By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
When I hear feedback from couples who have concerns about the amount of effort and energy their spouses are putting into the marriage, I always share what I learned from one of my favorite relationship books. The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz, forever changed how I viewed my marriage.
It is normal to have feelings of frustrations when waiting on your spouse to always do what you expect them to or to respond exactly as you would. While it may be normal, that doesn’t make it fair. Fortunately, my husband and I both learned this lesson early on in our relationship. In a recent discussion he acknowledged that if he was always giving his best, (which we agreed is much more than just the 50% we frequently hear about) that I would also meet him there and give my best. He was right.
One of the key points mentioned in The Mastery of Love is that each of us is only responsible for our half of the relationship. Imagine that. We are not responsible or to be held accountable for our spouse’s words, thoughts or actions. We must release the desire to be in control of the entire relationship.
Ruiz drives this point further home: “Just accepting this fact in your relations with other humans is very important. You cannot change other people. You love them the way they are or you don’t. You accept them the way they are or you don’t. They are what they are; you are what you are. You dance or you don’t dance.”
The entire book is powerful to relationships everywhere. But this nugget of advice has never left me since the very first moment I read it. It was as though this was exactly what I needed to know. It has cut down on the confusion that could have possibly sneaked into my marriage; and actually all of my relationships for that matter. It isn’t always easy to love and be loved. We unknowingly make our relationships more difficult than they have to be when one person tries to be the husband, the wife and everything else that the marriage needs. When in reality all we truly have to be is just us; the best of us of course. Just that one complete half of our relationship.
While releasing control of the other half of our relationships may be a little challenging, removing the stress that comes along with that is priceless. What normally happens in relationships is when one partner gives their best (in their half); the other partner is not too far behind in giving their best (in their half).
BMWK, have you felt responsible for your spouse’s half of the relationship?
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. Tiya recently created and launched (Tuesdays with Tiya) Life Editing Radio show on blogtalkradio.com. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
DesertBlack says
The Mastery of Love and The Four Agreements. I learned very valuable lessions from both books. But for me it was a little late. Did not discover them until after divorce. But for you married folk (and I am glad you still are) pick up the books, they offer a wealth of knowledge and insight. Remember respect and love each other. Peace
DesertBlack says
The Mastery of Love and The Four Agreements. I learned very valuable lessions from both books. But for me it was a little late. Did not discover them until after divorce. But for you married folk (and I am glad you still are) pick up the books, they offer a wealth of knowledge and insight. Remember respect and love each other. Peace
Tiya says
DesertBlack, I love the Four Agreements too. Both books teach valuable life lessons. Sorry to hear about the divorce and thank you for the comment.
Anonymous says
Tiya – Great post! I spent the first few years of our relationship complaining about what wasn’t right. It almost caused us to not get married. But as you pointed out there comes a point when you have to determine whether you are going to love or not. Thanks for sharing this.
Tiya says
Thanks Edward!
Jaclynbrwn says
I am sort of on the fence about this post…while I understand the notion of being responsible for your own part in the relationship, I do not necessarily agree that that is your ONLY responsibility. While its true that you cannot change people, it is your responsibility to correct them if they are doing something wrong. For instance, if your spouse gets rude and overbearing in front of company, will you just shrug and say “hey…he is who he is” or would you address that situation head on? Its not that you are trying to control him or the relationship, its more of you holding him accountable for his actions. I think that if more couples hold each other accountable for their actions, they relationship would go smoother. I wouldn’t respect my husband if he had a mentality that he will do his part only and whatever I do or say is okay because he “loves me for me.” I think that its up to each of us to hold each other at a higher standard, that “good enough” is not actually good enough. God accepts us for who we are but he also molds us into the people He wants us to be through our prayers, fasting, and understanding His word! Great post anyway!!
Tiya says
Thanks Jaclynbrwn!
I agree that we should definitely speak up and hold one another accountable. That’s what a partnership does. It is by no means letting our spouses off the hook, but I find when you lead by example, doing what you are responsible for doing, your mate will follow your lead.
april says
Thought provoking…..
MoniLove says
Thank you for this Tiya! Your words are always uplifting and encourage me to be the best me. I’m going to have to get this book!
Tiya says
Thank you MoniLove!
Irma says
Thank you for mentioning the book “The Mastery of Love.” I received it as a gift a few years ago and no time like the present to pick it up and read it again. I think I will purchase “The Four Agreements as well. Take care.
Tiya says
Irma, the “Four Agreements” was awesome as well. Enjoy!
Tiya says
Irma, the “Four Agreements” was awesome as well. Enjoy!