It Fulfills His Need
No matter how much some may want to dismiss or downplay it, the fact remains that sex is extremely essential for a man in his marriage. A husband needs sex, and though he isn’t going to physically die if he doesn’t get it, he will die a little on the inside if his wife continues to neglect him sexually. Seriously, when sex in marriage gets overlooked you can be certain there will be a very negative impact. So a wife who makes time to initiate sex, is a wife who is showing a willingness to pour into her husband one of the things he needs. Notice I said “one” of the things, because it takes much more than sex to keep a husband truly happy in his marriage, but we will save those other things for a different post.
Any wife or potential wife reading this, I want to encourage you to initiate more sex in your marriage. Take time to find out how often your husband truly desires to have sex, and try to come to some level of compromise to give him what he needs. Do not take this as a dismissal of what a husband should do to create a healthier sex life with his wife. A greater effort is needed on both ends in order to get things on the right track. You don’t want to continue the negative cycle, help to break it by finding ways to create a better sex life and a better marriage overall.
BMWK – what are some things that you can do to ensure that you are not too pooped for passion?
Patricia says
Great article
Relationship Coach says
Thank you Patricia : )
Raquel says
This was a good article; but after being married for 21 years – it’s the reverse with us. I can’t get enough. I initiate and sometimes it’s not followed-up on. There are other factors, but I appreciate your article and will continue to initiate
Anonymous says
It’s amazing to me that some women still view sex as a chore in their marriage. I had three children before I had my first orgasm. My husband was the first man that took his time and made sure I was satisfied. When I had a long day at work and the kids were in an uproar and it was his time, he gave me “sexual healing.” It relaxed me and calmed my nerves, I would sleep like a baby afterwards. And on the flip side there would be days when he might be uptight and need to relax and I wasn’t up to it. We had an agreement get what you need and get off me. LOL! We both are high natured and it’s funny to me that my husband doesn’t like it when I initiate.
Terelika says
This article is more if the same and is quite disappointing. After having to drill down 4 levels to access the full article you at least want the article to be worth the effort! The story of women in sexless marriages is the real story — flip the script, Sir, and stop making it seem as though women are the barrier to satisfying sex in a marriage. Lots of lemons on the road today and for the most part the problems above the neck as much as it is below the belt.
Relationship Coach says
“Stop making it seem as though women are the barrier to satisfying sex in a marriage” Nowhere in this article did I place blame or claim who was the official barrier. I discussed why it would be good for wives to initiate sex. I also acknowledged in the article that women also experience this issue. I have also written articles on this site such as “5 Reasons Her Husband Isn’t Getting Any” which talks about what husbands need to be mindful of in order to create a better sex life with their marriage. My first book was on that topic and again it was to help men understand their role in making things better instead of just blaming their wife. So ultimately your perception of my work is off base and I encourage you to take a deeper look. Be blessed.
Anonymous says
I agree. The article also states for us women to stay focused on the topic. 😉
Relationship Coach says
Thank you for pointing that out : ). I also mentioned at the end for the women not to take this as a dismissal of what men need to do to help make things better. Sometimes people don’t look deep enough to understand the full message, but I just hope people will be able to embrace the real message.
Jaydee says
Excellent article! I have been married almost 20 years and I never understood these concepts until reading this. Thank you and God bless!
Relationship Coach says
Thank you Jaydee : ) and I’m happy to hear that this was able to shed some light on this issue for you.
Felix Rios says
There should be some type of magic words to make your wife drop her panties for her husband.
