When Love Doesn’t Feel So Good……get the help you need
Let’s just be honest, every day of marriage doesn’t feel so good. This thing called love doesn’t always look like what you think love’s gonna look like.
I remember a day, when dark clouds moved into my car every time I drove down my street. The heavy black clouds that changed my mood in an instant were a reminder that I was almost home. When I should’ve been seeing a rainbow, instead, I felt, I saw, I heard storm clouds brewing… in my mind and in my heart.
I love this man but this did not feel like love. Somebody, anybody, help or I’m out!
I love this man but this did not feel like love. Somebody, anybody, help or I’m out! Yet, how could anybody help when no one knew what was going on? Because when I walk out the door to this house and go to work I smile like nothing is wrong. When I go to church on Sunday I smile and nod like everything is okay.
Is this the way all married people live? It can’t be. We had no picture, no example of how a marriage worked and winging it was proving not to be enough. So that was it. Packed up my car, packed up my baby and I was out.
A whole two weeks, that’s how long I was gone, not even long enough for my pillow to get cold, but long enough to feel like forever; I wanted my marriage. At the end of that two weeks, in a quiet firm voice, my mother-in-law said something I will never forget, “Deborah Mills take yourself back home. You never open up your home for another woman to come in.” I heard her loud and clear.
Enough foolishness, time to join the big people’s club, put our differences aside and decide to love. We thought we knew what love was, as it happened we didn’t know much.
We got the help we needed by attending counseling sessions once a week for a year and a half. There were many tears and moments of anger but they were all worth it. We learned that love takes work, education, and a conscious decision.
This was over 20 years ago. Just like then, we know now, we’re not alone. There are many couples going through the same thing we went through and suffering in silence. Reach out; get the needed support -books, your church, couples counselors, marriage coaches. Your marriage is a terrible thing to waste.
BMWK Have you ever been where we were; are you there right now; can you relate?
*Abuse was not present in our relationship. If any type of abuse is present seek immediate safety.
You are absolutely correct! Things do get difficult in a marriage and in order to weather the storm, it is important to seek the necessary help. If there is a communication issue – counseling, if there is a financial issue – an accountant, whatever the issue there is a professional on the outside to help. Thanks for this piece!
Thanks Donnie!There really are qualified people willing to help where help is needed.
Excellent post Deborah! Great reminder to folks to get help for their relationships instead of suffering in silence….don’t wait until you are ready to leave to try to get help as a last ditch effort….be pro-active in turning your situation around for the better!
That’s it, be proactive while hope is still on the scene. Ronnie, thanks for leaving a comment.
So, you moved back hone out of fear that your husband might use that free time to screw someone else? Ouch. Your marriage was in trouble, but all you could care about was that? Therapy, honey.
Infidelity was never an issue even though there were troubles. The encouraging thing is that therapy and counseling is available. Thanks for the post.
Deborah can I ask you a question? If married family members offer to sit around and have general conversation about marriage and other life situations, dealing with themselves and your marriage and everything, would you suggest do it or not?
You know your family better than anyone, as well you know how these conversations have gone in the past. Do you [or your mate] come away from them feeling encouraged or discouraged? Decide if it is harmful or beneficial to your marriage to be a part of the conversations, then go in the direction of what will benefit your relationship.
Ive been married on and off for 7 years. It doesn’t feel like love. I too put on a smile but am emotionally and verbally abused. If I speak my mind with anything that is a communication problem and he starts yelling and belittling me for example telling me he’s going to get his women then saying I’m just kidding. Or calling me fat or other names. How an I love a man emotionally, sexually, or any other way when I’m so broke down. My escape is my kids. I try to not be around him or the only time I can be is when we’re drunk. This is not the type f marriage I want. I want to yearn to love to feel that magic. I only feel heartbreak. Ugliness, rudeness. I am at a loss. I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions? We just talked about divorce today or should I say a screaming match of saying divorce. I feel like tis is it? GOD has given us so many chances to get away from each other before it gets physical.
Verbal abuse doesn’t feel good by any means. Remember that you have greatness on the inside of you. When things are calm are you able to talk to your spouse about getting the support you both need?
The only advice your mother in law could give you is “You never open up your home for another woman to come in”. What she should have been telling the both of you is that you need to pray and seek God’s guidance. But your mother in law sounds like a complete and insecure fool!! I hope you never took another word of advice from that nut basket. I tell you, those women of “that” generation couldn’t survive without having a man by their side – you truly have to feel sorry for “that” generation of women your mother in law is apart of, low self-esteem, uneducated, no career path or sense of self without a man. smh
Sounding like you are right now Mrs. Jones, seems as if you have some issues going on. I see you are very firm with your statement as to say, “I’m not taking anything from any man of mine.” That’s just the tone you are giving off and from what I can tell. You have some serious controlling issues that a weaker man wouldn’t mind dealing with. I hope you deal with your issues as we all have them, but some things a strong man will not deal with, because there can only be one man in the house.
This was a very good article. However, I believe both parties have to be willing to do the work in order for the marriage to be saved. We’ve been married 12 years and finally agreed to work on exiting the marriage. We’ve talked about it many times before, but this time I’m putting my words into action. When someone shows you who they REALLY are, believe them. (Maya Angelou)
Yes it does take both parties working to better the marriage. You are right.
