by Tammy Brown
“I’d leave.” That used to be my response to the question of what would I do if my husband cheated on me. The question was hypothetical at the time because I wasn’t married then. Sometime later I married the most incredible man on the planet; the father of my children and my best friend in the whole world. He is “a man after God’s own heart.” And he cheated.
I didn’t leave. It was definitely painful. In fact, it was the most painful thing I’d ever experienced. He waited over 2 years until we were married to be intimate with me. He served me and honored me as a handmaiden of the Lord. He was everything I ever wanted and thought I needed, but I felt completely blindsided and trapped. I kept reminding myself of the vows that I made. I had even quoted Ruth in saying, “”...the Lord do so to me and more also if anything but death parts you and me.” I vowed to stay with my husband; for better or for worse.
So what was I supposed to do? There was no way on earth I would survive with this heartache and the paralyzing fear that accompanied it. My confidence was completely shattered and I thought that I would lose my mind. All I could think of was how much prettier than me she might be. Maybe she was sexier. Maybe she listened more. Maybe, maybe, maybe”...
Then the Lord showed me something. “It’s not about you.” But how could it not be? He stepped out because I’m not enough. Or so I thought. One thing I’m grateful for is that my husband is a great communicator; when the door is open. See, he’s an introvert, and if I don’t ask he won’t tell. And I’m an extrovert, so there are times when he wants to talk but I have way more to say and have a tendency to dominate a conversation if I’m not carful. So there were things going on inside that he wanted to express that I never gave him an opportunity to. She was interested in hearing how his day was and took the time to ask. It really stunk to have to swallow that one.
The Lord showed me that my husband’s struggle had much more to do with traumas and habits that he had established long before I came on the scene. As his “suitable helper” God was using me and our marriage to bring all of that dross to the surface so that Christ could be formed in him, and me. I couldn’t leave. He was not only all of the things that I listed above, but he was my brother, and I didn’t want to see him in that condition. His heart was broken too.
He was very sorry. If there is one person on this planet I can say loves me beyond the shadow of a doubt it is my husband. And he feels the same way about me. We were both afraid of what would happen to our family, our ministries, our PURPOSE, if we didn’t choose reconciliation. But I didn’t know exactly how to do that. Here are a few things I learned:
It’s a CHOICE. As a woman of God I chose to be courageous enough to live out the Word of God that says, “Therefore as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on Love which binds them all together in perfect unity.” How could God get the glory out of this situation if I just threw in the towel, along with the years that we spent in love building our lives and family together?
I’m not better than my husband. I would say things like, “I would never do that.” But is that entirely true? The Bible says that I’m to restore my brother with a “spirit of meekness” less I also be tempted. Perhaps I wouldn’t do the same thing, but it doesn’t mean that I’d never break his heart. I knew that I would someday need the same measure of mercy shown to me.
There’s a difference between what’s valid and what’s justified. I was angry. No, livid. I would let things roll off my tongue that I never thought I’d say to my beloved. I felt like he needed to be subjected to every ounce of my rage. He asked for it. But what if God dealt with me that way? Yes, my feelings were valid. But was I really justified in responding to him that way?
I couldn’t afford it. “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” Holding a grudge against my husband would only hinder my own free flow of forgiveness from the Father. I couldn’t afford to be mercy-less.
The objective is RESTORATION, not condemnation. My husband wore guilt and shame like a cloak. Every time I brought up his indiscretion I just reinforced his shackles.
I felt safest when I was the most vulnerable. Sounds like a dichotomy I know. Fact is, being paranoid, guarded, angry and insecure did absolutely nothing for me, our marriage or our children. I realized that the times in our marriage when I was the happiest were when I was the most vulnerable.
As God revealed these and many other truths to me concerning His character (after all HE is Love) I felt a liberty and peace like I’d never known before. And, so did my husband.
As I released him from his debt and sought out ways to see his joy, peace, confidence, etc. restored, it was as if we fell in love with each other all over again. Literally when people see us today, it’s like it never happened.
Tammy Brown is an author, pastor and motivational speaker. She’s also a personal trainer, group fitness instructor and self-proclaimed, “Health and Wholeness Facilitator.” She has two beautiful children and has been married to her best friend Lewis for 7 years.
