By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
My local morning news informs, entertains and recently provided me with a great topic for discussion on BMWK. This week Jo Frost (the Supernanny) was featured. Jo was originally scheduled on the program to create national awareness for EIB (a form of asthma that is common but rarely discussed), and of course the news anchors were not going to let her escape without also answering a few parenting questions. With the majority of the questions asked, I just shook my head, like really; you don’t know how to control your child? One parent even wondered how to handle a child who threw a tantrum while the parent was driving by pulling the steering wheel. I had no interest in hearing Jo’s response, because I already knew how I would handle that situation (even though that would absolutely never, ever happen with my children). Fortunately, I don’t often deal with intractable behavior. Another question involved potty training a 3 year old who just wasn’t ready or concerned with being trained. The question that made me stop and wait for Jo’s reply was:
“What’s the problem with corporal punishment? It worked for my parents and my grandparents. Now there are laws saying I can’t use their EFFECTIVE techniques”...time outs don’t work in the hood.”
Signed Ya girl!
The Supernanny quickly explained how she had been taping her show for 6 years and the viewers have never seen her request that a parent spank a child. She suggested it must be something the parent is doing wrong if time outs don’t work and should find another way to discipline a child. Interesting, I thought. There truly is a different parenting style in the hood. In fact most of us cringe when we hear a screaming child in a department store or one talking back or being disrespectful to a parent. On the other hand I also cringe when I hear a parent yelling and cursing and being disrespectful to their child. Of course I had to bring this conversation to work. “If someone wants to take my kid and raise him for me, then by all means go ahead, but until then, no one can tell me how to raise him” was the feedback I received. I agreed. As parents, we do what we know how to do and what works for our family. The majority of us are parenting the best we can. And that is okay as long as the child isn’t being beaten or abused. My personal parenting style doesn’t currently involve any hitting. I spanked in the beginning, but have since found that it isn’t necessary. My husband and I get the result we want without spanking. In my opinion time outs have never been effective in my house. Punishments and talking circumvent my need to spank and both work extremely well at getting through to my children. There isn’t one way to parent. No two children are alike; there are some things that work for one child that will absolutely not work for another.
BMWK, have “time outs” worked for you and your children?
Tiya Cunningham-Sumter is a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing and creator of The Black Wives’ Club. Tiya was featured in Ebony Magazine in the October 2008 and November 2010 issues. She resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
FC says
I am the one that takes the time outs, not the kids, lol. I take a moment to carefully and creatively discipline my children. Now that they are older I find that talking and giving consequences that relate to the offense is far more effective than spanking, but I never used time outs per se. I have instructed them to take time out to think about what they have done and then apologize and/or do or re-do whatever they had done wrong. It is our job as parents to teach and correct not just behavior, but also thought patterns and heart issues that may be at the root of the bad behavior.
When they were smaller though, I did use spanking more often to stop a bad behavior immediately as well as to convey a swift consequence for disobedience. Now that they are able to reason better and understand, consquences are sometimes more long term and in their opinion more painful than a spanking. lol. Can you say no internet for a week?
Aja Dorsey Jackson says
I rarely had to spank my daughter (now 11). She was the type of child that would get so upset when I raised my voice that I can count on a couple fingers the number of times that I spanked her.
My son is a completely different story. Spanking is not my go-to discipline with him all the time, but if he is doing something dangerous i.e. trying to touch the stove or run out in the street, yes I will spank him immediately. There are certain instances like those that I feel like a child needs to associate the shock of the spanking. Sitting down talking to him after he is doing something that could potentially injure him is ineffective. I would rather spank him and get it through his head that way then have him learn by actually burning himself or getting hit by a car.
Cheryl says
My children are little, 5 & 2, so reasoning with them is of little use. For the 5 year old, time outs work – she detests being alone. For matters of danger, like the stove or running in the street, a spanking is necessary. It is ok with me that she is afraid to touch the stove because I swatted her hand. In time she will understand that it is hot and will burn her. I have watched nanny Jo on tv many times, and I have my doubts that her methods are as effective in the time frames they suggest.
