We all have them; bad habits that is. Some influence how hard we work, others affect how neat we keep our space, yet others completely alter our relationships and marriages. The habits that affect our marriage is where I’d like to focus. Being in a relationship requires certain behaviors from both people involved. How we speak, handle our anger and show affection, all have the potential to make or break our partnership. We’re all clear on the impact communication or a lack of communication has on our lives. However, how we speak is only a small percentage of effective communication. Yes, whether or not we raise our voice and being selective with the words we choose are each important, but how we listen should be at the top of any effective communication list.
I’ll be the first to admit, it’s challenging to listen when our tempers are flaring and we just want to lash out. Nevertheless, I have seen relationships transform just by using the gift of listening. Listening is a gift and if you are unsure whether or not you possess it, check out these bad listening habits we should all avoid.
Do you talk while your spouse is talking? I could say shame on you, but the truth is you’re not alone. We can get so heated during our disagreements it becomes quite difficult to just shut up. Effective communication means someone will have to sit quietly and just listen to what’s being said.
Do you finish your partner’s sentences? Couples can get pretty comfortable within a relationship. So much so, we think we can interrupt our partner’s thoughts and get them to their point quicker by completing their statements. This behavior doesn’t work. It causes frustration, which makes coming to a solution that much more difficult. Everyone wants to speak their peace without interruption. When we communicate with others we have to think about how we’d like to be listened to. It’s usually the same for most adults.
Do you tune out until it’s your turn to share what’s on your mind? If so, how will you ever know what your spouse needs? We can learn so much about our partners just by totally listening. If we listen carefully enough, we can even learn from what’s not being said.
Are you doing something else while your partner is speaking (on a phone, watching TV, listening to a radio)? This was my bad listening habit. I didn’t realize how frustrating this was to my husband. People want undivided attention when they speak. Completely listening to someone confirms that they matter to us.
The great thing about bad habits is that with a lot of effort and desire to change, we can break them. We have to realize our spouse and marriage are worth that sacrifice.
BMWK, what bad listening habits do you have? What are you doing to overcome them?
Both parties also needs to learn to be concise. It’s hard to stay focused and attentive when someone is naturally very longwinded
My husband is a talker and I’m more the bullet-point, give it to me straight person. He probably uses 2-3 times the words I use in a day.
Thanks for your comment. That’s the thing about marriage. We’re taking two different personalities and merging them together. With communication we have to compromise and be willing to adjust to another communication style just as our spouse has to adjust to ours. It’s a challenge, but worth it just to get on the same page.
Hi I am not married but I have been with my partner for 10 years and this is something that I know I need to work on…but how do you communicate with someone who feels that his feelings are only what matters
Thanks for your comment Dawn. You have to point out, to your partner, the actions he displays that make you feel this way. Sometimes we aren’t always aware of certain behaviors. He may not know it seems as though his feelings are the only ones that matter. If he does know, then the conversation needs to shift to your sharing your needs in the relationship and how you need to be listened to and why it’s important to you.