The relationship advice industry is booming and men are increasingly getting in the game. Most people recognize celebrity authors who have built loyal followings through some other platform (e.g., music, media, and entertainment), but there are also lesser-known people who readily dole out advice on men and relationships on websites, blogs, and via social media.
With titles like “Why Many Successful Women Can’t Keep a Man”, their advice is often packaged as a window into the minds of men. The problem, unfortunately, with many of these individuals is that not all of the advice is very good. In fact, I’ve noticed a few things that many guys, and some gals, get wrong when writing about men and how we approach relationships. Here are four of the most common mistakes.
1. Men’s needs are exclusively physical
One of the main mistakes that many men, both gurus and laymen, make when giving out relationship advice is giving the impression that men’s needs are exclusively physical. An overemphasis on sex reinforces stereotypes about men that can actually hurt our relationships. Even though we don’t readily admit it, men have emotional needs that no amount of sex can fill. It seems counterintuitive but it is entirely possible to be in someone’s presence, even sleep with them, and not know anything about them.
The problem is that our society has made intimacy synonymous with sex, but men desire connection on more than just a physical level. For example, one of the best things about being married is having my wife’s support when the stresses of life feel like they’re wearing me down. Unfortunately, it seems like most of what gets communicated about men and relationships is about our more carnal desires—a tendency that can leave us starved in other areas.
2. Women hold the keys to men’s behavior
I think this might be one of the most frustrating aspects of relationship advice from both men and women. While never stated explicitly, it is implied with titles like “6 Ways to Keep Your Man from Cheating” and advice that says that if women keep in shape, remain sexually available (see point #1), and are well-groomed, men won’t stray from home. This line of thinking implies that women have the power to control male behavior.
It absolves men of responsibility for their actions and shifts the burden onto women. For guys, particularly those who like to tout their “leader” status, it seems weak and cowardly. This isn’t to say that the environment in a relationship has no influence on either party’s behavior, but a person’s response to a situation is their responsibility.
Thank you Mr Squires. Real, mature, men holding males accountable for producing manly thoughts that lead to manly behavior. That’s the way forward. I love it!
Thanks!
Please go tell it on the mountain! If we are going to be able to talk to one another like grown-ups, the conversation cannot continue to be “ladies this is what y’all need to do” in the same way that it has been. The responsibility for having fulfilling relationships lies on both shoulders and unfortunately the current experts’ advice does not reflect that.
Agreed! Everybody has a role to play, and men need relationship tools just as much as women do.
Yo D,
As usual – excellent piece!
‘Preciate that bro.
Excellent article!!! Steve Harvey needs to read this and take notes because he sounds so hypocritical to me trying to give love advice when he had an affair with his current wife.
And he’s on his third marriage! I hope he is making sure that HE is not the problem.
#5 Offering advice in the first place.
I love this! I am definitely living proof of one who has been successful in having platonic relationships with women. Not having sexual relations or thoughts and seeing them as person and not objects of sexual obsession. I truly believe it is from the upbringing of my parents, especially my father, on how to treat women in general. He started early by sharing with me that all women are to be treated like princesses and mama is the queen. It has been one of the most troubling issue I’ve dealt with in relationships; simply believing my females friend has simply and only ever been just that, a friend. EXCELLENT article! Love y’all much!
Thanks! You’re fortunate to have gotten a good example from your father.
Great points! The last is one anyone giving advice needs to be aware of – our blind spots can result in us hurting others.
On #1, you are dead right, men do have emotional needs, and if they do not get those met they will never feel right. However, most men can not see much less deal with their emotional needs if their physical needs are being deeply neglected. You cannot get a man to find his emotional side by cutting him off physically, and I’ve seen that suggested more than once.
Interesting point. I agree that neglecting a man’s physical needs can have a negative impact on his emotional well-being. I believe the two should go hand in hand.
Good Information Delano.
Beside BMWK, there is another blog/website that I frequent for direct “male to male” advice that speaks to your 3rd point. Try http://www.allswagga.com, it has blessed me with wisdom that has expedited growth in several areas of my life.
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