Ayanna says
I would agree that every child is different. I can look at my youngest boy and he’ll stop immediately whatever he’s doing. My older one however has a ” you have to show me attitude”. He really has an I’ll do what I want mentality. So it really depends on the child and your method of parenting not just because of where you live per se.
Just Me says
“If someone wants to take my kid and raise him for me, then by all means go ahead, but until then, no one can tell me how to raise him†<--- That seems to me, to be a horrible mindset and partly the reasons why so many homes are destructive and unhealthy... the parents didn't want to listen to any parenting help/advice. I think Time outs do work.. from the city, to the country, subs and da hood. They, just like spanking, punishment, talking... dont work for EVERY occasion. I was never told that I was 'on time out,' but I did have to leave and be alone at times. We either didn't have a name for it or I forget.. actually it may have been called "Boy get da hayle out my face 'fore I hurt you..." Yeah that was it. 🙂 But seriously, i've worked with 'troubled' teens and preteens and I just think there are some kids who just want to do what they want. Although many of these kids dont have great homes.. some do .. actually.. many do.. they have folks who really care about them and have set a good example; an example that wasn't followed. Even when we say spankings worked for us.. crime was still high.. so it wasn't working for some one! lol Thanks for opening the dialogue.
Anonymous says
well my baby going to be 4 in a couple of months. I am happy to say that now if he’s doing something that he thinks he shouldn’t, he will look up and around to see my reaction. He is usually met with me starring back at him shaking my head and my eyes bulging slightly. He knows at 3 that is momma’s crazy look. At 3 he knows that if he doesn’t stop what he’s doing it could get ugly. I’m sorry, “corporal’ they call it, punishment worked for me and I am a successful black woman 2 generations outta da hood. I now rarely have to spank my son. He doesn’t want to go there and neither do I. We got into it serious a couple times because the boy is stubborn! And at such a young age he was determined to show me HE was in charge. I’m sorry, I will not be losing my son to society. I am soooo proud of him. I constantly get comments about how mannerly he is and well behaved. I say do what works….and “corporal” punishment worked for us.
CrystalJ says
I’m 31 years old and I’ve had 2 spankings my whole life and I knew what they were for (being disrespectful)…2 was all it took to take my mama at face value, lol..Guyanese mamas nuh play fi joke and all my dad had to do is look at me cross-eyed one good time when I was misbehaving.
Will I spank my child? I don’t know depends on my child and the circumstances but I do know that I’m not diametrically opposed to it if need be…just ask my nieces and nephews :), they’ve been popped a time or two in my presence for being “mannish.”
Next319 says
Corporal punishment(good old fashioned ass whoopin’) is permitted in the state of New York…different states have different laws.
MoniLove says
What a great conversation! “To spank or not to spank”, I equate to “stay at home mom vs. working mom.” Both of these examples our society uses to judge mothers. Here’s the deal, I’m all about talking to other parents, learning new techniques, and trying various methods to discipline my children. But at the end of the day, they’re MY children. I’m not a bad mother if I spank and I’m certainly not a “good” mother if I don’t spank. Nobody knows my children like I do. And so while I’ll ask for advice and try different tactics, in the end, I know what works for my children. I sometimes envy parents who have children who’ll do everything as asked, when it’s asked. But then I recognize and celebrate the fact that my child asks questions, wonders why, and searches for alternative solutions; traits that will serve her well as an adult. I wouldn’t spank all the time and I wouldn’t do time-outs all the time. Different situations warrant different punishments. What I refuse to do though is feel bad about the punishments I choose to use!
Edward says
I use both the “pop” and the time out on my 2 year old. The time out is for temper tantrums and telling me no. The pop is for dangerous behavior – like trying to climb up on the tv. The effect is that he listens to daddy, very well.
We have had my son in a “playgroup” since he was 3 months, where he is the only “lil brotha”. And the other parents have looked at me funny for how I interact with my son. But he is very well behaved. I believe that raising a young African American boy is different than raising “another” child. So I stay on him about manners and behavior and so far he seems to respond positively.
