The very first post I wrote for BMWK was on a topic, men and infidelity, that seems to always come up when people discuss relationships, and in recent weeks a number of high profile men have made headlines for their cheating ways. First, Arnold Schwarzenegger revealed that he had an affair with a member of his household staff that produced a son who is the same age as one of the former governor’s children with his wife. Next, former U.S. Senator John Edwards was indicted by a federal grand jury on multiple counts, stemming from charges he used money meant for his presidential campaign to support his mistress, Reille Hunter. Their illicit affair produced a child and thrust Edwards, his mistress, and his now-deceased wife into the national spotlight. Most recently, Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted to sending graphic photos to (and having inappropriate conversations with) a number of women online. He initially claimed his Twitter account had been hacked but later confessed to lying to the public about his behavior.
Two things have almost always been certain in the aftermath of news that a politician has been unfaithful: 1) a public apology to express remorse and ask for forgiveness and 2) a loving wife standing supportively at her man’s side.
Times seem to be changing, however, because some of the more recent public apologies have featured press conferences with no spouse in sight. Maybe it’s because wives want to protect themselves and their children from the media frenzy that surrounds these cases, but it’s also possible that their actions signal a new approach to dealing with cheating spouses altogether.
A person’s reaction to an unfaithful partner says a lot about who they are and how much they value their relationship. I posted a question on my Facebook page asking people how they would react to infidelity. Most people said they would work toward forgiveness, while a few said they would pack their bags and leave. Thankfully, the other two choices”””a skillet upside the head” and “a taste of their own medicine”””did not seem to be viable options for most respondents. What’s telling is the fact that some people explicitly stated that while unfaithfulness in marriage could potentially be forgiven, cheating in a non-marital relationship would almost certainly be grounds for dismissal.
The feedback I received indicates that for many people the decision to work through infidelity is directly related to their level of investment in a relationship. For example, a couple that has been married for 15 years has a much greater incentive to work through one partner’s infidelity than a couple that’s only been dating for a few months. Dating and courtship bring no expectation of the type of commitment that characterizes a marital covenant, therefore neither party is under any obligation to work through the multitude of issues that arise after one person has been unfaithful. Furthermore, someone who can’t remain faithful during the dating stage is unlikely to have an epiphany at the altar that causes them to want to be true to their spouse.
Some couples decide to stay together even if full reconciliation is not the goal. Sometimes it’s for the sake of their children and at other times it’s because remaining married brings benefits that outweigh the costs of divorce (e.g., financial, political, etc.). Either scenario seems like it would be a tremendous drain mentally and emotionally. I couldn’t imagine being in a dead, cold, emotionally distant relationship with someone for whom my fire once burned. The other end of the spectrum is seen when the pain of an affair is internalized and manifested through anger and bitterness. While these emotions seem totally reasonable for someone whose partner has been unfaithful, the fact remains that allowing anger to fester ends up damaging the person who’s angry more than the object of their anger. As one pastor at my church put it, “it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”.
Infidelity is a major issue in relationships. It has a corrosive effect on intimacy, security, and synergy. While the recent scandals have painted a very negative picture of married men, not every man considers cheating part of his relationship DNA. Chris Rock is noted for stating that men are only as faithful as their options, but I’d like to think that men (and women) are as faithful as their character. More options and opportunities will only highlight a person’s level of integrity, honesty, and loyalty. Ultimately, whatever someone thinks they are getting by being unfaithful pales in comparison to the devastation caused by infidelity and the pain they inflict on the people they claim to love.
BMWK, how would you deal with unfaithfulness in your relationship? Would you try to reconcile or would you leave? Would the type of affair (e.g., sexual, emotional, online) affect your response?
Delano Squires recently completed a Master of Public Policy (MPP) degree program at the George Washington University. His interests are contemporary African American culture and fatherhood, families, and child development. Follow him on Twitter @Mr_Squires.
My husband and I discussed this early in our relationship. We agreed that we can and will work through anything BUT infidelity. If either of us cheat, it’s over.
