could by being alone?
I’ll tell you how. When my husband would “do something” to make me mad, in my wiser moments I would go in prayer about it (we won’t talk about what I did in the more foolish moments). And in that prayer, God would never show me how to change my husband. He would instead show me where I needed to change. However uncomfortable that is, there is so much growth that comes from identifying where you fall short, because you then know exactly where you need to take action.
Your spouse acts a lot like a mirror. The marital relationship is the most intimate one you’ll ever have (yes, even more than simply living together). You are spiritually, legally, morally, emotionally, relationally, sexually, and financially connected in a way that you cannot ever be in any other relationship. Consequently, through the mirror that is your spouse you see yourself in every single part of life the two of you share, probably in a way that you’ve never seen before. One spouse’s spendthrift ways illuminate the miserly ways of the other. One spouse’s affectionate ways can illuminate the physically distant ways of the other. My husband’s generous gift-giving made me realize how cheap I was all these years! You can’t help but to see yourself differently and even more realistically.
Teach You How to Love Actively, Not Just Passively ” Many wise people have said that love is a verb. They weren’t lying.
If you’ve had the good fortune to buy a brand new car, you know what that experience is like. Everything is shiny and new and the smell of the car is intoxicating. You find yourself driving everywhere, even to places within walking distance. However, as life sets in, the luster fades. The rugs get dirty, the finish gets dull, and that smell gives way to the stench of the gym bag in your trunk or the burger and fries you got at the drive-through. Oil has to be changed, brakes wear down and have to be replaced, and light bulbs burn out. You don’t drive as much as you used to because it’s not that fun anymore.
Eventually the “new car smell” of marriage wears off. The 2am “no-you-hang-up” phone calls give way to 2pm texts requesting that you pick up some milk on your way home from work. Marriage is cyclical ““ it has its highs and lows, and even its middles. The challenge in the middles and lows is to love your spouse with as much fervor as you did before the honeymoon was over. This kind of love is more deliberate. It’s less reactive and more proactive. It’s not contingent upon those feelings of ecstasy when everything is going right. It’s instead an intentional show of affection irrespective of circumstances. If you two have been at it for a whole week, she probably won’t be over-the-moon when you bring home flowers (she may even be a bit skeptical). But you do it anyway, because mature love can still act even when it can’t feel.
Cars can run for years “even decades “with the proper maintenance. Your marriage could become a sparkling classic, a rusted-out hoopty, or a lemon. It’s completely up to you.
Make You More Like God “Speaking of loving despite circumstances, who has more experience at that than the Almighty?
As a person of faith, I believe every experience ordained by God is orchestrated to bring you closer to God, to become more like God in your living. Marriage, when approached correctly, does just this. Sometimes our spouses seem downright unlovable, but our charge is to love them anyway. Why? Because this is exactly what God does for us. When you get a chance, read the book of Hosea, a minor prophet who was instructed by God to marry a woman of ill-repute (in other words, she was a ho’, y’all). Her infidelity mirrored that of Israel. The LORD had been Israel’s only god up until then, but God still loved and would continue to love them. When my husband gets a little difficult to love, all I need to do is think about how often I make it hard for both him and God to love me, yet they still do it. Marriage is great at bringing you down from your high horse that way.
After I wrote the previous piece, a couple of people referred me to the book Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. I had never heard of the book, but as soon as I read the tagline I was floored: “What if God designed marriage to make us holy instead of happy?” Without even cracking it open, I already knew I agreed with every word (and yes, I highly recommend getting the book). Your marriage is designed to teach you something so profound and perspective-altering, and surprisingly little of it has to do with what you feel.
Again, some may find it strange that this post isn’t warm and fuzzy, but really, don’t you think there’s plenty of that already? All one needs to do is turn on Platinum Weddings or browse bridal magazines at the book store for the “fun” image of marriage. Marriage is already romanticized enough. My fear is that we’re overlooking the real and lasting benefits of marriage in our quest for the “warm and fuzzy.” I know for a fact that I couldn’t have apprehended the maturity, love lessons, and character I have today anywhere outside my marriage. It hasn’t always been comfortable, but it’s all been blessed. It’s my hope that people who want to get married understand that any growing pains they experience can be overcome, and that those whose marriages have ended can at least take away the lesson in all of it. I think more marriages would thrive if we all embraced our marriages for what they are, not what we want them to be.
