3. Don’t sweat the small stuff
In marriage, as in life, all problems are not created equal. It’s good to remember this fact when you find yourself focusing so much on little things that it makes you complain about your spouse. There are some issues in marriage that will stop a couple dead in their tracks. Adultery, physical and emotional abuse, and abandonment are just a few of the things that will surely cause a rift in any relationship. Most of the day to day things that cause conflict, however, tend to be “first world” relationship problems. You’d be amazed by how much energy couples can waste and how many disagreements are started over how one person folds the towels or some other minor matter of preference.
Oftentimes it is easy to focus so much on the flavor we’re not getting that we lose sight of the necessities we are getting.
It’s also easy to lose perspective on the person you chose, if they don’t exhibit all of the personality traits you desire. A husband might not be the most exciting man in the world, but his wife might never have to worry about whether he’s telling the truth when he says he’s out with the boys. The stability he brings to the relationship might not be appreciated but that doesn’t make it any less valuable. There’s a difference between relationship staples and relationship seasonings. The former (e.g., honesty) are absolutely necessary for a successful relationship while the latter (e.g., spontaneity) give a relationship flavor. Oftentimes it is easy to focus so much on the flavor we’re not getting that we lose sight of the necessities we are getting.
One of the primary foes of teamwork is selfishness. It rears its ugly head whenever one person is determined to get his or her own way, even if comes at the expense of the relationship.
Loved this article! I am single, never married, but I’m always keeping an ear to those things which promote happy marriages. Especially when so many people are quick to speak negatively about marriage, from their own hurt and experiences, but never took the time to do the work. Perhaps because they didn’t know what the work entailed, or that there should even be work. My motto, “You don’t say I do and all is well.”
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it. I think your approach is very wise. It’s never too early to learn what it takes to have a successful marriage AND to begin modeling those things in our singleness.
Hey big bro,
I’m glad you took the time to share your experience. So many people don’t realize that marriage is work. I do disagree with you to an extent when you say that marriage doesn’t create character. I presume that you are referring to misaligned expectations or perhaps our desire to “fix” the other which are completely valid. BUT I will never forget what our counselor told us: what if marriage wasn’t meant to make you happy, but it was meant to make you holy.
Marriage is more than companionship. It is a divine appointment by a loving God who declares that we are better together than a part. Being with my husband makes me a better woman and him being with me does make him a better man. I think that is an indicator of a God ordained union.
So I agree that marriage reveals character but it also designed to mold you as well to be the man and woman God designed you to be.
Side note: we are def in this together!!
Marsh,
I agree with your comment 100%. I actually struggled a bit with whether to write that because I didn’t want my intention to get lost in the words. I think marriage is one of the best environments in which character can be developed, but being married in and of itself doesn’t create that growth. I think each person must be committed to maturing. For example, some people are dishonest in dating, unfaithful in courtship, and adulterous in marriage. The progressive nature of the relationships might give the impression of a growing commitment level but it won’t do anything to address what’s at the root of their behavior.
What a great article! I shared it with the single women I counsel/teach in my “Marrying Kind” group. I do agree with you that marriage reveals character. It can also strengthen character, but in my experience it doesn’t create it. My favorite point you made was number 4 – Marriage is a team sport. It’s becoming increasingly clear and important to constantly reinforce the message that marriage REQUIRES two people being on the same team. You have to KNOW that your spouse has your back, and they have to KNOW you have theirs. This is required for a successful marriage that goes the distance. Marriage has to be “safe.” We only feel safe when we know the other person has our back – which is revealed through honesty, transparency, and giving each other the benefit of the doubt. This actually applies to any meaningful relationship (friendships, siblings, etc.), but in marriage if you don’t have that you may as well throw in the towel.
GREAT stuff, GREAT stuff that successful marriages are made of!