Anonymous says
His word is, “Baby gimmy some”. I drop everything and enjoyably do just that. No matter what is going on
Relationship Coach says
lmao that would be a dream come true for a lot of husbands.
mike says
it is.. it’s called *GOOD* oral sex.. i’ve found when dating and also during my 9 yrs of marriage when that magic word is said. i’m the one being waited on.. meaning she’s already gone and dropped draws..
i want to add. this was an excellent article and although i’m not deprived in sex at all, we often have conversations about her initiating sometimes. it was great to read this article to her for her to hear it’s not just me who thinks this. i feel the sex is better when she starts it .. (at the right time) not right before i have to go out the door, or some other inconvenient time. i felt this was an excuse for her to say, well i started and you didn’t do nothing. this usually started an argument. women can say what they want, what they forget is men have to constantly find ways to keep them satisfied, do our best with what ever equipment we have to make sex great. this is on a regular basis. think about this.. when women have orgasims it’s like 5 to my one or more.. and then you still say i wasn’t satisfied.. i’ve said this before and may an article can come out of this.. just because i’ve released doesn’t me i orgasimed.. it’s the way i reproduce so that’s going to happen regardless. so some times it’s your 5 or more to my none.. so who’s really unsatisfied.. and men try to give you as many of these fantastic experiences as possible while most are not even aware that their man probably have had none and aren’t trying to give him one.
Parris says
Thanks brother I’ve had that issue with my spouse from time to time can’t read her moods ! Men have to build strong patients
Queen C says
This article was definitely an eye opener for me. I have been married for 12 years and my husband get soooo frustrated with me because I don’t initiate sex. I never denied him sex I just dont initate sex. I will try more. Thanks
LadynBlu says
Great article Black Man!!! The missing key to this discussion–I think would’ve made it a perfect 10 is—The word “Desire”.
Address why a woman no longer desires to drop them panties as she did in the beginning? “cause and effect theroy, I think.
Relationship Coach says
Thanks LadynBlu : ). I actually discussed that issue in an earlier blog titled “5 Reasons Her Husband Isn’t Getting Any” ==> https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2013/01/5-reasons-her-husband-isnt-getting-any/ in addition to that my first book “How To Get A Woman To Have Sex With You…If You’re Her Husband” goes even deeper into that topic. ==> https://www.amazon.com/How-Woman-Have-Youre-Husband/dp/0984493190/
LadynBlu says
But I agree with others. Great article :9)
LadynBlu says
Commenting on the other question listed here.
Ha! What can HE do to make sure I’m not Pooped for passion??? If I have to come home after FT stressful job, clean, cook, bathe kids, and be the master brain for the house (?) I’m so numb my body DOES NOT crave sex. Mentally/Emotionally and Physically it becomes another task because I’m not relaxed or relieved by my other responsibilities. I dont believe that husband consider “Preserving” their wives. What do you do to make sure she’s rested and without worry? God made me to assist, not to be ran down–and expected to still produce as if I’ve been preserved.
Cashmere says
Ladynblue…..now you talking!!! Yes “doc” whats the answer to this because a 100 times out of 100 this is really the underlying issue.
Relationship Coach says
Lol Cashmere check out the response I just posted to LadyNBlu to get your answer : )
Erica says
I get the feeling that we (women) are holding a lot of anger like a badge of honor. I’ve heard women say things like “why should I have to….” and “l guess I’m just supposed to give him this or that (usually things like a smile, passionate sex, kindness or agreement). When you stop and think about…..well….yeah, you give that to your man. If you want and love him, what’s the problem. Keep it simple. I think tallying up how much your doing and he’s not this and that….why bother? Either give it what it needs or leave. And anyone who says I’ve done all this, but what about him is either delusional about how great you are or making a conscious choice to make yourself a victim. Either way, you really have no one to blame – not even yourself. It’s about taking responsibility, not doling out blame.
Nefertiti says
I am not married Erica so perhaps I am not in the position to speak but I completely agree. I hear so many women complain and give a laundry list of excuses to not have sex with their husbands instead of earnestly working hard on an aspect of marriage that is important. You make time for activities and events in your life that you deem important, no matter how busy you are so you can make time for pleasure in your marriage.