Lkbaker says
Recently this has been a question have contimplated over and over raising my now 13 year old daughter. She is very diffrent from my son, who is 19. I never really had to spank him, a simple raising of the voice would do, but my daughter is very diffrent in that manner and EXTREMLY strong willed. I found with her the few times I have spanked her, it made her more rebellious and in the long run I am the one actually getting spanked, physically and mentally; It is exhuasting!!! Through prayer I have found that ministering to her in a Godly way and making her aware of the consequences to her actions along with CONSISTANCY works better for me.
Deedeemoure says
I needed your comment THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Miko Lee says
I, too, believe that parenting is not one size fits all. However, I think spanking should be a last resort. I don’t know why so many of us in the black community say that spankings/whippings automatically equal great parenting (not saying you, but referencing comments that I have heard in general conversation regarding this topic). When looking at other communities where spankings are not as common, I notice that their children tend to grow up to become more productive citizens.
Making this comparison has made me wonder if spankings have a long term last NEGATIVE effect on self esteem. It’s almost as if the teachings of slave masters have been passed down through generations and convinced us that being beat into submission is a necessity.
But again, parenting is not one size fits all, so this is something that I remain conflicted about.
Tamar_prov31 says
I also spanked my children early in the childhood and so now that they are older I rarely have to do that. My children are very bright and are able to hold a conversation well, so we talk, and I will take away things when they act out to turn. Every now and again I have to result to giving out spankings but I still talk them to death before I do it….I think they hate the talking to more…lol I believe that most of the problems that we have with the youth is a direct result of the rule makers taking away the rights of the parents to raise their children. Punish the abusers but don’t punish parents who are doing a good job of keeping their children out of trouble.
Pmack770 says
I save the “pop” for acts repeated after warnings and time outs. But my child will usually respond to a stern warning or the threat of being forced to listen to I whip my hair back and forth… No Kidding she really is scared of that songs instant headache ability.
Nicmayo says
Jesus, I thought this sight was a place where people were better informed….My goodness, who the heck is still “beating” their children in this day and age…..it’s ridiculous!!!! read a book on child development…I have always thought that beating children was a last resort for people who no nothing about child development or are too lazy to try something else….Personally my child is too good for beatings and spankings…it’s ancient and don’t tell me your mom did it…cause that generation also smoked cigarrettes and drank while pregnant too…and further more…I don’t live in the hood and personally ain’t tryin to follow too much of what they do!!!!
Yroserie says
First of all let get one thing straight, “spankings” “beating” “smacks” whatever you want to call it, does not only happen in the hood. Like it was said early it depends on the child, regarding what form of punishment is used. The real problem in our community is that we have moved away from “each one teach one”. Everyone is so busy judging everyone else. Instead of looking down at people for the choice they make, give them an alternative.
Finally just because “you don’t live in the hood” doesn’t mean what goes on in the hood doesn’t affect you and our community as a whole.
Nicmayo says
“site” instead of sight.
Nicmayo says
I would love to know the percentage of men in jail…how many got “whoopins” …..I don’t know why black folks won’t listen to parenting advice or read a book…I swear this is adding to the violent nature of our boys…Our kids in the black community need hugs and love not another “whoopin”
Aja Dorsey Jackson says
Don’t assume that because some parents choose to spank as one form of discipline that they have never read a child development book or are lazy. There are some experts who completely decry spanking as a form of discipline, others that don’t . I am someone who tends to research just about everything in the world in probably a little too much detail, well-read and far from lazy who believes that spanking can be used as one form of discipline. If you believe that your child is too good for spankings, then don’t spank- but don’t think that you somehow have done more research or aren’t a lazy parent just because of that.
Nicmayo says
you are right…and I apologize , it’s just a sore subject for me….i see way too many of the type I have described: not well informed, never read a book about child development and pass on really negative/ destructive behaviors they learned from their childhood…..again, I apologize…Since you research a lot, go to the American Academy of Pediatrics (APP) web site they recommend alternatives for disciplining children….
