3) Mr. or Mrs. “I didn’t know they were married.”
Okay, I understand that maybe the person may not have been truthful about his or her status, but let’s get real. We live in the information age where you can find out what you REALLY want to know. Between Google, Facebook, and girlfriends that can moonlight as private investigators there aren’t many secrets that can remain secrets for long: ESPECIALLY if the secret is “I’m married”. The truth is that you never did the research or noticed the red flags or asked the question because you didn’t want to; it’s easier for you (and your ego) to play victim in the end. Secondly, when many do find out their new mate is married, too many won’t and don’t stop the affair. Instead of cutting it off, you blame it on love or hope.
Moral: If you really wanted to know you could have found out.
Please don’t think that I’m taking it easier on the people who cheat on their mate by calling out the people they may cheat with….. because that isn’t my goal or my point. I mentioned in the start of this article about respect, those 7 letters that Aretha sang about. If we had more respect for relationships and marriages in general, even if they are not our own, it would be much harder for people to step out on those relationships because as I said earlier…people can’t cheat alone. Affairs don’t “just happen:” they take a conscious decision of two willing participants to start and continue them. The truth is that if we all placed more value on the institution of marriage then we would all be more accountable for what we do while in them, more relationships would be saved and fewer families would be broken.
BMWK Fam: Do you think we respect the institution of marriage as we should? Why or why not?
Amen! Amen! Amen!
Agreed, agreed and agreed. I was once hit on by a man who was separated (and at my job no less!). Interestingly, this man thought his brand of flirtation and lack of real conversation would go far with me. I almost felt sorry for him as he was over 10 years older than me with kids! Young and naive as I might seem, I have a high respect for marriage and married people. Why would I want to block my blessings like that by messing with YOU?! #No #GrowUpAndGetYourLife
Bravo for you, my dear!
Looks like you saved yourself some potential trouble! Thanks for reading!
Now you’re a young lady with some home training! Hurray!
I wish other women had the same thoughts as you because my husband stated affair with a younger woman at his job who knew he was married with four kids and one on the way, she worked with him as well as his sister. Not only that she was engaged her dang gone self and she had the nerve to call me afgter I let him come home and tell me I was wrong to work on my marriage becuause I was hurting her feelings and the feelings of her son whom she had let be around my husband, since she wanted him to adopt him and take care of him as well.She also told me that my kids were in her way and should not be a reason for us to work on our relationship This chick clearly had no morals or respect and my husband was wrong for getting involved but she was doing way too much. Now I trying to not be bitter and angrey with him as work on things because he involved himself with some crazy that won’t go away..and its been almost 5 months since he came home
I had to read this craziness twice. This woman said the wife was wrong & in the way??? And that the kids were in the way??? I can’t …smh
Next time hang up the phone. Don’t even listen to that nonsense. Then go smack your husband on the head for getting you in this mess!
This is so for our family NOW! THERE IS A WHOLE community who finds my open dislike for my husbands affair inappropriate! I have been told AND SHOWN they would rather turn a blind eye to the obvious and blame me for the exsposure. Thank You!
Wow Esther, I’ve had the EXACT same experience!
Marriage should be respected by those who are in that union. If you respect into one else can come in and destroy it. I am arrived my husband has cheated and has 4 kids with her all through our marriage. I tried to make her look bad by saying she knew, she a side chick, he will never leave me for her and etc but I had to get real. I was the other woman when he was with her. I was agreeing to be I. A polygamy relationship. I the wife had no more perks than she. Hell naw he didn’t leave me because I stayed. Wy would he leave he felt if I didn’t like what he was doing I should leave, he wasn’t because he was not unhappy. He could cheat and come home and I was mad at her not him. I stay to prove a point to her but I look crazy there are no side and main chicks. I should’ve been the only woman
Now that is the realest and most honest view on infidelity and this whole “side chick vs main chick” thing. I’ve always said, “If you’re not the ONLY chick, then you’re a side chick too the only difference is while you claim ‘main chick’ status, that man if making a fool of you”. I don’t think anybody falls into cheating or goes about it blind as if they’re seeing where it takes them, people usually know what they want from day one. I think it is extremely foolish of a woman to get involved with a married man because he is married. I don’t care if he seems unhappy or you work together and he’s telling you all his so called problems; you stay out of it because it is not your business. A decent human being will look beyond lust and just be a friend but them scallywags… Their first line of defense is: “He mus not be happy why else would he cheat” as if that makes what you’re doing right. There is no justification for knowingly screwing a married man.