Erica says
Yeah, That’s how it is for me, Nefertiti. I really think that I do what I want to do. It’s just hard for me to legitimately accept any excuses I make. I mean…..I’m just too able to believe my excuses. I think others are too, but maybe I shouldn’t say how others should perceive their situation.
Erica says
Maybe I should write , I’m too capable – to believe my excuses. I can’t really say something else is to blame for stuff I don’t do. It’s totally up to me.
Erica says
And if you consider sex a chore and not an energy, intimacy building thrill ride, things can only go up from here. Because it really is one of the best things in the world for your mood, health, mind, attitude, problem-solving ability……. it is THE wonder-drug. You better ask somebody who knows!! 😉
Cashmere says
Wow… Im not angry, bitter, delusional, nor am I trying to play the victim. I agree with the article, but their are also underlying issues as to why some women dont initiate sex. Having a career, being a student, a wife, a mother of small children, as well as being the main provider for a family can take a toll on a woman is all Ladynblue is saying, sometimes sex falls into the “to do list” for some women, because they are carrying to much on their shoulders.
Erica says
Okay, that’s good. Then is it just a matter of fixing the underlying issues? And all those circumstances are choices, so I presume they are desired, right? I mean, if you choose your circumstances, don’t you have the choice to either enjoy them or change them?
And I realize that enjoying sex often and prioritizing it over other things is my choice.
Right-on says
Great article and straight to the point..sex isn’t everything but its important.. What women fail to realize is that me are as sensitive as they are.. It’s just not cool to show it are day it directly.. We say it, just in a different way, but most women overlook the signs, because they only want to see the “superman” in their men.. For most men that stray, it’s the woman on the other side that makes him feel wanted and like a man…
Right-on says
For the ladies that’s disagree with the article, understand one thing, we understand the “working woman” excuse. However, this is just the way it is and it’s not going to change! We were built this way by God and we can’t help it. So if your career hampers the intimacy in your relationship, there’s a serious problem that you man may or may not share with you..
Jacqueline Luqman says
For the women who complain about the underlying issues of being too tired and your husband not helping you lighten the load, the problem may be that you just don’t ask the man to help you out more so you can be more available for the both of you. Men can’t read our minds, as much as we sometimes think they just should, and if we walk around with funky attitudes because they’re not doing something we’re not telling them about, that’s just going to cause them to think we’re a little nuts. And they won’t want to bother. If you’ve talked to him about it and he still doesn’t help you, then you’ve got bigger issues relating to respect and expectations that you should probably see a counselor to deal with. This article wasn’t about these issues, it was about women needing to understand why we need to initiate ripping our husbands’ clothes off every once in a while. If you’ve got something in the way of doing that for your husband, then that’s another article. But those issues do not negate the truth of what the author has said in this one.
Erica says
Word.
Anonymous says
I agree
Danita says
So glad I took the time to read this blog and get information everyday on the fb. I’ve been married 23yrs and the information is refreshing and relavent.
Thanks,
Danita
Ronnie_BMWK says
Welcome to the site Danita!
Erika T. says
I am 100% guilty of being “too tired” to have sex/ make love with my husband. I would go in on my husband about him not being sensitive to all of what I have to do or even offering to help me. I would end our heated conversation with “But, I guess that’s all you think about huh?”
Being at work all day, commuting 1-2 hours (LA traffic), coming home to cook, clean etc. is exhausting but, I realized that I have to make time for my husband. I saw how it was affecting him and the last thing I want is for my husband to feel unwanted or insecure in our marriage.
I was being selfish and had to change the way I thought about sex and intimacy. It’s not something that I check off my list of things to do or get back to it when I can or feel like it. It’s an absolute necessity to my marriage because it has allowed me and my husband to become more connected. Next to prayer, being intimate with my husband has been the best thing for clearing our minds from worry, stress and thinking about all of what we have to do even if its just for the night.