Aja Dorsey Jackson says
No worries- I do agree that the reasoning “this worked before” is not always good enough and I don’t think that spanking is always the right answer- just that each parent needs to make an informed decision about what works for his/her family.
Jwinston says
I got whoopins, spanked, and bordered on beat a few times & I’m FINE. I don’t go robbing, stealing, or killing people. With my kids, we’ve used everything from a stern talking to combined with the ‘crazy eye’, to time out up to a whooping/licks combined with punishment. So now, I really don’t have to punish my kids that way. I just get creative with punishments and go against their normal routine of privileges they get the hint quickly. IMO, I think that you just have to do whatever works best for your child. If you manage to try everything & it still doesn’t work, then try a hug & counseling.
With other people, I’ve heard parents talk crazy to their kids being disrespectful etcetera, and that just makes me beyond livid. Discipline is definitely a two way street. Parents sometimes need a time out right along with the kids; most often we don’t realize that our children’s attitudes & behavior is them feeding off of us. Again, I just say do whatever works.
Ashleigh L.A. says
My mom disciplines children with corporal punishment but she also uses various forms of punishment. For instance, my sister got a bad grade in a class. Rather than spanking her, she hasn’t allowed her to use her mp3 player or the internet. I’ll probably end up following her lead. She does it all on a case by case basis.
Wendy says
I believe that I am about to embarck an an interesting journey as the first time Mom of an almost 2 year old son that does not quite understand what a time-out is just yet. I have been asked by dozens of moms if I spank him and the answer is No! I really don’t think that my toddler really would understand why mommy is hitting him when I tell him not to hit others! My mom was pro “spare the rod, ruin a child” and so was the rest of the village that I grew up in. I grew up that way and it was engraved into my mentality. So, I must say that at times, I am conflicted as I really don’t want to “whip” my child, but I do want him to understand the principle of consequence….you do something wrong, then there will be consequence. Another reason Why I do not want to “whip” him—-well, I have seen first hand the havoc that it can wreck on a child’s self-esteem….(myself included). I personally feel that I will use the punishment tactic–you do something wrong, your privileges get taken away. When a grown man goes out and commits a crime, they don’t get “whipped”, they go to jail and lose the privlegis of freedom! (Well, sometimes they get beat down by police), but the point is —the principle of “Consequences” is powerful and something that should be taught at an early age!
Miko Lee says
Hey Wendy!! That’s how I feel! I am conflicted about it as well. How can you teach a child that they shouldn’t hit others, while spanking him/her? Doesn’t make sense. Plus, like I said in my earlier post, when looking at the number of black parents who spank versus other races, then looking at the long term statistics for crime and dropping out of school, I have to wonder if there’s any correlation.
Like Nicmayo said earlier, a lot of us say that it’s something that worked for our parents, so we will continue to do it, but I have to ask myself: did it really work for our parents? Let’s look around and see if it did. I’m not so sure it did when I look at the growing number of imprisoned black men, teenage mothers and more.
Spanking is a LAST resort for me. I rarely do it and even when I do, I feel guilty. It’s a struggle between my new method of parenting and what was passed down.
T. Rogers says
Nicmayo does bring up a good point. I think it has been traditionally part of our culture to spank our children and tolerate very little disobedience. For some adults the degree of the spankings they got as children is like a badge of honor. However, like Nicmayo, I have often wondered if being too quick to get the belt hurts our kids in the long run emotionally and psychologically. Surely there is a correlation between children who are spanked excessively and violent tendencies. The tricky thing is understanding just what qualifies as “excessive” spanking.
My wife and I were talking about this the other day. We have a three year old and a two year old. My son, the three year old, is EXTREMELY strong willed. He likes to do things his way. Still I try to make spanking a very last resort. But most of all I try to explain to him why he is being punished. Kids have to know why. They have to be forced to think and consider their actions. Call me crazy, but I don’t want to break his strong will. He will need it in this life. Instead I want to mold it and teach him how to use it properly. Time out helps a lot. At the end of the day we always remind ourselves that toddlers will be toddlers. They will not act like sensible adults because they are not. We just want to keep the inevitable temper tantrums to a minimum.