Tony & Tarenia says
One of the best articles and truths I’ve read. Thanks for sharing and your transparency. May God continue to bless your covenant and union so that you may bless others.
concerned says
I hope that you and your significant other got tested for STDs as part of the healing process. You may forgive and forget but some scars may remain. Please be careful.
Lis says
This is the scary part of marriage; one of the reasons I have decided to remain single. I commend you, though, ’cause you are much stronger than I am. Congrats to you two. 🙂
erica says
To me it makes no sense to stay when the Bible says adultery
is grounds for a divorce. “Like it never
happened?†who are you kidding. Your marriage is forever changed and this is
something you have chosen to live with and put yourself through on purpose.
Like someone wrote before, I hope your got tested for STDs. I feel it is poisonous
for women to spread the ideal that it is okay to willingly accept and expect
bad behavior from our husbands. All while hiding behind the guise “I have to
forgive himâ€. While that is true, do you HAVE to stay? God has called them to fill a roll as a husband,
and women as wives to fill a roll as well, both parties have a duty to uphold. You
are not a martyr and never will be because you chose to stay, YOU have to look
yourself in the mirror and understand that you chose to follow this man even
after the Bible said you could leave. Yes forgive him, but why stay? It is okay to love your husband, but not to
the point where you let his bad choices potentially put you in the grave. Would
he have stayed with you? This article is
garbage, it is the stuff low self-esteem is made out of, and I would hate to
see more women just for the sake of saying “Im married†fall into this trap.
Winnie says
Soo true a load of garbage. No relationship is normal after infidelity!
Toni says
Erica,
Just wanted to share something that I read recently. It said something along the lines of we love God yet we sin so it is possible to love someone and cheat. I am not condoning cheating. It is a horrible thing and it completely devastates both the husband and wife as well as their family. Is it possible that God gets more glory when situations that were meant to take us out, devastate us beyond anything we imagine, when we experience trials and tribulations in life? In my humble opinion, I commend this woman for staying with her husband after he cheated. From this article, it seems that he realized the impact of his actions and made changes in order to strengthen and repair his marriage. For people who cheat and are willing to do the work to repair the marriage, I say stay. For the people who cheat and are unwilling to acknowledge their mistake and work to fix it, I say leave. No one is perfect and we all do things that hurt our spouse. The difference between couples that make it and the ones that don’t is the ability to recognize where the problem is and be willing to work together to fix it. Marriage is a covenant, for better or worse, through sickness and health, forsaking all others. Even if your spouse breaks any of those promises, you are still responsible for your end of the deal. God will handle the spouse.
Nicci says
@Erica…she never said she had to stay. She made a choice to stay with him. She never said she forgot and never said things for her have not changed. This is HER story and how she choose to stay and deal with his indiscretion while finding support through scripture to forgive him and move on in her marriage. Her decision to stay does not make her wrong or weak or a martyr. In her love for him she found forgiveness, that’s all. I do understand where you’re coming from, though because I know someone who is staying in a marriage due to her low self-esteem. However, this just doesn’t seem to be the case.
Selene Mapp Olivaria says
All I can truly say is thank you, for being transparent in your article, it has given me a whole different prospective!! Thank you and may God continue to bless your marriage.
haggarel says
The one thing that sounds eerie and wrong about this essay is, if I have read it rightly, your husband didn’t become sexually intimate with you until two years after you were married? I find that much more disturbing than the cheating thing.
concerned says
It reads “He waited over 2 years until we were married to be intimate with me.”
Kendra says
Do u think he went that long without sex? Or was he having it with someone else??? Things that make u go hmmm..!
Kendra says
Hold on now… She said he waited over two years to be intimate with me?? Why? Is he’s saved.. I get that! But if he’s not something is very wrong with this pic… ! Please don’t let this be a bro on the d low
SweetSalena says
I use to say that 10x out of 10 I’d leave, but I don’t think like that anymore.
I’ve realized that:
1. I have yet to be in any relationship (even platonic) with a perfect person. And just about all of those who I’ve loved the longest and the deepest have hurt me in one way or another.