Erica says
Yes!!!!! Victory!!
yulonda says
Thank You For This…I Have Been Married For Four Years. We Have A GREAT sex Life But I Have Always Been The One To Initiate The Sex In Our Marriage. I Was Beginning To Feel Unwanted And Even Backed Off Initiating But Reading This Blog Gave Me Different Insight I Won’t Give Up And Will Continue To Initiate. Thanks So Much.
Anonymous says
I agree I need to do this and my husband has said something to me about it.He loves me dearly I just have body image issues and don’t feel comfortable doing it.Been together 2yrs married 1.
Erica says
How honest. I can bet that you are way more beautiful than you think. Years ago I heard a proverb that translated to mean it is impossible to be ugly if you have a vagina. I spent years wrestling with that. I was all “Oh! Just reduce me to my parts!” Or “what the hell?!”. “Some women are ugly!!”. All this nonsense and resistance.
But what I now know is that every woman really has a beauty and a sexuality and sensuality that is uniquely hers. And when we fully embrace it and revel in it, others will too. And it’s not about reducing us to our sexuality – that makes it seem like sexuality is low or bad. It is divine and a beautiful divine part of us.
Jennifer says
I’ve always initiated sex with my husband to the point that I felt unwanted as well. I’m use to being with men who initiated it in some way and we took turns initiating. I addressed the issue with my husband concerning his lack in initiating and nothing has changed. It would be good if he did initiate it.
Some men/women use sex as a weapon and means to control another person so they don’t initiate it to inflict emotional and psychological abuse. To not initiate sex is a form of abuse bc it makes one think more lowly of themselves and other negative thoughts.
Erica says
Just read an article that complements this one nicely. I hope it is OK to share here. If not, I understand if you delete it. https://www.babble.com/babble-voices/about-love-mara-kofoed/how-women-ruin-their-sex-lives/
Thanks.
Anonymous says
Ok I read the article it’s a good read,just need to work on my self I love my husband and want us to have a healthy marriage.Ive waited a long time for a good man.It just seems like it was easier when we were dating….so frustrated right now .
Erica says
I hear you and feel you. You’ve got this. Yes it probably seemed, maybe was, easier, but you don’t want to go back to the past.
It really does take effort and courage and humility – and then some. But it doesn’t have to be miserable. A lot of it is perspective. I mean…why is easy appealing? I mean, really trip off of that. Isn’t the concern that “marriage is harder than dating” problematic in and of itself? You know better, you have better, so now you do better. Yes, you should face more challenges because what you are doing is worthy!
I get it though; often feel the same way. But in school you moved from arithmetic to algebra because you were ready for the concepts. Same here.
You have been chosen and more importantly, you chose. So, you got this.
tony k says
My ex wife asked me Why don’t you get it started? I’ll answer, because you are not always in the mood or your have a headache. She’ll start an argument and we’ll wind up having sex minutes later. I’ll say “baby you don’t have to do that” Sit on my lap, whisper in my ear, hike up your skirt, dress sexy to bed. I will never you if you want loving.
Guest says
Someone mentioned what if the wife was sexual abused. I was, from a young child to the age of 17 it ended. Been married for 7 yrs now. I have moments where things my husband do turns me completely off. I don’t see my husband all I picture is my abuser. It’s a roller coaster with me in the intimacy department. I’m working on it. Still healing and praying over this.
Anonymous says
Did you tell your husband about what happened to you and how it was affecting you?
Guest says
Yes he knows, and he is understanding and patient with me. I’m receiving help and support for this.
