4. Marriage is a team sport
Marriage is the ultimate exercise in teamwork. It is especially important to remember that unity is necessary for a successful marriage when you and your spouse are at odds. My wife and I have to periodically remind ourselves that we are not the enemy. Even when we disagree on a particular issue, our goal should be to attack our problems, not each other. One of the primary foes of teamwork is selfishness. It rears its ugly head whenever one person is determined to get his or her own way, even if comes at the expense of the relationship. If two people are on the same team, it is impossible for one to lose and the other win. Either both win or both lose. This is how conflict works in marriage. Either both people win or both lose. If it feels like one person is winning and the other losing, it’s because a couple is no longer functioning as a team. One of the things that can bring a couple closer is consistently speaking your spouse’s love language. This means looking to serve their needs—whether for words of affirmation or quality time—before you seek to serve our own.
A wedding is like a sprint, but marriage is a marathon.
5. You need to run the right race
A couple’s wedding day is typically one of the most memorable days they will ever experience, but just because you started off on a high doesn’t mean your relationship has to take a nosedive. The early days of marriage can be a gentle reminder that the process of becoming one takes time. Most of us have developed a series of habits and attitudes during our single days that can make this process a challenge. Too much focus on getting to the day can distract couples from doing the work required to be successful in marriage. A wedding is like a sprint, but marriage is a marathon. That’s why the preparation needed for both is different. Keeping focused on the right race is also important because there’s often a temptation to think that the only thing standing between you and happiness is a different spouse. Don’t be fooled—you’d have issues regardless of who you married. Most of us aren’t even in perfect alignment with ourselves. Each of us can look back on our lives and find times when our words and ways were not totally in sync. It should come as no surprise that we occasionally get out of step with the one we pledged to love for a lifetime. Let those moments serve as a motivation to keep pushing forward and a reminder that while having a great wedding takes a day, creating a great marriage takes a lifetime.
BMWK, were your first years of marriage what you expected them to be? What could you have done to improve them?
Elisha says
Loved this article! I am single, never married, but I’m always keeping an ear to those things which promote happy marriages. Especially when so many people are quick to speak negatively about marriage, from their own hurt and experiences, but never took the time to do the work. Perhaps because they didn’t know what the work entailed, or that there should even be work. My motto, “You don’t say I do and all is well.”
Delano Squires says
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it. I think your approach is very wise. It’s never too early to learn what it takes to have a successful marriage AND to begin modeling those things in our singleness.
Marsha says
Hey big bro,
I’m glad you took the time to share your experience. So many people don’t realize that marriage is work. I do disagree with you to an extent when you say that marriage doesn’t create character. I presume that you are referring to misaligned expectations or perhaps our desire to “fix” the other which are completely valid. BUT I will never forget what our counselor told us: what if marriage wasn’t meant to make you happy, but it was meant to make you holy.
Marriage is more than companionship. It is a divine appointment by a loving God who declares that we are better together than a part. Being with my husband makes me a better woman and him being with me does make him a better man. I think that is an indicator of a God ordained union.
So I agree that marriage reveals character but it also designed to mold you as well to be the man and woman God designed you to be.
Side note: we are def in this together!!
Delano Squires says
Marsh,
I agree with your comment 100%. I actually struggled a bit with whether to write that because I didn’t want my intention to get lost in the words. I think marriage is one of the best environments in which character can be developed, but being married in and of itself doesn’t create that growth. I think each person must be committed to maturing. For example, some people are dishonest in dating, unfaithful in courtship, and adulterous in marriage. The progressive nature of the relationships might give the impression of a growing commitment level but it won’t do anything to address what’s at the root of their behavior.
Connie says
What a great article! I shared it with the single women I counsel/teach in my “Marrying Kind” group. I do agree with you that marriage reveals character. It can also strengthen character, but in my experience it doesn’t create it. My favorite point you made was number 4 – Marriage is a team sport. It’s becoming increasingly clear and important to constantly reinforce the message that marriage REQUIRES two people being on the same team. You have to KNOW that your spouse has your back, and they have to KNOW you have theirs. This is required for a successful marriage that goes the distance. Marriage has to be “safe.” We only feel safe when we know the other person has our back – which is revealed through honesty, transparency, and giving each other the benefit of the doubt. This actually applies to any meaningful relationship (friendships, siblings, etc.), but in marriage if you don’t have that you may as well throw in the towel.
Steph says
GREAT stuff, GREAT stuff that successful marriages are made of!