You degraded yourself to prove you was better! He manipulated the both of you against each other! I guarantee it, he has another Boo in the cut!
Do you love and respect you, staying gives him the green light. If its no longer her its someone else but you are the common denominator. He cheats cuz he’s allowed. Now look in the mirror is she crazy or are you. You still don’t have a successful marriage. He still cheated
5 months is almost a year! What took him so long to value his family? He committed Adultry, he should have never left! I do not understand his respect and love for you and the children, and why are you mad at her? He left you and the kids? What did he tell her for her to be upset with you? She is not crazy? He told her about your relationship and he told her something very negative about You!
Ohooo i like lady, she having the chich? Thought she is super mistress,i bet she wont be able to build a marriage if she will ever find someone who will really want to get married to her,shes got the nerve to tell u about u and ur kids being in the way?she wont even survive the first day being married to ur husband bcause u see she wont have the strength to hold on when he think about his family;she will see it in his eyes and lady she will go strangle herself,lol!!!there are way too much things a woman bear especially when her husband is cheating and soon afterwards he will be so bored with herBECAUSE in marriage no matter how long or short term, there are this reality called soulties,,,and hooray she will wake up so hurt, shame.
Amen! Good for you!
You dodge a bullet on that one. Amen! Good for you. Don’t settle for being 2nd best. Very wise young woman.
True, True, and True! Great post!!
If someone is legally separated, they can see other people and legally, it is not considered cheating/adultery. Know the facts.
While it may be “legal”, it’s still frowned upon and wrong from a moral standpoint. Legally separated is still married. And those are the facts.
You’re so right. “I have the right to do anything,” you say–but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”–but not everything is constructive.”~1 Corinthians 10:23.
Just because something is legal doesn’t make it right. Whether you’re a Christian or not, there are some things that just aren’t right to do. This is one of them. It’s neither beneficial nor constructive. While the legal system is somewhat beneficial, but for those who are depending on it to set their moral compass, they’re going to be sorely lacking.
Legally -yes. But Biblically? Nope. You are still married. I don’t pose judgment because I own no heaven or hell and I have sinned (and still sin. I just don’t make a practice of it.) It’s just the REAL facts.
separation is not divorce, your vows are your vows until they are legally dissolved. your husband is your husband until he’s not. your wife is your wife, until she’s not. The covenant has not ended until the marriage has…
Seperated is STILL MARRIED! MORALS. WHAT HAPPENED!
Everything that is legally ok is not morally ok but then if you are only governed by laws and morals don’t play a part in how you conduct yourself then carry on.
Legally separated, but still married means marital vows are still in effect! Involving others intimately is adultry!
Very judgmental and harsh…wow.
one of these must describe you. maybe even all.
It’s not about judgement. It is about guarding hearts. TO WHOM and UNDER WHICH circumstances we open our lives and hearts to others is very important. I’m not sensing anyone is judging, just holding to a standard. If you FEEL judged because someone is holding up a standard, it may be good to consider why you feel that way. Just as the article said, separated is not divorced. Legally you may be ‘clear’ , however if you choose to involve yourself with someone who is separated, your heart is in sure peril.
On point. Even while my husband and I were going through I’d get comments such as ‘but you’re separated’. Yes, we are. BUT we are still MARRIED! Needless to say, I no longer talk to these people and those that came in passersby, I never talked to again or made plans to.
Great article! Too often do we place all of the blame on the “cheater”. It really does take “two to tango”, and no amount of excuses can’t fully justify a person’s willingness to go along with the affair.