I am in a Christian marriage that seems to be stuck. We have been married 2 years with a 2 year old child. The first year and half was good up and downs like any other marriage. My husband and I love each other deeply we have no problem showing and giving affection and physically loving to each other he is a great father, brother, son and friend but in the not so good times my husband can be verbally and emotionally abusive then saying I am the one that makes him this way, its my fault. He says and does emotionally hurtful and damaging things then wants to argue about it into the wee hours of the morning. Until recently I had been mostly passive tried not to argue back to keep the peace but surprise..that did not work. I know vocalise when I am not happy or in agreement with something and it seems to have made things worse. The stress of this has affected my health and have had 3 trips to the emergency room with signs of early stroke. I love my husband and do not want to break our family unit. Was I wrong for speaking up. Please help.
You are never wrong for having an opinion. Sounds like the love between you is genuine. You have a Christian marriage would your husband consent to getting support from your local church if they are able to offer the needed support?
No not really he doesn’t want us talking our business with anyone including family as they “always take the woman’s side”. Also I did ignore some red flags when we were courting and engaged but I believed in our love and that with God we would be fine. I think I was a little naive as he was my first relationship that lasted more than 6 months. Also he came to Christ months before we married. I have been in the faith my whole life but not without my own personal stumbles as I know I am not perfect but my respect and trust in him and us have now been pushed right out there I am thinking did we rush in…
Family is usually not the best people to talk to about your marital challenges. Since your are both Christians try some Christian books on marriage. Or even Christian television. There is a good show that offers lots of practical marriage help called Marriage Today. Even if you just sit down and start watching it you may receive something of benefit for both of you. Try not to dwell on the fact that you rushed into this, move forward to find some light at the end of the tunnel.
I am feeling like giving up too. I been married six years. We do not have good examples of how a marriage should be. We are learning together. Part of me do not want to give up, because I feel like that is the coward thing to do. Sometimes I feel like I stuck in a rock and a hard place. I love my husband, but at times I feel unappreciated. I feel like I am the only one wanting to fix our marriage. I been praying and just taking it a day at a time.
Are there any good couples workshops in your area? Many couples really love each other but problem solving is an issue. If there no workshops in your area get a good marriage book and delve in. Gary Chapman and Gary Smalley have good marriage books.
I’ve been married for two decades plus n we went thru some stuff including infidelity. We both love each other n went to counseling for two months which was hard because my husband wasn’t for it for the longest. A huge problem was verbal abuse n fear along with little means to support our huge family. Now, I walk on eggshells again for fear of him lashing out but he is still not looking for another job or better paying one n I beg him to do the budget with me because if he sees I paid things n left us with no money, he will blow up. I feel myself going back to wanting out.
Talk to your spouse. If you have dinner in an open restaurant it encourages both parties to keep their cool and not get over excited in a public place. This works for some yet you know your spouse better than anyone else.
I’m recently engaged… I was excited when he first proposed. I think it was more so the hype of being propose to and now being engaged. It hasn’t been that long and here are these feelings of uneasiness. It hurts to say this but I’m not sure if I want to marry this man. We’ve have some issues before being engaged but I feel like nothing is going to change. He doesn’t want to go to school, or church. Yes he was like this before getting engaged. And no I don’t think I could change him but I thought when he propose that he would change himself. I’ve asked him serious questions about our future, finance, and goals. Most of his answers are usually “I don’t know” or “I just want kids, wife and a house.” I’m post because I do love him but I’m not sure if I’m in love with him. I don’t want to hurt him, or family but I honestly don’t know what to do…
Have you thought about premarital counseling? It would allow both of you to work through some of the feeling you are experiencing now, before you are married. Can you answer why you thought he would change himself after proposing? You don’t have to post it here but answer that question for you. What made you think that by him proposing he would change from being the person you currently know him to be? He just wants kids, wife, and a house…is that okay with you? Ask yourself the hard questions and answer as HONESTLY as possible.
Anonymous, he really needs a plan for the future. Going into a marriage with nothing set forth with regards to setting goal for the both of you to accomplish isn’t going to workout to well. If you are already feeling that way before you get married, I can promise you that it’s not going to get any better afterwards. It appears that he has a little more growing up to do and learn how to be more of a man, husband and father before assuming the role. A lot of us find out the hard way, but there is no going back once you cross that bridge. I hope you get the answers you are looking for and that he understands his roles to come if you decide to continue the relationship.
Yes please do not rush in. Take your time and work out any kinks you may have before taking marriage vows. You both will be thankful you did further down the line whatever path your current relationship takes. Please take wise sound advise from us that have been in similar scenarios. I do hope it works out well for you both.
I have talked to my spouse countless times and yes, he blows up in restaurants, churches, work…he is no respecter of person, place or thing…just last night I talked to him about a lot because he asked me..i asked if we could go to a counselor because i am fearful to talk to him again. he said a counselor would only tell us what we already know. i took the leap of faith n started expressing to which he acknowledged that he would do better on two accounts but when i told him how the anger filled bouts frighten me to no end and how embarrassing they are and a real turn off, he told me that that is the way he is and he sees nothing wrong with it. I just got quiet cause he was getting angry. When he stopped I just silently thanked God for the two positions that he said he would work on. Today, I came home to see no change in the two things however. I know change doesn’t happen over night but I have to admit that it was disheartening not to see any effort. I’m not giving up. I think counseling is needed again.
As you stay in faith also stay safe as you thank God for the little steps.