In order for Steven to rebuild her trust, there must have been trust to begin with. But he done messed up! Now he’s trying to figure out how to rebuild trust.
Steven was supposed to be at happy hour with some co-workers (plural)….so he told his fiancé, Tracey. But half the truth is a lie; he was at happy hour with a coworker (singular)…in a two seater…in the corner…hugged up…gigglin’! A friend of a friend of Tracey was there too.
Camera phone…take picture…text to friend…forward to Tracey…Steven’s busted!
Fast-forward through the confrontation, the lie, the evidentiary findings, the admission, contrition, and plea for forgiveness…to the place where we are now. They’re still together, but Tracey doesn’t trust him. So how does Steven rebuild trust?
If nothing, TRUST is a complicated cocktail of past experiences, values, status symbols, expectations, and behaviors…mixed in a blender and poured all over our relationships. To understand how to rebuild trust, you first must understand how trust is built. So forget whatever you heard about trust…here’s how it really works.
Value System and Beliefs
Trust begins with Tracey’s past. From her past experiences, Tracey learned life-lessons that helped shape and form her values and value system. Those values are deeply rooted in the core of what she believes is right/wrong, good/bad, and acceptable/unacceptable.
Status and Esteem
Two very important values she assigns worth to are status and esteem. Status is the position one occupies or the objects one controls (e.g., a title, an expensive car). Some refer to such objects as status symbols. Esteem is the personal qualities one possesses regardless of position or status (e.g., trustworthiness, faithfulness) (Bass & Bass, 2008).
In Tracey’s life, Steven holds the status of fiancé…and she highly esteems him as trustworthy. And based on that, Tracey has an expectation — an expectation that comes from her value system and core belief of what is right, good, and acceptable behavior — that Steven will behave like a trustworthy fiancé.
How Trust Is Built
Trust is built by building confidence in your expectation that someone will behave according to the status they hold in your life and the esteem you assigned them. Tracey had confidence in her expectation that Steven would behave in an acceptable manner because she esteemed him as a trustworthy fiancé.
Loss of Confidence
But when Steven got busted…gigglin’, Tracey lost confidence in his ability to behave like she expected a trustworthy fiancé to behave. This “loss of confidence” mumbo-jumbo is just a fancy way of saying ‘she doesn’t trust him anymore’. But I break it down like this so you’ll know how trust is built…and how it’s demolished.
How To Rebuild Trust
Rebuilding trust is simple to do…that is, the process is simple. But the fortitude and stick-to-itiveness required to do it is a mutha! This is largely because you have the option not to. I mean really, who wants to voluntarily put themselves through the meat-grinder just to get back to zero. Some find it easier to bounce and start over with someone else…than to stay and work it out.
But for Steven, who wants to work it out, here are 3 ‘simple’ steps he must do to get back in Tracey’s good graces.
I can’t think about telling my fiance that I cheated on him. Because I know that the weddig will be called off. But I want him as my husband and nobody else. Cause he’s not a bad person. And I won’t give any excuse for my act. Cause I’ve done wrong. But I can’t talk about that. I promised myself not to do that ever again.
Sound right mighty selfish of you…if you ask me Unique. I…I…I is what your kept repeating. But when is self preservation not selfish. So I’m not judging. I understand why you won’t say anything. To me, you really haven’t broken trust…that he knows of. I mean…you have…but he just doesn’t know it.
But the larger question is: what…in you…caused you to cheat on him in the first place? Was is it something gully in you…or something he did. Was is a lack of self control – because we all have desires. Some can control them…and some find it more difficult. Or was it just one of the things that ‘just happen’ – you were there…he was there…and then BAM…there it was! Regardless of how it happened, the bottom line is – if you don’t dig down into yourself and address why it happened, then the circumstances or situation that presented itself for you to justify doing it back then…when presented with the same…you just might shock yourself and do it again. Then the question won’t be “why did you cheat”. It will be “why are you the kind of person that cheats (plural)”. And you need to find out the answer to that question before you get married. Because the life get more complicated if you are still asking that question on the other side of the broom.
Very well stated Heath..that was sound advice. Unique…please deal with this now…or it will surely come up later.