Denise is a wife, mother, professional web designer, and minister-in-training living in the D.C. area. Check out her blog, How Mama Got Her Swag Back.
What do you think Marriage WAS designed for? Let us know in the comments section.
JustBeingMe says
You covered it all, so I’m just going to say that to me, marriage was designed to be the #1 MOST PUBLIC AND PRIVATE DEMONSTRATION OF SELFLESSNESS, LOVE, AND COMMITMENT! I really think marriages are supposed to be God’s best example to the world what love is, what love does, and what love looks like. We have watchers(us married folks:), and we need to act in spirit and in truth(like Christ) and not be hypocritically married, or conveniently married… Good Article!
Denise @HowMamaGotHerSwagBack says
I couldn’t agree with you more! Thanks for commenting!
Goldilocks says
There is so much I want to say, but I wont because its an open blog, but just know I needed to see this! We were right at the brink of our engagement, had weathered some highs and lows of our relationship and then BAM…what happens when your spouse grows distant? Blames it on work and schedules, etc? The calls are fewer? The connection is lost? It would be great if you had a blog topic on that! This one surely blessed! Thx!
Anonymous says
Love this article! Certainly made me look at some things with a different lens. Would also love to see an article addressing “distance” and intimacy issues.
Quiana Jones says
I couldn’t agree with you more. In the beginning of my marriage I would have said this was crazy!!!!! But I thank God that He revealed the light and opened my eyes to see what my REAL purpose was in my marriage and being that example to my children.
Mykal Seaton says
Marriage was created to show the vertical relationship between Christ and the Church. I believe you can never have a horizontal relationship until you first establish your vertical relationship. So I totally agree with JustBeingMe.
Denise @HowMamaGotHerSwagBack says
I’ve always loved this illustration and I completely agree.
Staynfunky says
Ok, now Im confused. Sort of… The prequel article to this talks about how “marriage cannot make you happy”, but each bullet in this article leads to more happiness in a relationship/marriage…que?
Denise @HowMamaGotHerSwagBack says
I honestly wouldn’t say that. I think with each “bullet” comes a lot of personal stretching and even some discomfort. Ultimately, the end goal of each of these things is not to make you “happy” (though it may achieve that… for some). The goal is to make you different, to change you for the better. Happiness is an emotion that’s reliant on some outside influence. What marriage does is much, much deeper than that, and it’s not always emotionally pleasant. Chocolate makes me “happy,” but it doesn’t necessarily make me better (and definitely not healthier). That treadmill that I dread every morning though, oh yeah… that sucker makes me better, even if I can’t walk to work afterwards!
I maintain that whatever happiness your marriage has is brought to it by the two in the marriage. The marriage itself owes us nothing. We, however, owe it everything.
Ces says
The previous article is “Marriage was not DESIGNED to make you happy.” Acknowledging and practicing these bullet points in marriage results in happiness being a by-product. True joy isn’t going to come from your spouse. Only from the Lord. If He is sought first, last, and consistently in between, happiness will be inevitable for you and your spouse.
LegalMind says
I see what you’re saying, however, I did not read the article to mean that they things that marriage does do necessarily brings more happiness. Several of the things, getting to know yourself better, serving, being self-less and loving even when you don’t “feel” like it are not easy things. They aren’t things that are going to make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Honestly, sometimes its downright hard! I do think they are great ingredients for a long-term, successful marriage, but not necessarily a happy one on a day to day basis. I think they are also ingredients for making you a better person altogether individually.
Staycee2 says
WOW!!!!! I luv it n hit home on many levels!!!!! POWERFUL!!!
Jai Williams says
This spoke volumes to me. It was right on time and I think you hit everything right on the head! I agree with Staycee2 in saying this was powerful and I am going to share it in hopes that others gain as much insight as I did when reading it!
Marq says
Marriage like the church,is a business. Love maybe involved often time in the onset,but eventually the test of time is unavoidable. What are the advantages of marriage? I’d like to hear some…Thank you…
Chundra Rambert says
Yeah I totally understands now. My husband is sweet & has a smart mouth sometimes. So when I am mad at him I don’t talk because I feel it is better to do that than argue. I have to remind him that I am allowed to be mad but how I handle it is what should matter. I am a graphic designer that work in retail to help with bills. DENISE did you struggle financially to get your career to the point where u wanted it to be? Or were stable before u got married.