My husband and I discussed this early in our relationship. We agreed that we can and will work through anything BUT infidelity. If either of us cheat, it’s over.
My husband and I discussed this early in our relationship. We agreed that we can and will work through anything BUT infidelity. If either of us cheat, it’s over.
Totally agree w/Erica. I can forgive, forget and/or look past almost anything except infidelity…I know there are lots & lots of tempations out there but, if you say you love someone & promised to be with them & only them then that love should keep you from straying…
My husband & i have been married 28 yrs. i’m not sure how he would react if i was unfaithful. If it were him cheating i’d try not to let it overtake my life. I wouldn’t run and file for divorce. i’d have to try to relax and think it thru. i’d have to consider who and how and when it all took place. I wouldn’t want to jump to quick conclusions and make a wrong move. In this day and time i almost expect infidelity. Marriage is difficult and serious work. It’s a level of ministry many of us get into without being fully prepared. At this juncture in my marriage, my priorities are totally rearanged. They are much different from the beginning of the marriage.
My husband & i have been married 28 yrs. i’m not sure how he would react if i was unfaithful. If it were him cheating i’d try not to let it overtake my life. I wouldn’t run and file for divorce. i’d have to try to relax and think it thru. i’d have to consider who and how and when it all took place. I wouldn’t want to jump to quick conclusions and make a wrong move. In this day and time i almost expect infidelity. Marriage is difficult and serious work. It’s a level of ministry many of us get into without being fully prepared. At this juncture in my marriage, my priorities are totally rearanged. They are much different from the beginning of the marriage.
My husband & i have been married 28 yrs. i’m not sure how he would react if i was unfaithful. If it were him cheating i’d try not to let it overtake my life. I wouldn’t run and file for divorce. i’d have to try to relax and think it thru. i’d have to consider who and how and when it all took place. I wouldn’t want to jump to quick conclusions and make a wrong move. In this day and time i almost expect infidelity. Marriage is difficult and serious work. It’s a level of ministry many of us get into without being fully prepared. At this juncture in my marriage, my priorities are totally rearanged. They are much different from the beginning of the marriage.
My husband & i have been married 28 yrs. i’m not sure how he would react if i was unfaithful. If it were him cheating i’d try not to let it overtake my life. I wouldn’t run and file for divorce. i’d have to try to relax and think it thru. i’d have to consider who and how and when it all took place. I wouldn’t want to jump to quick conclusions and make a wrong move. In this day and time i almost expect infidelity. Marriage is difficult and serious work. It’s a level of ministry many of us get into without being fully prepared. At this juncture in my marriage, my priorities are totally rearanged. They are much different from the beginning of the marriage.
Why just address men and if men have cheating as part of their relationship DNA? Men are not cheating with other men, so last time I checked, both genders were equally represented. Even one tries to excuse a single woman, she has to know the man she is sleeping with is not her husband. She probably knows he’s married, but even if she doesn’t, she does know he’s not married to her. Therefore, if she thinks marriage is a covenant, and that sex is something God reserved for marriage, she’s cheating.
But instead, we give excuses to the women and blame the men. It takes two to have an affair, and in most cases, it’s a man and a woman. So let’s hold both men and women to the same standard. If a man is a dog for having and affair, the woman he’s with is just as much a dog and just as much a cheater, with cheating in her relationship DNA.
No excuses, no blame shifting, both parties in an affair, regardless their marital status are cheaters.
Bad character is not a gender based trait. It’s equally represented by both men and women.
I could not agree with you more. Well said!
I could not agree with you more. Well said!
Wow! Tony it is So good to hear a man say that. There’s always controversy over who should be the blame when a married man cheats; is the “other woman” to blame? I absolutely agree about character and integrity as well. I am floored at how many women REFUSE to take responsibility in their part of agreeing to the affair. It does take two. I found myself infatuated with a man that I didn’t know was married until I was way in deep (I was 17 then). It took so much to pull myself out, but there was no way I could trust a man that would cheat on his pregnant wife.