Its okay now…u must first forgive yourself and ask God for forgiveness. Give your all and all to your love one…my best friend taught me to not tell cause it won’t be forgotton….I feel your. Love for your love one…be of peace
I have been with my husband for a total of 10 years married for 4. A total of 5 children my three are his. He has 2 from a previous relationship. He has been a serial cheater since the beginning of our meeting. I was young and dumb and stayed with him knowing he was cheating. When my I found out I was pregnant with our first child I dealt with extra cheating because I was determined to make it work I spent many nights and days at home crying when I was pregnant praying he’d come home. He took care of me financially so I think that is what made me stay. I was pregnant and couldn’t get work.
Before I became pregnant a second time I had gotten stronger and didn’t accept his mess after becoming a mom. He finally proposed after us not being together for 6 months. Of course I said yes he was a changed man I knew he was. Everything was different after I got strong. We got married when I was 8 months pregnant with our third baby. Everything was so perfect I could not believe the man he had become, even his friends and family was amazed at the change.
My husband has this thing with social media that I just don’t care for. He messages other women and recently I caught him chatting with a female at 4 am in the morning. This woman was his friends girlfriends best friend. Although the conversations are innocent I know what they will possibly lead to. He admitted it was inappropriate to be talking to a woman at that hour but they are only friends. There have been other. I think I fight with him about him chatting with other women at least twice a month.
I know that my husband will never physically cheat on me but I hate knowing that he uses his Facebook account to have conversations with other women. I feel violated I know its only words but it rubs me the wrong way and I cannot seem to help being so darn angry. Proving his track record I just don’t trust him. I asked him to stay away from that friends house he agreed but they are having a party next weekend and now he is entertaining the idea of going. I no longer trust that friend or his girlfriend because I feel like they knew what my husband was up to, so I wont be attending the party. I know if he goes that woman will be there. And I cannot fathom the fact that alcohol, my husband and her being in the same area. I am also pissed that he once again lied to me about not going back over there. Am I overreacting? help
I won’t say that I have a reason for my act. When I did this I was in this situation of my fiance and I. We don’t spend time much together although I told him several times that I need some time of him.
I had this friend of mine who was willing to bring me out. And call me 3 times a day to know if I’m allright. And tht night it was just a walk just like every other days. But later on it was not that innocent as it seems.
We talked about the fact that he doenst spend time with me. And we are working on it. I prmised myzelf just not to do it again. And I will not spend anymore time with that friend of mine.
My question is. Isn’t it sometimes better to leave things untold. Because I know how my fiance would have felt if I told him.
And it might sound selfish because I repeadly said I. But it has nothing to do with that. Its because I know that I’m the one who wwronged. And not he. And I can’t blame for nothing.
Not even because he doenst have time for us.
Cause it a choise I made. Not a good choise at all.
I also remember that I’ve always been telling my self never to cheat on a man.
And yet I dit it.
Well I see you dilemma, but one thing you are forgetting is you not telling him takes his choice to marry you away. I say that because, he is marrying only on the information and knowledge he has…not on the whole truth…He is thinking everything is one way…but its not. I’m not sure of your age, but I am sure you are old enough to know that these things have away of coming back up. Suppose after your married you still don’t get enough QT with him, and another friend comes along and shows interest. How do you know you won’t do it again? I know you said you promised, but I am sure you didn’t think you would cheat the first time. Their has be a break in trust and a violation to the commitment whether he knows it or not…just my opinion!
Im in this situation right now I have or should I say had a fiance as of Monday he got busted with having dinner with his ex that she and I have had several words before I love him yes I do but this is like a merry go round we been going through for the past 3 years
get off now do not marry him trust me I just found a woman in my car at my husbands job we married ten yrs together 19 its much better to end it now
I was weak…I broke trust by cheating. We were in a bad place and he didn’t have time. He was stressed with work and started drinking often. I got attention from another guy but didn’t act on it until my boyfriend and I took a break. I didn’t violate our break terms. We agreed we could see other people. I did. He didn’t. I made myself sick to be with anyone else. I told him because he wanted to know. Before I had sex with the guy before going to see him I called my boyfriend to make sure me seeing a guy wouldn’t jeopardize our future. It did. I lost his trust. He tried to work through it but I felt too guilty and we didn’t heal properly.. Now about 3 months after the incident..we broke up after 1 month.. We took time apart no contact.. Now we are slowly speaking again. It is friendly. How do I build our trust and relationship ( a new one) up again??
