Everyone always talks about how hard it is to build and sustain a healthy, happy relationship. And I agree. And no, it’s not all hard work. I have plenty of fun with my husband and I cherish all of those good times. But, I can definitely acknowledge that it’s not always fun and games.
Sometimes it’s challenging as hell.
But we all make decisions, every day, that can either help or hurt our relationships. And when it comes to making decisions that hurt, those are the decisions that make this thing called love and marriage hard—maybe even downright painful.
And one thing that hurts our relationships the most is when we begin sabotaging things. But what does that even mean, right? Why would anyone get married and decide to sabotage things?
The thing is, it isn’t always a choice. Sabotage is something that many people do subconsciously.
But why damage something that you want to last a lifetime, right?
The reasons vary, really. For some it has to do with past relationships, while for others it has to do with other personal issues. But regardless of the reason, there is no question that the sabotage is damaging.
If you are reading this and wondering if you’re sabotaging your union, here are a few questions you should ask yourself.
- Do I pick fights often?
- Do I make assumptions instead of communicating with my spouse?
- Do I shut down even though my spouse tries to keep the lines of communication open?
- Do I hide information from my spouse and claim it’s for her own good?
- Do I distrust my spouse, even though he has never done anything to make me question his honesty?
- Do I think I’m always right?
- Do I constantly criticize my spouse?
- Do I consistently withhold intimacy as a way to punish my spouse?
- Do I always play the victim?
- Do I remind my spouse that I don’t need him because I can do bad all by myself.
- Do I love drama?
- Do I constantly threaten to leave her when things get tough in the relationship?
- Do I constantly downplay my spouse’s needs?
- Do I discourage my spouse’s dreams?
- Do I refuse to to get help for our marriage, even though we are having serious problems?
These questions should serve as a starting point. If you answered yes to several of these questions, does it mean your relationship is destined for failure? Not at all. But it does mean that you have some work to do. It means that something in your past—either with your current partner or from a previous relationship—is possibly lingering and interfering with your ability to foster a healthy relationship right now. It could even mean that you have unresolved personal issues that are driving your decisions.
But remember that sabotage is not about assigning blame. It doesn’t need to be anyone’s fault. When you realize that sabotage is occurring, your focus should simply be about identifying why it’s going on and determining what you can do to change things.
Yes, marriage is hard work. Even with husband and wife doing the best they can, it is tough to create a relationship that will stand the test of time. That’s why you don’t need to do anything individually or collectively to harm your union. You have enough to contend with. Sabotage just complicates things and adds a layer of stress and drama your relationship doesn’t need.
BMWK family – what other ways can a spouse sabotage their marriage?