Yea although the author addressed this issue its still more on the other person over the married one when most times they’re on the prowl. They know they’re married before the outsider does & when they don’t respect their own marriages why would anyone else? Represent yourself as a married man/woman b/c no one can force you you have an affair. Homewreckers live IN the home, its your home take care of it.
This is true…
I totally agree the mistress a lot of times persue abd are even the more persistent than the married person
Tanks for reading everyone! I am glad this has sparked some meaningful dialogue!
Great read. Funny, my husband walked out on me and at the time our 1 and 3 year old children for a piece of trash from his job. She was very much aware of our marriage and had no respect for it. Our divorce will be final in about a month and now he wants to introduce her to the kids. Funny thing about all of this is that they sit up in church like what they are doing is accepted by God. Silly folks. Karma is always hard on those with full consciousness of their behavior. It amazes the lack of respect us women have for each other. Main reason we can’t unite and get ahead now.
Thanks for this article
Sitting up in church doesn’t mean you’re going to heaven, no more than sitting up in your garage means you’re a car.
This situation has SAD written all over it. Especially for the children. Mr. Slippery Slope is selfish and delusional.
Wow my heart goes out to you. I’ll be praying for your peace and healing as well as for your children.
Thanks. Prayer and faith is truly getting me through this situation. I will give my all to make sure my children, now 2 and 4 get through all of this.
My Mom always taught me to never laugh at another womans wound, but today women are so cruel,i think satan came down living in them bcause they are so heartless when it come to breaking of marriages seems asif they think they are so #real# mxm and when marrying a cheater rest assured, soon he will be cheating on you too and marry the next available marriage hunting fool.lol.
Thanks for your article so many people try to justify there action by being naive and that’s not an excuse. People have a lack of respect for marriage and its sad. Its especially hurtful to a family unit when children are a products of extramarital affairs. It seems as though morals and respect are no longer virtues people have anymore .The one thing I come to realize is that you reap what you sow,so don’t do to someones else’s relationship you don’t want done to yours.
Absolutely So True
Good points. Great read Troy!
I have a friend that keeps falling for a married man, keep thinking he going to leave his wife, been two years and she is trying to be his savior, I’m like honey he will not leave his wife for you! Wife just had a baby and was sad about it because I guess it ruin the chance. I’m not judging but these type of men/women need to be stop in their tracks. She always take up for him on why he does what he does. She is not the first, which is the sad part. My thing is why get marrried if you won’t respect what it stands for. You are disrespected your family and your values! My friend won’t listen so I let it be but it the end she will be hurt over and over again. If that’s the life you choose than so be it. Its a choice!
Clerk of Courts will tell you if they are married/separated/dissolution of marriage most are available to the public in your county,its public information so if you really want to know you can know and also Some property appraiser websites can give you this info. Its not spying its doing your research and its public free information.
Good to know!!
Nope – not all marriage licenses are PUBLICLY AVAILABLE. Most are yes, but not all. Some people have CRAZY ex partners and want to keep this information private.
The only one I take pause with is the third scenario. I had a guy if known from school take advantage of that familiarity, come on strong, telling me he was divorced. He even took me to his mother’s house! When I thought his mother didn’t like me because of first appearances, he just brushed it off; when, in fact, she thought I was the home-wrecker! I truly didn’t know or have suspicion enough to go checking background and DNA, until his wife called me. I had no idea and was shamed by it all.
In the end, his wife and I became friends… Only consolation.
You cannot always know if someone is married by Google or other public means. Especially if the person was married in another state or has a marriage license that is not publicly available (these exist for a reason). So yes – ask the question and yes – get your friends to do the research but there can still be cases where you think you did the background check and you still get it wrong.
Ohooo i like lady, she having the chich? Thought she is super mistress,i bet she wont be able to build a marriage if she will ever find someone who will really want to get married to her,shes got the nerve to tell u about u and ur kids being in the way?she wont even survive the first day being married to ur husband bcause u see she wont have the strength to hold on when he think about his family;she will see it in his eyes and lady she will go strangle herself,lol!!!there are way too much things a woman bear especially when her husband is cheating and soon afterwards he will be so bored with herBECAUSE in marriage no matter how long or short term, there are this reality called soulties,,,and hooray she will wake up so hurt, shame.