Karen says
Although I don’t like to spank, I find it necessary at times. My kids are 5&6 and as they get older, the less I have to spank them. I see nothing wrong this because I used to get my behind blistered and I know why it was happening. It caused me to think before I did something that I knew would cause me to have to sit on a pillow for a couple of days. Needless to say, I am not a fan of Supernanny because I don’t understand how a child can run your household!
Charlene says
I pop my children on the hands or thigh when I feel nothing else is working. I talk to them (and yes, even though they are only 2 and 4 it does work sometimes), remove privelledges, and we use time out. Time out and talking to them does help to some extent. I do not believe in beating or “whooping” my children into submission. Spanking kids only works for so long, and it doesn’t really teach them anything.
Charlene says
*I meant to say that from my experience, time out and other methods work more effectively than spanking.
Funches22400 says
I am a single parent of twin girls. Both of them are freshmen at The Ohio State University. One received a full academic scholarship and the other is still working towards getting external ones. They have always been respecful and classy. Neither of them has a violent bone in their body. As a matter of fact, one of them has never had a fight a day in her life and the other one had only one. Have I ever spanked them? Absolutely! Do I feel guilty? Heck No! On the other hand, I do not believe that kids should be spanked for any and everything. When I look at shows like “The Nanny,” I get pissed off because there is no way a child that I had is going to cus me out, disrespect me and hit me. I also feel that there is a difference between abuse and spanking. I don’t need a handbook with somebody else’s opinion to tell me how to be a mother. I know several people who don’t spank and there kids are bad as heck. No matter how the parents try to talk to them or reason with them, they still do whatever they want and are not intimidated by the consequences. Go figure!
Pam says
Time outs never worked in my household, and I have watched them applied in others with questionable results. My parents spanked and did little talking about the whys and why nots of the situation. Time outs were unheard of back then and we turned out just fine. I have tried to talk to my son and help him understand why he can’t do whatever he feels like doing but when needed I spank.
And as a result my 12 year old is beginning to see the differences in the behavior now between the friends who have gotten spankings vs. the ones that have never gotten one. (He decided on his own to do a poll one day out of the blue after witnessing one of his friends yelling at his dad. You read that right!! And yes that friend was white . ) And he has said himself that the ones that don’t, act in ways that he would NEVER dare because he would be too afraid of the consequences!! And too be fair I should mention that he has some white friends that do get spankings (and they would never dare yell at their parents- ever!!) . So, while I agree that each parent has to do what is right in their house hold, time outs don’t work in mine. I believe that I have used spankings just enough to get the message across that we all have to follow certain rules of society or we would be living in total chaos. I mean truthfully everyone would like to do whatever the heck we want when we want, and we can within reason, but some things just aren’t done in polite society. And eventually our little angels will have to leave the nest and go out into a world that doesn’t love them and value them as we do and those that don’t know how to fit in end up on the fringes of society. And that is the nightmare we are all trying to avoid. So, spank on I say if it gets the message across to your child!! And just say no to time outs in whatever “hood” you’re from!
Funches22400 says
@ Pam-I absolutely love your comments and totally agree. Several years ago I was residing in Atlanta and had a conversation with my dental hygienist who happened to be white. While he was cleaning my teeth, I asked him if white parents spanked their children. His response to me was, “I do!” He also said, “Girl, get you a southern white grandmomma and she’ll tear your a@# up!” hahahaha. On the other hand, his wife doesn’t believe in whippings and his son runs her over. He took pride in the fact that his son does not play with him and respects what he tells him to do. So spanking is not just a ‘BLACK THING!” Don’t believe the hype!
Funches22400 says
I have to post one moree comment. Everybody is welcome to respond. Can somebody please explain to me how those kids on “The Nanny” kick, spit, hit and cuss their parents out if they never get whippings? If spankings are suppose to make you so violent, how are they displaying that behavior if they don’t get whippings? Just a thought.