Mandy. Before I finished reading you post I knew that you all would end up trying to work it out. That goes with the ebb and flow of breaking up and making up. Let me first set the expectations. It’s going to be ugly before it get pretty. I say this because it’s base on you. When a man knows his girl has cheated, those wounds run deep and long. It takes longer for men to get over it that women. So prepare forth long haul. But what helps men eventually get passed it and moving on is, ironically, your confidence. You have to project confidence that the two of you are going to make it through this “phase” together. So you are going to have to resolve in your heart and mind that the two of you will work through it over time. There might be some setback. You’ll have to brush off his attempts to distance you by some slickness that comes out his mouth. I’m not saying stalk him. I’m just preparing you that he might try to push you away. Give him space, and than slow resume dialogue. Your conversation should be about your plans for the future together. Like I said in the post, be very forthcoming with your whereabouts. And know that this is going to take time. If you rush it because you’re impatient, realize you’re not allowing the proper time for him to heal or come to grips with what you’ve done. It will take longer than you think it should take. Be prepared for that. I wish you the best. If you would Mandy, like my FB page so I can stay in touch with you. https://www.facebook.com/hisleadershiphertrust
I actually don’t have Facebook so I’ll have to stay in contact on here…I respected his space he asked for…I gave him a month of no contact and we started texting about a week and a half ago. Just about how we are and what we have been up to..nothing negative or anything about the relationship we had for almost 3 yrs..anyways we are long distance at the moment due to my job and have broken up obviously about a month and a half ago. I am being patient and trying to be his friend and gain back trust that way and just be there for now. I don’t want to make a move too soon. I believe we are meant to be and I always have. It was love at first sight and I never stopped loving him. Any tips for how to get him back and help him heal?
I’m dealing with being on the bad and if the trusting.My husband and i have been together for 7 years and married 5, we have 3 children also. He recently i guess u world day pulled it out of me something i did before we got married and its looking out marriage it seems. I mean he is still here with us but he’s not here you know. I’m starting to understand the part about giving him his space and time…now that is so hard for me to do because of how close we were. I never would have thought that it would hurt him to this effect and its being me to know that i did just that. He thinks my years are out of guilt but they aren’t .i love my husband more than her realized and I’m trying to get him to understand that that was my past and u can change that but I’m not the same person and her is definitely not the same person to me bc he is my husband and not just my baby’s father and that’s a big deal to me. I know it’s gonna take time but that’s not easy at all.
So many typos sorry it’s this stupid phone.
#i guess u would say he pulled it out of me.
#he things my tears are out of guilt
Hang in there. It will take time. But if you go all in and commit to him and make him believe that you now that ride-or-die chick. He will come around eventually. But it still will take time. God bless.
Mine is a long story but I ll summarize. I cheated on my fiancé. I find it hard to say cheating cos at the time when I was with the other guy I didn’t wanna be with him any longer. When I told him I wanted to go cos I met someone else, he adamantly refused to leave me. I felt so guilty and decided to forget the other guy after all I ve been with my guy for 4 years. Now I am trying to build the trust but I know I can’t make any headway unless I sincerely feel very bad about what I did. I didn’t mean to hurt him but in the tiny recesses of my mind, I always say, I was going to leave after all. We are still getting married but the trust isn’t there anymore
Loveth, the best case scenario is to delay your wedding to give you guys some more time to rebuild the trust in your relationship. Entering a marriage with sufficiently dealing with the dis-trust is very dangerous. For, whenever conflict or a problem arises, and your husband is not happy with you, there’s great potential for him to tie his current displeasure with your past infidelity…and look at it all as one big problem with YOU. Because in his mind, you cheated…and you did [fill in the blank]. This could cause him to question whether marrying you was a smart decision. It will take a very mature person …and some time…not to blur those lines of past and present. I’m not saying he will do it, but the potential is high.
However, if the date of your wedding is fixed, then you need to expedite the healing process. I recommend that you both seek professional counseling to specifically deal with infidelity in relationships. I know men don’t normally like to go to counseling. And I know you probably think this is overkill…because yall love each other and can work past this. But in my experience, this is a land mine in your relationship that’s lying dormant. And it won’t be a problem until someone unknowingly [does something or says something] to trip it. The next thing you know, you’re doing damage control. I implore you to get out in front of this. Disable the land mine before you get married.
