by Eric Payne
For many of us in the married lane, children, whether discussed at length or barely mentioned, are a foregone conclusion. After all we all got here somehow, right? Well for most men, the difference between the thought/strategy of having a child and finding out you actually are going to have one may as well be the distance between Earth and the Sun.
God bless the man who celebrates with joy, can’t wait to tell all of his friends and hugs his wife to the point that she can’t breathe. I’ve seen these men portrayed in movies and in retrospect I wonder what it might have been like to have had those reactions. But I wasn’t that guy. And based on several recent conversations I’ve had with dads to be and men considering fatherhood, I’m not alone. Most points against having little ones sound like the following:
1. We/I Can’t Afford A Child
Speaking as a member of the middle class, a child causes the responsible man to abandon any prospects of being irresponsible with his money. It also makes him wonder if he or his spouse has enough or will even have enough money to clothe, feed, educate, and nurture a child so that he or she will be a responsible adult. The responsible man either decides he will have to trim the fat out of his budget or work twice as hard (maybe harder) to provide.
2. I Don’t Want To Bring A Child Into This World
Based on current and past historical events no one should want to give birth. Currently we are in the worst global recession since the 1930s. A few years ago, one of the most unpopular presidents in history was in office helping to lay the bricks for many of the crises we face at present. We are fighting, what most pundits spend their time debating, an unwinnable war in Iraq and Afghanistan. Food is so unhealthy now. Kids are distracted more than ever. Obesity is on the rise. There are orphans aplenty right here in the United States and a recent CNN.com article on poverty states that middle-class, college educated citizens are beginning to join the ranks of the food insecure.
3. I’m Not Sure I Want To Bring A Child Into This World”...With You
Only a crazy man or one foolish enough to put his personal safety at risk would ever utter these words out loud to the mother of his child. But believe it or not this is a very natural concern for both sexes. A child makes the responsible person a parent forever. Now the game of life is real. There are no do-overs. There is no walking away. Even if you are head over heels in love with your spouse, you may wonder how you are going to make it, together, through all the years, at the very least eighteen. By together I’m not implying married, I mean simply working together with the other parent to ensure the best for the child. You are now the creator of a life that someone else can lay equal claim to, barring death or criminal behavior. The thought of this can range from being mildly disturbing to completely nauseating.
Hold Your Tongue
No matter how tough a man may believe he is, the above sentiments typically are emotionally based and biased. The overriding emotion is a negative one: fear — mostly of the unknown. These feelings are best shared with men who have already been there: fathers and grandfathers. These men can give you sound advice either because they knew better back when they were in your shoes, or because they now know better based on their mistakes. Don’t think you’re the only one going through this. You’re not. I enjoy being able to dispel new dad jitters or make fun of my own mistakes as a warning to those getting ready to do the same thing. Unfortunately, being a father isn’t a prerequisite for giving good advice. Similar to going to the doctor it’s sometimes good to get a second and even third opinion.
Whatever you do, please under no circumstance speak the above three sentiments aloud to your partner. She is standing before you more vulnerable and scared than you could ever be. What does any of the above have to do with the fact that she is carrying a piece of both of you inside her? She is looking for reassurance and security from you, not a State of the Union address.
If you feel your mouth beginning to form any of the above three sentiments it is better to smile, hold her and say nothing at first until you can make sense of things. You may only need five minutes to get it together. It could take a few hours. Take a knee and pray together. Don’t get heated in the heat of the moment. I am someone who has said two out of the above three. Thoughtless, fear-filled words, no matter how truthful you believe them to be at the time, are almost impossible to take back.
BMWK dads, what do’s and don’ts would you add to this list?
Author of the now infamous, My Wife Is NOT My Friend (on Facebook), Eric talks about being a father and a husband on his blog, Makes Me Wanna Holler ““ Man, Dad, Husband. You can follow him on Twitter or find him chopping it up on his Facebook Page. He is the author of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories. In his “spare time” Eric reviews autos and writes relationship articles for Atlanta-based J’Adore Magazine.
My husband and I are dealing with this issue. We don’t have children but he’s gone through the “can we afford it” (mind you we both make six figures), “I’m not sure our marriage is secure enough yet”. I find these to be excuses because he just doesn’t want children. It’s heart breaking.
Or he may be scared by the idea of raising children…if it’s really becoming problematic for you maybe you should consider some kind of marriage counseling to get to the exact root of the issue. At least then you’ll know for certain and it might not be so painful for you.
I think that’s it too EPayne. However it’s good to know that how he’s feeling is pretty common. Great article.
We’ve been living in number 1 for the past 5 years. For a while, he was scared to have children because he didnt know if he wanted them (even tho he had already agreed he wanted them before we got married), but now, its ALLL about the Benji’s, baby, lol.
I must admit, our situation was totally opposite. 9 months after the birth of our first daughter, who endured many surgeries and hospitalizations in her 1st 4 months of life, I discovered I was pregnant again. I was surprised and a little disappointed as I wanted to wait, really wasn’t sure if I wanted a second child. I announced to my husband, “I’m pregnant” with a look of disbelief. His only response was, “Congratulations! Our family is growing.” Here it is 6 years later and we now have 3 daughters!