No bias here, it goes the same for women. I know people have their reasons (excuses), but when is just outright hurting others acceptable? I’m 35 now, and I’ve been fearful of and avoidant about marriage for most of my life because it seemed as if no one respected the institution. It wasn’t until I was 29 that I even considered the possibility of marriage (for me). Just yesterday I found myself nearly sabotaging (if he hasn’t quietly run away) a very respectful, caring and satisfying relationship because of those fears. But…my faith made the REBOUND! I pray that I attract mutual integrity, respect and humanity in the man who finds me!
Wow! Tony it is So good to hear a man say that. There’s always controversy over who should be the blame when a married man cheats; is the “other woman” to blame? I absolutely agree about character and integrity as well. I am floored at how many women REFUSE to take responsibility in their part of agreeing to the affair. It does take two. I found myself infatuated with a man that I didn’t know was married until I was way in deep (I was 17 then). It took so much to pull myself out, but there was no way I could trust a man that would cheat on his pregnant wife.
No bias here, it goes the same for women. I know people have their reasons (excuses), but when is just outright hurting others acceptable? I’m 35 now, and I’ve been fearful of and avoidant about marriage for most of my life because it seemed as if no one respected the institution. It wasn’t until I was 29 that I even considered the possibility of marriage (for me). Just yesterday I found myself nearly sabotaging (if he hasn’t quietly run away) a very respectful, caring and satisfying relationship because of those fears. But…my faith made the REBOUND! I pray that I attract mutual integrity, respect and humanity in the man who finds me!
I definitely don’t believe cheating is gender-specific. There are plenty of women who cheat on their husbands/boyfriends and they’ll have to deal with the repercussions of their actions in their individual relationships. I used some of the more publicized cases of infidelity to advance a broader point and these almost always involve men. I agree that women that knowingly cheat with men are in the wrong but vows are only exchanged between TWO people, so the primary responsibility for protecting the relationship rests with those two individuals. They need to do whatever is necessary to fend off anything that would cause division in their union.
I definitely don’t believe cheating is gender-specific. There are plenty of women who cheat on their husbands/boyfriends and they’ll have to deal with the repercussions of their actions in their individual relationships. I used some of the more publicized cases of infidelity to advance a broader point and these almost always involve men. I agree that women that knowingly cheat with men are in the wrong but vows are only exchanged between TWO people, so the primary responsibility for protecting the relationship rests with those two individuals. They need to do whatever is necessary to fend off anything that would cause division in their union.
I definitely don’t believe cheating is gender-specific. There are plenty of women who cheat on their husbands/boyfriends and they’ll have to deal with the repercussions of their actions in their individual relationships. I used some of the more publicized cases of infidelity to advance a broader point and these almost always involve men. I agree that women that knowingly cheat with men are in the wrong but vows are only exchanged between TWO people, so the primary responsibility for protecting the relationship rests with those two individuals. They need to do whatever is necessary to fend off anything that would cause division in their union.
PS, I tried to save my marriage when my ex-wife had her affair. She wanted no part of that, thinking the married man old enough to be her dad was going to be her soul mate.
What I did really didn’t matter. If the cheater doesn’t end her affair, the marriage will not be saved.
And I take it the the old guy wouldn’t leave his wife and your ex had to deal with the fact she turned her life upside down for someone who really did not want to make her his wife but a regular play thing. It is amazing what people can not see!
And I take it the the old guy wouldn’t leave his wife and your ex had to deal with the fact she turned her life upside down for someone who really did not want to make her his wife but a regular play thing. It is amazing what people can not see!
After being married for almost 10 years, I found out that the person whom I never expected to cheat on me, did. He lied about it until he could not lie anymore. He then had 3 emotional relationships that he too lied about. 6 years later, he wants to know why I am INSECURE, DON’T TRUST HIM, and SPY! Reason, because he did what I never dreamed that he would do. Now, I am being told that he can’t believe that I am being a sneaky as I am, and I have never been an insecure person. Like said, marriage is WORK, hard work, and I stayed because of the investments, children and because I wanted to. I LOVE my husband and want the marriage to work, but those cheaters that cheat and blame their spouses for their shortcomings are mentally and emotionally killing us. If you were man/woman enough to do the cheating, then be man/woman enough to OWN IT and not blame the innocent spouse.
