You’re going to have disagreements in your marriage. I am not sure if anyone has shared that newsflash with you before, but it is a marriage reality. Your spouse is going to do or say something that pisses you off and vice versa. It’s a fact. You, however, will have to be strategic as well as mindful in the way you respond. There is an art to disagreeing in a relationship. Although it may seem to difficult to manage the emotions that surface during times of challenge in your relationship, it can be done. This is why it’s important to have a conflict-resolution plan in place, in advance. The only thing we really have control over is how we react and respond to what angers us.
Since you are going to have conflict anyway, why not do so in a way that truly enhances your marriage and decreases the amount of destruction left behind. Every disagreement doesn’t have to end in a yelling match or leave us in a much worse space than when we entered. They should end with a solution and even better, a lesson learned. In order to have the latter outcome, we must shift our focus and consider the outcome as we head into the conflict. Working with the end result in mind is a disagreement goal every couple should set. If there isn’t a personal rule set in place prior to disagreements, individuals are liable to respond out of anger negatively and say hurtful words they will later regret. In order to avoid that particular path, there are several questions you must ask yourself in the heat of the moment that will bring you back to the goals you’ve set for your marriage.
How important is it that I be right in this situation?
What will I gain by proving I was right in this situation?
How does me being right improve our marriage?
If my goal was to heal this part of our relationship, what could I say right now?
What do I hope will happen or change as a result of this disagreement?
What do I have to do now to ensure the change I desire to see will happen?
How can I communicate my concerns in a way that helps my partner understand them better?
What do I wish I did better when it comes to managing conflict and handling our disagreements?
How can I begin to do those things better starting today?
What are some actions I need to take now to become a better listener?
Taking an honest personal assessment of how you communicate and in what areas you can improve, is necessary for your marriage. Being able to manage your anger, listen attentively and communicate in a way that leads to a positive outcome, should be the disagreement goal for every individual in a committed relationship.
BWMK, what are the disagreement goals in your marriage?
Yolonda says
This is great advice for un-married couples as well!
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter says
Yolonda, yes it is!!