MomJonz says
I have 3 girls with 3 different personalities. My oldest is 6 and she has always been the child you tell to stop in a firm voice and she stops. Now my 4 year old she is stubborn as a mule. She is mini me all the way; the only difference I’m grown and know when to turn it on. It is her way or everyone is going to be miserable. My 2 year old is the mini version of my 4 year old. In my home we do a combo. Spanking, time out and taking things away. It depends on the crime. My 2 year old gets her bottom tapped for peeing on herself. She knows how to use the potty and if she chooses to sit and pee or poop she is going to get tapped. We’ve recently moved and met some other parents at our neighborhood playground (all white) and they all said they spanked and I’ve witnessed it. I’ve also come across black parents who do not spank. So, yes as Funches22400 said; don’t believe the hype. Now my 4 year old came home one day and told me she will call the police on me if I spank her. I gave her the phone and told her to call cause once I got out of jail she will need to be out of my house. I’d rather spank them now then have the police beat the down with the billy club at 18.
TheMtEphraimCenter says
Well to be honest, I was a child who was spanked A LOT. I was a stubborn and strong willed child and rarely did I respect my parents enough to listen to them. So my parents spanked me often. But I have to say that I feel that it wasn’t truly effective.
1. It never truly stopped me from misbehaving, it only stood as something I had to bear in order to get whatever it was that I wanted at the time.
2. If it was effective, my parents wouldn’t have to rely on it frequently to try to “stop” me.
and 3. Now, at 25, I have a lot of traumatic after effects that I don’t find to be funny or great. There are times when I have bad dreams about times when I’ve gotten “spanked” by my parents or have had anxiety attacks, and I haven’t gotten those “spankings” in years.
I know that most parents spank the child who is like me, strong willed and stubborn but the truth is, if the child is TRULY strong willed, that may not even make them flinch. Spanking then becomes a way of release for the parents and not a method of teaching the child the right way.
For me, I don’t believe I am going to practice spanking when I do have children-I haven’t had to do it with my nieces or nephews and yet they respect me more than they respect their parents or their grandparents (my parents). They are more attentive to me and listen to me as well.
As well, I did do a research paper on this topic as well because I wanted to know what the fuss was all about and the research I found was how detrimental spanking is. Spanking may stop the child from immediately doing the act but it may not stop them in the long run. Research found that children who experienced corporal punishment also had lower cognitive skills than children who were not spanked, were more aggressive, more likely to be bullies, and disrespect authority, more like to hit other students in school, more likely to lie and cheat, more likely to view God as a punishing God, and reported more disconnection within their families when they got to college. College age kids who were spanked also reported feeling as if their childhoods were not happy (or less happy than those who had not been spanked) and had lower quality relationships with their family members. It was an excellent paper and I saw myself in much of the research I found. This showed me that maybe spanking brings more negative effects than it’s worth.
Catjacarol says
By the sound of it you did not get a spanking from your parents, you were beaten. A spanking is one or two swats to the bottom to grab attention, not cause psychological damage. I was spanked on a couple of occasions for being too stubborn to listen to reasonable explanations and expectations, and once for doing something that could have gotten me injured. The swats were followed by being talked to about what I did wrong *and* I had privileges taken away. A spanking should not cause a person to have bad dreams about being spanked. Child abuse is completely different from the occasional (and well-deserved) spanking for being out of control.
mochazina says
my ribDonor works in the jail system – what you will often find is that while many of us advocate for the use of spankings/whoopings/beatings within a disciplinary system, many of the parents of jailbirds were either abusive (not just disciplining) or offered no discipline at all.
it ain’t all in a book – often, most of us, who are productive citizens were raised without our parents reading a book. yes, books may help, but they can never replace (and can on partially augment) taking the time to get to know and understand the rhymes and reasons of your OWN child(ren).
mochazina says
the phraseology used when stating “their children tend to grow up to become more productive citizens” grates me all kinds of raw! i’m not saying you are, but let us not discount the advantages of NOT growing up as a Black person in America when counting up “productivity”.
Tamara South says
Timeouts worked very well for me and my one year old son but when he is really out of a control I do hit him but that is because my patience runs short.