When I found out I was pregnant, I had a “null” response. I left the stick on the counter for my husband to find and crawled into bed, with an “oh, well.” attitude. When he found the test, he first, verified that it was mine, (I asked him, who else would it belong to!) then he did a happy dance. He was happy even though our money was already tight and this wasnt his 1st child (my 1st). He was more excited then me.
My experience was opposite. I was devastated when I found out I was pregnant 4 months after we got married because we planned to wait a couple of years. My husband was excited to the point that it was initially annoying, but rubbed off on me after a while. Maybe it was because it was his first child and my second, but his excitement and support helped me deal with what I did not feel like was happy news at first.
Going through something similar right now but mine was totally disturbing and heartbreaking. My partner has 2 kids from a previous marriage and so do I. Although he expressed his thoughts of not wanting anymore children (exact words “right now I don’t want anymore but that could change at anytime”). After almost a year of being fancy free and in love I found out that I was expecting and I knew he would be disappointed but the reaction I got was over the top. When I told him the news almost two weeks later he totally blamed me and had the nerve to say I tricked him and he feels betrayed. After both of us were displaying the emotions and actions of being deeply in love this was not expected. It has been almost 2 weeks and we haven’t talked on the phone all we do is text and that’s seldom. Not to mention in the mist of all the stressors with him showing his true colors and the pregnancy I had a miscarriage. He now knows about it and still has not displayed any actions of comfort. Whatever you want to call what he did was a lot but to endure the lost of a child, take care of my two kids, work, and do everyday activities has been overwhelming but the beauty of it all is I’m still standing!
My heart goes out to you. I can not imagine what it must be like to lose a child. I am so sorry.
Please stay strong and take the time to grieve it will be on and off. Listen, you are a queen. Look at all that you do…..we do as women. If this guy comes back into your life……he has to get on one knee, beg for forgiveness and propose marriage to you. The way he treated you is not a person in love……..it was in lust and the chemistry of newness of the situation. God wants man to take care of women. Men today are not men just males. You get no comfort from him after this. He deserves no less than “hit the road jack….” I am so hurt for you right now as if you are my daughter. Wow I better stop now. Just take care of yourself get rest ok.
Wow! I’m so sorry this happened to you. If there is a silver lining to all of this, it is that you found out how truly selfish this man is before you married him. Tell him to kick rocks. He is dead weight; someone you do not need in your life as he has proven that he does not have your back when you need him the most. Then take all the time you need to heal- physically, spiritually and emotionally. Good luck to you.
There is nothing more beautiful than a man who has or is expecting a child and he is excited about it. I just recently became a grandmother (at 40) and although my son is only 19 I see a love and a sincerity in him when it comes to this child and it’s almost overwhelming
I hate to chime in on someone I don’t know personally but “kick rocks” pretty much sums it up. The fact that you are even able to share here is amazing, but that you had to endure all that on your own is shameful. All the details leading up to your loss are irrelevant now. He should have been there for you but there’s s chance he can’t face you at this point. I definitely believe in extending forgiveness, but where could you go together from this point? It may be for the best that you experienced this with him sooner (as awful as it was) rather than later.
Sorry for your loss. God will see you through this in ways none of us can imagine or anticipate.
Peace.
There is something to be said about a man who is excited about the life he assist in bringing into the world
Why would you marry someone without finding out if he wants children or not?
I hope these are not comments a married man says to his wife!!! They sound more like, comments you make to someone you have no vested interest in.
Our first was planned, so we both were excited. The second was a surprise, however, we were happy he came when he did otherwise our oldest would have been an only child. We talked about whether or not we wanted kids before we got married. I truly don’t think our relationship would have progressed if one of us didn’t want kids or wanted to wait years into our marriage.
Hey Eric, can I ask you to do an article on what men need to do after (right after like after the 6 weeks postpartum) the baby comes. My husband and I just had our baby, and I am having trouble reading him. He is a great help and dad but I’m confused about how he feels about “us”. I’m very interested in hearing from other fathers and their thoughts on this (if they can remember)?
My situation isn’t pretty. My husband and I planned this baby but 1 week before I found out I was pregnant we decided to stop (financial reasons.) Well at that point I was already pregnant. WHen I told him I wasn’t expected what I got. He kind of freaked out on me. He suggested abortion, he said we can’t bringa baby into an unstable environment, and then he finally said it…I don’t want this baby, I hate that I feel that way but I don’t. I was floored and heartbroken. He then proceed to tell me that he didn’t want to be with me anymore. He realized his needs weren’t getting met. So here I am, 2 months pregnant and my husband is moving out at the end of this month (6 weeks after I told I was pregnant and he said eh didn’t want me anymore). Life is grand. We have 2 children one from my previous relationship and one together. I don’t have a choice but to move on even though my mother says I should stick it out. I’m just tired.