Kallisa M. Powell says
Thank you for giving a different perspective on marriage that forces one to at the very least, adjust the “rose tinted glasses”.
Matthew Onakoya says
Marriage was designed
to serve/help your partner
Genesis 2: 20-24 (New King James
Version)
20 So Adam gave names to all cattle, to the
birds of the air, and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not
found a helper comparable to him.
21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he
slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place.
22 Then the rib which the LORD God had taken
from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man.
23 And Adam said:
“This is now bone of my bones
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called Woman,
Because she was taken out of Man.â€
24 Therefore a
man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall
become one flesh.
Kathy Hardney says
I just should have became a nun…
Anonymous says
Kathy, I so agree with you! I have tried 4 times now and each one has been heartbreaking and so—-difficult. Now I am in my senior years and just don’t have any more strength for all this. Looking back over my life I see that I would have been so much better off if I had never married in the first place.
KONA says
I read Sacred Marriage many years ago and what you are saying the book has already covered. It is a HARD but Truth-filled read and I HIGHLY recommend it for anyone thinking that they want to be married. Couples who are already married need to read it as well for a “reality check”. Marriage is so NOT about you . . . and if you start understanding it from its original spiritual basis, you will begin to understand. Sacred Marriage took me FOREVER to get through because it took me awhile to really let the concept sink in. But read it . . . and make wise decisions about whether you are truly built for that kind of journey. It is a special journey that not all can take or survive!
Warren, Dr. J. says
Solid material. Blessing
Dr. J. W. Warren
The Third Opinion Marriage Enrichment Seminars
Allison Harris says
Very interesting point of view on what marriage is based off your own experience. I would also recommend reading the book… “Single, Married, Separate, and Life after Divorce” by Dr. Myles Munroe… When first seeing the title I was somewhat unsure, but as you begin reading it, you will understand who those titles are speaking too. Very good read based off biblical findings of the institution of what marriage is. Highly recommend it.
M2012 says
Excellent article!!! Excellent!!! Thank you!
JoyousInspire says
I believe that Marriage is your personal ministry to the world on how to love patiently, share generously, encourage and elevate immensely, pray fervently for each other, pleasure and satisfy spiritually, emotionally and physically, and yielding daily for the good of the unity of one!
Sxyblk823 says
Thank you BMWK staff for these writings. I thoroughly enjoy and appreciate your informative articles and I share them with others. Making it plain and keeping it 100% real is more helpful than you know. And it’s DEFINITELY what we need to hear!
Twala Thokozani6 says
wow, im so in awe of this article… especially the part bout how marriage is to make us more like God… Wow it’s so true.
Dmalphurs says
I don’t think I’ve ever read a more perfect article on marriage. Great work!
Dale says
My understanding is that marriage was ordained by God for us to enjoy the company of the opposite sex and procreate (be fruitful and multiply). Often times we get the womens perspective on these sites. Most men want to do right by God while having a strong sexual drive we marry (ref. 1 Cor 7:2). Most men need (notice I said need) sex to function effectively. It’s our best expression of saying I love you. Today, it still seems tabu to talk about it. When men and women talk about love and getting married; the women is (most cases) thinking about the warm fuzzy feeling of holding hands, taking walks together, cuddling and maybe every now and then some sexual activitiy while on the other hand the man (most cases) is thinking about a chicken dinner [2 thighs, 2 breast and 2 legs] getting his freak on having sex. We are for the most part clueless about love. Real love grows after a tenure of growth and really getting to know each other. When we marry and the sex stops and I know there are many reasons why, unless its a health issue (medical procedure can hopefully resolve) we Men still want to get our swerve on. Cheating is such a big deal. I’m not suggesting its the right thing but consider how often it happens and how long it has been going on (since the beginning or fall of man Gn 3). TRUTH: If I was NOT called to marriage (desire sexual fulfillment) and not singleness (celebate – None sexual desire and not gay) I would NOT have ever gotten married. Sorry folks but I can do just about everything a women can do i.e., cook, do domestic chores, etc. Sex is for the most part the ONLY thing can’t do on my own. Now, don’t get made at me for expressing my opinion. WE men need to stop playing games and let women know where we are focused. We are more than just sex but Please know sex is tops on our list of expectations if we’re honest. I’ll stop but I could write a book.
laketarenal says
This article was very on point and on time. Too many of us think we get married so that we will have someone to be there for and love us. It’s about what they can get out of it and as soon as they don’t get what they want they’re out the door. This is so not what marriage is. Being a part of this beautiful union that God has blessed many with means disowning yourself completely and put someone elses interests before youre own. Being completely selfless. Now if you have two people with this same thinking that is indeed a blessing.
