Here’s the first thought that comes to mind when I read this question: Why are so many good men still single?
Good men are like fruit cakes during the holiday season. There’s always a lot of talk about them, but no one really wants one.
I was asked to respond to the question above, which was posed in a relationship group that I was invited to join on Facebook. What was particularly interesting about this post was that it was written by a man, posing a question about relationships. Though he presented the topic as a question, I’m certain his intent was to create an atmosphere where good men could list the reasons for their prolonged singleness and not so much to find the answers why.
So where do you begin to answer that question when the general consensus is that there is a shortage of good men—especially good black men? Many women claim they have difficulty finding good men. Some settle for lesser men as a result of this alleged shortage. But, is there, in fact, a shortage… or is there something else at play?
Truthfully, that’s a loaded question. There’s a number of different angles from which to approach this question. So here’s how I answer it:
I was single for years for various reasons. Sometimes, ladies are so familiar with boys who lie, cheat and use them. So when a good a man comes along and behaves as a mature man should, they’re even more suspicious of him than they are of the players they can read from a mile away. And thus these women give time and space in their lives to these same “bad” men.
For these ladies, the expectations of men in general are lowered by their encounters from prior relationships with males who were unfit to be called men. Sadly, these males are the ones that many good women think they can change into “good” men. Therefore, these guys are never single. They stay in constant rotation going from one woman to the next, leaving a trail of damage behind them.
When a good man does arrive, the woman is emotionally unavailable. Her self-esteem has been diminished. When he begins to treat her as though she is highly valuable (as he should because she is), it creates all sorts of internal conflict within her mentally and emotionally. She questions why he’s being so good to her because her past relationships have convinced her that she deserves less; therefore she may find it wrong, unappealing or unattractive when someone does treat her good. She questions his angle. His behavior is unfamiliar and scares the hell out of her, especially when he’s not pressuring her for sex (another sign that she’s become used to from other male suitors).
It’s easier for her to trust what’s become familiar than to risk the unknown even when what she’s familiar with doesn’t serve her well. Thus, the good man remains single until one woman is willing to take the calculated risk of being loved by him. I believe good men are a product of supply and demand. When the demand increases so will the product.
While this is one reason (which primarily involves the choice of a woman), there are many other reasons why men are single (which involve the male’s behaviors and decisions). In my part II of this post, I explore those reasons too. But until then, ladies please respond to the question below.
BMWK, if good men exist, why can’t you find one?