The last few weeks I have been on cloud nine because I was named director of the marriage ministry at my church. I am excited about this ministry because of my passion for relationships and marriage and because this particular ministry is new to my church. I don’t take this responsibility lightly as the couples in our community need much prayer, encouragement, and support.
Being assigned to this role brings a lot of responsibility. Praying for and ministering to couples all come with the territory. A major part of this ministry was creating a vision and mission statement. Sitting down and putting down on paper all the ideas I have for marriages and sharing God’s vision of marriage with others is no easy task.
My first step was to pray over the ministry and the couples that will benefit. After prayer and as I created the vision, it hit me. As the marriage ministry leader my marriage is on display and I must lead by example. Any time you are in a leadership position people are going to look to you for guidance in that particular area. And the expectation will be for me and my husband to display a healthy marriage and in a way become a mentor couple. I am not one to run from a challenge, so I jump fully into this role with both feet.
Thinking about this position brings to mind the couples I consider my own marriage mentors and what I am learning by observing them. The couples I admire consistently display the following qualities:
- They have a strong connection that can be felt whenever you are in their presence. In some cases I have even noticed them anticipating the other’s needs.
- They value one another. The communication is delivered with gentleness and respect and they only speak positive words about their mate.
- There is joy. It isn’t fake or phony; they are truly happy to be together.
- Others want what they have. Their marriage is often desired by those in their company. Single people are hoping to have a marriage like theirs.
- They still seem to be very attracted to one another. A few of the couples have been together for 10+ years, but the way they look at one another confirms the fire is still burning.
- They completely support one another. The couples I admire always lift one another up. I often hear them promoting the other and never having an ill word to say about their spouse.
- They have made it through storms and are still going strong.
- They understand and demonstrate the true meaning of commitment, sacrifice and dedication.
While I take on this huge new task I am encouraged by all my mentor couples and I pray that my marriage will also be an inspiration to others.
BMWK Family, do you have a mentor couple? If so, what qualities do they possess that you admire the most?
I love your list! Those are the qualities to look for in a marriage! I would add that the mentor couple must have a strong commitment to marriage (theirs, as well as, others) even when things are not currently going well. When their marriage goes through the rough times, it’s necessary that they ask themselves, “Is this the hill I want to die on?” Skills (that can be shared with others) to successfully navigate through a storm are crucial in any couple that I would consider mentors.
Thank you and well said!
I love your list! Those are the qualities to look for in a marriage! I would add that the mentor couple must have a strong commitment to marriage (theirs, as well as, others) even when things are not currently going well. When their marriage goes through the rough times, it’s necessary that they ask themselves, “Is this the hill I want to die on?” Skills (that can be shared with others) to successfully navigate through a storm are crucial in any couple that I would consider mentors.
Great list Tiya and congratulations on becoming the marriage ministry head.
Thanks Lamar!
Great list Tiya and congratulations on becoming the marriage ministry head.
This is a great list!!! Unfortunately my husband and I don’t have marriage mentors or really anyone to go to when we are weathering the storms of life. We tried talking to our pastor about 2 yrs ago and found that outside of the biblical mentoring our relationship stumped him, and this is nothing negative against him but we’ve got a lot of dynamics with a large in house family, his older children, etc. And for us, other than the older married couples(his grandparents 60+ yrs, my parents 40 yrs) there aren’t many that have stuck to it as long as we have with our 19 yrs.
The Mrs.,
I love the honesty in your reply re: your pastor being stumped by some of your issues. My husband and I have found this to be true also, and a real issue in the church. We’ve been married 19 years, as well; 20 in December.
You’re blesssed to have mentor couples in the family; my husband and I have only one. Lots of couples “died” on a certain hill and that “great cloud of witnesses” has grown smaller and smaller.
When that happens, you look around and see that it’s you who’s the mentor couple, ’cause you’re the ones left standing!
God bless you, Tiya Cunningham-Sumter! And God bless you, The Mrs.!
Thank you PKnight!!!!
The Mrs.,
I love the honesty in your reply re: your pastor being stumped by some of your issues. My husband and I have found this to be true also, and a real issue in the church. We’ve been married 19 years, as well; 20 in December.
You’re blesssed to have mentor couples in the family; my husband and I have only one. Lots of couples “died” on a certain hill and that “great cloud of witnesses” has grown smaller and smaller.
When that happens, you look around and see that it’s you who’s the mentor couple, ’cause you’re the ones left standing!
God bless you, Tiya Cunningham-Sumter! And God bless you, The Mrs.!
The Mrs, it sounds like YOU are the mentor couple.
Pknight…thanks. Although we do have 2 older couples we don’t go to them at all…I was completely turned off when his grandmother (in regular conversation) said that women need to be hit, uh no!!! I don’t feel like we are ready to be anyone’s mentor couple, although we have weathered plenty of storms I feel like we still have room for improvement. I am very lucky to have my cousin who is 5 yrs older than me and has roughly the same number of years more than us in a serious relationship/marriage. There have been times that I was ready to throw in the towel and she puts me in check!!!