My wife and I have been married for 12 years, we were high school sweet hearts and have been together a total of 16 years and have 4 kids. I confessed to to cheating on her before we were married recently and to my surprise she confessed to doing the same. I dont believe this counts as infedelity in our marriage since we were still young when it happened and not yet married, however it has weekend the trust we once had or at least on my part cause once you know your partner is capable of such behavior it stays in the back of your mind and has ignited many conflicts since on suspicions alone. We do love eachother dearly andu00a0have invested to much into the family we have created to let past transgressions or the fear of new ones tear us apart but my fear is that the trust we once had may never really be what it once was and I dont want that to be the result of future problems. But to answer the question, I think the initial response of course was anger then hurt but when you have as much invested in your marriage as we do I think you have to really put your feelings on the back burner and positively identify what led to the cheating and work together to come up with some way ofu00a0 resolving it. In your marriageu00a0you have to remember your both human and to love someone you have to love the good and bad and forgiveness is what true love is.
We are all human beings and deserve forgiveness when we make a mistake but let it be a mistake not a way of life for you. u00a0My husband has cheated and still cheats therefore I am moving on. u00a0I can forgive but I will not forget . u00a0I am 44 years old with 7 and 2 year old boys, I can’t stay in this marriage and allow them to think that this behavior is normal because it’s not. u00a0It is an ultimate level of disrespect to someone whom you are supposed to love and cherish and to stay in the marriage and continue to condone this behavior will perpetuate disrespect from the boys when they get older. u00a0I never want to be seen as weak and don’t want them to think if Daddy can disrespect Mom then so can I so I will keep it moving while they are young. u00a0 u00a0nnP.S. u00a0nPlease don’t say stay in the marriage because of the kids because that is what has sustained us for 22 years, we also have a 25 year old. u00a0I should have left long time ago, but stayed because I didn’t want to raise my son in a single parent household, I chose the worst of two evils and look where it’s gotten me, heartbroken and feeling like a fool. u00a0Nevertheless, I shall rise! u00a0 u00a0u00a0
Infidelity are something we allow to let take place in our life,that we get so confuse in letting gou00a0or just settled..that we’re finding so many of excuses in ourselves,that come along with loveu00a0and hate thatu00a0we destroy our own happiness on what if…that we ‘re struck in our own imprisonment ofu00a0 the definition of who we really are for pleasing of other…When infidelity occur our respond is what i do to deserve this..My respond is, How can i make it better?…cause most of the time we fall down on our marriage as being their wives..I’m just saying..Stop turning your head on reality and let work this problem out…cause i believe all problem can be solve by just starting from the beginning.
I am one to think that I could rebound from infidelity in my relationship better than in my marriage. I understand that the level of commitment is deeper in marriage but the way that works for me is that the person being hurt the most outside of marriage is the one doing the cheating not being cheated on. That it represents more about their commitment to their own character, integrity and self-respect than anything else. Also I like to think (and hope since I’m in this situation right now) that just as a marriage can come back stronger and more open from cheating that an individual can too and therefor automatically walking away simply because the two aren’t married doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. To say it’s only forgivable in marriage is kind of to say I’m not actually forgiving the person or trusting that they’ll change I’m just putting my marriage first. Which is fine but just not the only approach to take in my opinion. As for just infidelity on it’s own I think anyone can lose their way, to cheating, drugs, gambling, etc. Just how lost they are, the amount of damage done, and if they’re willing and able to come back to their best selves is what’s most important. As with most things in life this issue isn’t black and white, really depends on the couple and the circumstance.