Its no joke cheating on a spouse, it gets to you and you will regret it for as long as you are alive and not talking about the broken trust,he/she will never get to trust you again:)…….. soon.And handsup for the ladies who are so brave by working on their marriages.God bless you so much, and lady i respect your courage and my prayer is God be with you and strengthen ur husband to never look back.And lastly work as hard as you can and submit to him even if may be tough somedays.
It takes a lot of mental and emotional energy to keep up deception not to mention physical energy – take OFF clothes with one person, cheat, wash hopefully, dress, go home pretend, think up lies, undress with ANOTHER person share intimacy, if not the act or be present with them either showing your not happy OR pretending your pefectly happy! This is just TOO much waste of life joy and energy. Its ALWAYS so much easier to be honest and get better results! I think people who actually live like this have a narcissistic and or borderline personality disorder just c.f. to be able to treat others without regard and be ok with it.
Sometimes young women perhaps in college who are adults and for whatever reason still live at home with very strict parents who insist that they come home every night at a certain time rather than spending nights and weekends with their boyfriends often fall victim to the “I didn’t know he was married scam”. If you’re a lady who has to be home at a decent hour every night and have to sneak out and sneak in yourself,you don’t even think twice about the fact that your lover is sneaking around too and why he may have to be discreet. Some of these women’s parents still also restrict how late they receive phone calls,tell them that for whatever reason that it is inappropriate to date right now or ever, and feel that they have the right to decide for their adult children that they will remain virgins or at least celibate until marriage. There lies the respect problem again though . Respect for parents and the rules of their house and respect for the way you were raised.
My experience lovin someone else husband only becuz my own is dead.so i needed comfort so much and find myself glue to tis married man all becuz he complain about his wife refuser to ve sex everyday so i was ter to provide SEX.WHAT A SHAME ON MY PART BECUZ THAT MAN LEFT AND WENT BACK TO HIS WIFE.
Interesting. Here are the 3 people that I always thought didn’t respect marriage;
1) Mr or Ms I’m separated
2) Mr or Mrs- “He or she is not doing right by me at home” and;
3)Mr or Mrs- I forgot or am ignoring that I’m married
The fact is that the other person can’t get in unless YOU open the door. That other person (if unmarried) did not promise commitment; the married person did. IIn other words, married people should have what is called “personal accountability”.
Interesting. Here are the 3 people that I always thought didn’t respect marriage;
1) Mr or Ms I’m separated
2) Mr or Mrs- “He or she is not doing right by me at home” and;
3)Mr or Mrs- I forgot or am ignoring that I’m married
The fact is that the other person can’t get in unless YOU open the door. That other person (if unmarried) did not promise commitment; the married person did. IIn other words, married people should have what is called “personal accountability”.
I agree with everything here except part of #3. If a person wants to keep something hidden, they can do it. Now I will agree that overtime every lie gets exposed, but in some cases, you can do all the investigating that you want and still not find out the truth until is too late. Now one way to counter that is to trust your instincts and watch for the red flags! My instincts, paying attention to the red flags, and God revelation has ALWAYS saved me. My sitituation did not involve a married man. But it did involve a man keeping a very big secret about himself that he was afraid would be exposed. The great thing is, my instinct truly saved me. When I asked my friends about it, they were silent and just kept saying ask God to show you. Now here’s the issue, THEY KNEW THE TRUTH AND WOULD NOT TELL ME EVEN AFTER EVEN AFTER I REVEALED WHAT IT WAS (which was correct by the way). I know if I had a friend, and knew that a man they were seeing was hiding this type of secret, I would NOT stay silent about it because that’s my friend. Now I did trust God and not only did He reveal to me the truth about the man, He also revealed to me who my friends really were. The latter part was even more painful than the man’s secret. Mainly because these were people I went to church with and was working in ministry with. And because the man also was working in ministry, they were more concerned with protecting him and the church. I know they thought they were doing what was best, but I beg to differ. In all cases, you are always better to trust your instincts, watch red flags, and trust God for the revelation in all things! Your friends may not always be truthful.