Tiya…keep up the good work, I love reading your articles and this one was right on time!!!
Sometimes we don’t see ourselves the way others see us. I believe you are already a mentor couple, first in the length of your marriage, secondly, your storms may save someone from going through a hurricane. The fact that you see you have room for improvement shows those who see you as a mentor that it is a journey and not a destination. We all judge ourselves sometimes harder than others. Continue to stay in prayer and know that God is the ultimate gps, you’ll never get lost or make the wrong turn.
Don’t give up; don’t loose faith. God has given mentors to you- your parents and your husband’s grandparents. They are the divine example of living the marriage covenant in oneness with God and each other. Embrace what you see and learn from them. Also, perhaps introducing a scheduled monthly family meeting will help the whole family within your household live together in more peace & harmony.
This is a great list!!! Unfortunately my husband and I don’t have marriage mentors or really anyone to go to when we are weathering the storms of life. We tried talking to our pastor about 2 yrs ago and found that outside of the biblical mentoring our relationship stumped him, and this is nothing negative against him but we’ve got a lot of dynamics with a large in house family, his older children, etc. And for us, other than the older married couples(his grandparents 60+ yrs, my parents 40 yrs) there aren’t many that have stuck to it as long as we have with our 19 yrs.
Ms. Tiya with such an eye I believe your heart is in the right place…whatever you do keep it real because the parts you choose to cover up or hide holds the key to the next couples breakthrough…I believe the Spirit of God is with you just listen and follow His lead and you will not be put to shame and that’s the Word of God…thanks for sharing and God’s richest blessings to you and your whole household in Jesus name
Sweets_Mel,
God Bless You!! Your words of encouragement mean so much to me and were quite needed. Thank you!
Ms. Tiya with such an eye I believe your heart is in the right place…whatever you do keep it real because the parts you choose to cover up or hide holds the key to the next couples breakthrough…I believe the Spirit of God is with you just listen and follow His lead and you will not be put to shame and that’s the Word of God…thanks for sharing and God’s richest blessings to you and your whole household in Jesus name
I’m proud to state I have marriage mentors. When the you-know-what hits the fan I pull them out as my Heavy-Duty artillery. Two men who are head over heels in love with their wives. When I begin to complain, they don’t chime in with me, they ask either one or two of the following and sometimes both: “What are you doing that is contributing to this situation?” & “What are you doing to fix this situation?” They check in on me to make sure I’m on the straight and narrow and they genuinely care about my family, my heart and the success of our unit as a whole. I didn’t have premarital counseling, which was definitely a setback so to have these mentors in my corner has been key to our (better put, my) survival as a husband.
Love that EPayne! That’s what I’m talking about. People who genuinely care about your family, we need more people like that around to help support our marriages!
This is beautiful and I have been with my husband for 23 years. Keep on doing what you do and you and your husband be blessed!!
Thank you Christina!
Thank you Christina!
Thank you Christina!
Way to go Tiya! Walking firmly in your calling!
Thank you my sister!!
Thank you my sister!!
Thank you my sister!!
These are all GREAT qualities and I agree 100%! My husband and I recently wrote a book which essentially highlights our marriage mentors who happened to be black couples. The couples for our book were selected using the same type of criteria and we include a color photo, the couples story and their advice for making their relationships last. The book is titled, Shades of Love: Portraits of Successful Marriages and is available on our website http://www.shadesoflovebook.com
Your book sounds like an awesome read. I will definitely check it out.
Your book sounds like an awesome read. I will definitely check it out.
Congratulations on becoming the head of the marriage ministry at your church, what an honor!
My husband and I do not have a couple that mentors us. We have been married for 9 years and it has been bumpy sometimes, but the smooth parts make up for it. Of course I like to look to Jesus and the relationship that He has with the Church as the prime example. Also my parents have been married for over 30 years and are a great example. However, my husband is not a person that likes to “share” with others and prefers to keep our marriage to ourselves, which can be a good thing. One thing we always remember from our pre-marital counseling is, our marriage is like a circle that contains us and God, everybody else is outside of the circle and that is where they should stay!
That’s right Kara, I agree with that circle that includes God, you and your spouse.
That’s right Kara, I agree with that circle that includes God, you and your spouse.
That’s right Kara, I agree with that circle that includes God, you and your spouse.
Congratulations on becoming the head of the marriage ministry at your church, what an honor!
My husband and I do not have a couple that mentors us. We have been married for 9 years and it has been bumpy sometimes, but the smooth parts make up for it. Of course I like to look to Jesus and the relationship that He has with the Church as the prime example. Also my parents have been married for over 30 years and are a great example. However, my husband is not a person that likes to “share” with others and prefers to keep our marriage to ourselves, which can be a good thing. One thing we always remember from our pre-marital counseling is, our marriage is like a circle that contains us and God, everybody else is outside of the circle and that is where they should stay!
Love this article!