2. Even though there are some wrongs that I’m justified in not tolerating, God has asked me to love some of those people regardless. No matter how angry/hurt/confused
3. Staying and fighting for a healthy relationship requires a certain ongoing measure of grace, healing, and strength.
God be with those who want the grace to stay!
LaNay says
Wow, some people are just so negative. Congratulations to you and your husband for finding a way to make it work. No marriage is perfect, but single life isn’t either. Whatever you choose to do in life, make sure you are at peace with your decision. My husband and I have been through similar things and I am a very strong, independent military woman. It was hard to get past it, but once we decided to make it happen, we did.
Winnie says
Hi
I really don’t believe that someone that cheats on you really loves you. I believe that’s why the bible says adultery is grounds for divorce. I’m sick of people using the “we all make mistakes” excuse! I just feel that anyone that takes back a cheater is very very stupid, they put your life at risk in many ways (HIV)! I believe in forgiveness, I don’t have to stay with you to forgive. We all have choices and the choices we make have consequences! He knew there was a possibility of loosing you if he cheated, he still did it. Don’t write stupid articles trying to make people believe its okay to take back an adulterer! Most people I know that take back cheaters are usually miserable! Once again I say there is a reason why divorce is permissible after adultery!
Cara Mia says
I find it interesting that a few of the women in this post responded with the idea that the bible condones divorce after infidelity. The reason infidelity was grounds for divorce was because of the extramarital sex, not that act of having sex with someone else besides the spouse. In the case of men, they could take on more than one wife, and if a man betrayed his family and name by sleeping with a woman who he didn’t take on as a wife, that was shaming his family. To stand solely behind the fact that the bible says infidelity is grounds for divorce without taking into consideration OTHER things the bible says is ridiculous. Just because YOU would chose to leave, doesn’t mean that is what God wants, or whats best for you. Sometimes people make one action bigger than logic. When you go into your marriage thinking “THIS ONE FINITE THING WILL RUIN US, NO NEGOTIATION!” you’re bound to the idea that its ok to remove yourself from something you have committed to for life. In my eyes, that’s just as bad as being unfaithful. Why give yourself an out to something that is forever? If you are so certain that you could not move on from infidelity and YOU would leave let that be your issue, and don’t project your ideas of “feminism” (which last I checked rested solely on the ability to make your OWN decisions as a woman) on others who decided to fully honor their commitments in the wake of tragedy or disappointment in spite of their spouses inperfection.
Kendra says
I kind of get it!! You stayed because you love him and y’all have kids together a family! God said u can get a divorce if your spouse cheats but he didn’t say that you have to. I think he wants us to get a divorce if our heart had harden. God can’t do anything with a harden heart so that’s why u should leave. Sounds like you have forgiven him and y’all have moved on! Can u honestly ever trust him again?
Terri says
First and foremost thank you for your transparency, openness and honesty! I am so glad that we are not God! People are quick to say what they will or won’t do in a situation and unfortunately they speak negatively of others based upon their own issues. Long comment short..what did God say?! Yes God gave us the ability to think for ourselves, however He also sees the whole movie when we only see the current scene. I trust God and I know He has already worked all things out for our good. Therefore, when people talk about you or your choices out of there limited knowledge and experience, I smh and keep it moving because God already knew where we would be before we got there. Again, thank you. Stay encouraged and keep moving forward! Enjoy the day! http://www.dailyseed.com
Tonya says
Wooooooooooooooow!!!!! To God be the Glory for the things HE has done!!! To each its on!! I’m sure if moving on was what she wanted and it was approved by God. Then hey! She would have been gone!! But DO YOU!! AND she has!! So to that my dear!! Hats off!! You have a story to share that many woman want. And its kool! We all have our STORY! Woooooow!!!
