Imagine you have a fun adult trip planned to a beautiful sunny destination with your spouse and a group of friends. Plane tickets are purchased and the hotel room has already been booked. But your spouse has never flown and once you arrive at the airport, he/she decides they are just too afraid to fly. No amount of coaching, support, medication or liquor is able to get them to change their mind and actually get on that plane. Do you still go on the trip, or do you stay behind with your spouse?
This real life scenario recently occurred to someone in my circle, and as you might have guessed a very telling discussion ensued. I must say, the difference of opinion was quite interesting. On one hand, there were some who thought the best course of action was to leave the spouse (who was afraid to fly) behind. The thinking was that both partners shouldn’t have to suffer for the one partner’s fears. Especially if the trip had already been paid for. Why waste the money, and the amount of fun to be had. The thinking was that the spouse (who was afraid to fly) would understand and expect their partner to go on without them.
The other point of view in this conversation was from those who had the same idea I did; you don’t leave your spouse behind no matter what. Sometimes, unfortunately, we may have to do without. I couldn’t imagine enjoying myself fully, knowing my partner couldn’t be there with me. Friends or no friends, my vacations are better when my spouse is included. I learned early on in marriage that sacrifices would have to be made. I don’t even want to think of how my husband might feel knowing I chose something over him. Probably betrayed and unloved. I never want to be responsible for causing him to feel like that.
Loyalty is that key ingredient in a marriage most people fail to mention very often. But it’s necessary and a confirmation of quite a few things, like love, sacrifice and selflessness. Our spouse and his/her feelings have to become a priority. I would rather have a happy, peaceful home filled with love, than one where everything goes my way, and I’m miserable. When each partner is fulfilled, the marriage is at its absolute best.
Oh and by the way, this wife decided to stand by her man and not get on that plane.
BMWK, let’s hear from you, what would you do in this situation?
That husband sounds like a big baby for wasting everyone’s time and ruining their trip. He should have sucked it up and gotten on the plane for the sake of his wife who was excited about the trip and probably spent time in addition to money to plan for the trip and take time off work. Its not like he was violently ill and could not go, that would be a different scenario.
I would go and have fun. I don’t appreciate how one spouse has the weight of guilt on his/her shoulders for even entertaining the idea of leaving despite the other spouse’s fears, but the kill joy spouse doesn’t have to feel guilty for ruining fun and wasting money and being a fun snatchers.
I would leave. No reason for the both of us to stay home in boredom. One spouse shouldn’t be able to waste money and ruin the other’s good time. That man should have seen how much that trip meant to his wife, and displayed strength and manliness by overcoming his fear of flying. If my man couldn’t do that, I don’t expect him to protect our house from killers and predators.
I’d go. I can enjoy myself fully without my spouse.
My husband doesn’t like to travel. We’ve been a few places together, but he’s pretty much a homebody. Me? I like to go. So when I can, I do. Why should I sit around and miss out on the wonders of traveling this world because of his issues? This was something we discussed before we married. I’m fine with him not wanting to travel a lot and he’s fine with my going without him. It works for us.
I find it interesting that your (hypothetical) going would be your choosing something over him. Is he not choosing his fear over your happiness? Are your choices less important than his?
The title should be
What would you do? Ruin your spouse’s fun or suck it up, face your fears and put someone else before your fears?
Afterall, you’re supposed to put your spouse before any and all, so is one spouse’s fears the exception to the rule? If I were the fun snatching spouse, I would feel really bad.
Right!!!!
I am sure it was established that he was fearful of flying before all the plans were made. So i am sure there must have been some agreement about the plans. If at the end he decides not to because of his fears then why should the other partner be punished for it. She should have gone but kept him up to date and still be in constant communication with him. It is not as if she is cheating. I fear that sometimes us women become too loss in our spouses that we forget to enjoy life by ourselves at time.
Who know may be this trip would have been an alone time for her to retrospect on life, the relationship, the future just do not know what it would have been. You have to focus on the deeper aspects on not just skim of it. It could have been God planning it this way for her. You just don’t know how much you needed something until you have gotten it. She should have gone on the trip.
i think he needs to face his fear and the consequences of that fear at some point. Isn’t the spouse enabling his fear by giving in at that point? If I had such a fear I wouldn’t book the flight and do that to my loved ones, and if it mattered that much to both of us I would fly.
One of my good friends went through something similar several years ago with her husband. They were going on a cruise and flew down to Miami where they would board the ship. Minutes before boarding, her hubby couldn’t find his passport anywhere…they went back through luggage and everything else. Come to find out, he had left it at home…in MD!!! She had about 10-15 minutes to decide if she was going to go on the cruise by herself, and he would stay with family in FL for the week, or stay back and miss the trip they’d planned and paid for. She chose to go on the cruise. Personally, I wouldn’t have gone because I would’ve been miserable. But everyone is differnt I guess.
If I knew my spouse had a serious fear of flying, we would probably hold off on booking any big trips until we were able to confirm that he would be okay with it.
Christine, I gotta think about that scenario. Oh, no! That’s a little different because the passports are in both of our control. But it IS Miami and he did have family there so he would be okay. Wasting money is definitely something that makes me bristle. I’d probably still go, but I’d feel horrible that somehow we both missed packing his passport.
I don’t think there is one right answer here. If he is that afraid of flying, then I am sure she has flown many places without him. I think if it was the first time that this has happened, then I would stay and console my spouse. But, if this is an ongoing thing, then you need to have a backup plan. So what are we going to do if you don’t get on that plane. Should we rent a car. Should I go without you? Should we plan something different? Both sides have to compromise here. Knowing my husband. …. He would not want me to miss my trip. I would not want him to miss his trip either. I could see us both in the airport saying….” Please go……don’t ruin your time off because of me!”
I am also wondering why this trip was purchased if the fear was that great.
Thanks for stating it that way, Ronnie. 🙂
I think you know your spouse and my spouse would know I would want them to go. My last-minute realization of my fear shouldn’t keep them from having a good time with our friends. Standing by someone doesn’t always mean being in their space. Knowing your partner’s heart’s desire is important, too. I would never want my man to miss something like that last minute. And knowing how the opportunity might not come again (especially with my new-found flying aversion) I would definitely pull for them going.
I don’t think anyone should judge another’s marriage or tell them how things should go down. Some things work for some and not others. Standing by someone means honoring what they want; and if my spouse wants to go somewhere without me, I trust them to do that especially if we’ve talked about it and understand each other.
The real question is…why ask your partner to fly if you know they are afraid? And I doubt that I’m going to use an expensive trip with other people involve to help my spouse face their fear of flying.