I am one to think that I could rebound from infidelity in my relationship better than in my marriage. I understand that the level of commitment is deeper in marriage but the way that works for me is that the person being hurt the most outside of marriage is the one doing the cheating not being cheated on. That it represents more about their commitment to their own character, integrity and self-respect than anything else. Also I like to think (and hope since I’m in this situation right now) that just as a marriage can come back stronger and more open from cheating that an individual can too and therefor automatically walking away simply because the two aren’t married doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. To say it’s only forgivable in marriage is kind of to say I’m not actually forgiving the person or trusting that they’ll change I’m just putting my marriage first. Which is fine but just not the only approach to take in my opinion. As for just infidelity on it’s own I think anyone can lose their way, to cheating, drugs, gambling, etc. Just how lost they are, the amount of damage done, and if they’re willing and able to come back to their best selves is what’s most important. As with most things in life this issue isn’t black and white, really depends on the couple and the circumstance.
I am one to think that I could rebound from infidelity in my relationship better than in my marriage. I understand that the level of commitment is deeper in marriage but the way that works for me is that the person being hurt the most outside of marriage is the one doing the cheating not being cheated on. That it represents more about their commitment to their own character, integrity and self-respect than anything else. Also I like to think (and hope since I’m in this situation right now) that just as a marriage can come back stronger and more open from cheating that an individual can too and therefor automatically walking away simply because the two aren’t married doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. To say it’s only forgivable in marriage is kind of to say I’m not actually forgiving the person or trusting that they’ll change I’m just putting my marriage first. Which is fine but just not the only approach to take in my opinion. As for just infidelity on it’s own I think anyone can lose their way, to cheating, drugs, gambling, etc. Just how lost they are, the amount of damage done, and if they’re willing and able to come back to their best selves is what’s most important. As with most things in life this issue isn’t black and white, really depends on the couple and the circumstance.
I am one to think that I could rebound from infidelity in my relationship better than in my marriage. I understand that the level of commitment is deeper in marriage but the way that works for me is that the person being hurt the most outside of marriage is the one doing the cheating not being cheated on. That it represents more about their commitment to their own character, integrity and self-respect than anything else. Also I like to think (and hope since I’m in this situation right now) that just as a marriage can come back stronger and more open from cheating that an individual can too and therefor automatically walking away simply because the two aren’t married doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. To say it’s only forgivable in marriage is kind of to say I’m not actually forgiving the person or trusting that they’ll change I’m just putting my marriage first. Which is fine but just not the only approach to take in my opinion. As for just infidelity on it’s own I think anyone can lose their way, to cheating, drugs, gambling, etc. Just how lost they are, the amount of damage done, and if they’re willing and able to come back to their best selves is what’s most important. As with most things in life this issue isn’t black and white, really depends on the couple and the circumstance.
I am one to think that I could rebound from infidelity in my relationship better than in my marriage. I understand that the level of commitment is deeper in marriage but the way that works for me is that the person being hurt the most outside of marriage is the one doing the cheating not being cheated on. That it represents more about their commitment to their own character, integrity and self-respect than anything else. Also I like to think (and hope since I’m in this situation right now) that just as a marriage can come back stronger and more open from cheating that an individual can too and therefor automatically walking away simply because the two aren’t married doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. To say it’s only forgivable in marriage is kind of to say I’m not actually forgiving the person or trusting that they’ll change I’m just putting my marriage first. Which is fine but just not the only approach to take in my opinion. As for just infidelity on it’s own I think anyone can lose their way, to cheating, drugs, gambling, etc. Just how lost they are, the amount of damage done, and if they’re willing and able to come back to their best selves is what’s most important. As with most things in life this issue isn’t black and white, really depends on the couple and the circumstance.
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Trust is son imprtant in any relationship and when that trust is broken it’s similar to that broken vase. You may glue it back together but you will always have cracks. My wife and I have discussed infidelity and we both agree that’s a deal breaker. You cheat on my we’re done. No ifs ands or buts.
Trust is son important in any relationship and when that trust is broken it’s similar to that broken vase. You may glue it back together but you will always have cracks. My wife and I have discussed infidelity and we both agree that’s a deal breaker. You cheat on me we’re done. No ifs ands or buts.
Trust is so important in any relationship and when that trust is broken it’s similar to that broken vase. You may glue it back together but you will always have cracks. My wife and I have discussed infidelity and we both agree that’s a deal breaker. You cheat on me we’re done. No ifs ands or buts.