JT says
Wow….it couldn’t be said more perfect than this. I’ve been married for almost 10 years and if we could have read this before we got married,we would have had a greater understanding of what to expect from each other. This one article could have eliminated issues over the years by nothing that your going to be happy everyday and a happy “Christ” means a happy life.
mochazina says
How did I miss this one?!?! Great follow up article!! 😀
Eva Jefferson says
Thank you for this information about marriage although I’m divorced , I believe what you said about not to make you happy but to teach you to grow up. I needed to know because I did serve in my marriage and things started to get rocky and I didn’t fight for it I let it go. There was adultery and I decided that was the end. The Bible says let every woman havew her own husband and every man his own wife and love your wife as Christ loved the church.
Val says
Ephesians 5 tells me that marriage is about husbands loving their wives and about wives respecting their husbands. It may not state that we are going to be happy for the rest of our lives but wives and husbands must learn to get along and treat each other well and the kids must see this. Who benefits if your children see a quarrelsome marriage. As you are stating, If God didn’t promise us a happy marriage then where is this stated in the bible? Just asking…
maelin says
I love your article! But my question is: what about marriages that exists with physical, verbal and psychological abuse? Should one still stay and get committed to a marriage which is not healthy anymore for each spouse physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually? What if one spouse is willing to CHANGE, to GROW UP, TO LOVE ACTIVELY, to humbly learn more about oneself, to uphold the sanctity of marriage, to WORK IT OUT and give more than 50% of his/ her share (going an extra-extra mile in the married life), but still the other half is not willing to “invest in” for the success of the marriage (as willed by God?)…Must the aggrieved party still stay? I have seen many marriages with one spouse (especially the women) suffer this way…they still stick around even when physical abuse is apparent. Denise, can you address this concern? Thank you!
tractari Auto timisoara says
Hi, yeah this paragraph is really nice and I
have learned lot of things from it concerning blogging.
thanks.
counterstrike go aimbot says
Attractive section of content. I simply stumbled upon your site
and in accession capital to assert that I get in fact loved
account your blog posts. Anyway I’ll be subscribing on your augment and
even I achievement you get admission to consistently quickly.
free iphone 4 imei unlock checker says
I’ll immediately seize your rss as I can not in finding your e-mail subscription hyperlink or e-newsletter service.
Do you’ve any? Kindly permit me recognise so that I may just subscribe.
Thanks.
www.sanalayakkabi.com says
Hello my loved one! I wish to say that this article
is awesome, nice written and include approximately all significant infos.
I would like to see extra posts like this .
Anonymous says
Loved both articles. I’ve been married for 38 years and every thing you said is absolutely spot on. We are both in our late 50’s and still love each other and we now do a lot of reminicing which keeps the fire burning.
relieve stress instantly says
On this scenario, tension administration for school children calls for constructing on educational successes.
cbb5e584b660c232b3439f5865975ddb
website marketing says
Hello there, just became aware of your blog through Google, and found that it’s truly informative.
I’m gonna watch out for brussels. I will be grateful if you continue this in future.
Many people will be benefited from your writing.
Cheers!
cbb5e584b660c232b3439f5865975ddb
kitchen appliance at lowe's says
Fill a stockpiling holder with water and begin rubbing your
garments against the washboard with cleanser. Not listed
as a separate part is a gasket in the bottom of each blade.
Newly unveiled in the late sixties, they pleased the aesthetically inclined who were tired of the.
The blades are immersed directly into the food being prepared.
We do a great deal of dryer repair calls so we realize that this is
a specific risk with dryers where the build up that normally gathers inside of
the machine and vents can get to be developed and in the end will burst into flames.