Effective communication eliminates confusion, brings clarity to disagreements and is needed to create relationship solutions. The better a couple is at communicating, the stronger their partnership will be. Sharing what’s bothering you, your goals for the relationship and what you need in order to feel loved, are all necessary conversations to be had.

As a Love Coach, I am always challenging couples to show up better, ask for what they want and talk about what’s not working as well. If there is a problem with one half of the relationship, there is a problem with the whole relationship.

Of course how we manage our individual flaws plays a role in the success we’ll have in love. Not addressing them appropriately will cause challenges you’d rather avoid. Being honest about who you are and what you could be doing better, is an adult move each of us has to make. If the goal is to be a great spouse or partner, you have to be willing to examine what prevents you from doing so. Take an inner look, own it and look for ways to correct it. Pointing out the flaws in your partner, however, is not as simple.

While having an open and honest conversation is key, we also must be mindful of the information we’re actually sharing.

Everyone was born with flaws. You and your spouse included. Usually we see them prior to getting married, and they aren’t a surprise. Somehow those same flaws now begin to drive us crazy. Quite naturally we want to bring them to our spouse’s attention. We want them eliminated because, I guess we start to feel as if it’s a flaw we should never have accepted in the first place. Having a conversation with your spouse about it, feels natural in this moment, right? Our expectation that they change this thing, that they’ve probably possessed well before we met them, that we were okay with in the beginning of the relationship, now has to change. Imagine how hard this would be to hear. To think, your spouse understood your flaw, and loved you in spite of it; so you thought. For the sake of our relationships, we have to be selective about the flaws we actually do make a big deal of. There should be careful consideration taken, when deciding which ones to address.  Here are examples of the pet peeves you should actually be discussing your marriage:

The ones that cause you any type of insecurity. If your spouse nitpicks or only points out the negatives about you or your relationship, it must be discussed. Being honest about how that makes you feel will help your partner better understand your point of view.

The ones that cause you the most frustrations. If socks on the floor is not that big of deal, and you don’t mind cleaning up behind your partner, then don’t worry about addressing it. However, if there is a behavior your spouse displays that causes you frustrations, makes you want to shut down, or even yell, you have to address it. They may not think it’s a big deal, but if it is to you, it needs to be shared.

The ones that make you doubt or question you’ve married the right person. If your spouse has a bad habit of flirting with others, or is rude or disrespectful, it shouldn’t be ignored. Although it may be a difficult conversation, it should be had, especially if you’re considering other options.

Of course not everything that irks us needs to be addressed. However, we can’t turn a blind eye to those things that could potentially ruin our marriage. Dealing with it and giving our partner an opportunity to correct, is always the best route.

BMWK, what pet peeves do you think should be discussed in a marriage?