Being in a committed relationship is a want. It’s not a need or something we have to do. We have to make a choice to want to be committed to another person. So how do you handle it when you want a commitment, but your “good man” is dragging his feet on making that choice?
Here is an example of a good man who was commitment adverse and how to deal with a good man who won’t commit.
He Loves Me, He Loves Me…Kinda?
One of my coaching clients said her biggest challenge was that she was dating a man for several years. He wanted to be with her, but he wouldn’t commit. He treated her extremely well. They went on trips, their families knew each other and liked the young man. He tried to, generally, do all he could to make her happy.
The issue was that every time they got extremely close and the idea of marriage or engagement was broached, he would push away. He would push away to the extent that they would break up. Eventually he would come back and start the cycle all over again.
However, she wanted marriage, children, and a family life. He continually was non-committal on the subject. So, there was a point when she finally made a decision. She decided she wanted what she wanted. And if their needs didn’t align, that was ok.
She was moving on to find someone who would align with her needs. And, if he didn’t want marriage, then he couldn’t come back…. But he did come back and he married her. The key here is not to look at her decision as an ultimatum (it was not), but to look at her decision and realize his lack of interest in commitment, fear of commitment or enjoying his freedom had nothing to do with her. She didn’t force him to commit, she made the decision to do what was best for her.
Let’s look at how we deal with a man who won’t commit by moving forward according the information we have, not our emotions.
Four Points on How to Deal With Your “Good Man” Who Won’t Commit
- Find out if his wants and desires align with yours. Often, we get in relationships and never really talk about what we want. As an example, you may want commitment and he may be cool with a friends with benefits type of relationship. But you never discuss it, so one of you is unhappy. Be clear on his wants and needs and clearly express your wants and needs. Find out if they are in alignment.
- Take him at his word. If he’s cool with the lack of commitment, but you want commitment, don’t be mad when you’re still in the relationship five years later ‘hoping’ for him to change. He told you what’s up…believe him!
- Evaluate the information. If you learn that his desires don’t align with yours and he told you this in no uncertain terms, the ball is in your court. He might string you along to get what he wants, but again, he told you how he feels and now it’s up to you to make a decision. Make an informed decision based on the facts—which leads me to my last point…
- Effect change. If I go to Target to buy my wife some Christian Louboutin’s and they tell me they don’t have them, should I wait? Do I think they are going to change their mind? They might string me along to try to sell me something else, but they can’t sell me what they don’t have, and what they aren’t getting. If your man hasn’t committed, hasn’t shown any sign of committing and told you he’s not committing, he can’t give you what he doesn’t have. It’s time to move on. Your “good man” isn’t good for you.
You can waste a lot of time waiting on what you think of as a good man to “come around” who has no intention of committing to you fully. If your standard is commitment through marriage, then the good man for you is one where his needs align with yours. He puts you first and if you want a ring, he’s going to put a ring on it. Stick to your standards and the right “good man” will one day fulfill that commitment.