My recommendation is that you sign up for pre-marital counseling. This good cover to justify seeking counseling (I recommend a professional counselor instead of a religious counselor because they are specifically trained to deal with infidelity issue and religious counselors are not. BTW, my business is a religious-base marriage counseling service…and I’m telling you not to come to me but go to a professional counselor. During that counseling make sure you bring up this infidelity issue. He/she will know how to deal properly with the issue. After you’ve done that, if you want to go to a religious counselor, them by all mean, go ahead. You can check out our website for service we provide https://hisleadershiphertrust.com/about-family-bootcamp-2/.
Wish you all the best.
Thanks Heath, unfortunately, I don’t leave in the states. I honestly don’t know any non-religious counsellors around. We have not even started the compulsory pre-marital counseling required by my church. I ve researched on articles on your blog and many others and the advice I keep getting is being honest, consistent and all and am doing all that but he doesn’t think am doing anything at all to rebuild trust and he talks about this issue 24/7 and am trying hard not to feel resentful. It occupies our every waking thoughts and discussions. The only thing that has helped me keep it together is imagining if I was in his shoes.
My relationship hit a breaking point when my boyfriend said he was with his daughter, but posted on Facebook that he went out of state to a concert. The next week, he told me he had to do something for his ex-wife’s son, which led to an argument. He left for out-of-state again, and would not take my call claiming that he didn’t want to argue in front of his stepson. He finally admitted that his stepson wasn’t with him in the car, and that he just “needed to get away”. There’s been no valid, legitimate or logical argument to these getaways. So, I’ve deduced that he’s been cheating. He claims he has NOT cheated, ever.. during our relationship. However, he’s broken my trust by lying. I’m not sure what to do — stay, rebuild trust and work it out? Or, bounce.. immediately? My initial reaction was to bounce. Of course, after talking, hashing and rehashing the events, we’ve come to the conclusion that we’d prefer to be together. Should I? And, How? I’m wondering if there is irreparable damage. UGH! HELP!
Hi I don’t know of dis site is still open to sharing ones problems am Audrey am married but not happy with my husband I was with my ex 4 four years all of a sudden we had a little issue n then I met my hubby I left n got married long story short BT during d courtship I wanted to leave but was too ashamed too bkos my family was involved n what piple wld say abt us now am not happy I discovered my hubby is nt Who I want 4 a husband BT my ex I contemplated divorce BT I can’t d shame is too much I can’t share my feelings with my hubby BT I can tell my ex everything now all I do is wish n wish n lots of regrets pls can some1 help me I hv bin married 4 only 4 months bt courted 4 eleven months I saw d warning signs bt my parents didn’t now I don’t want to blame them bkos it’s all my fault I don’t know if my marriage can work it’s really painful.
Audrey, so that I have it clear: you were married before. Something happened, so you go divorced after 4 years. Then you met someone else. You courted for 11 months, during which time you saw some warning signs that it wasn’t going to work. But you didn’t pump the brakes and slow down because 1) your were too ashamed of what people would say and 2) your family was involved. So you got married anyway. Now, 4 months into your marriage, you have regrets. You feel you can’t talk to your husband about issue you’re having in your marriage, but you can talk to your ex husband about issues you’re having in your marriage. Furthermore, you don’t know if your marriage can work so your contemplating divorce, but you’re ashamed of what people and your parents will say. You claim responsibility for all this, yet it’s still very painful. And you need some help figuring out what to do.
Does that sum it up?
Audrey, first of all, thank you for sharing your situation. You’re not a bad person. You do, however, lack sufficient understanding about how to properly manage life as relates to courting/marital relationships. That’s why you asked for help. I can provide that to you. Based on what you’ve share with me, I clearly see a minimum of 6 problems. All of them have to do with things you need address about yourself. They are: 1)people pleasing, 2) decision making, 3) problem solving skills, 4)communication, 5)understanding the purpose of relationships and marriage, and 6) managing your emotions.
Before you even consider getting a divorce, you need to address each of these issues. Because, just as they did in your last marriage, these problems will follow you into your next marriage if you decide to divorce this husband and look for another one.
I am a Relationship Consultant. I’m like the Hitch, but for married couples. I help couples or married individuals solve communication and trust problems, and help them accomplish their relationship goals. From what you’ve shared, no 6-step blog post is going to help you fix all your problems…and you have some serious ones. If you really want help, and not someone to just co-sign your feelings and give you the green light to do what you already wand to do, then I willing help you. Email me at [email protected].
In the meantime Audrey, read this https://hisleadershiphertrust.com/4-reason-to-stop-using-divorce-as-a-problem-solving-tool/
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