I’m not ashamed to say that for the past week or so, the grind of being a work-at-home mom was getting to me. I was angry and tired and just ready for someone else to step up and take the wheel while I took a nap in the backseat, you know? I was tired of cleaning the house every day, and working until 3 a.m. and cooking three meals a day and taking care of the kids all day. School is looming on the horizon and I just really wanted some help before my workload got heavier.
So who did I take my frustrations out on? My husband. He came in the door one day this week and felt the wrath of everything I had kept bottled up inside. Poor thing. Didn’t even see it coming.
But instead of walking away feeling like I had gotten something off my chest, I felt worse. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings “” I just wanted him to bring me home some flowers or to bring dinner home one night a week. In short, I wanted him to make more of an effort to help me manage this household. I instinctively knew that fussing like a lunatic wasn’t going to help matters, but I lacked the energy to add a little sugar to my message to help it go down.
So I just laid low. Decided not to talk much until I could figure out how to alleviate some of this stress off my back. And wouldn’t you know, I learn the greatest lessons when I’m just chitchatting with my kids.
I had my breakthrough earlier this week as I was scrambling to toss some clothes on the kids so we could run an errand. I rummaged through my daughter’s dresser, looking for a shirt, when I noticed her top drawer was broken.
I pushed on the loose screw, trying to move it back in place. It wasn’t budging. “It’ll be fine. I’ll have Daddy look at it when he gets home.”
Well, as you can probably guess, the rest of the day was busy, busy, busy and I didn’t get a chance to tell him.
The next day, I get a shirt and I remember the darn drawer is still broken.
“Why didn’t Daddy fix it?” my daughter asked.
“Because he didn’t know it was broken,” I said without thinking.
And then bam! It hit me. The greatest of epiphanies. I didn’t expect him to just know that the drawer was broken. I would have to tell him.
For all my husband’s good qualities, being a mind reader or emotion evaluator are not on that list. He pretty much assumes everything is fine unless I tell him otherwise. So I must learn to tell him when things are indeed “otherwise.”
It seems so simple, but I really struggle with this, having to work to get my needs met. I just want to relax. Now I gotta tell someone how to help me so I can relax? Extra work. Don’t feel like doing it.
So since I know my husband is not a mind reader, it falls on me to make sure we stay on the same page and work together to keep the workload as even as we can. It’s a task that will have to stay on my to-do list, and I guess that’s okay if the end result is that we argue less and love each other more.
Tell you me, BMWK family. Do you have trouble asking for what you need in your relationship?
Martha A. Snowden says
This is so true I have found that a lot of the times that I am frustrated with what I perceive to be a lack of interest or concern regarding our household and its responsibilities is really a lack of communincation on my part of what I need help with. I guess my question would then be how to communicate my needs(family needs) without becoming his parent too. I want a partner in this not another person to ive instructions to, I really wnt my husband to tune in and acknowledge that some of the stuff he can figureout on his own and take the initative to do without being asked or at least ask if there is anything he cna do to help….Am I asking too much? on the other hand a lot of times a sty at home aspouse is very particular about how things are done and it can be intimidating for the other spouse to come in and feel confortable helping out
Jayeb1 says
Yes, you’re right, my wife is a stay at home mom and anytime I ask if there is something I can help her with, she does give me that “no I’ll do it cause I do this or that a certain way. I agree alot of times it’s about the communication and not the preceived notion that we are not interested. I can speak for myself that I’m always willing to help, but if I don’t know, I feel as though I should be informed and not read the riot act…….Always a work in progress, just speaking from a husbands point of view.
Jacim86 says
Great post. I have been going through something like this myself. I kept assuming that he realized everything was hitting the fan but he didn’t. I just kept beating a horse until I almost lost everything. Learning to communicate… Over communicate if necessary is the ONLY way it can work!
Anonymous says
@ TARA* – let me share the words of DR. BOB MOREHEAD with you – something I believe that is crucial to our lives having a balance… The reason why I believe most couples are out of balance (especially Christian couples) is the “FRUIT” of the SPIRIT* called “TEMPERANCE”… When we understand this invaluable fruit and how it can bring a new quality to our stressful lifestyles – we will start to have a rethink about the FOCUS* and direction our lives is taking…
Below are the words of DR. BOB*… Be blessed!!!
Anonymous says
The paradox of our time in history is
that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider freeways , but
narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but
enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more
conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more
knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more
medicine, but less wellness…
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too
little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too
tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom…
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often…
We’ve learned how to make a living, but not a life. We’ve added years
to life not life to years. We’ve been all the way to the moon and back,
but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We
conquered outer space but not inner space. We’ve done larger things, but
not better things…
We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We’ve conquered the
atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan
more, but accomplish less. We’ve learned to rush, but not to wait. We
build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies
than ever, but we communicate less and less…
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and
small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the
days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality,
one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from
cheer, to quiet, to kill…
It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in
the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and
a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit
delete…
Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever…
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe,
because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side…
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is
the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn’t cost a
cent…
Remember, to say, ‘I love you’ to your partner and your loved ones,
but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it
comes from deep inside of you…
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again…
Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind…
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away…
Cindy Taylor--Affaircare says
I just wanted to let you know that I named your blog to my Top Ten Marriage Sites to help your Christian marriage grow. https://affaircare.com/2011/08/21/top-ten-marriage-sites-to-help-your-christian-marriage-grow/ There is a little badge if youd like to to display your award (Affaircare’s Hot Marriage Site Award).
Ronnie_BMWK says
Wow!! Thanks for the honor!! And thanks for all of your support of our site.