Anonymous says
So I should be worried if my mate complains that we have sex to long and that I always want to have sex and we are not even married ? I feel like I try to be patient and deny my urges to have sex with my girlfriend ,so sometimes I wait a month to have sex and sometimes just masturbate so I can relinquish my desire to have sex with my girl. Its been difficult to have sex with my girl,which I can count on my fingers over the 5 year span than that she has had an orgasm.I mean she says I’m weird due to the fact that after I have an orgasm I can continue to keep going. Also its so many rules to when we can have sex, how long. For example she wants us to have sex between the hours (seriously) late afternoon at night and we have to have sex for 15 min. (NO JOKE) I always have to initiate sex and its disappointing because my confidence has decreased and I have had the urge to cheat on my girl due to the fact that I feel like she doesn’t want me and also she is not very affectionate and its hard for her to say I love you even though she says it when only I tell her. I know sex is not the main ingredient an any relationship but man I REALLY TRY MY BEST TO MEET HER NEEDS BUT if its this hard now and were not married what can I expect in a marriage ?
Erica says
So you want to marry her? That ^^^ was a lot of concerns/complaints.
Anonymous says
If it’s like that before marriage, it will only get worst after marriage. I suggest you get this resolved before getting married. You gonna feel so sad being sex deprived in your marriage. I was in a sexless marriage and it was the worst feeling in the world. The crazy part is my husband didn’t even think we had a problem. He ignored me completely, its like I was invisible. I had to divorce him because couldn’t take it anymore.
Mrs Diva 2013 says
PHENOMENAL ARTICLE I AGREE
Agent C says
Thanks for writing this. I’m slowly losing interest in sex with my wife for the very reasons you listed. I haven’t strayed, but I’ve thought about it just to feel “wanted” and “desired.” I don’t bother talking to my wife about it because it’ll start a fight and I don’t feel like going around in circles. I so badly wish I could share this article with her so she’ll understand I’m not just “tripping.”
Anyway, thanks for the piece.
Relationship Coach says
I’m sorry to hear that you are dealing with this issue. I know talking to her may have felt useless but I want to encourage you to try again, but adjust your approach. Don’t just focus on what you need from her, take some time to also find out what she may need from you. Be open and receptive to what she has to say, and make sure you don’t come off as attacking and negative. Express yourself in a loving and positive manner. Be open to what she says she needs from you, and see if you two can reach a compromise to get things moving in a better direction.
Londi says
great piece, been married for seven yrs now always thought things will be better but they are not, what do you I when your hubby is always out comes home late 11:30 – 12:00, when he at home he’s busy on his cell phone making arrangements that do not include being with me or busy with sms(s)and don’t speak to me for weeks and without a reason, when he does speak to me he fighting or wants money (he’s also working and earning more far more than I do) I help pay for the car, buy food etc. he more caring and polite with other people but not with me. he just doesn’t have time for even if Initiate is 123 finished not cuddling no kissing just rolls on his side on falls asleep leaving me to decide what to do next..how do I enjoy sex then..
Mish says
I love your outlook on relationships. It is so balanced. Excellent article, thank you.
Aliyah says
Unfortunately this won’t keep men from cheating . I may not have that much experience and may be young but I learned from my mom and grandma . My mom gave up everything for her exs they still treated her like crap and cheated on her with younger woman . No matter what you do you can please your man in every way do whatever he wants he can still cheat on you and it’s still not enough he is still not happy .
Relationship Expert says
I understand your position Aliyah, but in my time dealing with and coaching couples, there is usually more to it than that. Sometimes details are being left out, or what the woman believes is giving her all may not be what that man truly needed from her. Other times the issue isn’t about what your giving, but rather who you are giving it to. Some situtaions won’t work no matter how much you do because there was never a deep and genuine connection between the man and woman. There are some situations where a man still cheats, but it isn’t nearly as much as people think. There are usually underlying issues that have been ignored. Take the right approach with the right person can lead to a relationship where cheating never occurs.
Afi Pittman says
Stephen, I love your take on relationships! I can’t wait to hear your take once you get married (if you’re not already married). I think part of what has helped me grow as a Christian and as a woman who does want to marry, is listening to the perspectives of men who value marriage. Thank you for all you do and give! I also bought your book. Haven’t been able to finish it due to my schedule, but I will!