Anitra says
In a world where selfishness, unforgiveness, hatred and stupidity reign over grace, forgiveness, love and wisdom, it’s beautiful to see a living example of God’s grace. Even in a transparent testimony about grace and mercy, naysayers stlll want to be heard. This testimony is a part of the healing process since the enemy wants us to hide our sins so he can keep us in bondage. So naturally, he’s not happy and uses the fear and doubt in others to remind her of the sin to keep her in bondage! But those who are free in Christ are free indeed! The most important lesson the word teaches is love, it covers a multitude of sins. Whether things are normal for them or not…whether they will ever be the same again in their marriage are irrelevent. Apparently, they don’t need to go back to THAT place again but they’ve found a new strength in the Lord and have moved to a new level in Christ. Marriage vows include “for better or worse” not ” for better until it gets worse”. Sure adultery is unforgettable, but it’s not unforgivable. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. To God be the glory for the things he has done in your life. Blessings to you all.
Tiffany says
Anitra you took the words right out of my mouth..it amazes me that a single woman can have an untitled intimate relationship with a man and justify his being with other women intimately by saying oh we’re just friends, then you have a woman who will forgive her boyfriend for cheating with “his other baby mamma’s” because she is his main chick…..and then we have others who are ok with the causal 12am-2am call to see what you’re doing that night..women that are with men for 10 or more years with several children between them as well as a possible baby mamma here or there with no sign of marriage nearing and will still stay and last but not least a woman who will accept abuse from a boyfriend and stay but will question the fact that there are men who can love you enough to respect the fact that you want to wait until marriage before becoming intimate without being on the D L. Yes a cheating partner is very hard to forgive especially if this person is someone you’ve vowed to love for better or for worse, but it bothers me that a woman will accept and forgive the worst from a person that no such vows have been made with, then have the nerve to judge a person who chooses to honor her vows that she made to herself and God. I feel if two people love each other enough to sincerely fight for something they hold dear to them regardless who did the wrong “let’s not forget women cheat also” then I feel that their marriage can stand the test of time..not saying that this won’t be an easy task especially it being a husband, but I understand all relationships is a test of strength that only get harder after vows are made. If you have a woman who will fight in the streets with another over a man she has made no vows with, why is it considered to be a load of garbage when a woman decides to fight for the one, whom she does have them with? I’m not married “yet” but was moved by this article because we all have said what we wouldn’t do before experiencing something hurtful then faced with a decision of what to do later and it sometimes is different from what we said we would ever accept or forgive…I hope to never have to make this decision and that we continue to communicate and express how we feel towards one another that it never leads to this, but I have also learned in life that it’s best to never say never….
Joseph says
Yes God does allow one to divorce in the case of infidelity, but there is a difference between allowing something and commanding something. He never commands that we divorce our spouse. In fact He said that he “HATES divorce”. Consider the case of Hosea. His wife was a prostitute, she ran away from him at least twice, gave birth to two kids that were not his. Yet, out of his great love for her and he goes after her, brings her home and forgives her. A marriage relationship is supposed to reflect the unconditional love between Christ and the Church. When we sin whether lying, stealing, infidelity; when we put other things (money, people, work) before God, we are in fact committing a form of spiritual adultery. How great is that, that the Lord does not “divorce” us when we cheat on Him? Sometimes, you may have to leave the marriage, and God in his infinite mercy has allowed for us to do so, but I believe that God can restore any relationship if both are willing to forgive, repent, and submit themselves to Him. If we truly want to take the divorce option off the table, then we have to be willing to love our mates through “the worse” part of marriage. If infidelity is an automatic grounds for leaving the marriage then you’ve left a “get out of jail free card” on the table. When times get really hard and you are in one of those valley moments of marriage, one of you may be tempted to use that card as a way out of the marriage.
Anonymous says
I think you are wrong. The Bible does not condone multiple wives. It only tells of those who did it, but God never put his stamp of approval on that. Infidelity is a reason to leave. I would argue that staying with a cheating husband is “taking his sin into your body.”
Anonymous says
Women bash men. But what about the women that cheat? I mean i love my husband dearly but i have cheated on him many times. I have no excuse for it i just do. Now judge that!
Crystal says
Someone commented, “he knew there was a possibility of you leaving, yet he still did what he did”. That is the most heartbreaking part of it all. The author mentions how she knows her husband loves her immensely, but actions speak louder than words. Yes, we say we love God but continue to hurt him by sinning and he doesn’t “divorce” us.. But we’re not God, we’re humans.